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Internet Oracularities #1160

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1160, 1160-01, 1160-02, 1160-03, 1160-04, 1160-05, 1160-06, 1160-07, 1160-08, 1160-09, 1160-10


Internet Oracularities #1160    (80 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2000 12:43:00 -0500 (EST)

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1160  80 votes 5kzc8 3hzk5 3gtn9 3itm8 7frm9 8nnm4 2jyj6 3psi6 7jtl4 3lmoa
1160  3.1 mean  3.0   3.1   3.2   3.2   3.1   2.9   3.1   3.0   3.0   3.2


1160-01    (5kzc8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So-so wait a second Orrie, hold on...I'm sorry I'm not getting this,
> but it's more complicated than I thought...you're saying that...when
> the zebra opens the can of peas...that's the trigger for the flying
> monkeys to turn on the water.  So, if that's true, how does the pilot
> know which door to use -- and who's got the uranium?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, let's start at the beginning.
}
} 1. Drop a feather.
} 2. Molecules stir, causing a huge chaotic chain reaction in the
}    atmosphere. Tornado forms.
} 3. House is picked up, dropped in Oz.
} 4. Witch is crushed by house. Flying monkeys swarm.
} 5. House is returned to Kansas, with flying monkeys in tow.
} 6. In mid-flight, airplane crashes into house, pilot ejects into living
}    room.
} 7. House is dropped on power lines in zoo. Zebra cages are opened.
}    House catches fire.
} 8. Can of peas roll out of pantry. Zebra steps on can, opening it.
} 9. Flying monkey pelted with peas, react by screeching and turning on
}    firehoses.
} 10. Pilot finds two doors, feels them both. He chooses the one that is
}    not hot, and escapes.
} 11. Zookeeper runs out to address the commotion, falls into large hole.
}    Finds uranium chunk.
} 12. Pilot trips over the zookeeper as he climbs out of the hole,
}    uranium flies through the air.
} 13. Water pools, flows to sewers. Uranium is washed down the drain.
}
} So as you can see, the pilot chooses the door which has no fire behind
} it, by feeling for heat. And by deduction, the Teenage Mutant Ninja
} Turtles have the uranium.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of The Incredible Machine.


1160-02    (3hzk5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most big, who has returned from beyond the pale with some
> neat interior decorating tips
>
> Why is it we persist in calling people who have escaped from prison
> escapees? Surely, if they have escaped from prison they are *escapers*,
> and the escapees are actually the prison guards, or at the least, the
> prison itself.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very few English majors work as prison guards.


1160-03    (3gtn9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gigundous Oracle, you are so big that I find you disgusting.  I am not
> good at appreciating anything that's better than I am, and you are so
> much:
>   - smarter
>   - bigger
>   - better smelling
>   - more sanitary
>   - honest
>   - trustworthy
>   - colorful
>   - rich
>   - hardworking
> than I am that I feel sick every time I even think of you.  Why I
> bother sending you questions when I dislike you, I've never figured
> out.
>
> Anyway, I've aleays wondered about Superman, and now I wonder even
> more.  Remember when he went to change from Clark Kent to Superman in
> the first Superman movie?  And he looked at a "modern" phone booth that
> wasn't a booth at all, and chose to use a revolvolving door instead?
> Well now that everyone has cell phones, the public phone and its booth
> are destined for oblivion.  How will Clark Kent effect the change next
> time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heck, he could totally disrobe in public now-a-days and no one would
} care.
}
} But since he wants to keep his identify a secret (this is for tax
} reasons by the way) here are places you, opps!, -he- could hide.
} {wink,wink}
}
} + Viewing booth in an X-rated bookstore
}
} + Carry a card box around and jump in it to change, people
}   will just think you're a homeless person.
}
} + Go under Bill Clinton's desk, even the Secret Service can't
}   see what's going on under there.
}
} + Carry a sign that sez, will dress up like a superhero for
}   food. People think it's just your 'routine'.
}
} + Grab a passing dog, squeeze it with your super strength in a
}   manner that will cause the canine to feel a need to defecate
}   pretend to be the pet's owner as it does it's doggie stuff...
}   -everyone- averts their eyes from that event.
}
} + Jump into a car, use your super xray eyes to darken the glass,
}   change, then flee. Owners will be jazzed to have cool windows
}   when they return.
}
} + Scream "NOOO! THE ALIENS HAVE COME TO FORCE ME TO UNDER GO
}   ANOTHER PROBING!!" then leap out of your clothes in a flash
}   and zoom off into the stratosphere. This will work real
}   well in California, trust me on this one.
}
} + On the flip side; stomp foot into the ground and yell, "NO,
}   SATAN! YOU SAID NOT UNTIL NEXT FRIDAY!" Then crack the ground
}   open and fall into the hole, closing it up behind you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ticket for speeding on Lois Lane.


1160-04    (3itm8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10.     A cat peeking sideways from the other side of the refrigerator
}         door.  He KNOWS he's not support to get into the beer!
} 9.      A giant fish creeping from behind a rock, about to eat the
}         biggest, juiciest worm and fish hook it's ever seen.
} 8.      Count Dracula in a white tux.
} 7.      PacMan as he's being eaten by those pesky ghosties.
} 6.      Two parts of a mysterious equation written almost entirely in
}         invisible ink.
} 5.      The Alps, as seen from Greenland.
} 4.      Ant construction signs (what, you thought they didn't work?).
} 3.      Madonna from an aerial position.
} 2.      Spock as a young child (so his ears stuck out a little!).
}
} And now for the finale...
}
} 1.      Two boring, plain old, unimaginative >'s.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more imaginative spirit on such a dreary day.


1160-05    (7frm9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, most immortal, who has never had to read a health
>
> Could you please give me a brief summery of the informational
> pamphlet, "So You're Going to Die A Horrible, Gruesome Death
> In The Next Twelve Hours"? I'm sorta in a hurry...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, actually I -can not- summarize it for you, it's
} copy written. Why, if the authorities found you with a bootleg
} copy of it you could get sent to jail. But, below is the
} table of contents. I'll send Zadoc down to the post office
} to mail a copy to you, free of charge. The Oracle is way over
} here for you in this time of need.
}
}     |   |   |                           |  |  |
}    -+- -+- -+-   You're about to Die   -+--+--+-
}     |   |   |     A Self-help Guide     |  |  |
}     |   |   |                           |  |  |
}
} Intro: Everyone dies. Presidents, goldfish, Queens and tarts.
}        It's just you're about to do so in mere hours. And we're
}        here to help. We've read up on dying and talked to the
}        experts so you don't have to, you simply don't have
}        enough time for that.[0]
}
}        Each Chapter is just two pages long, with pictures even.
}        Scan them quickly. There's a good chance your eyesight
}        will be going presently.
}
} Chapter  1: OH MY GOD! Surely this is a mistake!
} Chapter  2: Why you shouldn't go on a killing spree
} Chapter  3: Why you should call a lawyer FIRST
} Chapter  4: Where there's a will, there's angry relatives
} Chapter  5: Sympathy Sex & How to Get It
} Chapter  6: Saying No to Video Taping
} Chapter  7: Three things you can Buy that you can Really Use
} Chapter  8: Burn or Bury? It's your Body.
} Chapter  9: Religion, Help or Hindrance?
} Chapter 10: Time Wasters to Avoid
} Chapter 11: Funny Credit Card Tricks
} Chapter 12: What to Wear
} Chapter 13: Why Death will Not make a Deal with You
}
} [0] References:
}     The Bible, Yahweh and others
}     Tibetan Book of the Dead, Bob Yeti
}     Egyptian Book of the Dead, Ann Nubis
}     American Book of the Dead, Jerry Garcia
}     Dying for Dummies, Bob Jones
}     My First Book of Death, Jon Benet


1160-06    (8nnm4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh oracle most wonderful and gracious and all that sort of bullshit.
>
> what is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} * Life is a mission. Every other definition is false and lead all
}   who accept it astray. The mission by the way is classified and you
}   are not authorized to know what it is about.
}                       Guiseppe Maizerynner
}
} * Life is dumb board game, oh yeah, and a kind of cereal that tastes
}   like wet cardboard.
}                       Alvin Roge
}
} * The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity fries.
}                       Leo McTolstoy
}
} * Life is not being dead. Or locked in a closet 24/7.
}                       Patrick Hurstz
}
} * No human being ever learns to live until he has awakened to the
}   dormant powers within him. The next step is getting out of bed.
}                       James Williams
}
} * Life is a bowel of chocolates.
}                       DeForest Kelley
}
} * We are all functioning at a small fraction of our capacity to live
}   fully in its total meaning of loving, caring, creating and wild
}   adventuring. This is because we have to spend so much time at work
}   so that we can pay the rent and eat.
}                       Herbert Ohno
}
} * Life is a slick trick used by minerals to get moved around the
}   world.
}                       Carl Saybillionagain
}
} * Boys, Life is only a game.  But it's like cards in that you will
}   be dealt some bad hands. Take each hand, good or bad, and don't
}   whine and complain but play it out. Now deal you little punk or
}   fold and get away from the &$^$in' the table.
}                       Dwight D Bossman
}
} * Life is, deal with it.
}                       St. Eric of The Obvious


1160-07    (2jyj6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,should I move to Los Angeles or San Francisco?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that really depends on you!  Please complete the following
} questionnaire:
}
} 1)  I intensely dislike :
}       a) flat ground.
}       b) breathing.
}       c) either of those choices.
}
} 2)  I enjoy immensely :
}       a) the chance to see the ocean, but I probably won't, what with
}          the fog and the traffic.
}       b) the chance to see Hollywood celebrities, but I probably won't,
}          what with the constant crowds and traffic.
}       c) staying at home and reading, or going out to a movie.
}
} 3)  I would like to pay this amount for rent :
}       a) $1150 for a one-bedroom apartment.
}       b) $2250 for a studio apartment.
}       c) what are you, nuts?  No one pays that much!  Besides, I want a
}          house!
}
} 4)  What I love in a sunset :
}        a) What sunset?  It's too cloudy out to see the sun!
}        b) Absolutely stunning colors, but I can hardly tell with this
}           damned gas mask in the way.
}        c) Just simple beauty.
}
} 5)  What I love in a region's weather :
}        a) A change every five minutes.  Boy, I love being surprised!
}        b) A heavy, fog-like substance that gives a sickly yellowish hue
}           to everything.  It could be cloudy today; I can't see the sky.
}        c) Sunny, with light clouds.
}
} If you've chosen mostly a, then you should move to San Francisco.
} If you've chosen mostly b, then you are a sick, sick person who is
} most likely psychotic in every way, and so you should go back home
} to Los Angeles.  If you've chosen mostly c, then STAY HOME!!
}
} You owe the Oracle your moving boxes.


1160-08    (3psi6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most Froody,
>
> Why is it that Petrol stations seem obsessed with giving away free
> glasses?  Are they trying to promote drinking and driving?
>
> Your Servant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but not in the way you're thinking.
}
} With the advent of the actually _useful_ electric car just around
} the bend, the oil companies have realized that the only other market
} besides cars that they could really break into would be beverage
} production.  And while sipping a quart of Unleaded may not seem to you
} like a very tasty nor intelligent thing to do, the children of the
} future will think differently, especially if told by their parents
} from this generation that it is terribly, terribly bad for them.
} Of course, that means that tomorrow's teens won't live all that long,
} but at least we'll be able to bury them in the ground and replenish
} all those fossil fuels we've been removing for centuries.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pint of Exxon.


1160-09    (7jtl4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true? Are bears catholic? Does the pope, well, you know...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, they are (except the Russian ones who are Orthodox, and Pandas
} who are quite clearly Buddhists). No, he used to, but he got fed up
} with all the bears. They kept trying to gain an audience while he
} was in the middle of, well, you know, ...
}
} You owe the Oracle an essay entitled "Certainty in modern Roman
} Catholic teachings - defecation and the ursine influence", in the
} style of A.A.Milne.


1160-10    (3lmoa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Finish the quote:
>
> "Life is like a box of rockets..."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10) it's illegal to have fun with in California.
} 09) you got to light a fire under its butt or it just sits there.
} 08) a bang, some fireworks, then you fall to the ground as spent
}     trash.
} 07) letting dippy Uncle Steve be in charge of it isn't a good idea.
} 06) the safest ones are in the USA, but if you want fun and danger,
}     go to Mexico.
} 05) the duds are the only ones people remember.
} 04) the directions are in Mandarin, the expiration date is unknown
}     and the wind seems hell-bent on blowing your matches out.
} 03) may seem like a good idea to begin with, but just wait until
}     someone get's an eye put out.
} 02) a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing.
} 01) no matter what people say, it's the big ones that attract the
}     most 'oohhs' and 'ahhhs'.
}
} You owe the Oracle a safe and sane suitcase sized hydrogen bomb.


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