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Internet Oracularities #1162

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1162, 1162-01, 1162-02, 1162-03, 1162-04, 1162-05, 1162-06, 1162-07, 1162-08, 1162-09, 1162-10


Internet Oracularities #1162    (80 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2000 21:30:32 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1162
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1162  80 votes 5rve3 2nze6 enng4 dlpi3 cbks9 6hyg7 dipi6 3lsk8 9hikg 68ftm
1162  3.0 mean  2.8   3.0   2.7   2.7   3.1   3.0   2.8   3.1   3.2   3.7


1162-01    (5rve3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> There is a problem in our database.  Even though all data is
> not missing there are data items that are missing from the
> database.  I cannot find any commonality among the data
> so I suspect that it is a problem in the database itself.
>
> Where shall I look first to find missing data other than
> the user(s).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'm not sure about your missing records, but all mine turned up
} at my ex-girlfriend's place.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rim-shot and a complete set of "Kool and The Gang"
} eight-tracks.


1162-02    (2nze6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where am I???
>
> What's going on??
>
> HELP!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Those four walls are a cubicle.  You have to actually write
} programs now as opposed to web surfing for 8 semesters and writing your
} thesis on "The Diversity of the Internet"  Graduating's a bitch isn't
} it?
}
} You are the Oracle a coffee break.


1162-03    (enng4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "'Tis some script kidd3z," I muttered,
> "Tapping at my server port-
> Only this, and nothing more."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quoth the Oracle, "dumping core."


1162-04    (dlpi3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of the terrifying and stalwart mentality,
>
> Is it wrong to engage in sex before the ceremony?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's traditional for the best man to give the bride a present before
} the service.
}
} You owe the Oracle a best man position at the wedding of Michael
} Douglas and Katherine Zeta Jones.


1162-05    (cbks9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Three queues for Injoke-Kings under spam
>    Seven for the Tellme-Lords in their halls of questions,
> Nine for Queue Drainers doomed to banning
>    One for the Dark Priest with his dark account
> In the land of Indiana, where IUVAX lies.
>    One queue to rule them all, One queue to bind them
>    One queue to bring them all and in the digests bind them
> In the land of Indiana where IUVAX lies.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This reminds me of something that happened to Zadoc yesterday when he
} was running an errand for me in the swamp (I didn't actually need
} anything that urgently; I just like making Zadoc slog through the
} swamp).  He got lost, you see, and an ugly little greenish guy came up
} to him...
}
} UGLY GREEN GUY:  What has the Zadocitses got in its pocketses?
}
} ZADOC:  Hey, you know my name...sort of.
}
} UGLY GREEN GUY:  I know many things.
}
} ZADOC:  Do you know the way to San Jose?
}
} UGLY GREEN GUY:  Are you trying to be funny?
}
} ZADOC:  No, I've got to buy the Oracle a souvenir snow globe from San
} Jose.
}
} UGLY GREEN GUY:  Oh, well, yes, I do know how to get there, but I'll
} tell you what...I'll only tell you if I can't guess what's in your
} pocketses.
}
} ZADOC:  That makes no sense.
}
} UGLY GREEN GUY:  Shut up.
}
} ZADOC:  All right, whatever.  What's your name, anyway?  I bet it's
} getting tiresome having to type "Ugly Green Guy" over and over again.
}
} UGLY GREEN GUY:  Ctrl-V would fix that.
}
} ZADOC:  Whatever.  Just guess.
}
} UGLY GREEN GUY:  You have to give me a clue first.  And not a stupid
} clue. Give me a stupid clue and I'll give you such a pinch.
}
} ZADOC:  Okay...um...it's small...
}
} UGLY GREEN GUY:  Of course it's small, it fits in your pocketses, you
} idiotses.
}
} ZADOC:  ...and it's metal...and it's got a hole in it...
}
} UGLY GREEN GUY:  You suck at this, let me tell you.  You know these
} riddles are supposed to rhyme, right?
}
} ZADOC:  Oh, no, I didn't.  Um...it's not quite sharp as a
} nettle...and...hey, you've stolen it!
}
} UGLY GREEN GUY:  Yes, I have, so that should make it pretty easy to
} guess.
}
} ZADOC:  Give it back!  Why did you do that?
}
} UGLY GREEN GUY:  I was just trying to help you finish the rhyme because
} you're such a loser.  Anyway, hmm, what could it be?  Looks like a key.
}  I'm going to guess "key".
}
} ZADOC:  Damn, you're good.
}
} UGLY GREEN GUY:  Well, here's your key.  You lose.
}
} ZADOC:  So I'm basically in the same boat I was in before I met you.
}
} UGLY GREEN GUY:  I guess so.
}
} ZADOC:  So this whole exchange was entirely pointless.
}
} UGLY GREEN GUY:  Kind of.
}
} ZADOC:  And you probably don't actually know the way to San Jose, do
} you?
}
} UGLY GREEN GUY:  No.
}
} ZADOC:  Yeesh.  I hope the next guy to come through here gives you what
} for.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ring.  How come you never call?


1162-06    (6hyg7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Isn't it hot in here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should have thought about that before you sold you soul
} for those tickets to the last Rolling Stones tour.
}
} You owe the Oracle some sympathy.


1162-07    (dipi6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All right!  Hands up!  This is the police!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hans Upp, winner of the 'Meet Sting and his Band' Contest was
} the happiest little Dutch boy since one of his fore-fathers
} spent the night with his finger in a dyke.
}
} Ewe Oh the Oracle a cherry float inn the Homophone Pride Parade.


1162-08    (3lsk8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most knowledgeable one,
> -
> For the past ten years my parents have been
> giggling maddly about the number forty-two, and
> soon being able to to pay off their debt.
> -
> Yesterday while hiding in the attic, I found a
> brand new steamer trunk, a Japanese school uniform
> in my size, a shipping lable with the adress
> filled out to a colledge in Indiana, and a shipping invoice
> made out to one T. I. Oracle, contents: one (1)
> first born daughter age 16.
> -
> I have two questions,
> 1. Will you be gentle?
> 2. Could you ZOT my parents after delivery?
> ---
> Please ignore the folowing, as they are added by people with the
> morals of a MicroSoft(tm) marketer...
>
> Send FREE April Fool's Greetings to your friends!
> http://www.whowhere.lycos.com/redirects/American_Greetings.rdct

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Humble Supplicant!
}
} You have been honored above all young ladies.  You have
} been chosen to serve the Oracle as Handmaiden to the
} Ineffable.  Your duties will include:
}
}   *  Midnight donut runs -- wisdom is fueled by chocolate glaze,
}          y'know.
}   *  Routine maintenance of the ZOT-stick
}   *  Occasional service as a back-up capacitor for our uninterrupted
}          power supply system.  You always said you were after power,
}          right?  You will be a mover and shaker in current events.
}          Our current Handmaiden was sent 'ome after an attempted re-
}          volt; while the Oracle has a great capacitance for mercy, it
}          brooks no resistance (which is futile, anyway).
}   *  Midday donut runs -- just because
}   *  Artistic director for the Oracle's in-house Chippendale dancers.
}
} The reason that your parents essentially sold you into white
} slavery is that they, through a slight miscalculation, poured
} their life's savings into an investment of "Kopemon" cards
} and "Meanie Babies".  In order to fuel their jet-set lifestyle
} and stave off their creditors -- mainly husky Italo-American
} gentlemen and mustachios-twirling Frenchmen -- they appealed
} to the Oracle for a small bridge loan.  You, O Handmaiden-to-Be,
} were the collateral.  One may note that they still own their
} house and car and various consumer electronica and question
} their priorities, but what's done is done.
}
} Further note:  You are adopted.  You are really one Joan Kennedy,
} and with the loss of John, the family is desperately searching
} for their Joan-Joan, to succour them through the darkness and
} lead the Family into this bold new century.  Too bad you have a
} different destiny laid out for you.
}
} One last note:  Don't worry about the Oracle taking action
} against your parents.  They have to deal with Lenny
} "The Ox" Tattaglia, Guiseppi "The Wolverine" Fiori, and
} Guido "The Duck" Cuacklione, and have quite enough on
} their plate already.
}
} You owe the Oracle fourteen (14) years of servitude, and
} a big nose-honk to your irresponsible parents.


1162-09    (9hikg dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> If the incomparable blind bard Homer were with us
> today, would he succumb to corporate pressure and
> sing of Odysseus sailing across the Coke-dark sea
> in his Funship to reach the Miller Lite Walls of Troy?
>
> I weep, awaiting your sagacious reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <The Odyssey, a Television Treatment by Homer>
}
} Plot Outlines, 16 key episodes, spanning 2 seasons. Intermediate
} Episodes to be written by union script writers.
}
} Key Episode 1: The great god Zeus (John Goodman?) calls a council of
} the gods and demands that Calypso send Odysseus go home. Telemachus is
} ordered to call an assembly meeting then travel to Sparta. Film on
} location in New Zealand. Odysseus hangs out with Xena. Cameo by Kevin
} Sorbo?
}
} Key Episode 2: Telemachus tells the suitors that they will have to pay
} rent and restitutional expenses and pain and suffering. Hires Gavin
} McCleod to captain his boat, the "Pepsi Princess" to look for Odysseus.
}
} Key Episode 3: Telemachus travels through time and brings Buffy and
} Angel back to the past where they battle the evil vampires at Pylos.
} Evil vampire Nestor killed in one-on-one with Angel. Peisistratus is
} cured of his vampirism by his love for Buffy and comes with Telemachus.
}
} Key Episode 4: Suitors contact Tony Soprano to kill Telemachus. King
} Menelaus (David Hasselhoff?) tells Telemachus that Odysseus is held
} prisoner on the island of Calypso.
}
} Key Episode 5: Paul Schaeffer reprises his "Hercules" role as Hermes
} and plays a groovy beach tune while Odysseus and some beach babes
} party. Calypso gives Odysseus a supply of GatorAde to take on the
} voyage with him. Odysseus recalls his battle and how he came to meet
} Calypso.
}
} Key Episode 6: Battle scene. Odysseus sails and meets Nausicaa.
} Nausicaa and Odysseus party down. Evan Dando appears as Demodocus and
} sings the new Lemonheads song.
}
} Key Episode 7: Odysseus meets Lotus Eaters. Guest appearance by the
} Back Street Boys. Odysseus meets the Cyclops and helps him out by
} giving him a uni-lense spectacle made by Lenscrafters. Cyclops lets
} Odysseus and his crew go for being so cool.
}
} Key Episode 8: Odysseus meets Aeolus, who gives Odyesseus a ride in his
} new Windjammer. Odysseus runs into the Laestrygonians, promo spot for
} KC Masterpiece BBQ sauce. Circe (Heather LockLear) turns the crew into
} pigs. The crew are saved when Hermes gives Odysseus a pack of Trojan's
} Extra Sensitive condoms and he impresses Circe with his love-making
} abilities and his wisdom in being safe about sexually transmitted
} diseases.
}
} Key Episode 9: Odysseus meets the Sirens (guest stars Destiny's Child).
} Odysseus and crew party with the Sirens. The crew decide to stay with
} the Sirens. Odysseus drinks a Red Bull and tries to swim back to Troy.
}
} Key Episode 10: The Phaeacians give Odysseus a ship and clothes from
} the Gap. Odysseus arrives at Ithaca and is disguised by Athena
} (Florence Henderson) as beggar. Odysseus reveals his identity to
} Telemachus, but not Penelope or Laertes. Telemachus and Odysseus return
} to Odysseus' house.
}
} Key Episode 11: Telemachus returns to his mother and the soothsayer
} Theoclymenus tells her that Odysseus is disguised on the island.
} Odysseus sees Argus the hound, whom he gives Beggin' Strips.
}
} Key Episode 12: Irus (Lennox Lewis), a beggar, arrives at Odysseus'
} house and bullies him. Antinous and the suitors arrange a boxing match
} between the two. Odysseus refuses to fight so that they can settle
} their argument peaceably.
}
} Key Episode 13: Penelope announces that she will choose a suitor who
} can string Odysseus' bow and shoot an arrow through twelve axe handles.
} James Hettfield and Ted Nugent guest star.
}
} Key Episode 14: Odysseus wins the contest. The suitors are forced to
} guest star on the Tom Green show where they are pelted with sheep
} feces.
}
} Key Episode 15:  Penelope and Odysseus are reunited. Penelope asks
} where the hell he's been all these years and who this Circe bitch is.
}
} Key Episode 16: Odysseus and Penelope move into a house in Brooklyn
} across the street from their in-laws where they have many hilarious
} sit-com adventures.
}
} You owe me a television treatment for The Illiad.


1162-10    (68ftm dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose magnitude of talent, intelligence and beauty is
> so great that it renders such words meaningless, please tell me:
>
> What happens if I plug in the ham sandwich?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                     OWNER'S MANUAL FOR E-SANDWICH
}                     -----------------------------
}
} Congratulations!  You are now the proud owner of a MicroDeli WinPro
} Digital Millennium Monster Internet Road Warrior CyberPocket E-Sandwich
} 3D-Plus.  The E-Sandwich represents the latest technology in portable,
} net-enabled virtual food.  Now you'll be able to enjoy the great taste
} of a ham sandwich where ever you go -- without the mess, hassle,
} calories, economy and nutrients of traditional food products. Talk
} about conspicuous consumption!
}
}                          INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE
}                          --------------------
}
} 1. Insert rechargeable battery pack.
} 2. Plug E-Sandwich into power receptacle.
} 3. Charge for twelve hours.
} 4. Unplug E-Sandwich.
} 5. Position selector switch on "White" or "Whole Wheat"
} 6. Turn on.  Allow 2 to 3 minutes for E-Sandwich to boot.
} 6. Place E-Sandwich in mouth -- Mmmmm!  The great taste of virtual ham!
} 7. Recharge for twelve hours after every ten minutes of use.
}
}                         ACCESORIES
}                         ----------
} Order one of these fine E-Sandwich accessories to enhance your
} simulated dining experience:
}
} Additional battery-pack ($199) - weighs only five pounds.
}
} Faux Leather Sandwich Bag ($29.95)
}
} Swiss Cheese expansion module ($499) - Through the miracle of modern
} technology, enjoy the great taste of ham AND cheese AT THE SAME TIME!
}
} Internet Expansion Pack ($699) -  Allows you read e-mail and surf the
} web while enjoying virtual pork!  Requires laptop computer and modem
} (not included).
}
}                              WARNING
}                              -------
}
} ALWAYS UNPLUG E-SANDWICH BEFORE USE.  In clinical trials, many subjects
} reported adverse effects upon use of the E-sandwich while still
} plugged-in, including: third degree tongue burns(22%), singed
} hair(18%), loss of bladder control(13%), grand mal seizure(8%), "pretty
} colors"(5%), and "tastes like chicken"(4%).  The remaining subjects
} were unavailable for comment, pending autopsy.
}
} COMPATIBILITY: The E-Sandwich is not compatible with MacOS or Windows
} NT. (Linux support?  Heh, that's a good one!)
}
} NOTE: The E-Sandwich is not intended for sale to minors or consumer
} activists.
}
} Do not taunt MicroDeli E-Sandwich.


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