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Internet Oracularities #1165

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1165, 1165-01, 1165-02, 1165-03, 1165-04, 1165-05, 1165-06, 1165-07, 1165-08, 1165-09, 1165-10


Internet Oracularities #1165    (81 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 21 May 2000 10:22:21 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1165
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1165  81 votes msid0 8wsb2 bchmj 38xra 4ktia cmsc7 5fto8 4imne 2amzc 8ord9
1165  3.0 mean  2.3   2.6   3.3   3.4   3.1   2.8   3.2   3.3   3.6   2.9


1165-01    (msid0 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise, who cannot bring himself to laugh at a stand up
> comic asking "Why are they laughing at me?"
>
> Why do some of your incarnations use emoticons? I find that it breaks
> mimesis, and makes the answer undigestable.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} _|          _|  _|
} _|          _|  _|_|_|      _|_|
} _|    _|    _|  _|    _|  _|    _|
}   _|  _|  _|    _|    _|  _|    _|
}     _|  _|      _|    _|    _|_|
}
}   _|_|_|                                              _|_|
} _|          _|_|_|  _|  _|_|    _|_|      _|_|_|          _|
} _|        _|    _|  _|_|      _|_|_|_|  _|_|          _|_|
} _|        _|    _|  _|        _|            _|_|
}   _|_|_|    _|_|_|  _|          _|_|_|  _|_|_|        _|
}
}           _|
}             _|
}   _|        _|
}             _|
}             _|
}   _|        _|
} _|        _|


1165-02    (8wsb2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Commanding and masterful is the Oracle, he knows more about
> everything than anyone,
>
> How does a static crisis differ from a kinetic crisis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By the potential to create the momentum for an instantaneous change.
}
} You owe the Oracle to include more force in your supplications, to help
} clean up this mass.


1165-03    (bchmj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, please indulge me a minute to quote a bit of
> text, (Pausanias Description of Greece 7.19.6 to be exact;)
>
> When Troy was captured, and the Greeks divided the spoils,
> Eurypylus the son of Euaemon got a chest. In it was an image of
> Dionysus, the work, so they say, of Hephaestus,. . . Eurypylus
> opened the chest, saw the image, and forthwith on seeing it went
> mad. ... Going up to Delphi he inquired of the oracle about his
> illness. They say that the oracle given him was to the effect that
> where he should come across a people offering a strange sacrifice,
> there he was to set down the chest and make his home.
>
> Wow, an image of Dionysus that drives people insane, scary stuff.
> Where is that accursed chest now? What exactly was the image?
> If it is safe to ask...
>
> I thank you and offer you this tripod of silver in tribute for
> having allowed me so much of your time already Noble One.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS
}
} "GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST"
}
} BEGIN TEASER
}
} FADE IN:
}
} EXT - A PATH THROUGH THE FOREST - DAY
}
} [Xena and Gabrielle come into view, following the path. Xena is leading
} Argo, as usual. Gabrielle is reading from a scroll.]
}
} GABRIELLE
} "...Reader, I married him. The end." [she rolls up the scroll] What do
} you think? Good, huh?
}
} XENA
} Needs work.
}
} GABRIELLE
} Ooh! You always say that!
}
} [Xena stops suddenly and holds up her hand.]
}
} XENA
} Shush!
}
} GABRIELLE
} It's my best epic yet. What's wrong with it then?
}
} XENA
} [listening intently] Ambush. Ten - no, twelve soldiers.
}
} GABRIELLE
} Don't change the subject.
}
} [With a roar, twelve soldiers leap out from the trees and bar their
} way. Their Leader advances on Xena, sword drawn.]
}
} LEADER
} We hear you're planning to tangle with our warlord, Xena.
}
} XENA
} You've got sharp ears.
}
} GABRIELLE
} Butt out, goons! We're having a literary discussion here! [to Xena] I
} asked, what's wrong with it?
}
} [With a war cry, the soldiers attack. Usual mayhem ensues. While
} clobbering the soldiers, Xena and Gabrielle continue arguing.]
}
} XENA
} I didn't say there was anything wrong with it... [she knocks a soldier
} head over heels] I just think it's a bit... [high kick flattening a
} soldier with each foot] A bit derivative, that's all.
}
} GABRIELLE
} Derivative! [she deals a soldier a blow to the head with her staff] My
} work? Derivative? [five more blows to the same soldier, who collapses]
} How can you say such a thing!
}
} XENA
} Well, it sounds rather like... [backwards kick to hit a soldier coming
} up behind her in the crotch] Like that friend of yours, Homer.
}
} GABRIELLE
} Of course it does! [sweeps the legs out from under a soldier and kicks
} him as he falls to the ground] Homer learnt everything he knows about
} epic composition from me!
}
} XENA
} Why do you always ask me for my opinion if you don't... [with a shriek,
} she leaps into the air, somersaults over a charging soldier and gives
} him three kicks before landing on her feet behind him and sending him
} flying with an uppercut] If you don't want to hear it?
}
} GABRIELLE
} Have you ever heard of a little thing called tact? Or diplomacy? Now if
} you'd only said...
}
} [She advances furiously on the last standing soldier, staff held above
} her head to strike him.]
}
} SOLDIER
} I liked it.
}
} GABRIELLE
} [hesitating] Really?
}
} SOLDIER
} I only heard the end as we were lurking in the undergrowth, but I
} thought it was really... gripping. Like a Jeffrey Sagittarius novel.
}
} GABRIELLE
} You're not just saying that?
}
} SOLDIER
} Could you give me an autographed copy?
}
} [Xena comes up behind the soldier and gives him the death pinch. He
} starts choking.]
}
} XENA
} Crawler.
}
} GABRIELLE
} Hey! You cut off the supply of oxygen to his brain while he was telling
} me how good my story was!
}
} XENA
} I want information.
}
} GABRIELLE
} So do I! [to Soldier] What did you especially like about it?
}
} SOLDIER
} Do - you - mind - if I answer - her questions [indicating Xena] -
} first?
}
} XENA
} Who's your warlord?
}
} SOLDIER
} Pokemos.
}
} XENA
} Why does he think I'm after him?
}
} SOLDIER
} [beginning to turn blue] He has a lead - on the whereabouts of - of the
} chest of Eurypylus. He thinks you'll try - to stop him.
}
} XENA
} Pokemos! What's the matter with that man? Why is he always trying to
} get his hands on these mythical treasures?
}
} SOLDIER
} Gotta - catch - 'em all. If it's not - too much trouble...? [he points
} at his neck]
}
} XENA
} Oh, all right.
}
} [She stabs her fingers into the Soldier's neck again. Released from the
} death pinch, he sinks to the ground, gasping.]
}
} GABRIELLE
} What's this chest of Eurypylus?
}
} XENA
} It contains an image of Dionysus, said to drive men mad if they look
} upon it. Could be a pretty powerful weapon.
}
} GABRIELLE
} So where is it now?
}
} XENA
} The Delphic oracle told Eurypylus to take it to where he saw people
} offering a strange sacrifice. A tribe called the Bobbiti in northern
} Etruria do the strangest sacrifices I know of. Come on, we're going
} there.
}
} [They collect their things. The Soldier sits up, shaking his head.]
}
} GABRIELLE
} Drives men mad, huh? What does it look like?
}
} XENA
} Jar Jar Binks.
}
} [She starts to lead Argo off. Gabrielle helps the Soldier up and leads
} him off, following Xena.]
}
} GABRIELLE
} What would you say were its strong points?
}
} SOLDIER
} Narrative cohesion. Dramatic impact. The way the plot builds skilfully
} up to a shattering denouement...
}
} FADE OUT:
}
} END TEASER
}
} ROLL OPENING CREDITS


1165-04    (38xra dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, you're really it!  In comparison to you, I'm nothing
> but... eeerrrr... in comparison to you I'm a pile of - no, no, that
> won't do... Anyway, I'm not very good, ok?  Right.
>
> Anyway, I was wondering.  What with the internet, and mobile phones,
> and now the internet on mobile phones, what's going to be the next big
> leap in technology?  I'm only asking because I have some spare money,
> and I'm looking for good stock options.  I you would gift me with
> knowledge in this matter, I'd worship at your feet all day, no matter
> how smelly they are!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The next big thing is this:  Hand your stash of cash over to one of
} several research firms working to make time travel a reality.
} Admittedly, they will burn most on research, but you will have their
} assurance that upon completion of the project, they will spread the
} value of investors' accounts inconspicuously amongst a number of
} securities with considerable growth prospects. They haven't worked out
} whether you will receive an unusually large check in the mail the next
} day or simply vanish and re-materialize on a tropical beach, umbrella
} drink in hand, or whether the person you have always known as yourself
} will "die" in a sense, replaced by a wealthier version.  Does it
} matter?  The old you wasn't rich!
} Other benefits include:
} - Mysterious, stern agents from the future who coerce your younger self
} to learn a musical instrument.
} - Amaze your 70s friends with a digital watch!
} - Find out in advance "who you really are" so that you can avoid those
} experimental incidents in college you'd rather forget about.
} - Get back the time you spent watching "The Horse Whisperer."  It's
} more valuable than money.
}
} You owe the Oracle the addresses where each of the Backstreet Boys
} lived as childen, and a Terminator.


1165-05    (4ktia dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       2+2=5?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Close! Keep trying. You _CAN_ do it!
}
} You owe the Oracle fewer questions from America until they get a
} handle on public education once again.


1165-06    (cmsc7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> double SubmitQuestion( COmnipotentBeing *Oracle, const char *Question,
> CString *OracularAnswer )
> {
>     int ii = 0;
>     double Wittiness = 0.0;
>     CString RequestedTribute;
>
>     ASSERT ( Oracle->mWisdom > REALY_REALLY_WISE );
>
>     while ( ii < MAXINT )
>    {
>         PerformReallyObsequiousGrovel( Oracle, OPT_SELF_DENIGRATION );
>         ii++;
>    }
>
>    RequestedTribute = SubmitQuestion( Oracle, Question,
> OPT_NO_WXXDCHXCKS, OracularAnswer );
>
>    if( Wittiness = EvalOracularity( &OracularAnswer ) >= WITTY )
>    {
>          OfferTo( Oracle, UNDYING_THANKS, &RequestedTribute );
>    }
>    else
>    {
>          ResubmitQuestion( Oracle, Question );
>    }
>
>    return( Wittiness );

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} // This function returns "1" if a question, q, has been rejected
} // by the Incarnation.
}
} #include <incarnation.h>
}
} int RejectQuestion ( Question q, Supplicant s )
} {
}    // FIXME: we need more reasons to reject questions
}
}    if(IncarnationIsSleepyAndWithoutCaffeine
}       && IncarnationDoesNotWantToDebugCodeRightNow)
}    {
}      if( (s.GeekLevel > MAX_GEEK_THRESH) && q.WRITTEN_IN_C)
}      {
}        // supplicant should fix his own code, or make the CVS tree
}        // public.
}        zot(s);
}        get_caffeine();
}        return 1;
}        }
}      }
}    }
}   return 0;
} }
}
} /*
} Sorry, buddy, it appears you're out of luck. You have several
} microseconds before the zot() function executes, so it would be in your
} best interest to get out of the way. Ah, the good graces of open source.
} */


1165-07    (5fto8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Let maidens raise a joyous shout for the house of Oracle with
>  songs of triumph at his Wit! His Wisdom! Amidst these shouts
>  let the voices of men be heard in one accord, lift a paean,
>  cry aloud sister, cry aloud brother, Oracle! Oracle! Oracle,
>  most wise!!!
>
>  Do any of the deities vacation on other planets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course! It is a rare and rather backward deity who does not avail
} himself of the broadening experience that travel provides. The
} chance to view fresh horizons, breath new and corrosive
} atmospheres, perhaps have a summer fling or two with some new
} worshippers.
}
} On this last note I'm reminded of an anecdote. You may have heard
} certain people talk about a bloke by the name of Baal who caused
} something of a stir a millennia or so ago. Baal was just such a
} vacationer - he originally hailed from somewhere west of Deneb. He
} held his planet's War and Fertility Portfolio - a real go-getter, one
} of these up-and-coming types who work hard and like to commit a few
} excesses when kicking back abroad.
}
} It wasn't that long after I was thrown off Olympus - a fairly typical
} example of Zeus over-reacting, this time about one of his favourite
} horses and a package of noodles - that I ran into Baal at Horus's
} summer house. I'd been knocking about at loose ends for a while, and
} had been staying with my cousin Loki in Asgaard. Odin's temper seemed
} to be reaching a boiling point, so Loki wrangled us an invitation from
} his darts partner to come see the splendour of the Nile. Baal had
} just blown in himself, having met Horus in a pub in Australia. He'd
} been having quite a time down there - the continent was devoid of any
} animal life until Baal got to it. Next time you find yourself
} wondering why kangaroos bear an uncanny (and unflattering) resemblance
} to the Ocean God of Deneb IV, remind yourself that he's Baal's uncle.
}
} Anyways, Loki and I hit it off with Baal immediately. Within an
} evening we had Horus's other guests clucking their tongues in
} disapproval, and after two days they were writing strongly worded
} letters to Ra-Aton about the matter. In my own defense, it was all
} just youthful High Spirits. Who after all hasn't wished he could lob a
} pyramid off an older relative's forehead?
}
} But Baal was looking for stronger stuff. He wanted one of these summer
} flings I mentioned - start a fly-by-night cult, revel in the orgiastic
} worship until the passion ebbed, and then pack up and head back to the
} grind fully refreshed and ready to settle down for a bit. I advised
} him the place to do this was the Middle East. The Greater Palestine
} area was just filled with supple young mortals willing to bow down and
} adulate the first being who appeared in a cloud of sulphur and said
} "What ho!". By the carnal gleam in Baal's eyes I could tell I had
} struck a chord. The next morning he packed his bags and was Canaan
} bound.
}
} Of course, most students of the Old Testament have an idea of how the
} thing turned out. Baal ended up running afoul of that old fathead
} Yaweh, and Yaweh responded by arranging some fiery stuff for Baal's
} priests. He (Baal that is) took off with his tails between his legs
} and hasn't come back since. I've spent many a happy weekend at his
} place in Deneb, as has Loki, but he still quails at the thought
} of returning to old man Yaweh's stomping grounds. Not even a bottle of
} my best Olympian ambrosia will lure him back to Earth, even for a
} weekend.
}
} Ah, the indiscretions of youth, what? Think I'll call him up and
} wrangle myself an invite for Midsummer.
}
} You owe the Oracle your unadulterated worship. If just for the
} weekend.


1165-08    (4imne dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because.
}
} Because no-one told him not to.
}
} Because he could.
}
} Because it was just bad luck.
}
} Because he thought it was a good idea at the time.
}
} Because, on the island of Sumatra last August 23rd, a butterfly flapped
} its wings one extra time.
}
} Because your mother went to a party in her senior year in high school
} and just happened to meet a young man on liberty from the Marine Corps,
} who she fell in love with and married.
}
} Because in the fall, chlorophyl is removed from the leaves by the trees,
} which allows the natural color of the leaves to be seen.
}
} Because people get tired and need time to rest.
}
} Because they love each other.
}
} Because there are very few things in the world that are permanent.
}
} Because it's traditional.
}
} Because brass gets dull-looking when it's exposed to air, so it needs to
} be polished every once in a while.
}
} Because kitties don't live as long as people.
}
} Because the "y" in "ye" is actually a Germanic letter called a "thorne"
} which is pronounced like a "th".
}
} Because the book of Isiah was actually written by at least three people.
}
} Because water evaporates and goes up into the air and makes clouds.
}
} Because she loves you very much.
}
} Because a new tooth is coming in, soon.
}
} Because ducks are lighter than water, but fish are heavier.
}
} Because there are starving people in Ethiopia.
}
} Because there are some bad people in the world.
}
} Because they choose to be.
}
} Because there are also many, many good people in the world.
}
} Because they choose to be.
}
} Because they would rather be good than bad.
}
} Because they just do.
}
} Because I love you.
}
} Because. Just because.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good-night kiss.


1165-09    (2amzc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The End?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Roll Credits]
}
} T.I. Oracle ............................. John Lithgow
} Lisa ................................ Heather Locklear
} Zadoc ................................... Hilary Swank
} Og ..................................... Charlie Sheen
} Game Show Host ....................... Wink Martindale
} Zotted Supplicant #1 ................... Norm McDonald
} Zotted Supplicant #2 ................. Darrell Hammond
} Matchstick Girl ..................... Lara Flynn Boyle
} Coat Rack In Bar ................... Calista Flockhart
} Obnoxious Bar Patron ................... Regis Philbin
} Gratuitous Nudists .................... Angelina Jolie
}                                     Elizabeth Berkeley
}                                      Anna Nicole Smith
} Lisa's Pony (Front Half) ................... Carrottop
} Lisa's Pony (Back Half) .................... Gallagher
} Religious Nut .......................... John Travolta
} Extras provided by ............... Soylent Green, Inc.
} Food catered by ......................... Krispy Kreme
} Animals trained by ...................... Staff of Zot
} Incidental music by .................... Phillip Glass
} Accidental music by ................... Britney Spears
} Weather reports courtesy of .................. L. Nino
} Gaffer .............................. Thomas Pinkerton
} Gaffer's Tape .................... William P. Ducttape
} Best Boy ........................... Haley Joel Osmont
} Worst Boy .......... That kid from the Star Wars movie
} Overexposure provided by .............. Angelina Jolie
}
} Directed by .............................. T.I. Oracle
} Based on the screenplay by ............... T.I. Oracle
} Produced by .............................. T.I. Oracle
}
}             An Oracularitous Production
}       (c)MM by Oracularitous Productions, Ltd.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tub of popcorn and a second screening.


1165-10    (8ord9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, father of Isis,
>
> I accidentally punched my cat in the nose, again! What's going to
> happen now that I've violated my kitty court probation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  My lawyer told, as I was later to find -all- my lawyers would
}  tell me, to hold my tongue in the presence of The Cat Judge.
}  This gave me pause, but on with the tale.
}
}  The Court of Kittendom was what my lawyer told its full title
}  was, I was never sure. It looked like a standard court room,
}  a high desk for the lord, a jury box to hold the complainants'(!)
}  peers, two low benches (with horribly splintered legs all
}  around)- the table nearest the jury box for the prosecutor kitty,
}  the far one for my lawyer and I.
}
}  "Errrrrroooow!" screeched a large tom in a cop like uniform.
}  My lawyer nudged me and hissed, "That means all rise". So I
}  rose. As did my lawyer. And the twelve cats in the jury box.
}  A jury I didn't like the looks of, dirty, notched eared feral
}  street cats, most of them tabbies, one a black and orange
}  calico. Later I was to learn they were litter mates.
}
}  The Cat Judge was a huge, I mean HUGE as in overfed, waddling
}  Seal Point. The galley was packed with Manx and Russian blues
}  and Assyrians and one very fetching Persian. The prosecutor
}  was a sinister Havana Brown with a krinked tail and a white
}  mitten on its left hind.
}
}  The Brown approached the Podium and started into it, "Errow!
}  Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrow! Hiss, hiss, spit!
}  Erooooooooooooooooooow! Errrrr! HISS!"
}
}  The place went wild and soon they all took up the Brown's
}  lead! "Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrow! Hiss! Spit! Errooow!
}  Errrrrrrrrrrrrroooow! Hiss! SPIT! Hisssss! Errooooowwww!"
}
}  It was deafening.
}
}  My lawyer leaned forward as he patted his briefcase and
}  whispered to me, "A friend of a friend of mine told me
}  that he heard about a guy that got away once by rolling
}  a ball of yarn across the courtroom. They all chased it
}  as the defendant bolted off to freedom."
}
}  I stared at my lawyer in disbelief.
}
}  "And that's what I got here in my briefcase, a ball of
}  bright red Rayon Chenille. Want to try it?"
}
}  "Surely that won't work."
}
}  "I doubt it myself, but I've always wanted to try it."
}
}  I looked about the loud room, the hate filled diamonds
}  of their vile kitty eyes glinted out malice from under
}  shuttered lids. Their pin-pointed teeth bared, their
}  tails a twitching, claws being retracted and then let
}  out in a slow deliberate manner. No, the yarn idea
}  was not a good one.
}
}  Then the noise stopped.
}
}  I looked up.
}
}  My lawyer stood and said, "Yes your Honor". Then
}  he sat back down and leaded over towards me.
}
}  "Bad luck old boy, you're being sent to the Isle
}  of Sand to work in the litter mines."
}
}  An old cat in the back hacked up a furball.


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