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Internet Oracularities #1157

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1157, 1157-01, 1157-02, 1157-03, 1157-04, 1157-05, 1157-06, 1157-07, 1157-08, 1157-09, 1157-10


Internet Oracularities #1157    (67 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 07:25:20 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1157
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1157  67 votes 7hoi1 7hvb1 4emha chfg7 6cyc3 4jng5 5ilda 5eoi6 1bhnf 3htg2
1157  3.0 mean  2.8   2.7   3.2   2.8   2.9   3.0   3.1   3.1   3.6   3.0


1157-01    (7hoi1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you think about Slovakia?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I love Slovakia.  It tastes like chicken.
}
} Waiter, czech please!


1157-02    (7hvb1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie,
>
> I've been fighting with M$ Outlook all day ... I've just one question.
> Is this message in plain text?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a multi-part joke in MIME format.
}
} ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01BF14BF.C785B180
} Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
} Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
}
} Looks fine to me, supplicant!
}
} ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01BF14BF.C785B180
} Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1"
} Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
}
} <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
} <HTML><HEAD>
} <META content=3D"text/html; charset=3Diso-8859-1" =
} http-equiv=3DContent-Type>
} <META content=3D"MSHTML 5.00.2014.210" name=3DGENERATOR>
} <STYLE></STYLE>
} </HEAD>
} <BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff>
} <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>You owe the Oracle some black=
} leotards and a box of face paints.=20
} </FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>
}
} ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01BF14BF.C785B180--


1157-03    (4emha dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     To be or not to be, that is the question.
>
> ______________________________________________________
> Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, poor Hotmail.  I knew it, Yahootio, a mailer of
} miniscule cost, of most excellent advertising.  It
} hath borne me upon its backbone a thousand .mp3s.  And
} now, how abhorred in the Microsoft Network it is!  My
} disks spin at it.  Here hung that send button I have
} prematurely press'd I know not how oft.  Where be your
} routers now, your servers, your surges of power that
} were wont to set the net back a few days?  Not one now
} to advertise your own service?  Quite sig-adding?
} Now, get you to Sir Gates's chamber and Instant
} Message him, let him code a gigabyte thick, to this
} message t'will attach.  Make him whine at that.
}
} Prithee, Yahootio, tell me one thing.
}
} __________________________________________________
} Do You Yahoo!?
} Talk to your friends online with Yahoo! Messenger.
} http://im.yahoo.com


1157-04    (chfg7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just a word of warning before we begin:
> If the response to this question is less then ten lines, I will
> resubmit. If the response to this question consists of random garbage,
> I will resubmit.
> If the response to this question points out that "this question
> was already in the digests," I will resubmit.
> If the response to this question contains a ZOT, (although not
> necessarily the word ZOT) I will resubmit.
> If the response to this question contains MIME headers, I will
> resubmit. If the response to this question quotes the entire question,
> unless you are making a point by point response, I will resubmit.
> If the response to this question makes an in-joke the punchline, I will
> resubmit.
> In other words, if the response to this question is annoying in any
> way, I will resubmit.
>
> Okay, now that I've stated my standards, my question is:
>
> Do you have the time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The response to this question calls you a demanding pissant, and then
} says "not for you".
}
} You owe the Oracle a refund of the time spent reading your, ahem,
} "supplication".


1157-05    (6cyc3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *sigh*
}
} Look carefully supplicant.  Down there, that thing next to your mouse,
} kind of rectangular?  That's called a "keyboard."  If you look
} carefully at it, you'll see squarish things with funny squiggles on
} them.  Those are called "keys" and the squiggles are letters and
} numbers.  By pressing them in advantageous combinations, you can use
} them to form words.  The words can then be used to form grovels,
} self-abasement and actual *questions* to the Oracle.
}
} Go ahead, try it!  You'll be surprised just how easy this business of
} using the keys to form words (we in the field call it "writing") can
} be.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 7 page essay on why null questions are a waste of
} the Oracle's time.


1157-06    (4jng5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Timely Oracle,
>
> Why are the British so proud of Big Ben? Is having a big clock
> really all that important?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Time for a quick history lesson supplicants...
}
} In the early 20th Century an emboldened Switzerland was perched
} on the edge of European domination after developing more addictive
} alcohol filled chocolate treats that it peddled to the French
} and flooded the German market with low cost Leiderhosen that left
} little to the imagination and kept the embarrassed male population
} at home crying in their beer ("but momma my leiderhosen, it is so
} tight").
}
} Only England stood against the Swiss (Italy had already rolled over
} and sworn allegiance to the Swiss Empororer 'cause, well that's
} what Italy does when the pressure is put on it). Faced with an
} influx of reliable and cheap timepieces the British Parliament with
} the help of Sherlocke Holmes quickly realized something was afoot.
} The Swiss had cleverly used a set of variable size cogs in their
} watches that over time would cause each and every watch to be
} slightly out of synchronization with the correct time and England
} would be paralyzed as citizens fell into an endless loop of asking
} 'what time is it governor?' and 'tis it tea time governess?'. To
} advert the crisis Lord Cromwell quickly constructed Big Ben so using
} inexpensive and reliable clock parts from China so that the populance
} of London would always know what time it was.
}
} Later attempts by the Swiss to take over England by introducing ski
} jumping were staved off with success (for the most part) and the little
} country of bankers quickly faded into economic obscurity.
}
} So you see supplicant, that's why Swiss chocolate is uniformly
} despised, their watches are laughed at as unreliable and shoddy
} compared to those made in China and everybody laughs at big men
} in Leiderhosen. Oh, and that's why Big Ben is so important. It once
} saved England from being conquered and later, during World War II,
} it told Britian when it was time to kick the krauts butts all the
} way back to Berlin.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete collection of Mr. Peabody
} adventures... except that one episode where Bullwinkle and Rocky
} appeared as Robin Hood and his merry man. That was so, not historical
} accurate.


1157-07    (5ilda dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I suddenly realized, to my horror, what happened
> to Wally Cleaver (from the old TV show "Leave it to Beaver") when he
> grew up.
>
> He's holding down a so-called job in "Dilbert".
>
> So whatever happened to the Beaver?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He's holding down an entry-level service industry position in
} a fast paced and career oriented market. An expert in voice
} activated wireless order transmission devices with experience
} working with the most advanced hot oil to metal sheet cooling
} area transfer equipment, he's quickly taking the work place by
} storm while maintaining a comfortable 38 hour work week that
} allows him not to be constrained by the benefits available to
} full-time employees in his profession. Wearing a smart and
} daring choice of company apparel, he can be found making split
} second mathematical calculations while maintaining his
} hallmark smile.
}
} Would you like fries with that answer, sir?


1157-08    (5eoi6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most melodious Oracle, whose intervals are always perfect, who has more
> rock than a mountain and more roll than a town full of bakeries, please
> bestow your knowlegde upon this humble supplicant.   What exactly was
> Bono looking for, and has he found it yet?   I await your reply with
> baited breath!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, I don't care how fresh your breath is and I don't think
} the fish will either. Second, Bono's looked for a number of things over
} his life with various degrees of success and third, oh great, now you
} got me counting stuff...
}
} Top 10 Things Bono Has Looked For And Search Status
}
} 10. Spare change for a comic book (age 7). Found behind couch cushion
} and in bowl beside smelly man passed out in front of liquor store.
}
} 9. Hook at back of Tammy's bra (age 14). Found along with a half dozen
} kleenex stuffed in each cup.
}
} 8. Keys to parent's second car (age 18). Found along with the knowledge
} that certain drinks shouldn't be mixed and things you find funny when
} you are drunk are generally not the things that the police will find
} funny.
}
} 7. Phone number for girl at bar (age 21). The jury is out on this...
} found the phone number but it turned out to be for a suicide hot line.
}
} 6. Toilet (age 23). Needed after forgetting earlier lesson about not
} mixing certain drinks. Not found. Results unpleasant.
}
} 5. Family Cat (age 9, thought we were going chronologically didn't
} you?).  Found but only when the cat wanted to be found.
}
} 4. Favorite coffee cup after moving to new house (age 30). Found but
} handle broken. Stupid movers.
}
} 3. Lowest prices (age 22). Again, the jury is out on this... found some
} pretty low prices on socks and underwear but probably not the lowest.
} Priests continue to search through flyers to find answer.
}
} 2. Love (various ages). Not found due to continually searching in all
} the wrong places.
}
} And the number one answer, and the most important thing Bono has been
} looking for all his life...
}
} 1.
}
} Umm... I was pretty sure the answer was here a minute ago. Give me a
} second to find it.
}
} Hey, is it just my imagination or does your breath smell like a cool
} winter's breeze?


1157-09    (1bhnf dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O omniscient and all-powerful Oracle, answer me a question
> which has slain my mind for many years.  I lay before you
> my offering, consisting of scores of goats, dozens of cattle,
> and a few pigeons.
>
> I was digging through my Tub-O-Legos[tm] the other day, attempting
> to build a mighty-fine fort for my Hoards of Loyal Lego Men[tm][sm],
> who will most likely suffer great losses at the hands of my vicious
> fleet of death space ships (who's pilots are equipped with swords --
> like the ones that came in the mideval legos), and I noticed something
> quite perplexing.  How come when I need a 2x1 brick, I can never find
> it -- but if I'm looking for a 2x4 brick, I find 2x1 bricks all over
> the place!  This happens with nearly every piece!  Is there any way
> that I can summon the Lego Gods to allow the right pieces to lay
> themselves before my eyes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heh.  Heehehehe.  Oh, this is a good one.
}
} Sorry, supplicant, I know it's not nice to laugh, but really ...
} I think you'll see the humor.
}
} See, there you are, thinking you're the Job of the Lego-Gods,
} thwarted mercilessly at every turn as you endeavor to build your
} impervious fort.
}
} When in fact, dear supplicant ... dear, *dear* supplicant ... of
} all the Lego-Gods' subjects, you are for some inexplicable reason
} the most beloved.  They adore you.  They must be near you, and they
} shower you with Legos at every opportunity.
}
} You think it's a coincidence that you ran into those sales last
} Saturday at Kay-Bee?  That Legos mysteriously lurk in your bedding,
} only coming to your attention with the occasional "OW" in the night?
}
} Other people buy a Tub-O-Legos, play with it a few times, and then
} if it ever occurs to them to wonder why so many seem to be missing,
} they just figure they must just be under the couch.  They are --
} under yours.  Have you looked under there?  It's swarming with Lego
} bricks that have made the pilgrimage just to be close to you.
}
} So, (heheh) you're asking yourself, if the Lego-Gods love me so much,
} why do they keep giving me the wrong freaking bricks?
}
} Oh, this is the good part.
}
} They *aren't*!!  Who taught you to build a fort, anyway?  Escher?
} Lo, for the past many years Lego-Gods have been maneuvering your hand
} to *exactly* the right Lego brick for the given task, let's say a
} 2x4 brick quivering in joyful anticipation of being touched by you,
} being fulfilled in its life's ambition of being placed by you into one
} of your (heheh) masterpieces of construction ... and then you pass
} your hand right over it and grab a lowly 2x1 that's buried beneath
} its Lego brethren!
}
} Do you realize (heheh) how many Lego prophets you have annointed
} this way?  That every brick you stubbornly select in your seemingly
} endless quest to construct the most improbable fort ever made is
} hereafter (HEEheheh) looked upon as a saint by its peers?  That the
} bricks you pass over -- the bricks which would, by the way, build you
} an award-winning, world-calibre fort-to-end-all-forts -- are ever after
} (HAAAhaheheheh) shunned and condemned to a musty life in exile under
} the sofa cushions?
}
} Oh, *wiping eyes* my sides ache.
}
} You owe the Oracle the blueprints to that stockade you built for
} the Lego cowboys & Indians battle.  A few other deities and I have
} a wager on exactly how many laws of physics it violates.


1157-10    (3htg2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, please tell me:
>
> What happens if I don't test my code? I'm a pretty decent programmer,
> I'm inclined to just ship the bastard.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A bastard named, a bastard it will be.
}
} You see, while you may think you've done a pretty good job of compiling
} and editing your own code, a program needs to be coddled, needs to be
} loved and made to show what it is truly made of in every way shape and
} form...
}
} Okay, basically, I'm trying to tell you that your program's a slut, and
} it wants to go around to each of the beta testers and blow their minds
} before it heads off into the world to make its fortune.
}
} You owe the Oracle three months in testing.


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