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Internet Oracularities #1154

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1154, 1154-01, 1154-02, 1154-03, 1154-04, 1154-05, 1154-06, 1154-07, 1154-08, 1154-09, 1154-10


Internet Oracularities #1154    (80 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 09:49:34 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1154
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1154  80 votes 2bupc 5nug6 6pza4 3gso9 bdpm9 9pvd2 8ioka 4mwg6 57gmu 7ppg7
1154  3.1 mean  3.4   2.9   2.8   3.2   3.1   2.7   3.1   3.0   3.8   2.9


1154-01    (2bupc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most froody,
>
> On my radio, there is a knob to control its volume.  However, no matter
> where I set it, my radio is always exactly the same size.  Why is this?
>
> Your Servant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The size change may seem small to you, but to the radio it is
} a big deal. Your constant fiddling with your radio's knob gives
} it great pleasure.
}
} You owe the Oracle a retractable antenna.


1154-02    (5nug6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dr Orcl.  The instructions said VOID WHERE PROHIBITED, so that's what I
> did.  Now they want me to clean it all up.  It's not fair!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can't just pick which instructions you're going to follow. For
} instance, while you followed the "void where prohibited" instruction to
} the letter, you failed the "take two pills daily with water to control
} mental disorder"; while you followed the "Lather. Rinse. Repeat." until
} it cost you your job, you failed to follow the "Hardhats Must Always Be
} Worn On-Site"; while the "Please Wait For Hostess To Seat You" was
} followed to the letter, the "Employees Must Wash Hands After Using
} Restroom" sign failed to even slow you down.
}
} You're just lucky that all you have to do is clean it up.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Do Not Disturb" sign.


1154-03    (6pza4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> We are third graders in Yoderville, Alabama, and we wanted to see if
> you could answer a science question for us.
> How many inches are in a parsec?
> Thank you very much, Oracle.
>
> Signed,
> Ms. Iberoth's third grade class.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first of all, a note to Ms. Iberoth:
} This particular incarnation is a nice, sweet, homespun individual who
} likes flowers.  However, occasionally, beyond the Ultimate Powers That
} May Or May Not Be, a demented fruitcake whose favorite pastime is
} ripping the heads off of insects and devouring boogers by the truckload
} will become the Oracle for a short while, and subsequently blast your
} third-grade class out of their innocence like a squirt out of a
} grapefruit.
}
} So be more careful!
}
} To answer your question, though:
}
} A parsec, as your teacher may have told you, is roughly about 1013
} miles.  There are 5280 feet in a mile, and 12 inches per foot.
}
} So, working it out here...
}
} <<<scribble, scribble, scribble>>>
}
} Dang it, I _hate_ multiplication...
}
} <<<scribble, scribble>>>
}
} Carry the one...
}
} Aha!  Sixty-four million, two hundred seventy-nine thousand, six
} hundred eighty!
}
} In tribute, you all owe the Oracle passing grades.


1154-04    (3gso9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Rad Cool Oracle who can thread the eye of a cyberdemon with a rocket,
> who can outsmart an archvile at chess, and who looks a lot better than
> an imp,
>
> What kind of new monsters will populate Quake4?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sadly we can forget any ideas of Giant Beetles firing lasers from their
} eyes, Flying Maggots, Armour Wearing Dragons, and various other
} beasties stolen from early 1950s pulp Science Fiction stories.
}
} Remember how marketing types discovered the selling power of movies.
} I.e. when Freddy Kruger flashed the brand name "Black and Decker" and
} sales soared the next day. Nowdays they've discovered the negative
} marketing power of casting products in the roles of "bad guys" in video
} games. Secret experiments showed that computer gamers who had just
} spent hours fighting for their lives against a can of Coke showed a
} marked preference for Pepsi.
}
} In the case of Quake4, the software has been bought by McDonalds, and
} is being used to halt the spreading tide of vegetarianism. Soon the
} nation's youth will be reduced to a quivering mass by the mere sight of
} a floret of broccoli.
}
} While it would be unfair to list all the monsters in Quake4, here is a
} selection to give you a feel for the game.
}
} 1) CARROTS. No longer the passive comfort food of a certain bunny,
} these nasty little orange spears are the biggest challenge on level 1.
} Watch out for those little sprouts before they launch themselves from
} the ground and your character dies in an orange glow.
}
} 2) BROCCOLI. George Bush was right! That's what you'll be thinking
} after getting caught in a spore storm from these little nasties.
}
} 3) ONIONS. If you thought tears were the inevitable consequence of
} dealing with Onions, prepare for tears, nay a flood of blood. And you'd
} better make sure you're armed with something a little more effective
} than a kitchen knife.
}
} 4) PEAS. But not just any peas. Try to imitate a famous silent movie
} actor by chasing one of these little devils around the plate and see if
} it just passively allows itself to be rolled around. Hint: Prepare to
} die.
}
} 5) CABBAGE. Not even five hours of boiling is going to reduce this
} enemy to a wilting relic of itself. Not even boiling in molten iron.
} Prepare for the fight of your life (make sure you have at least 50
} lives in store) on level 6.
}
} You owe The Oracle some freshly cut Spinach and a +100 Shield of
} Cholesterol.


1154-05    (bdpm9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you that does not turn green with age, you that are worth
> more than a plug, you that can not be dropped, you who ask for nor
> give any,
>
> Who regulates the coinage of phrases?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The State-mint.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those new Sacapotatoes dollars.


1154-06    (9pvd2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Um, excuse me most wonderful and amazing and fair Oracle,
> but I was wondering...  Isn't it about my turn by now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, all right.  Have a seat.  Now, I'm going to pull you back...
} back... hang onto the chain... and HERE WE GO!
}
} No, pump your legs!  Yeah, that's better!  Can you see your house
} from here?
}
} OK, let's see you jump out!  Oh, come on, you wuss.  It's just tanbark.
}
} Ow. Well, OK, I think I have a first aid kit around here somewhere.
}
} You owe the Oracle a chance on the swings now.  I'm tired of pushing
} everyone.


1154-07    (8ioka dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All hail the Oracle, the one, the only, the original!  What was the
> first question you ever received, and what did you ask for in return?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me search through me files.  Ah, yes.  Here we are.
}
} The Banging-rocks-together-make-noise-Thag-in-next-valley-can-hear
} Oracle has pondered your question deeply.  Your question was:
}
} > Og here.  Og need Ora-kul an-ser kwest-shun.  Og say Ora-kul many
} > many good smart.  Og say kwest-shun now.
} >
} > How many don can ptera-don tear, if ptera-don can tear don?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } This Thag in-kar-nating Ora-kul.  Ora-kul know many many all thing.
} } Ora-kul know Og going to ask ptera-don kwest-shun many many many many
} } many many many many many many many many many time.  Ora-kul much much
} } hate ptera-don kwest-shun now.
} }
} } Ora-kul bash Og over head with big-pointy-stick-of-Zot! for asking
} } bad kwest-shun.
} }
} } Ora-kul say an-ser 42.
} }
} } Og owe Ora-kul make wood-chuck e-volve now.
}
} *sigh*
}
} I've been regretting that ever since.
}
} You owe the Oracle a public statement of all your youthful
} indiscretions. Including the one involving the cheeze-whiz and the
} toupee.


1154-08    (4mwg6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <mlawrence@mchs.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I find the proofreader of my dreams?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can locate a dream proofreader by consulting the yellow
} pages, but locating one is not the main concern you should have.
}
} You need to exercise caution when picking out a proofreader for
} your dreams. You will get wildly varying results depending
} on the type of proofreader you hire.
}
} Consider the simple dream you had last night as checked by a
} Jungian, a Freudian and a New Age Healer.
}
} Your dream:
}
} 'I was typing a message to the Oracle, I wanted help
}  locating a dream proofer. I hope he can help. Then
}  I woke up sweating."
}                   -------
}
} Jungian:
}
}  You left out the female aspect of yourself. You have
}  the 'I' and the super-ego symbol (in this case The
}  Oracle), but not your fem-side. neglecting this makes
}  the dream incomplete. Redream this until you get
}  it right. Practice makes purrfect!
}                   -------
}
} Freudian:
}
}   The numerous typos hid the meaning of this dream.
}
}   I was typing a message to the Oracle,
} should read:
}   I was tRying TO mAssage the Orifice
}
}   I wanted help locating a dream proofer.
} should read:
}   I wanted TO hOlD A lAcTating Cream poofter.
}
}   I hope he can help."
} should read:
}   I hoLe SheEP cans. help!"
}                    -------
}
} New Age Healer:
}
} The excessive use of the pronoun 'I' makes one thing
} of the 'I'-beam girders in steel buildings that plague
} the land. Replace them with soothing 'we's, you will
} dream best if you plan to sleep and 'we','we','we'.
}
} You owe the Oracle some rubber sheets.


1154-09    (57gmu dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>
> How can I use email and the Internet. Acutally, all I want to do is to
> ask you questions and read Oracularity digests.
>
> Many thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you see, it all started when I was summoned by the Oracle. The
} summons took the usual form, that is, one of the senior priests - Otis,
} in this instance - came and grabbed me by the ear and dragged me to the
} Oracular Chamber, struggling and protesting. He propelled me into said
} Chamber with a well-placed boot on the seat of the pants. I sometimes
} think that the Oracle believes my resulting entrance - bursting in and
} falling on my hands and knees - is some sort of deliberate devotional
} exercise on my part, which shows you how much *he* knows.
}
} Yes, yes, I'm getting to the point. What happened next on this occasion
} was that the Oracle held up a scrap of paper and asked, "Zadoc, what
} the hell is this?"
}
} Now you have to be very careful when the Oracle asks something like
} "Zadoc, what the hell is this?" because, more often than not, the
} question has some hidden meaning. But I couldn't divine what that might
} be, so I went for the direct approach and hoped for the best. "Lord, it
} looks like a piece of paper."
}
} "Is that what it is?" asked the Oracle, adopting his usual tone of
} ponderous sarcasm which is, if you want my opinion, unbecoming of a
} supreme being. "Well I never! Thank you for clearing that up for me,
} Zadoc. I'm so glad I summoned you clear across the temple and dragged
} you away from whatever important loafing you were getting on with so
} you could supply me with that piece of intelligence."
}
} "Will that be all, Master?" I asked hopefully.
}
} "Idiot!" he bellowed. "Of course it's a piece of paper! But what is its
} significance?"
}
} It was as I feared: he was in one of his ah-Grasshopper-one-hand-
} clapping sort of moods. I prevaricated. "Ah well, what is the
} significance of any item of everyday stationery in the grand scheme of
} things, after all? Do Post-it notes really matter? Do paperclips? And
} what is one to read into those balls of rubber bands all wrapped around
} each other that you so often find in the bottom drawers of other
} people's desks? Could it be that..."
}
} "Shut up, shut up, shut UP!" cried the Oracle. "For bog's sake, Zadoc,
} all I want to know is, did you slip this piece of paper under my door
} this morning?"
}
} Enlightenment dawned. "Oh, *that* piece of paper!"
}
} "Yes, *that* piece of paper! The one with the question about using
} email and the Internet. Well, did you?"
}
} "Yes, Master."
}
} The Oracle heaved a sigh and ran his hand across his brow. "Thank
} goodness we got that sorted out. Who's it from?"
}
} I was puzzled by this sudden obtuse question. "Why, from me, Master."
}
} "THE QUESTION!" he screamed, and buried his head in his hands. Perhaps
} he had a headache. That would explain why he was so particularly tetchy
} today.
}
} "Oh, ah. From a supplicant. He asked me to give it to you."
}
} "Which supplicant?"
}
} "I don't know. They all look the same to me."
}
} "So how would you like me to answer?"
}
} "Well, far be it from a humble worm of a priest like me to give you
} tips on answering questions, but I would have thought something along
} the lines of..."
}
} "No, merde-for-brains! I don't want to know what my answer should be, I
} want to know how I'm going to answer!"
}
} Damn, he'd gone cosmic on me again. I did my best. "The way I see it,
} Master, is that somewhere in that gigantic intellect of yours there is
} a little bundle of neurones whose sole purpose in life is to recognise
} strings of words that form a question. Now these neurones must be
} linked to a colossal array of..."
}
} My discourse was interrupted by a paperweight hitting me on the
} forehead. When I recovered consciousness, I saw that the Oracle had
} regained some of his composure. Random acts of violence often have that
} effect on him.
}
} "How do I normally transmit my wisdom to supplicants, Zadoc?" he asked
} equably, changing the subject.
}
} "By email?" I ventured.
}
} "Very good! Go to the top of the class. But this supplicant doesn't
} know how to use email, does he? He tells us so. So how do I communicate
} with him?"
}
} "Snailmail," I said with more confidence. These at least were questions
} I could get a handle on: simple and to the point.
}
} "So you made a note of the supplicant's address, did you?" he asked
} innocently.
}
} "Oh." I realised it had all just been another one of his traps designed
} to make me look foolish. It's so unfair! My mother will tell you how
} bright I really am.
}
} "Didn't think so," said the Oracle. "So here's what I've done. While
} you were lying there admiring the ceiling, I wrote my answer on the
} back of this self-same slip of paper. You may now deliver it to the
} supplicant personally."
}
} "How should I do that?"
}
} He switched back to ponderous sarcasm mode. "Well, far be it from me to
} give a humble worm of a priest like you tips on delivering messages,
} but I would have thought something along the lines of putting the piece
} of paper in one hand, opening the door with the other and then..."
}
} "No, Master," I cried, my agitation causing me to forget myself to the
} extent of interrupting him in mid-rant. "I meant, how do I find this
} supplicant?"
}
} "That's your problem," said the Oracle mercilessly. "If it were me, I'd
} start next door. Cheer up, Zadoc - there can't be much more than 6
} billion people in the world who don't know how to use email. It has to
} be one of them."
}
} So anyway, the upshot is, I'm here to ask... Oh, it wasn't you, eh? No,
} I didn't really expect it would be. You wouldn't happen to know whether
} your neighbors are Net-savvy, would you? Well, thank you very much for
} your time.
}
} *sigh*
}
} Fifteen down, 6,049,401,806 to go.


1154-10    (7ppg7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, whose boogers I cannot pick ... please answer my
> question: how will I ever get a girlfriend when I can't even impress my
> own mom!  Can you help me?  Please?  Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not talking about 'boogers' is a good place to start.


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