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Internet Oracularities #1159

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1159, 1159-01, 1159-02, 1159-03, 1159-04, 1159-05, 1159-06, 1159-07, 1159-08, 1159-09, 1159-10


Internet Oracularities #1159    (75 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 11:14:51 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1159
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1159  75 votes 3oz76 27tqb dqff6 3mza5 5jsi5 7koj5 3fvl5 6kph7 29uoa 9clkd
1159  3.1 mean  2.9   3.5   2.7   2.9   3.0   2.9   3.1   3.0   3.4   3.2


1159-01    (3oz76 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> None is so fierce that dare stir the Oracle up!
> who then is able to stand before him not quaking
> at the mere hint of a zot?
>
> Is fear more powerful than love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's see:
}
} Fear makes you act differently than you normally would.  So does love.
}
} Fear can make you focus on one thing, excluding all others.  So can
} love.
}
} Fear gives you sweaty palms and an odd feeling in your stomach.
} So does love.
}
} Fear can make you wet your pants.  As to love... there are newsgroups
} about that sort of thing...
}
} Okay, this is quickly getting out of hand.  In brief, fear and love
} are merely two different faces of the same coin.
}
} You owe the Oracle a CD compilation of "The World's Greatest Fear
} Songs".


1159-02    (27tqb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I recently heard the following on the radio:
> "Before you pick a pet, you should know that a dog considers you to be
> the boss, but a cat considers you to be staff."
>
> What about other pets?  What does a rabbit, or a ferret, or an iguana,
> or a Siamese fighting fish think about its owner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's consider all of the options....
}
} Dog: this actually depends solely on the dog, however the dog will
} generally be very submissive in any case.  Remember to treat the dog
} well, however, or else it *will* eat you.
}
} Wolf: See Dog, but apply a zen nature to it.
}
} Cat: You are there as staff.  Or a roommate.  This hedonistic animal,
} however, will submit to anything that it finds pleasurable.  Remember,
} cats have not forgotten that centuries ago, some tribes actually
} worshipped them.
}
} Any rodent: you are a very large object that moves.
}
} Rabbit: Imagine a somewhat jumpy dog, no pun intended.  Of course, it
} can't eat you.
}
} Ferret: The ferret will see you and the couch and there's food in the
} dish! and I gotta go to the bath-Woah! Look! A leaf! Holy smokes, what
} is that light on the floor? Man, this sofa looks very tasty! *bonk*
} OUCH! Why can't I go through this spot? I can see right through it!
} Look! Another leaf!
}
} Iguana (or any other reptile): you are a warm tree that periodically
} moves and makes sound.  You might be dangerous, but I will only strike
} if I can't see you.
}
} Siamese fighting fish: You are potential food.  Now if we were only
} bigger....
}
} Other kinds of fish: you are a giant hand that drops food upon the
} water surface.
}
} Abominable Snowman: Oh boy! A cute little human! I will fold you and
} spindle you and call you George....
}
} Supplicant, methinks the optimal pet for you would be a rock.
}
} You owe the Oracle some rock food.


1159-03    (dqff6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Noel, noel, noel, noel...
>
> Er, how's the rest of the song go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, Elian is not going home today,
}
} The first "No Elian" the Miami relatives did say
} Was to lame media talking heads who repeat what they say;
} On the News,the media, where they lied to the sheep,
} Said on a cold day in hell will we let the dad his own kid keep.
}
} Noel, Noel, Noel,Noel
}
} No Elian is not going home today.
}
} You owe the Oracle some pre-ban cigars.


1159-04    (3mza5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Twice Born Oracle, pal of The Blue One and he who taught Ganesha
> how to write,
>
> What if I don't want to be reincarnated?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like you have a choice in the matter! Foolish supplicant! Reistance is
} futile, you will be reincarnated. Now you do have some options as to
} what you will be reincarnated as. Unfortunately your karma is so low,
} that you don't really get to decide, we'll just throw two six sided
} dice and consult the table "low or negative karmatic reincarnations"
} here in the book...
}
}  2    Worm. The kind that gets squished by young children playing
}       in mud puddles.
}
}  3-4  You are reincarnated as an ashtray in a small midwestern town
}       diner. Hope you aren't allergic to smoke...
}
}  5-6  Pot of petunias. Location of pot may be suboptimal to long term
}       viability. (roll again)
}
}  7-8  Sperm whale. Location of reincarnation may be suboptimal to long
}       term viability. (roll again)
}
}  9-11 A Furby owned by a dyslexic child. A classic race against time
}       to teach the child about 'responsibility', (don't leave the toy
}       Mommy got you out in the rain) before you come back to roll on
}       this table again.
}
}  12   Human, but your only access to the net is through AOL over a
}       2400 baud modem. (might as well roll again and hope for the worm)
}
} You owe the Oracle a new set of dice


1159-05    (5jsi5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, who outdates even the mighty Colecovision,
>
> I've been busy playing Super Mario Brothers 2 and 3, but I'm concerned;
> When little Mario and Luigi die, they just fall off the screen.  Where
> do they go?  Are there a lot of them piled up somewhere?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You aren't supposed to know this, but when Mario and Luigi fall off the
} screen, they go to a strip bar in Chicago, Illinois, get smashed on
} martinis, and crawl back to the beginning of the game where they wait
} until you're ready to play again. "Sometimes," says Luigi, "it's a
} bitch being super and all." Mario appends, "yeah, but the chicks dig
} us."
}
} You owe the Oracle another entry in the epic "Things I Was Better Off
} Not Knowing."


1159-06    (7koj5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Sport of The Universe, Goalie of Knowledge, Referee of
> Wisdom, You Who has Never Been in the Penalty Box of Life,
>
> What new kinds of pets will we see in the new millennium?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A very good -- and timely -- question!
}
} You see, a sudden viral plague will wipe out the world's population
} of cats and dogs in just a few months (about two months shy of the
} start of the Third Millennium [where applicable; void where
} prohibited by Judaic, Islamic or Chinese calendars]).
}
} Realizing that cows' docile nature would qualify them as excellent
} replacements for the vanished pets, scientists genetically engineer
} them to be smaller (about the size of a large greyhound), give them
} actual hands with opposable thumbs, increase their intelligence,
} and market them as the ideal pets (and domestic laborers).
}
} Several years later, a circus owner, having hidden away and raised
} a calf born of two bovines from the future who traveled back to the
} year 2000 (accidentally bringing with them a viral plague which
} wipes out all cats and dogs), will bring his ward into a major
} city, where the two will be separated by the apprehension of the
} circus owner by fascist cops.
}
} Mistaken for a common pet, the calf will be captured and herded
} into a training center where he will be taught to do the menial
} tasks assigned to young bulls -- but he will organize a revolt
} which will turn society upside down, with bovines the dominant
} species, keeping humans as pets and laborers (except for Gary
} Larson, whom they will consider the only intelligent human).
}
} And then the apes, still chafing from the *last* time their noble
} history was so savagely parodied and perverted, will kill everyone,
} cow and human alike, and in the interest of safety, resurrect the
} "Pet Rock" fad, forbidding all other pets.  And if they ever catch
} a rock speaking, then it will quickly meet with the business end
} of a pickaxe.  Ook.
}
} You owe the Oracle a banana.


1159-07    (3fvl5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who invented capitalism,
>
> What do you do about copyright infringers of yours like
> (http://www.searchgateway.com/shopping.htm)? Does Stephen B Kinzler
> take care of stuff like that for you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I consider legal action to be beneath me.
}
} Whenever some company decides to use my name to sell their
} products, I merely instruct my Supplicants to place phony
} orders, using fake names, addresses and credit cards, until
} the company is driven out of business due to the shipping
} and return charges.
}
} And then I use the Wand of Tonker Removal to make the usurpers'
} genitalia fall off.
}
} But I don't bother with a lawsuit; that's just a petty act of
} retribution.


1159-08    (6kph7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yes, but is it Art?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look.  If Marcel Duchamps can stick a toilet on a pedestal and
} call it sculpture, and John Cage can compose a work consisting
} entirely of rests and call it music, then I can damn well show
} a collection of ZOT burns and call it art.
}
} Now, will you give me space in your gallery, or would you like
} to contribute to the collection?


1159-09    (29uoa dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [][][][][]
> [][][][][]
> [][][][][]
> [][][][][]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *looks down.. frowns a bit*
}
} Look, I appreciate your sending the box of chocolates supplicant,
} but would you mind leaving some for me next time?
}
} You owe the Oracle a fresh box of chocolates.


1159-10    (9clkd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most erudite, unencumbered by a need for errata due to your
> perfect nature you are my exclusive source of enlightenment.  I
> worship you and the horse you rode in on. . .
>
> If animals voted who would be their ruler?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The inchworm, of course.
}
} You owe the oracle half a crown.


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