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Internet Oracularities #1161

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1161, 1161-01, 1161-02, 1161-03, 1161-04, 1161-05, 1161-06, 1161-07, 1161-08, 1161-09, 1161-10


Internet Oracularities #1161    (79 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 2000 09:49:18 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1161
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1161  79 votes cmmh6 cnmj3 aejbp 2cppf 9mub7 ekpf5 2ppj8 5gnle 7gsk8 9qw93
1161  3.0 mean  2.8   2.7   3.3   3.5   2.8   2.7   3.1   3.3   3.1   2.6


1161-01    (cmmh6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> {}{}{}{}{}
> {}{}{}{}{}
> {}{}{}{}{}
> {}{}{}{}{}

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I looked up at the Oracle with apprehension. I had to concentrate
} not to look at the bundle of dead roses which he had received just
} this morning.  He was looking at me quizzically.
}
} "Another one, master. Another empty box of chocolates."
}
} "Yes, I can see that, Zadoc", he said. "But don't you understand?"
}
} I didn't. I decided that the best course to take was to hang my
} head in shame. I hung my head in shame.  I heard the Oracle rise.
} He approached, and took the box out of my hands.  He started to speak.
}
} "The last time, Zadoc, the last time I received one of these, do you
} remember what happened?"
}
} "Yes master", I said "You answered that you would appreciate it if
} there had been at least some left in the box."
}
} "And what happened, Zadoc?" he said. "I'm making it easy for you,
} you know."
}
} I ventured: "You received another empty box of chocolates, master."
}
} "Now," he said, "what can we infer about the nature of the person
} who did this, Zadoc?"
}
} I would have said that this supplicant was just asking for a good
} zotting, but mentioning zots in front of the master tended to have
} adverse effects on my ability to follow the imperative I received from
} the ravishing young thing I got my coffee from at the drive-through
} each morning. "Have a nice day", she had said. I hesitated...
}
} "This person is asking for a good zotting," he said, in a sepulchral
} voice "wouldn't you think?"
}
} Zot. The word had been spoken. Oh me, oh my, and I was _so_ hard
} trying to have a nice day. Had she said "now" at the end? I couldn't
} remember whether she had said "now" or not. I broke out in sweat.
}
} The Oracle's lips brushed touched my ear. I flinched.
}
} "And you know what we're going to do, Zadoc," he said with a voice
} of gravel "don't you?"
}
} Hesitation is not the word for what I was doing then. Hesitation is
} coffee in the morning. I was sweating blood!  "Er...  We give them
} a goo..." I ventured.
}
} Suddenly I found myself flat on my face. I had received a hearty slap
} on the shoulder.
}
} "We *don't* zot them!" he cried "We don't. We don't! It's so easy,
} Zadoc!  Don't you see?"
}
} Ah. Now I did see. Zots is zots, but this was something other.
}
} "Next!" The Oracle was back on his throne.
}
} He spoke again. "And ...er Zadoc?"
}
} "Yes, master?" I said.
}
} "Don't mention this to Lisa" he said.
}
} "No, master".
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing. Nothing whatsoever. Go away.


1161-02    (cnmj3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "'Tis some script kidd3z," I muttered,
> "Tapping at my server port-
> Only this, and nothing more."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} logon: kidd3z password: nevermoqx invalid password
} logon: kidd3z password: nevermoqy invalid password
} logon: kidd3z password: nevermoqz invalid password
} logon: kidd3z password: nevermora invalid password
} logon: kidd3z password: nevermorb invalid password
} logon: kidd3z password: nevermorc invalid password
} logon: kidd3z password: nevermord invalid password
} logon: kidd3z password: nevermore
} User kidd3z logged on
} Last invalid logon attempt 0.07 seconds ago
} Last valid logon Fri Mar 31 19:03:55 2000
} >
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing, this is going to be fun.


1161-03    (aejbp dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the answers to the test?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.  Yogi.  A mystic.  One of great and holy concentrations, capable of
} completely controlling the heart rate, blood pressure, respirations,
} and cash flow of his/her adherents.  See also Anna Nicole Smith.
}
} 2.  Ostracize.  The one cize that fits all.
}
} 3.  University.  A limited secondary where professionals are instructed
} in pathological lying.
}
} 4.  Analytic.  From the Latin, 'anal' - of the brain.
} Human thought. Compare:
}      Egolytic:  human conversation
}      Gallolytic:  human commerce
}      Biliolytic:  human discussion
}      Podialytic:  human speech
}      Spleenolytic: an editorial
}
} 5.  Ransom.  Money paid to a crook for the redemption of a hostage.
} Ransoms are due April 15, or 105 days after the beginning of a
} fiscal year.
}
} 6.  Erudite, a three-syllable word restricted to the use of a boob.
}
} 7.  Time.  The apparent interval between wastes, means, and sorrows.
} Time is divided as follows:
}        1 week = 7 days
}        1 month = 4 weeks
}        1 year = 12 payments
}
} 8.  Hollywood.  So would Trixie, Liz, Victoria and Susan.
}
} 9.  Element.  There are four elements left: earth, air, bourbon,
} and water.
}
} 10.  Absolute zero.  The prospect of magnanimity, on a scale of 1
} to 273.
}
} 11.  Verbal.  Audible, guttural, overstated.
}
} 12.  Ain't.  The contraction of 'ain not,' from the language of the
} savage tribe of Aine, of Oolong-Pootong, the members of which society
} are commonly referred to Ainuses.  The contraction has no meaning,
} and Ainuses use it when they do not intend to say anything, ...or
} when they do.
}
} 13,  Totally committed.  Said of those inmates sporting the 3-piece
} straitjackets.
}
} 14.   Advice.  Any dispensation of misinformation inducing a sense
} of worthiness in oneself and abjection in another.
}
} 15.  Rewarding.  Remunerative of everything except a living wage.
}
} 16.  Orgasm.  Disappointment in proportion to expectation.  A paroxysm
} of groans.
}
} 17.  Fanatic.  A misguided infidel who murders in the name of Religion
} rather than in the holy cause of Off-Shore Oil Leases.
}
} 18.  Assizes.  British seats of law.  Official bodies whose domain
} is the privy, or court.  In America assizes are Superior and Supreme.
}
} 19.  Lockjaw.  An insufficiently frequent example of God's grace
} toward ears.
}
} 20.  Low-sodium.  Of an insipidness prescribed for those who will
} die by being nagged.
}
} 21.   Privacy.  The fantasy of Republicans.  Insufficient exposure
} to gregarians and other pernicious tedia.
}
} 22.  Augury.  The ancient science of predicting political trends by
} consulting the intestines of a sheep.  Currently it is called the
} New Hampshire primary, and entails the gut-reaction of a jackass.
}
} 23.  The wages of sin.  About $200 an hour.
}
} 24.  Holy Land.  an area near the Dead Sea, in the Mideast, whose
} monuments are held sacred by Christian, Jew, and Moslem alike.
} These include the Barrels of Arabia, the Pipelines of Persia, and
} the Tankers of Kuwait.
}
} 25.  Evil.  The evening clothes of foolishness.
}
} 26.  Tip of the iceberg.  1/8 of my ex-wife.
}
} 27.   Ithyphallic.  Pertaining to a hymn to Bacchus, written in
} lines of three trochees, an amphibrach, four tercets, a distich,
} two chancres, and a spirochete.
}
} 28.  Cubicle.  An office designed in the shape of an executive.
}
} 29.  Sauntering.  One method by which a wise man makes correct use
} of his feet.  The other is by kicking a congressman in the pants.
}
} 30.  Omen.  A sign from God of an impending obscurity.
}
} 31.  Deregulate.  To promote the spirit of free competition by
} dividing a large monopoly (i.e....Microsoft) into several smaller
} ones, in order to benefit the public by raising prices and eliminating
} technical support.
}
} 32.  Syrup.  Stock-in-trade of politicians.  It is prepared by boiling
} one-syllable words until they run together.
}
} 33.  Ax.  To propose a query, in a specialized urban environment.
} Retorts are hackneyed and incoherent.
}
} 34.  Narcoleptic.  One who dozes while you talk, but for an improper
} reason.
}
} 35.  Dicotylyzitofylerazonous.  Having two cotylyzitofylerazons.
}
} 36.  Natural.  Pure; wholesome; healthful, ...inedible.
}
} 37.  Elope.  A congenitaly blind burrowing animal, sometimes nocturnal
} in its habits.  Distinguished from an antelope, a wise being of much
} better vision, and fleeter of foot.
}
} 38. Entertain.  To elevate from boredom to disgust.
}
} 39.  Dignity.  The Tree of Life, cut down by Civilization and bulldozed
} to the Mill of Society, where it is whittled to the Toothpick of
} Despair.
}
} 40.  Tone deaf.  In accord with popular music.
}
} 41.  Oversexed.  Addicted to penicilin.
}
} 42.  Group therapy.  An orgy of confessionals.
}
} 43.  Exuberance.  A defect of character in those prone to exhibitions
} of salesmanship, fits of social-awareness, or other excesses,
} dissipation, theme parties, pre-theatre suppers, career opportunities,
} and fund-raisers.  The foible is correctible by banning brunch
} hostesses and motivation seminars for a period of seven years.
}
} 44.  Transsexual.  One seeking a second disappointment.
}
} 45.  Assist.  To increase the factor of incompetency by one.
}
} 46.  Larceny.  A sturdy fiber of which, according to medical opinion,
} the human heart is more or less composed.
}
} 47.  Intuition.  The immediate knowing of something unencumbered by
} the process of thought.
}
} 48.  Full bore.  DMP, on the subject of his penis.
}
} 49.  Eyes.  The windows of the sold.
}
} These are the answers for the Omnipotent's and Oracle's Exam.
} You'll need to work out for yourself exactly where and how to submit
} it and with whom to apply.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of hangover remedy...stat.


1161-04    (2cppf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tremendously wise  Oracle who never fails to not overlook
> any crucial nor non-crucial points,
>
> What will the next Civil War in the USA be about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Montana and Wyoming will attempt to secede from the union on the
} grounds that no one was paying attention. When Washington DC finds
} out they immediately bomb North Dakota by accident, which still has a
} large number of nuclear warheads from the cold war. North Dakota then
} nukes Texas on the grounds that it can.  Idaho citizens, outraged,
} will invade Montana with potato guns for trying to leave without
} taking them with.
}
} The first offensive:
}       Wisconsin attacks upper Michigan because they feel they have more
} right to that land that Michigan ever did. Florida sends an
} army of alligator riding warriors into Alabama.  They continue
} west until they reach Mississippi, where the surviving Texans are
} currently residing. In a battle that lasts 33.24 seconds, the Texan's
} armored trucks annihilate that alligator riders my running over them.
} While its citizens are in Mississippi, Texas is reclaimed by Mexico.
} The surviving Florida fighters return to find the lower half of the
} state has been conquered by Cuba.
}
} The second offensive:
}       Utah sweeps through Nevada pushing people, casinos, and large
} mountain ranges into California. Unable to support the weight,
} California breaks off of the continent. Within seconds they declare
} independence and form the Independent State of Secluded Separation.
}
} The third offensive:
}       With California gone, Maryland makes a sneak offensive to attempt
} to reclaim the land it gave for Washington DC, while DC is still
} sorting through former Californian Social Security numbers. Driven by
} the success of Maryland, New Jersey attempts to take over New York
} City, but gets lost before they get more than a mile in city limits
} and are never heard from again. Delaware and Pennsylvania fight over
} New Jersey. Pennsylvania wins, but while it is fighting Delaware,
} Ohio sneaks in behind it and conques 3/4ths of the state.
}
} The final push:
}       To finance their final offensive the U.S. Government sells Alaska
} to China and, unbeknownst to its citizens or government, sells
} Canada to Japan. They use the money to buy expensive toilet seats
} and lob them at the renegade states.  Fearful that the war may end,
} every state north of Interstate 70 concurently attacks Nashville,
} forever silencing country music.
}
} The resolution:
}       With the elimination of country music, the nation finds itself
} far less irritable. States make peace with each other, except for
} Indiana, which signs itself over to Illinois because no one bothered
} to read the treaty first. So the United States government issues new
} flags with 45 and one half stars, and the nation is at peace again.
}
} You owe the oracle a reinforced concrete bunker with 3 years of
} supplies and a better design for the new flag.


1161-05    (9mub7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most literally-minded Oracle, whose intentions never were a path to
> hell, whose ZOT is worse than his frown, whose power encloses all worms
> late or early:
>
> Did your curiosity ever kill the cat ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Killed mine.
} And I never did get to find out how the cannon worked.


1161-06    (ekpf5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "'ere the other side you see, you must answer these questions three."
>
> "Ask away, Bridgekeeper."
>
> "What is your name?"
>
> "The Internet Oracle"
>
> "What is your quest?"
>
> "To seek the Lost Monty Python Skit"
>
> "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck
> wood?"
> ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Stop that!  It's silly!" the Colonel ordered stepping out from
} off screen.  "Here we had a fine little skit about lost Monty Python
} skits, when you start blathering about woodchucks.  Now we're going to
} show you something proper and military, some precision ZOTing.  Oracle,
} on the command ZOT, ZOT.  Oracle!"
}
} ZOT!
}
} Thank goodness, he's gone.  Now what was that last question,
} bridgekeeper?
}
} You owe the Oracle an African and European swallow.


1161-07    (2ppj8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I draw people smiling, dogs running, rainbows. They don't have meetings
> about rainbows.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah! You are so right, supplicant... but they SHOULD.
}
} That is why I formed the Committee for Rainbow User Discussion (CRUD).
}
} You too can join CRUD. Simply send $24.95 plus $5.95 S&H to:
}
} CRUD
} c/o Roy G. Biv
} PO Box 9
} Spectrum, AR 64738
}
} They will send you a membership card, schedule of meeting times, and a
} genuine crystal prism, so you too can make your own rainbows!
}
} Here are the minutes from the last meeting, so you can catch up with
} the latest happenings.
}
} CRUD Minutes
} Apr. 18, 2000
}
} 8:00 Meeting called to order
}
} 8:01 Issue 1: Pot of Gold
} Motion: Due to inflation, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow
} shall be increased in size by 15%.
} Motion seconded, voted for 14-1. Only objection coming from Darby
} O'Sullivan.
}
} 8:06 Issue 2: The Indigo Debate
} Discussion: Once again, the argument that indigo should not be a
} recognized spectrum color is brought up. A strong argument is raised
} that in a box of 8 Crayola crayons, each of the other 6 spectrum
} colors are recognized, with indigo not present. Discussion continued,
} with no vote.
}
} 8:28 Issue 3: Kermit the Frog Tribute
} Break: Sing-along of "The Rainbow Connection"
}
} 8:32 Issue 4: Rainbow Sprinkle Marshmallows
} Discussion: Lucky Charms recently introduced totally white, arc
} shaped marshmallows to their cereal, with said marshmallows covered in
} rainbow colored sprinkles. Everyone agreed that non-uniform sprinkles
} do not constitute a rainbow. A strong letter shall be written to
} General Mills, stating that these pseudo-rainbows make the cereal
} significantly less "magically delicious".
}
} 8:39 Issue 5: Meeting closing
} Voting is re-capped, any open motions resolved. Next meeting scheduled
} for April 29, 2000. Meeting adjourned.
} ========================================================================
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of ruby slippers.


1161-08    (5gnle dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, most wise, who can run an ELF binary by hand...
>
> Can you give me a summary and review of the recent O'Reilly book,
> "Setting Up A Tolkien Ring Network"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The long awaited O'Reilly book, "Setting Up A Tolkien Ring Network"
} is the product of many of the Greatest Minds of Middle Earth (ME).
}
} The text would have been released earlier, but one collaborator is
} working at a notoriously slow pace and, well, no one has the heart
} to prod him along.
}
} Below are the many sections and an excerpt from the foreword
} for each of those sections.
} ()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
}
} Table of Contents
}
}   1. Dire Warnings and other Jazz
}      by Mandos ( The Doomsman of the Valar )
}
}      Whilst others have gone this way, of no guarantee can I
}      speak for you. Here within are listed Legal Mumbo Jumbo
}      absolving us of any doom you bring unto yourself!
}
}   2. Hardware requirements
}      by Duirn (Father of the Dwarves)
}
}      Cold sheet steel encases the feverish mind of the box
}      before you. What contraptions will you need to place where
}      to make it work? I, the eldest craftsman, student of none
}      other than Aule the Smith will be your guide through the
}      dark twisty passages inside. And together we will craft
}      a thing of beauty. And strength. And vengeance! Baruk
}      Khazad! Khazad aimenu!
}
}   3. Which Valar should I evoke?
}      Gandalf (Most Successful of the Maiar)
}
}      Sit, sit little one. Smoke if that's your pleasure, a
}      bit of stout if it's not. Ah, it's great to be alive is
}      it not? But beware. A cold dark empty screen can be fall
}      you if you stray from the path. But fear not, well, at
}      least not right now. I am here to guide you. Unless of
}      course I have to dash off on some errand. So steel yourself.
}      Let me help you pick a Vala to whom you can look in
}      such times.
}
}   4. Installation and Setup
}      The Ring Makers of Eregion
}
}      A complication of articles on each step of ring construction
}      by those acknowledged by all of ME to be -the- masters of
}      this skill. Not to be missed. This no-nonsense section is
}      worth the price of the text alone.
}      NOTE: O'Reilly does not condone nor advocate fabrication
}            of Rings of Power.
}
}   5. Known problems
}      Wormtounge (Former advisor to The House of Theoden)
}
}      A pretty little mess you've decided to delve into here. I
}      wouldn't have even bothered, there are easier, more, how
}      to put it, more profitable ways of doing this. I can help
}      you if you wish. But it's of no never mind to me.
}
}   6. Questions and comments
}      Bilbo (noted chronicler of events at Rivendale)
}
}      { Note: this section will contain many fascinating
}        discussions and rare and precious tidbits of lore. }
} ()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
}
} You owe the Oracle a meal at the Prancing Pony.


1161-09    (7gsk8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [Question removed due to lack of space - ed.]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi, Ed.  I know what you mean.  I question that "removed due to lack of
} space" crap myself.  You sit there, you spend DAYS, WEEKS maybe,
} writing that perfect question for the Oracle.  You get it formatted
} just so in HTML, just the right fonts, a couple of hefty bitmaps, your
} best 418-line .sig. And when it comes back, you get nothing.  Just the
} snotty little "removed due to lack of space".  So you know what?  I'm
} sick of it!  Are you with me, man?  We don't have to take this!  Here's
} what we do:  First, we tell the Oracle where he can put his lack of
} space!  Ha ha!  Then w[;.<!~=-
}
} [Reply removed due to lack of incarnation. -O.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a lot more personal space.


1161-10    (9qw93 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do people really care so much about money and power that they are
> willing to throw their ethics down the toilet and exploit their
> fellow man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hell yes!
}
} And that's usually getting off fairly easy.  At least that way you
} have a small chance of just barely getting into Heaven due to some
} random acts of kindness performed at accidental times all throughout
} your life.
}  For most, reversal of ethics and complete exploitation are _still_ not
} enough to claim money and power, and are forced to either sell their
} soul (good negotiators can come away from this one with a win-win;
} others die the following morning) and/or resort to politics.
}
} You owe the Oracle a campaign for senator.


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