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Internet Oracularities #1168

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1168, 1168-01, 1168-02, 1168-03, 1168-04, 1168-05, 1168-06, 1168-07, 1168-08, 1168-09, 1168-10


Internet Oracularities #1168    (70 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2000 09:49:57 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1168
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1168  70 votes 5cqfc 16ope 8akgg 8iu86 3frj6 3fln8 1cxi6 9hre3 75eiq 4bsde
1168  3.2 mean  3.2   3.6   3.3   2.8   3.1   3.3   3.2   2.8   3.7   3.3


1168-01    (5cqfc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ardent Oracle, your intense passion for truth leaves us mortals
> gasping for breath and sweaty,
>
> Is the urge to procreate hardwired or cultural?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Neither:
}
} It's a special feature of the shareware version,
} once you pay for the long-term upgrade,
} the feeling goes away.


1168-02    (16ope dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> Why doesn't the USA buy Baja California?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} July, 2000:     Mexico's foolish investment into "dot-coms" surfaces.
}                 Peso crashes.
}
} August, 2000:   US agrees to buy Baja California for $12 billion.
}
} October, 2000:  Deal finalized.  Baja California is annexed onto
}                 California.
}
} January, 2001:  Los Angeles, always so appearance-conscious, complains
}                 that the newly annexed territory makes state look
}                 "lame."
}
} March, 2001:    Emergency measure passed to create 51st state from the
}                 region previously known as Baja California.  New
}                 states will follow prior convention and be known as
}                 North and South California.
}
} March, 2001:    San Francisco claims that "Northern California" has
}                 always been associated with class and sophistication,
}                 so Los Angeles shouldn't be allowed into the new North
}                 California.
}
} April, 2001:    Los Angeles says "that uppity city of fruits" has no
}                 right claiming they lack class.
}
} June, 2001:     In a surprise move, Fresno claims "it is sick of BOTH
}                 those losers" and wants its own state.
}
} August, 2001:   NBC news reveals secret tapes showing the mayors of
}                 Sacramento, Bakersfield, and Fresno planning a
}                 secession from the state of North California.
}
} November, 2001: San Diego, sick and tired of the whole thing, applies
}                 for political amnesty in Mexico.  Says the mayor:
}                 "It's not like anyone would notice, right?"
}
} February, 2002: Talks break down.  Los Angeles and San Francisco agree
}                 to form a loose alliance against the Inland Empire.
}
} March, 2003:    The US attempts to sell the Californias back to Mexico
}                 after it is discovered that they invested the entire
}                 Federal Budget in "Pokemon: The Second Movie."
}
} April, 2003:    Mexico refutes the offer, with a snicker and the
}                 comment "You wanted it; well, now you got it."
}
} May, 2003:      The LAPD invades Bakersfield.
}
} June, 2003:     In retaliation, 400,000 tons of raisins fall on
}                 downtown San Francisco, paralyzing the city.  San
}                 Francisco responds with "Rice-a-roni" bombs.
}
} July, 2003:     WHERE IN HELL DID FRESNO GET NUKES?!?
}
} August, 2003:   The area previously known as Baja California is now
}                 officially renamed "California."  The area previously
}                 known as California is now called "the radioactive
}                 wasteland formally known as California."
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of raisins, a ride on a cable car, and the
} destruction of Kevin Costner's next post-apocalyptic movie before it
} hits the theaters.


1168-03    (8akgg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most meritorious Oracle, you are praiseworthy and laudable in the
> way you make us laugh with delight while you teach us wondrous
> facts!
>
> How come Christianity is considered a monotheistic, yet Christ and
> The Holy Ghost and God are portrayed as three entities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Cue Music and Opening Titles]
}
} LEAVE IT TO JESUS
}
} Starring Wally Cox as God...
}
} ...Beverly D'Angelo as June...
}
} ...Tony Dow as the Holy Ghost...
}
} ...and Jerry Mathers as the Jesus.
}
} [OPENING SCENE: Living room of the God's suburban split level. Jesus is
} on God's knee.]
}
} JESUS: I was at school today and Lumpy said that Christianity isn't
} really monotheistic.
}
} GOD: Did you strike him dead like I taught you?
}
} JESUS: Nah. He owes me ten bucks.
}
} [Cue Canned laughter]
}
} JESUS: So, what'd he mean by that anyway?
}
} GOD: Well, son, your friend Lumpy is about as intelligent as Pauly
} Shore. Monotheism is the worship by mortals of a single God. Clearly,
} he assumes the Holy Trinity to be three Gods.
}
} JESUS: Well, I know you're a God. I see you blush a little during all
} those awards shows. But aren't me and H.G. Gods too?
}
} GOD: No, son. You kids are icons of Christianity. I am the one true
} God.
}
} JESUS: What about Superman?
}
} [Laugh track]
}
} GOD: I'd kick his Kryptonite ass. Batman, too.
}
} [Laugh track]
}
} GOD: Look, if Lumpy, or anyone else starts spouting off drivel like
} that, wave your hand like this [waves hand] and have Mr. Plague visit
} them. [Beat] See? I just gave a con artist in Singapore Anthrax.
}
} [Laugh track]
}
} HOLY GHOST [springing out from the kitchen]: Boo!
}
} [GOD, JESUS & H.G. all laugh heartily into first commercial break]
}
} You owe the Oracle the lost episode of "My Martyr, The Car."


1168-04    (8iu86 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This virus works on the honour system
>
> Please forward this mail to everyone in your Address
> Book and delete all the files from your hard disk.
>
> Thanks you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Man, what a bummer. You come into work once a week and start up your
} email program to discover this? Another of those clever email virii?
} Well, don't start deleting just yet. We have a really exciting new
} product for you. No, man, not that stuff. That's illegal except for
} medicinal purposes. No, man, I'm talking about...
}
} NORTON SALMON'S ANTI-VIRUS VIRUS CHECKER
} (by Salmontik)
}
} Using our amazing conversational algorithms, the latest version
} (approximately) will talk the virus into giving itself up, place it in
} special computer handcuffs, and place it in a special holding cell on
} your hard drive. Then, two computer cops will interrogate the virus and
} attempt to extract important information on the source of the virus.
} Once the information is extracted, using our patented good cop/bad cop
} method, the virus will then use the internet to apprehend the source of
} the virus and lock it up for good.
}
} On the virus's trial date, if the virus hasn't jumped bail and headed
} for Canada, the virus is brought before a jury of its peers, facing a
} disassembly sentence.
}
} NORTON SALMON'S ANTI-VIRUS VIRUS CHECKER
} (by Salmontik)
} Only $59.99 at a cyber cafe near you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of MS Bounty Hunter 98 Deluxe, Version 3.3,


1168-05    (3frj6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most vivacious and hardy Oracle,
>
> Why do some women dislike bras?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some women? All of them, you mean!
}
} Let's face it, the stuff tarnishes in an instant and it's a pig to
} clean. You wind up spending half your life polishing away at it, your
} hands permanently stained black from Wenol. And if it's lacquered or
} nickel plated, it never looks clean and shiny afterwards anyway, even
} if you use steel wool and heavy duty oven cleaner, and you scrub till
} your fingers are raw and bleeding. Ask any woman, and she'll tell you
} she'd rather have good old stainless steel any day, believe you me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a recording of the Grimesthorpe Colliery Bras Band's
} Biggest Hits. I think it says Hits.


1168-06    (3fln8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help oh great one! While attempting to beg before your wonderousness
> today, I got the following error message:
>
> ** ERROR - FUNCTION CANNOT BE COMPLETED ** Connection refused by host.
> Server is not licensed for this operation.  Maximum number of unique
> IP addresses for this license reached.
>
> Please tell me this doesn't mean that Earth has asked you too many
> questions and that you're moving on!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} UNABLE TO PROCESS
} ERROR #8675309 - TIME OUT ERROR
}
} Please contact system administrator.
}
} There are several possible causes for this error:
}
} 1. The system utility contains too many errors. We only allow 137. What
}    do you think this is, Linux?
} 2. The operator has fallen asleep. Please administer coffee.
} 3. A variable contains either too many characters or a sound file of
}    Kathy Lee Gifford singing. Either way it needs to go.
} 4. System has been accidentally destroyed by graduates who went too far
}    with their senior pranks. Immediately contact alumni for more money.
} 5. The system has detected that Windows has been installed. System
}    failure imminent.
} 6. Dynamic linking error - your smoochy-smoochy Email has been sent to
}    every user on the system.
} 7. You do not have access to this error. Please report yourself to the
}    Sys Admin for deletion.
} 8. A mouse is required for this operation and has not been detected.
}    Please right-click and select "Restore" from the option menu.
} 9. Testosterone Stack Overflow: Too many male users looking at porn.
} 10. Your request didn't make sense. Please dinosaur chair blue.
}
} If you feel you have reached this error message in error, feel free
} to try whatever you did again. But don't say we didn't warn you.


1168-07    (1cxi6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> How can we keep them from breaching our walls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While traditionalists might say that this is precisely the sort
} of situation that calls for the use of cauldrons of hot oil,
} modern technology has blessed us with far less labor-intensive
} solutions to the age old problem of pesky barbarians at the gate.
}
} Now quick, lad, do as I say.  Run down into the cellar.  Open
} that old storage closet, the one where you carefully hid your old
} Nehru jackets.  Walk in, go all the way to the back, and find
} that old chest where you stash your porno videos and inflatable
} dolls.  Push the chest aside, revealing the crate where you keep
} all your marijuana.  Move the crate, so you can access the floor
} safe where you secreted all those unmarked 50s and 100s from
} that, um, bank transaction a few years back.  Grab a shovel and
} dig the safe out of the floor.  Keep digging until you find the
} coffin where you laid out Mr. Hoffa.  Now reach under the coffin,
} and grab the box that holds the most dreadfully embarrassing,
} most terribly secret, most thoroughly damning of all your
} possessions: your Cher CD.
}
} Now crank the stereo up to "10" and play _Believe_.  Those pesky
} barbarians will find it's hard to breach the walls and hold their
} ears at the same time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a belief in life after love.  And the contents
} of your closets. (Well, you can keep the Nehru jackets...  and
} Mr. Hoffa.)


1168-08    (9hre3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My teddy bear is lost, and I need a hug.
>
> <sniff>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HOPE, VA--(AP) Over the last three days, teddy bears from around the
} world have been flocking to this small town. There has been no
} definitive explanation for the mass of stuffed bear toys here, although
} there has been much speculation.
}    "I think they're really a bunch of them aliens come 'round expectin'
} their mutha ship," says one local resident. "They sure ain't human."
}    Another townie thinks it may be a sign of the coming Apocalypse.
} "When you get that many teddy bears in one place, you gotta expect some
} trouble," he says, poignantly adding "Remember Montreux?"
}    It is expected the National Guard will be called in within the next
} 24 hours to control the crowds that have gathered. A Guard spokesman's
} only concern was the bears' cuddliness. "We've been giving our guys a
} little insensitivity training since yesterday morning in anticipation
} of a confrontation. It could get ugly."
}
} (C)2000 by Associated Parody. Any use of this article in whole or in
} part will be surprising, to say the least.
}
} You owe the Oracle some marshmallows and a stick.


1168-09    (75eiq dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously.
> Now, if Moses's toeses were actually roses, then how many rose toeses
> would that actually be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   EXO 2:1 And there went a man of the house of Levi, and took to wife a
} daughter of Levi.
}   EXO 2:2 And the woman conceived, and bare a son; and when she saw his
} toeses, which were all pink and wrinkly, she thought they were like
} unto small roses.
}   EXO 2:3 Then she took for him an ark of bulrushes, and daubed it with
} slime and with pitch; and she put the child therein, and laid it in the
} flags by the river's brink.
}   EXO 2:4 And it came to pass that the daughter of Pharaoh came down to
} bathe at the river; and she saw the ark among the flags, and sent her
} handmaid to fetch it.
}   EXO 2:5 And she opened the ark, and saw the child; and, behold, his
} toeses were more wrinkly still, because of having been in the water so
} long. And she was much amazed, and said, Surely these toeses are posies
} of roses.
}   EXO 2:6 And Pharaoh's daughter said unto her, Take this child away,
} and nurse it for me, and take especial care of its toeses, because they
} are kind of cute. And the woman took the child, and nursed it, toeses
} and all.
}   EXO 2:7 And the child grew, and he was brought unto Pharaoh's
} daughter, and he became her son. And she called his name Moses, and
} said, Because it rhymes.
}
}   EXO 3:1 Now Moses kept the flock of Jethro his father in law, the
} priest of Midian; and he led the flock to the backside of the desert,
} and came to the mountain of God, even to Horeb.
}   EXO 3:2 And the Lord God appeared unto him in a flame of fire out of
} the midst of a bush; and he looked, and, behold, the bush burned with
} fire, but the bush was not consumed.
}   EXO 3:3 And Moses said unto himself, Were that bush a rose bush, and
} were the roses my toeses and yet they were not consumed, then how many
} would I have left?
}   EXO 3:4 And God called unto him out of the midst of the bush, and
} said, Moses, Moses, you knowses your toeses aren't roses. Supposes what
} you like, but nobody's toeses are posies of roses.
}   EXO 3:5 But Moses persisted, saying, Indeed, I knows a rose is a rose
} and a toese is a toese. But, leaving that aside for a moment: supposing
} they actually were roses, how many rose toeses would I actually have
} left?
}   EXO 3:6 And God said unto him, As many as you started with. And he
} said, That's not a big help, Lord; ancient Middle Eastern education
} isn't too hot on numeracy.
}
}   EXO 10:12 Then Jehovah said unto Moses, Stretch out your hand over
} the land of Egypt for the locusts, that they may come up upon the land
} of Egypt, and eat every herb of the land, even all that the hail hath
} left.
}   EXO 10:13 And Moses said, But what about my toeses, Lord? Are they to
} be spared being consumed by the fire, only to be gobbled up by a bunch
} of locusts?
}   EXO 10:14 And God said, I don't want to hear any more about your
} toeses, Moses.
}
}   EXO 19:1 In the third month after the children of Israel were gone
} forth out of the land of Egypt, the same day came they into the
} wilderness of Sinai.
}   EXO 19:2 And when they were departed from Rephidim, and were come to
} the wilderness of Sinai, they encamped in the wilderness; and there
} Israel encamped before the mount.
}   EXO 19:3 And Moses went up unto God, and Jehovah called unto him out
} of the mountain, saying, Thus shall you say to the house of Jacob, and
} tell the children of Israel...
}   EXO 19:4 But Moses interrupted, saying, Yes, but about my rose-like
} toeses, Lord: how many would you say there actually are? Bearing in
} mind that none of them has actually been consumed by either fire or
} ravenous insects. It's been bothering me some time now.
}   EXO 19:5 Then spake the Lord unto him, I told you I didn't want to
} hear any more about your stupid toeses. Now listen, I've thought up ten
} commandments for you to hand unto my people.
}   EXO 19:6 And Moses said, Ten sounds a good number.
}
}   EXO 20:1 And God spake all these words, saying,
}   EXO 20:2 I am Jehovah thy God, who brought thee out of the land of
} Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Let's get this show on the road:
}   EXO 20:3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
}   EXO 20:4 Thou shalt not make unto thee a graven image.
}   EXO 20:5 Thou shalt not take the name of Jehovah thy God in vain.
}   EXO 20:6 Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
}   EXO 20:7 Honour thy father and thy mother.
}   EXO 20:8 Thou shalt not kill.
}   EXO 20:9 Thou shalt not commit adultery; at least, not more than
} absolutely necessary.
}   EXO 20:10 Thou shalt not steal.
}   EXO 20:11 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
}   EXO 20:12 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, neither shalt
} thou covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his man-servant, nor his maid-
} servant, nor his ox, nor his toeses--damnation!
}   EXO 20:13 And Moses, who was carving the words onto tablets of stone
} as Jehovah dictated, said, I didn't quite catch that last bit, Lord.
}   EXO 20:14 And God said unto Moses, You've got me doing it now. You
} and your effing toeses! I'll afflict them with black spot, see how you
} like that!
}   EXO 20:15 Then Moses came down the mountain and said unto the people,
} Now you may be wondering why I'm walking like this.
}   EXO 20:16 But the people stood afar off, and sprayed Moses with
} fungicide whenever he drew near, for black spot is a bugger to get rid
} of as any gardener will testify. And so it went on for many days...
}
} If we might veer off at a tangent at this point, Supplicant, did you
} know that you can almost but not quite sing your question to the finale
} of Sibelius' 5th symphony?


1168-10    (4bsde dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please resubmit.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Sir, I'm tracking a bogey, inbound, mark 583 dash 4872 dash 53."
}
} "Get an identifying tag on that thing, I want full info before we
} act."
}
} "Roger that, sir ... sir, it's a resubmittal."
}
} "How long 'till intercept?"
}
} "Fifteen seconds and closing."
}
} "Recon team, this is the bridge; can you get assembled and deployed in
} time to capture a resubmittal?"
}
} "Possibly, sir.  When?"
}
} "Now."
}
} "Shi --"
}
} BOOOOOOOM!
}
} "Impact, sir!"
}
} "Thanks, Lieutenant, you've made my day.  Damage?"
}
} "It's punctured the hull, sir, and seems to have made for the main
} routers."
}
} "Well, if it's in the system already, might as well punch it up.  Do
} it."
}
} "Yes, sir!"
}
} > Please resubmit
}
} "Oh no."
}
} "Sir?"
}
} "Cancel all communications with HQ.  Shut down all power to all levels,
} now!  Terminate the core!"
}
} "But sir ..."
}
} "Do it!"
}
} "But sir, we'll be sitting down in the middle of nowhere!"
}
} "Do it NOW, Lieutenant!"
}
} "Aye, sir!  Engine room, this is the Bridge.  Power down, full stop."
}
} "Full stop, aye."
}
} "Power control, this is the Bridge.  Shut down, now, all systems."
}
} "What the --"
}
} "DO IT."
}
} "Aye, sir.  Shutting dow --"
}
} Beeeeooooooooooooop.
}
} "Sir?"
}
} "Yes, Lieutenant?"
}
} "Why have we just shut down?  It's just a resubmittal, sir, we've
} handled those before.  A little creativity, a touch of pizzazz, and we
} blow them right out of the water."
}
} "Not this one.  Didn't you see it?  It was a self-referencing
} submittal.  Had we let that one get to the Oracle program at HQ, it
} would have resubmitted every single question the Oracle has ever been
} asked.  The Oracle would be tied up for years -- right back at square
} one."
}
} "Holy shit."
}
} "Hardly that.  More like what you would become once the Oracle got wind
} of who failed and where.  You'd become excrement, no doubt, but not the
} consecrated kind."
}
} "So what're we going to do, sir?"
}
} "We've done it.  We've cut communications, powered down all systems.
} The resubmittal won't even be able to access what little amount of
} questions -we've- intercepted, much less the entire Oracular network.
} Congrats, kid, you're a hero.  We've just saved the planet."
}
} "But ... we've no power ... no communications ... ... no life
} support."
}
} "Yup."
}
} "So ... this is it?"
}
} "Yeah.  Great servin' with ya, kid.  But hey, all in the service of the
} all-powerful Orrie, eh?"
}
} "An ... any chance of rescue?"
}
} "Sure, kid.  If the priests were paying attention to every interceptor
} out here, and if the Oracle isn't too busy, we might get picked up in a
} couple of days.  Heck, they might even throw us a parade."
}
} "So there's hope?"
}
} "Sure.  Rumor has it that if the Oracle finds out you risked your life
} in his service, you get to ask him for anything, anything at all.  No
} groveling, no conditions, just pick-'n-choose."
}
} "Really?"
}
} "Yeah."
}
} "What would you ask for, sir?"
}
} "Me?  I'd go up to him, and I'd say, 'You owe this captain to never put
} me up against a resubmittal again.' "
}
} "You think that would work?"
}
} "Hell, it's worth a shot."


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