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Internet Oracularities #1155

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1155, 1155-01, 1155-02, 1155-03, 1155-04, 1155-05, 1155-06, 1155-07, 1155-08, 1155-09, 1155-10


Internet Oracularities #1155    (68 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 09:45:22 -0500 (EST)

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participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1155
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1155  68 votes 4khk7 1admm 2cri9 5iof6 8kob5 2fhhh 9sl64 kkh83 5ipe6 4sr63
1155  3.0 mean  3.1   3.8   3.3   3.0   2.8   3.5   2.5   2.3   3.0   2.6


1155-01    (4khk7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most timely Oracle, you are in possession of vast quantities of
> wisdom and are at the same instance both jovial and frightening,
>
> How will we known when the rule of carbon-based organisms has
> been supplanted by those of silicon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When Pamela Anderson becomes president.
}
} You owe the Oracle a password to download her latest "political
} infomercial."


1155-02    (1admm dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what are the b0rk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're a major plot element in one of the new _Star Trek_ series
} currently undergoing test marketing by Paramount.  You see, in an
} attempt to continue Trek's control of the coveted "geek demographic"
} (and to cut production costs), they're considering setting this new
} Trek in the present-day Usenet, and having it involve the exploration
} of newsgroups, not planets.  Here, I'll give you the plot summaries
} for some of the upcoming episodes:
}
} #001 "New Group"
}
} The newly commissioned U.S.S. SLRN, under the command of Captain Kibo,
} is intercepted by a powerful being identifying itself as "David
} Lawrence", who attempts to hold the crew responsible for the whole
} rec.music.white-power fiasco.
}
} #002 "Holy War"
}
} The SLRN encounters a poster who has been isolated from the net for
} many years, and must prevent him from unwittingly restarting the Big
} Endian vs. Little Endian flamewar.
}
} #003 "Memetics"
}
} A signature virus infects Captain Kibo, causing his posts to become
} dangerously unstable and provoking a Warlord attack.
}
} #004 "Archimedes"
}
} Science Officer McElwaine REPRODUCES and DISSEMINATES some IMPORTANT
} Information that may help the crew acquire some much-needed Plutonium.
}
} #005 "Lurker"
}
} The SLRN must study a race of primitive W4R3Z D00DZ without
} interfering with their cultural development.
}
} #006 "Make Money Fast"
}
} During a routine upgrade of the SLRN's filters, the Spammers attack,
} and trap the crew inside a giant, bandwidth-draining pyramid.
}
} #007 "Turkey"
}
} Lieutenant Commander Argic attempts discover his inner humanity.
}
} #008 "Infinitive"
}
} Soon after the admittance of alt.usage.english into the United
} Federation of Geeks, the SLRN receives new orders: The crew is no
} longer to boldly go where no one has gone before, but is now to go
} boldly.
}
} #009 "In the Pale CRT-Light"
}
} The new AOL-Time Warner alliance threatens the stability of the ALT
} Quadrant, and Kibo must consider bringing the Microsofties onto the
} Federation's side.
}
} #010 "The b0rk"
}
} alt.swedish.chef.encounter.fight.lose
} alt.captain.kibo.kidnap.implant.modify
} alt.helpless.federation.attack.destroy.control
} alt.powerful.chef.win.win.win
} alt.correct.everyone.talk.speak.post
}
} alt.no.joke.is.is.is
} alt.oracular.knowledge.obtain.have.use
} alt.puny.supplicant.assimilate.assimilate.assimilate
} alt.futile.resistance.is.is.is
} alt.irrelevant.strength.is.is.is
} alt.current.life.gone.gone.gone
}
} alt.b0rk.service.owe.owe.owe


1155-03    (2cri9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Are corporate bodies really alive?
> And are they now our dominant species?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see now... I know those notes are round here somewhere... Ah,
} here they are! These take me back to when God and I were just sitting
} around his apartment brainstorming on just what Life was going to be
} anyway. Exciting days! But anyway, there should be a checklist... Here
} it is.
}
} 1. Respiration.
}    Corporate Bodies inhale graduates with no experience and exhale...
}    well, the same graduates, but now with a thin patina of experience
}    to conceal their incompetence.
}
} 2. Reproduction.
}    This occurs through a process akin to amoebic division, but termed
}    "re-organization" or sometimes "Department of Justice
}    Investigation". A corporate body will, once it gets too large and
}    sluggish, split into several smaller companies. Often the weakest of
}    these, the "marginal" businesses, will be snapped up by the circling
}    packs of other companies - see below.
}
} 3. Ingestion.
}    Corporate bodies are most often found ingesting other corporate
}    bodies, but when those are thin on the ground they have been known
}    to consume reputations, dreams and - occasionally - marriages.
}
} 4. Excretion.
}    I don't think I need to say anything here, do I? I think we can all
}    leverage our core synergies to move forwards with a humour-positive
}    mission statement.
}
} Hmmm... There's a whole load of other things here, mostly stuck in to
} exclude things we didn't like. None are really relevant, though. In
} conclusion, corporate bodies _are_ really alive, but they are not the
} dominant species. Nor is the Body Politic, surprisingly. Not even Jesse
} "The Body" Ventura. No, that honour lies elsewhere, and soon all of you
} will know who your true masters are...
}
} You owe the Oracle a holy offering of something tasty, pushed under the
} cooker. And get rid of those Evil Roach Motels, sinner.


1155-04    (5iof6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How would the world be different if humans had evolved from clams?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They would be asking "How many stars would a starfish fish if a
} starfish could fish stars."
}
} You owe the Oracle a big bowl of chowder.


1155-05    (8kob5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Where will the bunny hide the eggs this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the bushes around the Playboy mansion.
}
} You owe the Oracle a playmate.


1155-06    (2fhhh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Is it true that worldwide there are only 34 people who
> read and use USENET?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, supplicant, it is indeed true. Here is a list of the 34 people
} that are the readers and writers of USENET:
}
} 1. Harold Gertmeyer, 40 year old male. Cruises alt.bondage.personals in
} the serach of a 20-some year old girl to play "Cops" with.
}
} 2. Peter Zeffel, 15 year old male. Posts message to
} alt.bondage.personals, pretending to be a 20-some year old girl
} interested in handcuffs.
}
} 3. Neil Browski, 32 year old male. Instigator of all of the pyramid
} get-rich-quick schemes found throughout USENET.
}
} 4. Jeremy Urep, 28 year old male. Responds to all of the pyramid
} schemes, using many aliases. Neil Browski has earned $60,000+ from him.
} Jeremy doesn't realize he's also been sending money to himself under an
} alias of his own creation.
}
} 5. Ruth Yowell, 33 year old female. Reads and posts to
} alt.bondage.personals, posing as a 21 year old male into parafin
} candles.
}
} 6. Paul Yowell, 31 year old male. Also reads and posts to
} alt.bondage.personals, posing as a 22 year old female into parafin
} candles. Paul is Ruth's brother. They will set up a time to meet each
} other, and discover the horrible truth.
}
} 7. Capt. Zack Krusco, 39 year old male. Trying to crack down on pyramid
} schemes found on USENET, is currently tracking 17 of Jeremy Urep's
} aliases, with no positive leads.
}
} 8. Aaron Myles, 20 year old male. Frequents rec.anime.trading, buying,
} selling, and swapping Japanese animation films with the other 2 anime
} fans in America.
}
} 9. Alan Quincy, 29 year old male. Along with rec.anime.trading, also
} checks alt.anime.nude.sailormoon in the hopes of scoring some new porno
} shots of Queen Beryl.
}
} 10. Tanya Pleban, 23 year old female. Trades tapes with Aaron and Alan,
} occasional dips into the alt.bondage.personals group as a curiosity.
}
} 11. Sgt. Willie Fame, 27 year old male. Trying to press charges against
} Harold Gertmeyer. Likes to go to alt.cooking.recipes.
}
} 12. Regina Waltman, 51 year old female. CEO of Pillsbury Inc., posts to
} alt.cooking.recipes in an attempt to lure in more customers and put
} Betty Crocker out of business.
}
} 13. Mike Taylorhouse, 20 year old male. Posts brags and flames to
} alt.games.quake, keeps asking for more multiplayer servers to play on.
}
} 14. Liam Priddy, 43 year old male. In a flamewar with some upstart kid
} in alt.games.quake.
}
} 15. Rip Saylan, 30 year old male. Has subscribed to only one newsgroup:
} alt.sex.stories. Never posts. Types with one hand.
}
} 16. Eddie Vanmeyer, 29 year old male. Has subscribed to only one
} newsgroup: alt.sex.pictures. Never posts. Types with one hand.
}
} 17. Yahara Sikuya, 24 year old male. A super-multi-millionaire. Posts
} the same stories to alt.sex.stories, simply changing the names and
} throwing in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" when needed. Posts the same
} pictures to alt.sex.pictures, simply attaching a different model's head
} to the body. Links to his website posted to the newsgroups provide
} giant money for him.
}
} 18. Xavier Paulino, 17 year old male. alt.2600 regular, owns a Cap'n
} Crunch whistle. Tells Capt. Zack Krusco he's also a police officer,
} then bleeds info from him for hacking purposes.
}
} 19. Tina Roose, 26 year old female. Crusader on alt.tv.foreverknight,
} trying desperately to get the show back on the air. She's the only one
} left on the newsgroup.
}
} 20. Serena Mack, 23 year old female. Once a crusader to get Forever
} Knight back on the air, switched to alt.tv.sliders in 1998.
}
} 21. Nick Guilara, 25 year old male. Once a crusader for Forever Knight
} and Sliders, now hangs out at alt.tv.familyguy and repeats jokes
} mentioned on the previous night's episode.
}
} 22. Lieu. Isaac Harris, 34 year old male. Told by Xavier Paulino that
} Sgt. Willie Fame is an internet stalker, and is now persuing the
} sergeant via alt.cooking.recipes.
}
} 23. Ben Stickler, 13 year old male. Resident genius on comp.linux,
} assists the other 2 Linux users in America.
}
} 24. Freddy Branch, 30 year old male. Wiped his harddrive of all
} Microsoft products, now trying to install Linux. Asks a 13 year old for
} help on comp.linux.
}
} 25. Ted Herns, 28 year old male. Occasionally asks 13 year olds for
} help on comp.linux. Also has his sights set on a couple of 20-some year
} olds on alt.bondage.personals.
}
} 26. Kelli Myer, 19 year old female. Wanner be hacker, whines on
} alt.2600 for some VMB codes. Friends with a cop on alt.cooking.recipes.
}
} 27. Jenni Squib, 24 year old female. Confused about her sexuality,
} visits alt.lesbian for guidance.
}
} 28. Berry Guinan, 31 year old male. Attempting to help a confused girl
} on alt.lesbian into experimentation, and into sending him pictures of
} it.
}
} 29. Vica Beroli, 18 year old female. Gothgirl poster to alt.vampyres,
} trying to start a discussion about how death is beautiful. No takers.
}
} 30. Guy Ferrel, 24 year old male. Attempting to get out of USENET, he
} is using alt.irc to springboard him from newsgroup addiction to chat
} addiciton.
}
} 31. Carl Trone, 28 year old male. Trying to become a contestant on
} Jeopardy!, is posting repeatedly to alt.tv.gameshows in a failing
} attempt to get assistance.
}
} 32. Michael Leau, 41 year old male. Classic lurker. Posts once or twice
} a year when something on alt.bondage.personals catches his eye.
}
} 33. Vince Swaggle, 30 year old. Runs a bot that collects e-mail
} addresses, sells them to big companies. Big companies then pay him to
} spam newsgroups with their ads.
}
} 34. The Oracle, millions of years old. The only sensible one on USENET.
} Answers questions from the masses. Intelligent. Poised. Homebase in
} rec.humor.oracle. On rare occasions, will browse messages on
} alt.bondage.personals.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent news client, and maybe the e-mail address
} to the hottie from the bondage personals group.


1155-07    (9sl64 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise, who is very well read, and (hopefully) is willing to
> write more then six lines,
>
> What would the short story "Flowers for Thagernon" be like? And how
> would the TV movie compare?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It would be a lot like reading rec.humor.oracle.d in reverse date order
} with large dragonflies occasionally buzzing in and out of your line of
} sight. It would be like watching Larry King interview a kitchen
} appliance (stay tuned, next Monday at 9 eastern on CNN). It would be
} like reading the first five words in a two thousand word essay
} repeatedly. Like getting a phone call from Alanis's hips.
}
} As for the TV movie, it would seem that Jerry Bruckheimer is directing
} so not only will it not be as interesting as the book, but Tom Arnold
} will play the hero. It should be explosive.
}
} You owe the Oracle a thousand-five on why Tom Arnold is still
} considered a celebrity and what we can do to slip him back into the
} envelope of obscurity, seal that sucker and mail it off to the dead
} letter office.


1155-08    (kkh83 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #!/usr/bin/perl -w
> until(0) { $_="tsT.rho i.nsdn g i. se. tetvhhs.eae n";$_.=$1,print$2
> while s/(..)(.)//; }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a reply that never really starts...


1155-09    (5ipe6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Pub-crawling Oracle who never has to pay the cover because
> he knows all the bouncer's first names;
>
> Why do they put umbrellas in some drinks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In case it rains while you're having Sex on the Beach.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bartender's dictionary.


1155-10    (4sr63 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie!  Orrie!  Orrie!  The woodchucks, <pant, wheeze> they're flooding
> the queue!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, now Chicken Little, just yesterday you had your feathers all
} in a bunch that the queue was being drained.
}
} It's the natural ebb and flow of the queue.
}
} Find the queue empty? Ask -new- questions.
}
} Find the queue flooded? Answer the one's you feel you can do just
} to.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Colonel's secret recipe.


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