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Internet Oracularities #1158

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Internet Oracularities #1158    (70 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 08:26:25 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1158
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1158  70 votes coq44 aejgb 9ul73 2arn8 2eohd 6hqf6 ohm52 78dll 9hejb 8epj4
1158  3.0 mean  2.5   3.1   2.5   3.4   3.4   3.0   2.2   3.6   3.1   3.0


1158-01    (coq44 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Divine and kindly Oracle,
>
> Should we leave the chips where they fell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You most certainly should NOT!  You clean up this mess right now or no
} television for you for a week!


1158-02    (aejgb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle...
>
> What is thy bidding, my master?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           NORTH
}           S- AKQ3
}           H- A843
}           D- 62
}           C- 942
}
} W  S- 876         S- 5      E
} E  H- 9752        H- QJ106  A
} S  D- AKJ10       D- Q983   S
} T  C- 1085        C- AQ3    T
}
}           SOUTH
}           S- J10942
}           H- K
}           D- 754
}           C- KJ76
}
} N- 1 Spade
}
} You owe the Oracle a soda while you're up, we got
} this one.


1158-03    (9ul73 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> NULL QUESTION

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NARRATOR: "In our last action-packed episode of 'NULL QUESTION--Private
} Investigator' we found Null entering the army barracks to interrogate a
} suspect in the disappearance of a Sergeant. We join that interrogation,
} already in progress..."
}
} NULL: "You don't mind if I record this, do you?"
}
} PRIVATE: "Well, goooolllyy no, sir. I had me one of those tape machines
} back in Mayberry, only it was a little bigger than that and it was from
} Radio Shack and all, but I used sinnnggg into it all the time. I'd sing
} "Green Green Grass of Home" and "Galveston" and one time I even sent a
} tape of me singing to that actor fella Rock Hudson and he sent me back
} a picture of hisself all naked and all with an invit----"
}
} NULL: "Actually, I was hoping you could tell me about your CO, Sergeant
} Carter."
}
} PRIVATE: "Well, Shazam! That's a real shame about Sergeant Carter. I
} can't imagine anyone wanting to hurt Sergeant Carter. He was such a big
} ol' teddy bear. Even used to let me cuddl----"
}
} NULL: "So, you were close?"
}
} PRIVATE: "Gee whiz. Were we close? On Saturday nights we used to bathe
} together and he used to scrub my back with----"
}
} NULL (grabbing the light bulb hanging from the roof of the barracks and
} placing it uncomfortably close to Pyle's face): "Look, Pyle, you're a
} suspect in the disappearance of Sergeant Carter. Are you gonna tell me
} what you did with him or am I gonna have to sear it outta ya?"
}
} PRIVATE: "Well, goooolllyy. That smell reminds me of my summers in
} Mayberry when the town would get together and slaughter a hog or two
} and cook it up all nice over Farmer Ted's open pit. Mmmmm, makes me
} hungry just thinkin' 'bout it."
}
} NULL (bitch-slaps Pyle until the tears begin to flow): "Who's your
} daddy now, Moon Pi--
}
} ANNOUNCER (breaking in): "We interrupt this broadcast to tell you, the
} viewer, this rather poor excuse for a parody has become too much for
} the censors to handle."
}
} CENSOR CYD: "I sat through 120 hours of 'Married With Children,' but
} this is enough to drive me to cannibalism."
}
} CENSOR SALLY: "Complete and utter filth. There should be a law. Get me
} a lawyer. Is Harry Hamlin available?"
}
} CENSOR MYSTPKQGYN: "This show just sounds like gibberish."
}
} ANNOUNCER: "So there you have it viewers. Nothing from nothing is
} usually nothing but occasionally it's nothing important. You owe the
} Oracle the transcript for the new FOX show, 'Malcolm Is The Mid-Season
} Replacement.'"


1158-04    (2arn8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, mighty and puissant in power and knowledge, riddle me this:
>
> How does one become an Oracle?  I have been reading up on career
> choices, and recieved a brochure from this place calle "Mt. Olympus"
> that invited me to consider enlisting as an Oracle.  I wrote them, but
> the admissions director, a Mr. Zeus, has yet to get back with me.
>
> Can you help me?
>
> Thank you ever so much;
>
> Milton P. Tallywhacker

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, Mr. Tallywhacker, have fallen for the 8th oldest con in the
} book. The Ol' Message from Zeus to be [some kind of immortal] scam.
}
} Rest assured I've taken care of the matter, Zeus takes a dim view
} of these kind of shenanigans. The person behind it is now seriously
} dead.
}
} Milton, if you get an offer too good to be true, guess what?! It's
} too good to be true!
}
} Think man! No one can just decide to *be* an Oracle, it's a calling.
} A talent. A destiny.
}
} You owe the Oracle an attack goose and two peacocks.
} =^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^=
}
} Addendum:
}
} The Nine Other Oldest Scams in The Book (plus the person who
} tradition credits with its first usage):
}
} + AhhHHH! Look out behind you! [ Urgh, ~37000 BCE ]
}
} + I'll watch this chunk of meat cook, you go gather some
}   more wood. [ Thag, ~37000 BCE ]
}
} + I'll stay in the camp and pray to the gods for you guys'
}   victory against the large, angry, well-armed invaders
}   from the north. [ B' Obd Obbs the Shaman, 16000 BCE ]
}
} + Yes, I am pregnant. But it's the child of a god. I've not
}   been unfaithful to you! [ ubiquitous, from time of B' Obd
}   Obbs on to the present ]
}
} + No, no, no. You're not slaves. You are fulfilling the
}   wishes of The Gods! You'll be rewarded in the next life!
}   [ Santhor High Priest of Sin, ~5000 BCE ]
}
} + We wish to join our two peoples together! We will rule the
}   world! Send your king all alone to the old spooky cave
}   tommorrow night and we'll hammer out the details over
}   grog and fine food! [ Zargoon, ~2000 BCE ]
}
} + What? Don't let that slow you down, here, I'll lend you
}   all the gold you need, hmm, just, oh sign this here and
}   here and here. [ One Eyed Ulfga, ~1800 BCE ]
}
} + Here's a present. We give up. You're too powerful for
}   us. [ Achilles, ~1200 BCE ]
}
} + I'm seizing power to help the poor and the downtrodden.
}   [ Sulla, ~90 BCE ]


1158-05    (2eohd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who can make perfect toast with a zot staff,
>
> Now that household appliances are speaking to us, each other, and to
> Redmond, It appears just a matter of time until some get together to
> form a dram company.
>
> The question is, what plays will they produce?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A dram you say, as in an Avoirdupois weight, one sixteenth part
} of an ounce, or 27.34375 grains to be precise.
}
} And you want some plays by appliance based on drams, hmm.
}
} Okay, here goes:
}
} + An Itty-Bitty Midsummer's Night Toaster
}
} + An Extremely Tiny Street Car Named Dryer
}
} + Death of a Barely Perceptible Salad Spinner
}
} + Refrigerating for a Diminutive Godot
}
} + Rosen-Coffee-Maker & Guilden-Microwave are Small, And Dead
}
} + A Microscopic Man for All Seasoning Racks
}
} + The Small Sized Jar of Miracle Whip(tm) Worker
}
} + A Lilliputian Cat on a Hot-Plate Roof
}
} There you go. The Oracle aims to please! No request too
} oblique.
}
} You owe the Oracle a teensy-weensy box seat.


1158-06    (6hqf6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> NULL QUESTION

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a large purplish brick shaped roughly in
} the shape of a brick struck Henry, my faithful manservant for umpteen
} years, squarely, or more precisely, rectangularly, in the head, killing
} him immediately. Eyes toward the sky, I let out what could only be
} described as a death wail, although the peasant who had been witness to
} this described it more as a sneeze. "Things are not as they appear
} here," stated the pretty dental assistant who had administered the
} nitrous oxide from the elaborately-decorated steel canister. The bulge
} in her trousers gave her away, as did her father once the wedding
} procession began.
}
} "But," asked Thomas, the sidekick I had hired from an ad in the back of
} a Rolling Stone magazine, "what does this have to do with the stated
} question?"
}
} "I," replied I, "received a null and rebutted with nothing in return."
}
} "You," stated the incarnation, pausing for the sole purpose of drama
} and because something landed in his eye making it difficult to type,
} "owe the Oracle an infinite statement."


1158-07    (ohm52 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <mlawrence@mchs.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Under which king?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is the four-poster in the corner? --I'll take 'Places Zadoc Cowers
} for $600, please, Alex.'


1158-08    (78dll dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hey oracle
>
> please write back to me and explain THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT ARE
> STOOPID!
>
> i'm sick of it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     the oracle comes to my room the next day. he holds my note in his
} hand. i thought he was gone for many days at the faraway villages by
} the lake, telling the tales. i think he is angry with me. or else he
} always writes to me back. he says it is good for me to read and write
} always. this is the way i learn.
}
}     "Rebellion in the ranks?" he asks in his strange way.
}
}     "you said you will learn me tellings," i says. "many tales. all i
} learn is THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID! i'm sick of it. it's
} boring."
}
}     the oracle thinks. "How to penetrate your vestigial intellect?" he
} asks. but he asks himself, not me, so i say nothing. "Very well, I
} shall set you a new task. Write down how you came to reside here with
} me. It will be a new telling: THE TALE OF KEVN, THE APPRENTICE ORACLE!
} This tale will explain THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID and,
} hopefully, much else."
}
}     so i write THE TALE OF KEVN. it is good. it is a tale about me.
} maybe i'll tell it at many tellings when i'm oracle.
}
}     i am kevn. i am from the village called stoneybridge, only the
} stoney bridge isn't there anymore. it fell down before i was born. now
} there is only a ferry run by josuf the ferryman and his son.
}
}     the last winter is very hard. the food stores run out in early
} march, and three children die. when the young men come back from the
} far pastures, they say that many of the cows have died too, so the
} elders say we can't have a feast. the young men get drunk and have
} fights anyway. we are very sad and very hungry. but i am happy too,
} because i will be a man this year, not a boy anymore, and i will go
} with the young men to the far pastures in the fall.
}
}     then april comes, and also the oracle, the teller of tales. he
} comes to our village for some days. he always comes in the spring, and
} it is a good time. all the people go after the last meal of the day to
} the big hall built by the sons of mari, and we all listen to the
} tellings. and the first telling is always THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT
} ARE STOOPID. i hate it, but the old people say it is very important.
}
}     the oracle begins, "I speak to you of THE THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID!
} Remember them, so that you may not visit them upon your grandchildren
} and your great-grandchildren. I speak to you of INCOME TAX, which takes
} away that which you have earned by the sweat of your brow!"
}
}     and the people sing, "it is STOOPID!"
}
}     "I speak to you of ENVIRONMENTAL DESTRUCTION, which is responsible
} for the unholy mess your world now finds itself in!"
}
}     and the people sing, "it is STOOPID!"
}
}     "I speak to you of FLARED PANTS, which make you look a complete
} jerk!"
}
}     "they are STOOPID!"
}
}     and so it goes on until bedtime. it is boring. i want a PROPER
}     TALE.
}
}     in the morning, before the sun goes up, i sneak out of bed and go
} to the hut where the oracle stays when he is at our village. i want to
} see if jenni is there. she says she only goes to take him food, but
} everybody knows she stays all night. i want to see what they're doing.
} i mean, i know what they do, but i haven't seen it.
}
}     but jenni is not there. when i look in, the oracle sees me.
}
}     "Something I can do for you, Boy?" he asks in his strange way.
}
}     i think quick. "hey oracle, i come to ask," i says. "will you tell
} a PROPER TALE tonight?"
}
}     "You are not, I take it," he says, "an avid fan of THE TELLING OF
} THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID. Care to elucidate?"
}
}     "what?" says i.
}
}     "Enumerate your objections. Why don't you like it?"
}
}     "THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID is STOOPID!" says i clever
} like.
}
}     "A not unassailable but clearly sincerely held viewpoint," says the
} oracle. "So you must be wondering why I kick off with it every year.
} Why, indeed? You realize, of course, that people did not always live
} the way you do now. Once they inhabited colossal cities, with houses
} reaching to the skies. Their ships ploughed the ocean wave, their
} majestic aircraft took hundreds of them at a time for a two-week
} vacation in Hawaii, their roads criss-crossed..."
}
}     "i know all this," says i. "grandma told me."
}
}     "Try not to interrupt me whist I'm in full flow, Boy," says the
} oracle. "It disturbs my equanimity. The point is, people had all these
} marvellous things, but they also had a bevy of eminently stupid ones
} like white supremacism, PCBs and daytime television. I have no doubt
} that your civilization will rise again one day, and your descendants
} will once again enjoy the benefits your ancestors did. I hope that, by
} means of THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID, I can help them avoid
} some of the idiocies that accompanied these benefits in the past. Do
} you understand?"
}
}     "no. will you tell a PROPER TALE tonight?" says i.
}
}     the oracle sighs. "Look here, Boy..." he starts, but i says, "i'm
} not a boy! i'm a man this fall. i will go with the herd to the far
} pastures."
}
}     "What a ravishing prospect for you, to be sure. Very well, then.
} Tell me, my good man, what tale would you like to hear this evening?
} RUMPELSTILTSKIN? MACBETH? OLIVER TWIST?"
}
}     "SIR GAWAIN AND THE GREEN KNIGHT!" says i.
}
}     "So be it..."
}
}     "and then PULP FICTION!"
}
}     "I imagine that too can be arranged," says the oracle. "As a matter
} of idle curiosity, do you remember all my tales?"
}
}     "i write them," says i proudly. "my grandma learned me." and, being
} honest, i add, "a bit."
}
}     he looks at me strange then. "My, my, a scholar," he says. "Tell
} me, Boy - I mean - Man, have you considered alternate career options?"
}
}     "what?" says i.
}
}     "How would you like to become my apprentice, instead of just
} another brain-dead cowherd picking his zits in the far pastures half
} the year? The number of settlements in this catchment is increasing all
} the time; I could do with some help getting round them all."
}
}     i'm real excited. "i will tell the tales?" i asks.
}
}     "Eventually. You'd have to learn them first. Be warned, young
} fellow-me-lad, it'll be a hard slog. There are thousands."
}
}     "thousands," i says. "is that many?"
}
}     "Quite a few," he says. "Let's go and have a chat with your
} guardian, shall we?"
}
}     and so i come here, to the oracle's manse. i do the housework, i
} practice to read and to write, and i learn THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT
} ARE STOOPID. i already know THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID! i
} want to learn new tellings! the thousands of tales that the oracle
} promised me!
}
}     when he reads THE TALE OF KEVN, the oracle says it is a "reasonable
} approximation". then he asks, "Now do you understand the significance
} of THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID? Those who do not learn from
} history are condemned to repeat it. You see?"
}
}     "no," says i.
}
}     he sighs. "Ah well, perhaps in time... Okay, Kevn, you've been
} working diligently, you deserve a treat. Tonight, you'll learn a new
} tale."
}
}     i'm real excited. "what's it called?" i asks.
}
}     "TERMINATOR TWO. It's right down your alley - buckets of gore."
}
}     i can't wait for tonight.


1158-09    (9hejb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> while (dead_horse) beat();

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And there we have it, rhod summarized in one succinct line.


1158-10    (8epj4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'll take "Places Zadoc Cowers In" for $400, please, Alex.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And the answer is :
}
} "Down the hall,
} Descend some stairs
} Into the dark,
} Some vermin hairs!"
}
} > Uh... Where is the basement?
}
} Correct!  Select again!
}
} >I'll take "Obscure Questions - -"
}
} **Beep**Beep**Beep**
}
} Oh, I'm sorry, that means we have to go into Final Jeopardy!  We'll be
} back after these messages for this topic : Divinations Unlimited.
} We'll be back!
}
} **Buy our stuff, and you'll be cool**
}
} And welcome back to Jeopardy!  The supplicants are ready, and they have
} thirty seconds to come up with the question for this answer: "ZOT!"
}
} Boom-bum-bum-bum-boom-bum-boom
}
} Well, we're going to cut it short, 'cause I'm bored.  Pens down,
} everyone!  Supplicant #1, what's your question?
}
} >How much wood can a wo - -
}
} **ZZZZZZZZZZOT!**
}
} Ooo, it looks like the Oracle's watching the program.  Hello out there,
} wherever you are!  Enjoying yourself?  Well, moving on : Supplicant
} #2, what's your question?
}
} >No.
}
} I beg your pardon?
}
} >I won't show it to the cameras, 'cause I don't want to be zotted!
}
} Oh, just show it to me, then . . . let's see here . . .
}
} **ZZZZZZZZZZOT!**
}
} Whoops, looks like he forgot the Oracle's omnipotent, and can see even
} without the cameras.  Oh, that's too bad.  Moving on, Supplicant #3!
} What's your question?
}
} Supplicant #3?
}
} Hey, where'd he go?
}
} You owe the Oracle the location of Supplicant #3.  I owe him a . .
} . uh, a gift.  Yeah, that's it.  A gift.


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