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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > There is a problem in our database.  Even though all data is > not missing there are data items that are missing from the > database.  I cannot find any commonality among the data > so I suspect that it is a problem in the database itself. > > Where shall I look first to find missing data other than > the user(s).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'm not sure about your missing records, but all mine turned up } at my ex-girlfriend's place. } } You owe the Oracle a rim-shot and a complete set of "Kool and The Gang" } eight-tracks.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where am I??? > > What's going on?? > > HELP!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Those four walls are a cubicle.  You have to actually write } programs now as opposed to web surfing for 8 semesters and writing your } thesis on "The Diversity of the Internet"  Graduating's a bitch isn't } it? } } You are the Oracle a coffee break.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "'Tis some script kidd3z," I muttered, > "Tapping at my server port- > Only this, and nothing more."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quoth the Oracle, "dumping core."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of the terrifying and stalwart mentality, > > Is it wrong to engage in sex before the ceremony?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's traditional for the best man to give the bride a present before } the service. } } You owe the Oracle a best man position at the wedding of Michael } Douglas and Katherine Zeta Jones.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Three queues for Injoke-Kings under spam >    Seven for the Tellme-Lords in their halls of questions, > Nine for Queue Drainers doomed to banning >    One for the Dark Priest with his dark account > In the land of Indiana, where IUVAX lies. >    One queue to rule them all, One queue to bind them >    One queue to bring them all and in the digests bind them > In the land of Indiana where IUVAX lies.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This reminds me of something that happened to Zadoc yesterday when he } was running an errand for me in the swamp (I didn't actually need } anything that urgently; I just like making Zadoc slog through the } swamp).  He got lost, you see, and an ugly little greenish guy came up } to him... } } UGLY GREEN GUY:  What has the Zadocitses got in its pocketses? } } ZADOC:  Hey, you know my name...sort of. } } UGLY GREEN GUY:  I know many things. } } ZADOC:  Do you know the way to San Jose? } } UGLY GREEN GUY:  Are you trying to be funny? } } ZADOC:  No, I've got to buy the Oracle a souvenir snow globe from San } Jose. } } UGLY GREEN GUY:  Oh, well, yes, I do know how to get there, but I'll } tell you what...I'll only tell you if I can't guess what's in your } pocketses. } } ZADOC:  That makes no sense. } } UGLY GREEN GUY:  Shut up. } } ZADOC:  All right, whatever.  What's your name, anyway?  I bet it's } getting tiresome having to type "Ugly Green Guy" over and over again. } } UGLY GREEN GUY:  Ctrl-V would fix that. } } ZADOC:  Whatever.  Just guess. } } UGLY GREEN GUY:  You have to give me a clue first.  And not a stupid } clue. Give me a stupid clue and I'll give you such a pinch. } } ZADOC:  Okay...um...it's small... } } UGLY GREEN GUY:  Of course it's small, it fits in your pocketses, you } idiotses. } } ZADOC:  ...and it's metal...and it's got a hole in it... } } UGLY GREEN GUY:  You suck at this, let me tell you.  You know these } riddles are supposed to rhyme, right? } } ZADOC:  Oh, no, I didn't.  Um...it's not quite sharp as a } nettle...and...hey, you've stolen it! } } UGLY GREEN GUY:  Yes, I have, so that should make it pretty easy to } guess. } } ZADOC:  Give it back!  Why did you do that? } } UGLY GREEN GUY:  I was just trying to help you finish the rhyme because } you're such a loser.  Anyway, hmm, what could it be?  Looks like a key. }  I'm going to guess "key". } } ZADOC:  Damn, you're good. } } UGLY GREEN GUY:  Well, here's your key.  You lose. } } ZADOC:  So I'm basically in the same boat I was in before I met you. } } UGLY GREEN GUY:  I guess so. } } ZADOC:  So this whole exchange was entirely pointless. } } UGLY GREEN GUY:  Kind of. } } ZADOC:  And you probably don't actually know the way to San Jose, do } you? } } UGLY GREEN GUY:  No. } } ZADOC:  Yeesh.  I hope the next guy to come through here gives you what } for. } } You owe the Oracle a ring.  How come you never call?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Isn't it hot in here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should have thought about that before you sold you soul } for those tickets to the last Rolling Stones tour. } } You owe the Oracle some sympathy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All right!  Hands up!  This is the police!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hans Upp, winner of the 'Meet Sting and his Band' Contest was } the happiest little Dutch boy since one of his fore-fathers } spent the night with his finger in a dyke. } } Ewe Oh the Oracle a cherry float inn the Homophone Pride Parade.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most knowledgeable one, > - > For the past ten years my parents have been > giggling maddly about the number forty-two, and > soon being able to to pay off their debt. > - > Yesterday while hiding in the attic, I found a > brand new steamer trunk, a Japanese school uniform > in my size, a shipping lable with the adress > filled out to a colledge in Indiana, and a shipping invoice > made out to one T. I. Oracle, contents: one (1) > first born daughter age 16. > - > I have two questions, > 1. Will you be gentle? > 2. Could you ZOT my parents after delivery? > --- > Please ignore the folowing, as they are added by people with the > morals of a MicroSoft(tm) marketer... > > Send FREE April Fool's Greetings to your friends! > http://www.whowhere.lycos.com/redirects/American_Greetings.rdct

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Humble Supplicant! } } You have been honored above all young ladies.  You have } been chosen to serve the Oracle as Handmaiden to the } Ineffable.  Your duties will include: } }   *  Midnight donut runs -- wisdom is fueled by chocolate glaze, }          y'know. }   *  Routine maintenance of the ZOT-stick }   *  Occasional service as a back-up capacitor for our uninterrupted }          power supply system.  You always said you were after power, }          right?  You will be a mover and shaker in current events. }          Our current Handmaiden was sent 'ome after an attempted re- }          volt; while the Oracle has a great capacitance for mercy, it }          brooks no resistance (which is futile, anyway). }   *  Midday donut runs -- just because }   *  Artistic director for the Oracle's in-house Chippendale dancers. } } The reason that your parents essentially sold you into white } slavery is that they, through a slight miscalculation, poured } their life's savings into an investment of "Kopemon" cards } and "Meanie Babies".  In order to fuel their jet-set lifestyle } and stave off their creditors -- mainly husky Italo-American } gentlemen and mustachios-twirling Frenchmen -- they appealed } to the Oracle for a small bridge loan.  You, O Handmaiden-to-Be, } were the collateral.  One may note that they still own their } house and car and various consumer electronica and question } their priorities, but what's done is done. } } Further note:  You are adopted.  You are really one Joan Kennedy, } and with the loss of John, the family is desperately searching } for their Joan-Joan, to succour them through the darkness and } lead the Family into this bold new century.  Too bad you have a } different destiny laid out for you. } } One last note:  Don't worry about the Oracle taking action } against your parents.  They have to deal with Lenny } "The Ox" Tattaglia, Guiseppi "The Wolverine" Fiori, and } Guido "The Duck" Cuacklione, and have quite enough on } their plate already. } } You owe the Oracle fourteen (14) years of servitude, and } a big nose-honk to your irresponsible parents.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > If the incomparable blind bard Homer were with us > today, would he succumb to corporate pressure and > sing of Odysseus sailing across the Coke-dark sea > in his Funship to reach the Miller Lite Walls of Troy? > > I weep, awaiting your sagacious reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <The Odyssey, a Television Treatment by Homer> } } Plot Outlines, 16 key episodes, spanning 2 seasons. Intermediate } Episodes to be written by union script writers. } } Key Episode 1: The great god Zeus (John Goodman?) calls a council of } the gods and demands that Calypso send Odysseus go home. Telemachus is } ordered to call an assembly meeting then travel to Sparta. Film on } location in New Zealand. Odysseus hangs out with Xena. Cameo by Kevin } Sorbo? } } Key Episode 2: Telemachus tells the suitors that they will have to pay } rent and restitutional expenses and pain and suffering. Hires Gavin } McCleod to captain his boat, the "Pepsi Princess" to look for Odysseus. } } Key Episode 3: Telemachus travels through time and brings Buffy and } Angel back to the past where they battle the evil vampires at Pylos. } Evil vampire Nestor killed in one-on-one with Angel. Peisistratus is } cured of his vampirism by his love for Buffy and comes with Telemachus. } } Key Episode 4: Suitors contact Tony Soprano to kill Telemachus. King } Menelaus (David Hasselhoff?) tells Telemachus that Odysseus is held } prisoner on the island of Calypso. } } Key Episode 5: Paul Schaeffer reprises his "Hercules" role as Hermes } and plays a groovy beach tune while Odysseus and some beach babes } party. Calypso gives Odysseus a supply of GatorAde to take on the } voyage with him. Odysseus recalls his battle and how he came to meet } Calypso. } } Key Episode 6: Battle scene. Odysseus sails and meets Nausicaa. } Nausicaa and Odysseus party down. Evan Dando appears as Demodocus and } sings the new Lemonheads song. } } Key Episode 7: Odysseus meets Lotus Eaters. Guest appearance by the } Back Street Boys. Odysseus meets the Cyclops and helps him out by } giving him a uni-lense spectacle made by Lenscrafters. Cyclops lets } Odysseus and his crew go for being so cool. } } Key Episode 8: Odysseus meets Aeolus, who gives Odyesseus a ride in his } new Windjammer. Odysseus runs into the Laestrygonians, promo spot for } KC Masterpiece BBQ sauce. Circe (Heather LockLear) turns the crew into } pigs. The crew are saved when Hermes gives Odysseus a pack of Trojan's } Extra Sensitive condoms and he impresses Circe with his love-making } abilities and his wisdom in being safe about sexually transmitted } diseases. } } Key Episode 9: Odysseus meets the Sirens (guest stars Destiny's Child). } Odysseus and crew party with the Sirens. The crew decide to stay with } the Sirens. Odysseus drinks a Red Bull and tries to swim back to Troy. } } Key Episode 10: The Phaeacians give Odysseus a ship and clothes from } the Gap. Odysseus arrives at Ithaca and is disguised by Athena } (Florence Henderson) as beggar. Odysseus reveals his identity to } Telemachus, but not Penelope or Laertes. Telemachus and Odysseus return } to Odysseus' house. } } Key Episode 11: Telemachus returns to his mother and the soothsayer } Theoclymenus tells her that Odysseus is disguised on the island. } Odysseus sees Argus the hound, whom he gives Beggin' Strips. } } Key Episode 12: Irus (Lennox Lewis), a beggar, arrives at Odysseus' } house and bullies him. Antinous and the suitors arrange a boxing match } between the two. Odysseus refuses to fight so that they can settle } their argument peaceably. } } Key Episode 13: Penelope announces that she will choose a suitor who } can string Odysseus' bow and shoot an arrow through twelve axe handles. } James Hettfield and Ted Nugent guest star. } } Key Episode 14: Odysseus wins the contest. The suitors are forced to } guest star on the Tom Green show where they are pelted with sheep } feces. } } Key Episode 15:  Penelope and Odysseus are reunited. Penelope asks } where the hell he's been all these years and who this Circe bitch is. } } Key Episode 16: Odysseus and Penelope move into a house in Brooklyn } across the street from their in-laws where they have many hilarious } sit-com adventures. } } You owe me a television treatment for The Illiad.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose magnitude of talent, intelligence and beauty is > so great that it renders such words meaningless, please tell me: > > What happens if I plug in the ham sandwich?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                     OWNER'S MANUAL FOR E-SANDWICH }                     ----------------------------- } } Congratulations!  You are now the proud owner of a MicroDeli WinPro } Digital Millennium Monster Internet Road Warrior CyberPocket E-Sandwich } 3D-Plus.  The E-Sandwich represents the latest technology in portable, } net-enabled virtual food.  Now you'll be able to enjoy the great taste } of a ham sandwich where ever you go -- without the mess, hassle, } calories, economy and nutrients of traditional food products. Talk } about conspicuous consumption! } }                          INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE }                          -------------------- } } 1. Insert rechargeable battery pack. } 2. Plug E-Sandwich into power receptacle. } 3. Charge for twelve hours. } 4. Unplug E-Sandwich. } 5. Position selector switch on "White" or "Whole Wheat" } 6. Turn on.  Allow 2 to 3 minutes for E-Sandwich to boot. } 6. Place E-Sandwich in mouth -- Mmmmm!  The great taste of virtual ham! } 7. Recharge for twelve hours after every ten minutes of use. } }                         ACCESORIES }                         ---------- } Order one of these fine E-Sandwich accessories to enhance your } simulated dining experience: } } Additional battery-pack ($199) - weighs only five pounds. } } Faux Leather Sandwich Bag ($29.95) } } Swiss Cheese expansion module ($499) - Through the miracle of modern } technology, enjoy the great taste of ham AND cheese AT THE SAME TIME! } } Internet Expansion Pack ($699) -  Allows you read e-mail and surf the } web while enjoying virtual pork!  Requires laptop computer and modem } (not included). } }                              WARNING }                              ------- } } ALWAYS UNPLUG E-SANDWICH BEFORE USE.  In clinical trials, many subjects } reported adverse effects upon use of the E-sandwich while still } plugged-in, including: third degree tongue burns(22%), singed } hair(18%), loss of bladder control(13%), grand mal seizure(8%), "pretty } colors"(5%), and "tastes like chicken"(4%).  The remaining subjects } were unavailable for comment, pending autopsy. } } COMPATIBILITY: The E-Sandwich is not compatible with MacOS or Windows } NT. (Linux support?  Heh, that's a good one!) } } NOTE: The E-Sandwich is not intended for sale to minors or consumer } activists. } } Do not taunt MicroDeli E-Sandwich.