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Internet Oracularities #1156

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1156, 1156-01, 1156-02, 1156-03, 1156-04, 1156-05, 1156-06, 1156-07, 1156-08, 1156-09, 1156-10


Internet Oracularities #1156    (73 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 29 Mar 2000 09:00:29 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1156
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1156  73 votes 3evl4 0fto5 1dftf 3hsk5 4cign 0gona 8mpg2 4iko7 35fsm 3ghji
1156  3.3 mean  3.1   3.3   3.6   3.1   3.6   3.4   2.8   3.2   3.8   3.5


1156-01    (3evl4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can the pain of love be bottled?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely! - And it is bottled, the world over.
}
} Just like the real thing, a little bit causes joy and puts a silly
} smirk on your face.  And just like the real thing, too much and you'll
} start wishing you could just drop over dead.
}
} The stuff in the bottle does have a few good attributes over the real
} thing...for instance, you can share the bottle with several of your
} friends with no adverse affects.  Whereas, we all know you can't even
} share the details of your love pains with your friends and not expect
} adverse affects.
}
} Anyway, hie yourself down to your local spirit emporium and ask the
} proprietor for a bottle of sham-pain.  He'll hook you up.


1156-02    (0fto5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, one of the several advantages to be obtained by asking you
> a question is the increase in value of the lands near the site on
> which the supplicant asks the question from! For this I thank you,
> Most Wise One!
>
> Other than location what should one look for in a property?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are many things to check out when you buy a new property.
} Here is a partial list:
}
} 1) Check the front yard for a statue of Joseph buried upside down.
} If you find him, this means there were Catholics previously living
} in the residence.  This is not a cause for concern, just make sure
} you dig up the saint before you run the lawn mower.  Add him to your
} Nativity set if you're so inclined.
}
} 2) Look for a pentagram painted on the floor with burnt candles
} surrounding it.  If you find one, this means there were Satanists
} previously living in the residence.  This *is* a cause for concern.
} Make sure you do no digging on the property.  You might find something
} or someone you'd rather not find.
}
} 3) Check out the rec room for roach clips, spilled bong water, dropped
} doobies, etc.  This means there were dopers living in your house.
} Make sure the electric company has the current meter reading and that
} the account is in your name.  Grow lamps really run up the bill.
}
} 4) Look under the sink for roach and/or mouse traps.  If you find
} them, make sure you have the place fumigated before settlement.
} When your own pests move in to the new home with you, you don't want
} them kibbitzing with the rodents who already live there.  They'll start
} trading ideas on ways to get under your skin.
}
} 5) If you are buying an estate property, look in the freezer for money.
} If you find any, it means there was a tight-wad living on the premises.
} Have the furnace checked out.  It hasn't been turned on in years.
}
} 6) Check to see if the house is wired for broadband access.  If so,
} there was a geek living in the place.  Sweep well for Oreo crumbs
} and pray that your mail doesn't get rerouted.
}
} 7) Don't trust the Title company.  Go down to the courthouse and check
} the deed yourself.  If you find any liens, it means there were a bunch
} of bad-credit, no good, cheapos dwelling there.  Expect a visit from
} a man named Sonny and at least 7 phone calls a day during dinner.
}
} 8) Look for bottles hidden in the rafters, crawl spaces, and within
} the junk pile in the garage.  If you find any, it means you bought
} the house from an alcoholic.  This is not a cause for concern.
} It simply explains the vomit stains on the carpet.
}
} 9) Look for marks in the master bedroom wall about four feet off the
} carpet in the shape of a headboard.  This implies that a group of sex
} fiends used to live here.  This is only a problem if the property
} is a row home or semi-detached.  Make sure the neighbors know the
} previous residents have moved out.  Otherwise, you're going to have
} to deal with a lot of wall pounding and loud music.
}
} 10) Smell.  Bad odors can tell you a lot.  You'll learn if the last
} family had dogs, kids, illegal fireworks, marital difficulties, etc.
} Always trust your nose.
}
} I hope this was helpful.  You owe the Oracle a 7% commission on
} all sales.  (3.5% if you're the listing agent.)


1156-03    (1dftf dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are incrudible!  Today at work was the worst day ever; the
> brown, sticky material hit the rotating blades.  We all got covered by
> it, all except for YOU.  What's the secret?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is proud to say he stands 100% behind all his fans.
}
} You owe the Oracle a crowd of supporters.


1156-04    (3hsk5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most unrepetitive,
>
> Isn't doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
> the results to change a sign of mental illness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, that's called "Presidential Campaigning."
} So.. yes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Moebius Strip.


1156-05    (4cign dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> what will the month of April bring?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     The rats brought him in with the rest of the morning catch.
} Winifred was so struck by his cranial development and seemingly
} self-aware bearing that she asked for him to be set aside for
} examination by the scientifics. The rat captain, officious as ever,
} declared that this one was destined for target practice for the army,
} and we scientifics would just have to catch our own torture victims.
} Then, as they were rat-handling him into the paddy wagon, the subject
} of our discussion turned on one of them and shouted: "Get your stinking
} paws off me, you damn dirty rodent!"
}
}     You can imagine the sensation this created. A talking human?
} Impossible! The rats staggered back, and were all for killing this
} monster, this freak of nature there and then. But with my help Winifred
} convinced them that this was a scientific specimen which had been
} surgically altered so as to be able to articulate some simple words,
} and that it had escaped last week. Hence it really belonged to us
} already. The rats took some convincing, but they are not good at
} dealing with anything out of the ordinary, and eventually allowed us to
} claim our prize.
}
}     Winifred then insisted on taking her new pet to our home. I was
} against it, of course: the proper place for this peculiar, not to say
} repulsive, creature was the laboratory. And anyway, you can't house-
} train a human! But she got her way, as always.
}
}     At first we could get nothing out of our talking man. He appeared
} to harbour deep resentment against all rodents and, for some reason,
} hated our kind more than the others. We could make nothing of it. But
} Winifred refused to give up on him and, through tireless coaxing and
} kindness, she gained his trust and eventually got him to respond to her
} questions. We learnt that he called himself Or-rie, that he had come
} from far away, and that he was looked on as something of a wise man by
} his own people.
}
}     "That's no surprise," I laughed. "Your people are dumb, brutish and
} uncivilised. They haven't even got tails! You must be their greatest
} genius ever. I only wonder how you manage to communicate with them."
}
}     "You don't understand, Walter," said Or-rie earnestly. "Where I
} come from, all humans can speak. It's the rodents that are dumb."
}
}     "Rodents dumb?" exclaimed Winifred. "What an imagination! How
} fascinating!"
}
}     "How heretical," I corrected her. "Please don't let anybody else
} hear you say such wild things, Or-rie. Others may be less broad-minded
} than we are. In fact, if you come up against the rats again, remember
} never to speak at all!"
}
}     He looked surprised. "What the hell would I have to say to a rat?"
} he asked. Winifred chortled; she found it all a great joke. Why
} couldn't she see the danger we were in?
}
}     The danger manifested itself all too soon. The rat patrol that had
} captured Or-rie reported the talking incident to the council and,
} though we tried to convince them that the captain had been at the
} fermented grape juice and was consequently too rat-arsed to know what
} was going on, the gerbils commanded us to bring Or-rie before a panel
} of inquiry.
}
}     "For god's sake, Or-rie," I warned him before we entered the
} council chamber, "let me do the talking. Say nothing! If they find
} against you, they will dissect you, and they will kill you. In that
} order!"
}
}     "I hate these cat-and-human games," Winifred protested. "Why can't
} we tell them what we have found here? Or-rie is the scientific marvel
} of the age!"
}
}     "And you stay quiet as well," I insisted. "You've done enough
} damage. Now let me try and save all our hides."
}
}     Well, I thought I built a pretty good case for the defence. I
} explained to the three members of the panel that this human specimen
} had unusually well developed vocalising abilities, and we had taught it
} to utter some simple sentences. The rest it had picked up by mimicry
} while living in our house.
}
}     "You know the saying," I concluded, "human see, human do."
}
}     "So there is absolutely no doubt in your mind, Doctor Walter,"
} asked the chairgerbil, "that the creature has no actual understanding
} of speech?"
}
}     I was about to agree heartily when Winifred interrupted.
}
}     "Of course he understands!" she cried angrily. "What's the matter
} with you? Are you mice or men? We can learn so much from this human."
}
}     "The only good human is a dead human!" squeaked one of the panel
} members; the others muttered agreement, covering their eyes and making
} like three blind mice. Things were not looking good, and Or-rie now
} proceeded to make them worse by opening his mouth.
}
}     "Would it help," he asked, "if I pointed out that I am not actually
} human, but a divine, omniscient, immortal being?"
}
}     All hell broke loose. The gerbils were in uproar, demanding that
} the animal be silenced before it could spout any more obscene
} blasphemies. The rat guard duly gagged him. I begged the panel to
} overlook Or-rie's words as he obviously couldn't comprehend their
} meaning, but all they did was recite the Sacred Scrolls at us over and
} over again: "Beware the beast Man. Let him not breed like rabbits, for
} he will makes a rat's nest of his world and yours."
}
}     We were helpless to prevent the outcome. Or-rie was dragged out by
} the rat guards. He managed to work his gag loose and yelled suggestions
} at the panel about what they could do with themselves and some duct
} tape, which I don't care to repeat. Later we learnt that he had been
} lobotomised and set to work in the treadmills that generate the town's
} power supply. Winifred was beside herself with grief. I found her
} sitting in the back yard, a pile of wood next to her, chucking bits
} listlessly.
}
}     "Please don't, my dear," I begged her. "It's not worth it. He was
} only human."
}
}     "Don't pretend!" she snapped. "You loved him too. We both did, even
} though he was so damned ugly. And they treated him no better than a
} hamster!"
}
}     She threw another piece of wood. I wondered idly how much wood she
} could chuck, left to her own devices. I guess I was about to find out.
}
}                    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oh Oracle most wise,
} > what will the month of April bring?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} I've just cast my mind into the future to find out what's in store in
} April and, let me tell you, it's not pleasant. First of all, there's
} been a nuclear holocaust and human civilisation has come to an end.
} Then... What? April 3955, of course. Which April did you have in mind?
} This coming April? That's not very ambitious, is it now?
}
} Oh, all right. You're going on a long voyage and will meet a tall, dark
} stranger.
}
} You owe the Oracle a half-buried national monument.


1156-06    (0gona dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'll take Oracle to block.
>
> Oracle most wise, The Fox Network is showing a modicum of success with
> its game show entitled "Greed." Can you tell me what game shows of the
> other 6 Deadly Sins would be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually all of the 7 vices were tried. Only 'Greed' made
} the final cut. See below for how the other vices fared:
}
} "Sloth"
}
} "The show that dares you to do nothing!" was a colossal flop.
}
} Contestants we're placed in situations where they could
} win cash for seemingly menial tasks. Whomever evidenced the
} least effort would be declared the winner. The pilot episode
} had contestants in a hot tub surrounded by food & drink before
} a big screen TV tuned to The Weather Channel, the contestant
} who showed the least attempt at stifling yawns was to win a
} trip to Pittsburgh.
}
} As previously stated this show was a flop.
}
} A second attempt was made to build a show around awards for
} people who had the best stories about things they had done
} to avoid work, but this deemed to much trouble to set up.
}
} "Envy"
}
} "Take what's theirs!" Six contestants would be taken on
} tours of each others homes. Then they played croquet.
} The winner got to take all the worldly possessions and the
} spouse of the five losers.
}
} Game ran afoul of the network lawyers who said you couldn't
} give away lawfully wedded spouses on TV.
}
} "Gluttony for Money"
}
} This show held the most promise, though it got canned when the
} lawyers said it was encouraging people to do harm to themselves
} which would leave the networks open to liability.
}
} The show was work like this:
}
} 1st part: 5 Contestants gleaned from a pool of 20 in a cherry
} pie topped with raw hot dogs eating contest.
} 2nd part: The 5 lucky finalists were then weighed and send
} home with orders to eat and then eat some more.
} Two months later the finalists were to return
} and be re-weighed. Whoever gained the most girth
} would win their worth in gold.
}
} "Lust and Busts"
}
} 69 contestants had their levels of testosterone measured.
} Then they were shown XXX rated movies interspersed with
} Playtex Bra ads from the fifties. An hour latter the levels
} of testosterone were measured again. The biggest increase
} earned the winner $69,000 and a cold shower.
}
} The lawyers nixed the idea on the grounds that it was
} scientifically unsound and out of fears that the shows format
} was blatantly discriminatory against female contestants.
}
} "Don't hide your Pride"
}
} Grandmothers with purses full of photos of their grand kids
} fought for air time against jocks with shelves full of
} trophies. Both parties armed with megaphones and laser
} pointers.
}
} Lawyers vetoed the idea citing dangers of lasers.
}
} "Anger"
}
} Anyone that could drag a lawyer into the studio was given
} a dollar by other people who had all paid 10 dollars for
} a right to be in the audience. Then the lawyer would
} be stomped to death live on TV.
}
} Dropped for unspecified reasons.
}
} You owe the Oracle a three hour cruise.


1156-07    (8mpg2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle What is the cure for cancer

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} **********************************
}    The Internet Oracle's Guide
}          to Curing Cancer
} **********************************
}
} The world famous Internet Oracle, fresh from his success as after
} dinner speaker, racing driver, move director and international sex
} symbol turns his infallible mind towards the mysteries of the human
} body. For only $19.95 [1], you too can learn of the secrets to beating
} cancer and other illnesses.
}
} Look at what you get for a single low price!
}
} * 58 page book detailing the Internet Oracle's PROVEN [2] method for
}   overcoming cancer.
} * Wall Chart summarizing the Internet Oracle's PROVEN [3] method for
}   overcoming cancer.
} * Audio Cassette of the Internet Oracle's presentation to world class
}   medical practitioners [4].
} * SPECIAL BONUS OFFER * Invitation to the Internet Oracle's 2000 series
}   of lectures "Cancer - Just Another 6 Letter Word"
}
} What the People Have Said
}
} These statements were taken from ACTUAL PEOPLE who have tried and found
} success with the Internet Oracle's PROVEN [5] method for overcoming
} cancer! These statments were not modified in ANY way!
}
} "Now that I've got cyanide poisoning thanks to the Internet Oracle,
} cancer is the least of my worries!"
}
} "I used to worry about my cancer, then the Internet Oracle showed me
} that there are more important things to worry about, especially when
} he's taken all your money."
}
} "Please.... stop the pain."
}
} So what are you waiting for? Operators are standing by! You owe it to
} the Oracle (and yourself) to take this once in a lifetime opportunity!
}
} [1] Add $45.95 for postage and handling
} [2] Not to be used as a cure for cancer.
} [3] Not to be used as a cure for cancer.
} [4] Recorded at the Kellyville Community Hall, 4th January, 1994
} [5] Not to be used as a cure for cancer.


1156-08    (4iko7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is Windows 95 keep passwords for Dial-Up Networking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} These passwords are held in the propriety password storage allloc chip
} secured to the motherboard.
}
} To retrieve them you will need to do the following:-
}
} Make sure you have a full backup of your PC. Keep these tapes in a safe
} place, on top of your hi-fi speakers, or television should be fine. A
} thief will just think that it is an audio cassette and leave it alone.
}
} Open the case of your PC, preferable with a small rockhammer. If one is
} not available a regular clawhammer will suffice.
}
} Locate the memory chips on the motherboard. You need to prise these out
} as we need to purge all memory of the current password from them. There
} is not point in cleaning the password chip, if the Ram still remembers
} them is it? To purge the memory submerse them in neat Vodka for 12
} hours. I find Vodka always makes me forget things.
}
} While these are soaking we can deal with the passwords themselves.
}
} With the case still open turn on the power to your PC. Jam a
} screwdriver into the cooling fan on the Processor so that we can
} generate some heat. Heat often loosens things, like stubborn bottle
} tops, so will surely help with working out those passwords. After a
} short while you should hopefully see smoke escaping from the main CPU.
} This smoke is the by-product of the password combustion and means that
} the job is complete. Switch off the PC and wait for the RAM chips to
} have completely forgotten everything. Plug them back in and reassemble
} the PC.
}
} At this point there will be a short delay while the new PC you will
} have to order is delivered. Once your new machine is set up you can
} boot it up and should then be able to enter your new password.
}
} You may think this is an expensive procedure, but you cannot place a
} pricetag on system security.
}
} You owe the Oracle the rest of that Vodka


1156-09    (35fsm dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,
>
> What are the most common errors that cats commit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE TOP 10 MOST COMMON ERRORS THAT CATS COMMIT
} ----------------------------------------------
}
} 10) I before E except after C. The number of times I've seen cats write
} "seige" and "recieve" is no joke.
}
} 9) Leading from under the ace.
}
} 8) Kirk never said "Beam me up, Scotty", and Bogey never said "Play it
} again, Sam", but you try telling a cat that.
}
} 7) When programming in C, they invariably forget to allocate space for
} strings. It's us humans get stuck with having to sort out the resulting
} mess of dangling references and random changes in the value of
} variables.
}
} 6) Their blinkered, knee-jerk adherence to a policy of appeasement
} towards aggressors. It didn't work with Hitler, it doesn't work with
} next door's Rottweiller.
}
} 5) Over-reliance on the cross-court topspin drive from the backhand
} court.
}
} 4) When preparing their tax returns and taking the standard deduction,
} they either don't remember to check the appropriate box if they or
} their spouse are age 65 or over or blind, or if they do, they fail to
} enter the correct amount on line 21 of Form 1040A or line 36 of Form
} 1040.
}
} 3) Any human chemistry student will tell you to add water gently to a
} mixture of sodium peroxide and zinc powder, but cats, they just squirt
} it on with gay abandon. I don't think I'll ever get the smell of
} Bactine and scorched fur out of my nostrils.
}
} 2) They completely fail to understand the difference between the
} statements "It is neither true nor false that there will be fish for
} dinner tonight" and "It is true that there will or will not be fish for
} dinner tonight". Thus they affirm the law of excluded middle whilst at
} the same time denying the principle of bivalence in the case of future
} contingent propositions, a mistake no human logician would ever make.
}
} ... and finally, The Number One Most Common Error That Cats Commit:
}
} 1) Doing their business in my herbaceous borders. Yes, that's why
} Mister Tibbles never came home. You may pay your respects at the third
} rosebush from the ornamental pond.


1156-10    (3ghji dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 24h00m ...
> 23h59m ...
> 23h58m ...
>
> You'd better hurry up, time's running out.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 23h52m
}
}      Scan results of Google search pertaining to topic of
}      supplicant's query, note best web sites to read, must
}      not make an error in fact, few are called upon to
}      incarnate, it is a serious calling, a rough path full
}      of work and diligence
}
} 23h21m
}
}      finish sending off emails to experts in the fields
}      mentioned in the supplicant's question, I hope they
}      reply soon. To insure that they will read the messages
}      I put key words in the subjects, in all caps, like
}      SEX and MONEY
}
} 21h17m
}
}      Finish reading all web sites, including all their links
}      wife has returned from public library with books on
}      areas that may help me answer the question correctly
}      I call over my neighbors to help me cull the texts for
}      amazing facts and startling asides
}
} 20h45
}
}      have rough outline of points to make in the reply
}      done, in long hand, on the skin of a yak that I
}      prepared myself, note to self: order more yak skin
}
} 19h00
}
}      take a vigorous run around the park to clear mind to
}      aid in the answering process, will have a cup of
}      wheat grass juice and a bowl of tofu when I get
}      back. Oh, and a gallon of 'Cafe Combate'.
}
} 18h12m
}
}      Have copied rough draft to ascii text format, emailing
}      rough to professional proofreader to have it checked
}      for spelling errors and odd paragraph like groupings
}      of phrases lacking in punctuation
}
} 17h13m
}
}      got rough draft back, add insights gleaned from texts
}      and notes written by the neighbor, return rough to the
}      proofreader
}
} 16h29m
}
}      forward now proofed rough to the one expert who replied
}      to my email earlier ( "die spammer scum" ), tweak
}      headers so it appears to come from the dean of his
}      university
}
} 16h31m
}
}      deleted reply from expert
}
} 15h12
}
}      arrive at corner of 5th and Elm with my soapbox,
}      read reply aloud to passing pedestrians, video
}      tape their reactions to see how much they laugh
}
} 13h24m
}
}      return home, eat, sleep, shower, floss
}
} 10h10m
}
}      time is short. call up random people in a time zone
}      where people are awake and read them question and
}      reply, then survey them as to mirth potential
}
} 09h41m
}
}      finish rewrite incorporating info gleaned from
}      taping and phone interviews
}
} 08h01m
}
}      resubmit newest rough to a different proofreader
}      eat two bags of potato chips in a stress caused
}      frenzy
}
} 07h51
}
}      moment of truth, now must look over answer as
}      objectively as possible. Did I do a good job?
}      Is it funny? Is it worthy of being read by a
}      supplicant? Must not fail the Oracle, there is
}      no greater shame.
}
} 05h00m
}
}      Can not decide whether to submit my answer or
}      not, whip self with leather straps to pay for
}      having a part in an answer that may not be prefect.
}      pray for guidance, have sex with wife to calm
}      myself, doesn't work
}
} 02h13m
}
}      the pain, the pain of doubt! Maybe if.. YES!
}
} 01h17m
}
}      reworded tribute so that it shows that the Oracle
}      knows the incarnation is a fool, only now can I
}      even think to send it in. I am so unworthy to
}      incarnate, yet, it is my calling
}
} 00h25m
}
}      I sit before the monitor, all I need to do is
}      push the <enter> key and the email will be off
}      to the supplicant. I close my eyes and hit the
}      key.
}
} 00h24m
}
}      tears roll down my face, I love the Oracle.


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