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} XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS
}
} "GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST"
}
} BEGIN TEASER
}
} FADE IN:
}
} EXT - A PATH THROUGH THE FOREST - DAY
}
} [Xena and Gabrielle come into view, following the path. Xena is leading
} Argo, as usual. Gabrielle is reading from a scroll.]
}
} GABRIELLE
} "...Reader, I married him. The end." [she rolls up the scroll] What do
} you think? Good, huh?
}
} XENA
} Needs work.
}
} GABRIELLE
} Ooh! You always say that!
}
} [Xena stops suddenly and holds up her hand.]
}
} XENA
} Shush!
}
} GABRIELLE
} It's my best epic yet. What's wrong with it then?
}
} XENA
} [listening intently] Ambush. Ten - no, twelve soldiers.
}
} GABRIELLE
} Don't change the subject.
}
} [With a roar, twelve soldiers leap out from the trees and bar their
} way. Their Leader advances on Xena, sword drawn.]
}
} LEADER
} We hear you're planning to tangle with our warlord, Xena.
}
} XENA
} You've got sharp ears.
}
} GABRIELLE
} Butt out, goons! We're having a literary discussion here! [to Xena] I
} asked, what's wrong with it?
}
} [With a war cry, the soldiers attack. Usual mayhem ensues. While
} clobbering the soldiers, Xena and Gabrielle continue arguing.]
}
} XENA
} I didn't say there was anything wrong with it... [she knocks a soldier
} head over heels] I just think it's a bit... [high kick flattening a
} soldier with each foot] A bit derivative, that's all.
}
} GABRIELLE
} Derivative! [she deals a soldier a blow to the head with her staff] My
} work? Derivative? [five more blows to the same soldier, who collapses]
} How can you say such a thing!
}
} XENA
} Well, it sounds rather like... [backwards kick to hit a soldier coming
} up behind her in the crotch] Like that friend of yours, Homer.
}
} GABRIELLE
} Of course it does! [sweeps the legs out from under a soldier and kicks
} him as he falls to the ground] Homer learnt everything he knows about
} epic composition from me!
}
} XENA
} Why do you always ask me for my opinion if you don't... [with a shriek,
} she leaps into the air, somersaults over a charging soldier and gives
} him three kicks before landing on her feet behind him and sending him
} flying with an uppercut] If you don't want to hear it?
}
} GABRIELLE
} Have you ever heard of a little thing called tact? Or diplomacy? Now if
} you'd only said...
}
} [She advances furiously on the last standing soldier, staff held above
} her head to strike him.]
}
} SOLDIER
} I liked it.
}
} GABRIELLE
} [hesitating] Really?
}
} SOLDIER
} I only heard the end as we were lurking in the undergrowth, but I
} thought it was really... gripping. Like a Jeffrey Sagittarius novel.
}
} GABRIELLE
} You're not just saying that?
}
} SOLDIER
} Could you give me an autographed copy?
}
} [Xena comes up behind the soldier and gives him the death pinch. He
} starts choking.]
}
} XENA
} Crawler.
}
} GABRIELLE
} Hey! You cut off the supply of oxygen to his brain while he was telling
} me how good my story was!
}
} XENA
} I want information.
}
} GABRIELLE
} So do I! [to Soldier] What did you especially like about it?
}
} SOLDIER
} Do - you - mind - if I answer - her questions [indicating Xena] -
} first?
}
} XENA
} Who's your warlord?
}
} SOLDIER
} Pokemos.
}
} XENA
} Why does he think I'm after him?
}
} SOLDIER
} [beginning to turn blue] He has a lead - on the whereabouts of - of the
} chest of Eurypylus. He thinks you'll try - to stop him.
}
} XENA
} Pokemos! What's the matter with that man? Why is he always trying to
} get his hands on these mythical treasures?
}
} SOLDIER
} Gotta - catch - 'em all. If it's not - too much trouble...? [he points
} at his neck]
}
} XENA
} Oh, all right.
}
} [She stabs her fingers into the Soldier's neck again. Released from the
} death pinch, he sinks to the ground, gasping.]
}
} GABRIELLE
} What's this chest of Eurypylus?
}
} XENA
} It contains an image of Dionysus, said to drive men mad if they look
} upon it. Could be a pretty powerful weapon.
}
} GABRIELLE
} So where is it now?
}
} XENA
} The Delphic oracle told Eurypylus to take it to where he saw people
} offering a strange sacrifice. A tribe called the Bobbiti in northern
} Etruria do the strangest sacrifices I know of. Come on, we're going
} there.
}
} [They collect their things. The Soldier sits up, shaking his head.]
}
} GABRIELLE
} Drives men mad, huh? What does it look like?
}
} XENA
} Jar Jar Binks.
}
} [She starts to lead Argo off. Gabrielle helps the Soldier up and leads
} him off, following Xena.]
}
} GABRIELLE
} What would you say were its strong points?
}
} SOLDIER
} Narrative cohesion. Dramatic impact. The way the plot builds skilfully
} up to a shattering denouement...
}
} FADE OUT:
}
} END TEASER
}
} ROLL OPENING CREDITS
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