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Internet Oracularities #1163

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1163, 1163-01, 1163-02, 1163-03, 1163-04, 1163-05, 1163-06, 1163-07, 1163-08, 1163-09, 1163-10


Internet Oracularities #1163    (74 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 3 May 2000 15:51:11 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1163
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1163  74 votes jlmb1 bpnc3 7enn7 7qnd5 7jqd9 24lzc gno74 9fok6 9hng9 cno87
1163  2.9 mean  2.4   2.6   3.1   2.8   3.0   3.7   2.5   3.0   3.0   2.7


1163-01    (jlmb1 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Slash is the dot, is the slash, is the dot...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need a ring or other item of see invisible.  Then you won't have to
} slash randomly at the dots marking the floor.
}
} You owe the oracle a spot on the nethack developers team.


1163-02    (bpnc3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Drop the bucket!" she shrieked.
>
> "No sir, I won't sir."  Before Mr. Macabra could say another word I
> lept oh-so-nimbly over the buffet which seperated us. "Now, where are
> your pretty words now?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Pretty words? The time for words is past.."
} "Eat turkey!!" he roared, hurling a huge hunk of meat at my head.
}
} The fowl flew past my ears, lightly seasoning them, but at least I had
} kept the precious bucket balanced.
} Leaping onto the hors d' oeuvres , I tossed my readied eggplants where I
} knew they would be nasty.
}
} "Arrgh. Hkkk!!" He choked, and collapsed, eyes bulging, to the ballroom
} floor.
}
} The waiter, whose arm was supporting the tray on which was balanced a
} mess of crumpled hors d' oeuvres and  myself, started to wobble.
} Before I knew it I was thrown to the floor and completely failed to miss
} it.
}
} When I came to, she stood alluringly over me. Holding the bucket
} carelessly in her slender hand, she breathed,
} "You throw a mean aubergine."
} "Would you expect otherwise, sir?" I grinned.
} "Don't call me sir. You know, I didn't think you'd make it without
} dropping the bucket."
}
} As I brushed shrimp and biscuits of my suit, I realised how close it
} had been. One false move and we all would have had it. Most would
} have preferred to drop the bucket and beat a hasty retreat. Not I.
} As an agent I'd balanced harder things on my noggin, and not made
} of plastic either. I nibbled absently on a cucumber and regarded my
} superior officer confidently.  "I've got a flat head."
}
} Z.
} You owe the Oracle a decent plot of intrigue and the question to life,
} the universe, and everything.


1163-03    (7enn7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Brilliant but mentally disturbed physicist Nicholi Tesla?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Brilliant but mentally disturbed physicist Nicholi Tesla was played by
} Petar Bozovic in "The Secret Life of Nikola Tesla" which also starred
} Orson Welles.  Who was in "Catch 22" with Bob Newhart.  Who was in "In
} & Out" with Matt Dillon.  Who was in "Wild Things" with
} KEVIN BACON.  Ha! Did it in four!
}
} Your turn.   Oracle priest Tim Chew...


1163-04    (7qnd5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I can't seem to loose enough weight, I lift and lift and diet and diet.
> Alas nothing helps. Can you tell what you see in my future? Will I be
> happy? Skinny? Built like a Mack truck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do not normally tell fortunes, but just this once...
}
} Here, give me your hand.
}
} Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
}
} Yes.  I see; very in-teresting...
}
} Huh?  No, actually; I was trying to memorize your fingerprints.  Did
} you know that if you convert them into hexadecimal co-ordinates, and
} then--
}
} Oh, all right.  No, no, I don't think this is going to work very well
} at all.  Do you see this line here and this line here?  They don't
} meet!
}  Well, it's not bad, exactly, it's just inconvenient.  You're not
} compatible with most fortune tellers, is all, and I could end up giving
} you an improper reading.  That could really mess with your head.
}
} Here's some Tarot cards ... oh, no, wait, that's right, I'm missing a
} good fourth of the deck.  Well, some of the deities and I were playing
} Go Fish the other night, and, well, we got into a bit of an argument,
} and so now a lot of those cards _are_ fish, and -- it's just a long
} story.
}
} Tea leaves?  Sure, I think I have some ... no, no I don't.  We were
} drinking tea during the game, and I used the last fresh tea leaf I had
} to make a new pot after the pitched battle.  Nothing like discussing
} problems over a cup piping hot tea!
}
} Astrology?  Yeah, I guess, though I don't really go into all that
} stuff.  Kind of vague, really, but I guess I could give it a shot.
} What sign are you?
}
} Oh no, really?  Get away, get away!  Don't you know?  Our two signs
} aren't supposed to _talk_, much less have an actual conversation!  Go
} away, quick, or both our lives will be doomed!  Doomed!
}
} You owe the Oracle a less superstitious incarnation.


1163-05    (7jqd9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and might Oracle, who carries more in pocket change than most
> mortals will earn in their lives, please tell me...
>
> You know how when you put on a coat after the summer or get out a pair
> of shorts after the winter and you put 'em on and you invariably find
> something you either forgot or never even knew you had lurking in the
> pocket? Well, I was just wondering, what's the strangest thing you ever
> found in your pocket?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there was that kitten I was looking after for Dr. Schrodenger...


1163-06    (24lzc dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You have: K K
>
> The dealer is showing: A
>
> You have a count of +8
>
> There are 283 cards remaining.
>
> Hit, stay, double, or split?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stay
}
} > You stay with: K K
} >
} > Dealer hits
} >
} > Dealer is now showing A 3
} >
} > It's a good thing you stayed!
} >
} > Hit, stay, double, or split?
}
} Stay
}
} > You have: K K
} >
} > The dealer is showing: A 3
} >
} > Dealer hits
} >
} > Dealer is now showing: A 3 A
}
} Laugh
}
} > You laugh in the Dealer's face as you take your chips.
} >
} > The Dealer has pulled a gun.
}
} Duck
}
} > You duck as the Dealer fires.  You feel a burning pain run along the
} top of your shoulder, but you'll live.
}
} Inventory
}
} > You are carrying:
} >         $500
} >         $1,000,000 in chips
} >         $0.34 in change
} >         a wallet
} >         a gun
} >         two clips of ammunition
} >         a clean pair of underwear
}
} Use gun
}
} > You go up to take a shot at the Dealer.  You hear a <click>, and the
} Dealer raises his gun in your direction.
}
} Duck
}
} > You duck just as a bullet grazes the table.  A man behind you dies,
} and you nearly wet yourself.
}
} Load gun
}
} > You're so nervous it takes a while for you to put the clip in place.
} The Dealer comes around the table, waving the gun wildly.
}
} Use gun
}
} > Hold on, I'm not ready yet.
} >
} > The Dealer sees you cowering under the table and raises the gun
} again.
}
} Use gun
}
} > You fire, hitting the Dealer in the leg.  He goes down, firing random
} shots.
}
} Roll away
}
} > A bullet scratches your cheek as you roll away from the wounded man,
} but you'll live.
}
} Use gun
}
} > What are you, some kind of animal?  He's down for the count, let's
} get out of here!
}
} Leave
}
} > Don't forget to cash your chips!
}
} You owe the Oracle some new casino software.  This one's a bit too
} realistic for my taste.


1163-07    (gno74 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Larry: Tonight, on Larry King Live, we're talking about H.P.
> Lovecraft's latest book, "People I Admire". Joining us this evening are
> the Internet Oracle,
>
> [Cut to a figure in flowing white robes]
>
> Oracle: Glad to be here, Larry.
>
> Larry: Vlad Tempes,
>
> [Cut to an odd looking Hungarian man, dressed as if this were still the
> 15th century]
>
> Vlad: [Unintelligible Hungarian]
>
> Larry: by satellite, Duke Nukem,
>
> [Cut to an over-muscular man smoking a rather large cigar. Judging by
> the background, it is fairly clear that Duke is *on* a satellite, not
> just transmitting via one.]
>
> Duke: Who loves ya, baby?
>
> Larry: And, of course, in Boston, H.P. Lovecraft.
>
> [Cut to a rather stark looking man, dressed rather oddly.]
>
> Lovecraft: [Unintelligible], and glad to be here.
> ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Larry: But first a word from our sponsor...
}
} [ A shiny white truck pulls up to a suburban home. A housewife
}   in a terry clothe robe is in the front yard. On the side
}   of the truck it says, Queue-O-Rooter.]
}
} Lady: I thought you'd never get here! My queue is clogged
}       with boring constantly resubmitted cowbird questions!
}
} Dude: Let's see what ya got.
}
} [ Dude goes into the home. They go to a smoldering computer
}   that is bulging at the seams in comic book fashion. ]
}
} Dude: Wow, lady, that's one clogged queue.
}
} [ He reaches in and pulls out a cowbird question. ]
}
} > Hi, Orrie, it me, Arthur Supplicant-
} >
} > (Look, how many times must I tell you, I didn't order that, so I'm
} > not accepting delivery.)
} >
} > Look, I'll be brief, there's some guys at my door, saying I ordered
} > 200 unsorted marmots and 3000 pounds of wood. I did not order any of
} > this stuff, and they say it's COD, so I'm not exactly eager to
} > accept them.
} >
} > (*Go Away*! Stop bothering me!)
} >
} > They're on my doorstop now, and I can't get rid of them. Orrie,
} > how do I get out of this mess?
}
} Dude: If I had a dollar for each time I've seen this one! Let me
}       tell ya!
}
} > ORACLE, MOST RIGHTEOUS! WHO CAN TAKE OUT WIMPY BANDS
} > LIKE POISON IN HIS [censored] SLEEP!
} >
} > THEY SAY LISTENING TO THIS MUSIC "DAMAGES MY [censored]
} > EARS"! WELL, THEY'RE WRONG, RIGHT, ORRIE, MY [censored] MAN!
}
} Dude: And this thing! Common as dirt and just as funny too.
}
} > Oh Oracle most wise,
} >
} >  Why do hot dog buns come in packages of eight and hot dogs
} >  in packages of ten?
}
} Dude: That's yer standard garden variety Steve Wright joke.
}
} > Jerak, tonor, Erlaugh Oracle eraset eruset seraset erasot.
} >
} > Urasue Torvalds raedle taudle falaks terosope Microsoft mesetope
} > dasedlao erd jarak erapoe maole CD-ROM deqase Windows asertoa
} > cathared Linux moerte aselme edaoed?
}
} Dude: Yechh, and this thing. It's been around since the days
}       of the great crossover question plagues. It mutates a
}       bit, but it always gots that Linux CD reference in it.
}
} [ Later... the computer is all back to normal ]
}
} Dude: There ya go!
}
} Lady: Thank you Queue-O-Rooter!
}
} SINGING FEMALE VOICES: Call Queue-O-Rooter, don't go insane,
}                        Away go cowbirds, Down with those banes!
}
} MALE VOICE OVER: Call now, operators are standing by!


1163-08    (9fok6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [8][0][0][o]
> [0][@][0][0]
> [0][0][o][8]
> [@][ ][0][0]
> [8][o][@][0]
> [0][0][0][0]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HOI, ZADOC!
}
} I came running.  Don't I always?  And yet you wouldn't know it, the way
} my master calls out in that deafening voice you can hear clear across
} the temple as clearly as if he had screamed in your ear -- a pleasure I
} have had many a time.  I could only hope this wasn't about ...
}
} But there was no time for wishes and dreams; my hierarch had called.  I
} burst open the doors of the Throne Room, adjusting in mid-jump so that
} I may land upon my knees in his presence at all times.  Calling upon
} years of dedicated service, not to mention the memory of a few broken
} bones, I was able to skip across the tiles much as a stone on the
} surface of a calm lake, and skid to a stop just before I reached the
} Great One's feet.
}
} "Yes, most Honorably Sagacious One," I intoned as I bowed low before
} him; a difficult trick when you're already on both knees, but, again,
} practice.
}
} "Zadoc, what is THIS?" he boomed, and I could tell it was time for
} testing once again.  I never knew when or where, but I have learned to
} dread these moments, for--
}
} "Zadoc, stop your sniveling little narration and tell me what you
} see!"
}
} "A ... a box of chocolates, my most Cocoa-Loving One."  I knew this was
} not enough, so I added, "A full one, from the looks of it."
}
} "Was it delivered by the same supplicant as the empty boxes?"
}
} "I would hardly assume to know such things, oh Infinite-in-Knowledge;
} surely you could tell far better than I."  Just to be on the safe side,
} I dared to slip in, "Is this not what you had asked for--"
}
} I never got to finish my sentence, for before I knew it, I had
} chocolate in my mouth.  Oh, the taste!  The ecstasy!  The delight!
} Never have I known its equal!  For all my years of service, I had dined
} on nothing more than mere table scraps from my master's luxurious
} dinners with Lisa, or, more often, nothing at all.  But this!  This was
} almost too much!
}
} Too much.  Too much chocolate - - into my mouth was soon stuffed every
} single piece.  Almonds, pecans, caramel, and a hundred other flavors
} assaulted me, leaped out of the box and made its way into my mouth.  I
} attempted to chew, tried to swallow, but I was making very little
} progress.  I could feel my teeth begin to rot away.  I gave my Master a
} questioning glance.
}
} "Do you remember," grimaced the Oracle, "my instructions to the
} supplicant the last time an empty box was delivered here?"  I could
} only nod, my cheeks puffed.  "I had asked that they leave me alone.
} Apparently someone is trying to get on my good graces.  By bribing me.
} To prevent ... a zotting."
}
} Without thinking, I attempted to gasp, but had completely forgotten
} about the chocolate and began to choke.  Black and brown goo began to
} ooze out of my mouth, and soon I had to release it all upon the tile.
} As I was hacking and trying to get a good breath of air, my
} ever-complacent master was still ruminating: "I do not like being
} bribed, Zadoc, especially in low-form currency like chocolate.  A good
} gift, but too little too late.  If this supplicant comes back ... you
} know what to do."
}
} I managed a feeble nod, and motioned for one of the guards to clean up
} the mess while two more helped me out the door.
}
} In other words, supplicant, I don't _have_ to tell the Oracle you've
} been here.  It can just be our little secret.
}
} In return, though, you owe me some more of that delicious chocolate.


1163-09    (9hng9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise, who has better spies the Harry Knowles...
>
> What's your opinion of the script for the proposed "Indiana Jones and
> the Call of Cthulu" movie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In a word, unfortunate.  The damn thing will never see production in
} its current form, as it interferes with the established Indiana Jones
} chronology.  Have a look at the opening "teaser" sequence, which was
} meant to run before the main title:
}
} EXT. ISLAND, DAY--
} Paramount logo FADES into a view of a rocky peak. The sky is gray, full
} of scudding clouds. Camera PANS DOWN to reveal an island coastline,
} beaten by waves.
}
} TITLE:
}      MAINE, 1921
}
} An old, beat-up FISHING BOAT pulls into view. CUT to--
}
} EXT. DOCK, DAY--
} A very dilapidated dock.  Boards, cleats etc. are in disrepair, but
} more from age and neglect than from wear (not many people want to put
} in here). The FISHING BOAT pulls up close to the dock but does not tie
} up. Nobody is around, and nobody is seen on the boat.
}
} A well-worn PACK is tossed from the boat to the dock. A moment later, a
} young man (INDY, in his early 20's) leaps after it.  He NEARLY LOSES
} HIS BALANCE on the dock, as the BOAT BEGINS PULLING AWAY almost before
} he has left it.
}
} INDY:
} Hey!
}
} INDY'S POV--
} The BOAT is receding in the distance.
}
} INDY:
} Great. Left before I could
} arrange for a pickup. Now how
} am I gonna leave when I'm done?
}
} CUT to--
}
} INT. KITCHEN, NIGHT (OPENING CREDITS UNDER)--
} INDY is eating supper (a thin, fishy stew of some sort) in the kitchen
} of a local cottage, with a shriveled elderly FISHERMAN and his WIFE.
} The only light comes from the cast-iron stove and a single kerosene
} lantern. Spooky shadows dance on the walls. The LOCALS cast an
} occasional suspicious glance at INDY but otherwise ignore him and each
} other.
}
} INDY:
} I'm grateful for your hospitality,
} of course. I hope the terms are
} acceptable--I'm willing to pay up
} front, if you'd like.
}
} The FISHERMAN grunts--or maybe he's just reacting to a bit of gristle
} in the stew. The silence drags.
}
} INDY:
} (uncomfortable with the long silence)
} Er...I'm a grad student in archaeology.
} I'm doing a research project on the old
} native statues; that's why I wanted to
} stay here.
}
} The LOCALS suddenly both stare at him sharply.  The WIFE rises and
} EXITS immediately.
}
} INDY:
} I've only seen fragments of the
} statues, of course.  I reckoned
} I might uncover some more complete
} pieces if I actually came to the
} island.
}
} FISHERMAN:
} Eyah. I reckon you might, at that.
}
} OFF FISHERMAN'S EXPRESSION--
} CUT TO--
}
} INT. BEDROOM, NIGHT
} INDY is in a bed that's a bit too small for him, getting readdy for
} sleep. He leafs through his JOURNAL, filled with SKETCHES of the
} fragmentary statues.  Then he PUTS the journal under his pillow, BLOWS
} OUT a kerosene lamp and settles in.
}
} A NOISE of stone moving against stone (SFX) is briefly, softly heard.
}
} INDY reacts, sits up in bed.  Except for jacket and hat, he is almost
} FULLY DRESSED.
}
} The NOISE is repeated. INDY gets out of bed.  CUT TO--
}
} EXT. COTTAGE, NIGHT
} INDY, dressed as in last scene (boots on, but untied) and carrying the
} re-lit lantern, is sneaking around the cottage in search of the noise.
}
} INDY'S POV--
} A faint, yellow LIGHT is coming from the ROOT CELLAR.  Indy ENTERS to
} investigate.
}
} INT. ROOT CELLAR, NIGHT
} A normal root cellar, small, cramped, full of stuff.  But yellow LIGHT
} is shining from a floor-level CRACK in the back wall.
}
} INDY feels along the back wall, pries at the crack, etc. At last he
} MOVES A JAR on a shelf.  The BACK WALL SWINGS away and up (same SFX,
} but louder now) to reveal a stone PASSAGEWAY lit by the eerie yellow
} LIGHT.
}
} INT. PASSAGEWAY, NIGHT (jumping occasionally to INDY'S POV)
} Indy steps into the passageway, and the WALL SWINGS back into place
} (SFX). He PROCEEDS down the sloping passageway, encountering several
} man-size STATUES of similar design to his journal sketches.  After a
} while, a sound of many voices CHANTING is heard, and gradually the
} words (such as they are) become distinguishable, if not intelligible.
}
} CHANT:
} Ia! Ia Nyarlathotep! [etc.]
}
} INDY rounds a bend in the passageway, and comes upon a CAVERN.
}
} INT. CAVERN, NIGHT (INDY'S POV)
} The CHANTING is very loud indeed now. A quick glimpse of about a dozen
} LOCALS, naked and draped in seaweed, is suddenly obscured by a large,
} shapeless MASS which LOOMS up over Indy.
}
} OFF INDY'S REACTION--
}
} The MASS POUNCES (oozes? collapses?) over INDY before he's halfway
} turned to run.
}
} Quick FADE TO BLACK, ROLL MAIN TITLE
}
} The remainder of the film mainly consists of an eldritch, undead Indy
} shambling around trying to bring about the end of humanity's dominion
} on earth.  The marketing and licensing wonks at Paramount threw a fit.
} The script is currently in extensive rewrite, and there's no chance of
} it going into production before November 2001.  With luck, it might be
} ready for release in summer 2003, but the smart money says it'll be
} held up until 2004 at least.
}
} You owe the Oracle a DVD of "The Thin Man Meets the Terminator".


1163-10    (cno87 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most indirect and free-and-easy, ye who can read
> between the lines of TV news broadcasts and proclamations
> from The Queen Mother with equal ease,
>
> What can the world learn from the Elian Gonzalez debacle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TOP TEN THINGS WE LEARNED FROM THAT WHOLE ELIAN GONZALEZ MESS
}
} 10. Full, unkempt beards and khakis went out of style in the seventies.
}
}  9. Elian spelled backwards in Naile.
}
}  8. They obviously have an alternate Disney World that they keep nearby
} for foreign dignitaries and Cuban refugees cause that ain't the Disney
} World I went to, Chester.
}
}  7. Dolphins are our friends--that is, when they're not our tuna fish.
}
}  6. A million dollars to sleep with Marisleysis? How about fifty bucks
} and a carton of Marlboro's.
}
}  5. Strange disappearence of Elian eventually attributed to Monica
} Lewinsky going off her diet.
}
}  4. Actually on a secret mission to lure Braves pitcher John Rocker to
} his Havana Cigars Little League team.
}
}  3. Those guys that did that episode of South Park in four days? They
} rock!
}
}  2. Fisherman who rescued Elian new host of Bassmasters next season.
}
}  1. Britney Spears has named her left breast after Elian; right breast
} advertising rates to be determined during May sweeps.
}
} You owe the Oracle the top ten things we learned from this top ten
} list.


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