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Internet Oracularities #1170

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1170, 1170-01, 1170-02, 1170-03, 1170-04, 1170-05, 1170-06, 1170-07, 1170-08, 1170-09, 1170-10


Internet Oracularities #1170    (78 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 07:20:01 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1170
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1170  78 votes alsd6 3ksl6 5brr8 26que cqoc4 0dprd aoud1 18trd bflid fkgi9
1170  3.1 mean  2.8   3.1   3.3   3.6   2.6   3.5   2.6   3.6   3.1   2.8


1170-01    (alsd6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh supplicant most incomplete...


1170-02    (3ksl6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Wise, Whose Red Top Is The Brightest And Can Explode Stuff By
> Sheer Will...
>
> Yum? Or Yuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   ART 475.  Problems in Art Criticism
}   Prerequisite: ART 367 and senior status or consent of the instructor.
}   An investigation into the origins, nature, and functions of the
}   visual arts to develop criteria of aesthetic judgment.
}
} PROF: Okay class, let's take a look at the next slide.  Yum or yuck?
}   Mr. Carson?
}
} STUDENT 1: Um...yuck?
}
} PROF: Correct. And *why* yuck?
}
} STUDENT 1: It's ugly?
}
} PROF: No!  Mr. Carson has obviously not understood this week's
}   readings. Miss Wu, please enlighten us as to the relationship between
}   ugliness and artistic merit.
}
} STUDENT 2: Beauty and ugliness are irrelevent to aesthetics.
}
} PROF: An example, if you please?
}
} STUDENT 2: Um... Bilbao. The Guggenheim Bibao Museum, widely hailed as
}   the greatest architectural achievement since the Eiffel Tower, in
}   spite of the fact that it's uglier than a warthog with a hangover.
}
} PROF: Excellent.  Now Miss Wu, why is the work on our slide "yuck"?
}
} STUDENT 2: The artist is ovbiously drawing on the influences of the
}   Neo-classic, Romantic and Realist Revolutions without a clear
}   understanding of their relationship to Impressionism, Expressionism,
}   Cubism, Futurism, Surrealism and Post-modernism.  This isn't Art;
}   it's a picture.
}
} PROF: Very good.  All right, your assignment for next session...
}
} You owe the Oracle a 16-to-20-page paper on the beauty of aesthetics,
} or vice versa (not both).  Use MLA citation style.


1170-03    (5brr8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <IOML>
>   <META SUPD-EQUIV="Humor" VALUE="Dry Wit">
>   <META SUPD-EQUIV="Spoken Accent" VALUE="British">
>   <META NAME="Editor" CONTENT="vi">
>
>   <GROVEL>
>     <P>Oh great and powerful Oracle, who has Lisa listed as an fstab
> automount...</P>
>   </GROVEL>
>
>   <QUESTION>
>     <P>Is XML <I>really</I> all it's cracked up to be?</P>
>   </QUESTION>
> </IOML>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That'd probably look pretty cool if I had the right mailer.
}
} Hang on, I'll fire up Microscape Prognosticator.
}
} It won't take long...
}
} Any minute now...
}
} Here we go. "71 Unread messages, of which 47 will be deleted
} immediately on reading and one will be saved to a hidden folder. There
} will be 4 new messages in the next 10 minutes."
}
} Now I remember why I don't use this, it's a smart-ass.
}
} I just have to set the right options... View Message as Impressionist
} Painting, View Message as I Ching Reading, View Message as Web Page -
} that's the one.
}
} Open the message, and... Gosh, I wasn't aware that was physically
} possible for a woman. Oops, that's not your message. Forget I spoke.
} I'll just save that one to my special folder for, uh, further study.
}
} This is yours. Huh. Is that it? I'm not sure you're really using this
} new technology at its fullest, you know.
}
} But in response to your feeble query, I'd have to say, "No." It's a
} fad, that's all. Things won't get _really_ exciting until NTML gets
} going. Nanotech Mark-up Language will sweep the world, I guarantee.
}
} You owe the Oracle an airtight bunker with supplies for eight years,
} three months and six days. Any time before March 7th 2002 is fine.
}
} "Boop. You have 4 new messages. Told you so."  Oh, shut up.


1170-04    (26que dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In an all-out brawl between Edgar Allan Poe,
> Franz Kafka, H. P. Lovecraft, Stephen King,
> Douglas Adams, Frank Herbert, and Michael
> Moorcock, who would be the last man standing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Orrie: Zadoc! Quick! To the "What-if" machine!
} Zadoc: Wait! Wasn't this done in digest num...
} Orrie: Yes! Now into the machine!
}
} <cut to neat swirly effects>
}
} The fog clears and we find the Oracle and Zadoc high above an ancient
} roman arena. In the center of the arena are several prominent authors,
} debating who would do what to whom...
}
} Poe: I would pour a vial of poison down your throat slowly, letting the
} numbness take your mind until you go insane, racked with long intervals
} of horrible sanity.
}
} Kafka: I have powerfully thrust the conundrum of existence into your
} mind so that the workings of your inner self twist themselves into the
} horrible visage of... a bug.
}
} Lovecraft: The small region of final comfort that comes from the
} rapidly vanishing light will be your last joy as the frothing confusion
} of the nether blasphemes from the centre of infinity, the one whose
} name no lips dare speak aloud, coughing and spitting from the unlit
} chambers of his timeless home arises, with detestable dark joy and the
} dancing and beating of drums from mindless Other Gods who follow, bring
} your soul into the crawling chaos of the void.
}
} King: Well I can summon brain sucking aliens and killer clowns and a
} horrible awful death from drinking too much beer and turning into a
} slug and a creepy slimey thing that lives in a lake! Ooh! Yeah! That
} scares me! Either that or I'll make you listen to the Rock Bottom
} Remainders!
}
} Adams: I could shove a couch between your jaws at an odd angle.
}
} Herbert: Worms, man, giant desert worms.
}
} Moorcock: I could read to you from the Book. A huge book, a book not of
} my writing. A book whose covers are encrusted with alien gems and light
} from inside. Gleaming and throbbing with brilliant colors unseen from
} before the dawn of the era of the coming of mankind. Book so huge and
} awesomely big that some have called it gigantic. It is a beauteous
} book, lovely to look at and very beautiful. The pages twitch and
} pulsate, rhythmically throbbing and ... pulsating ... moving ...
} undulating ... twisting ... gyrating ...
}
} <several hours later>
}
} Moorcock: ... A book whose contents are so mighteous, so awesome and
} mighty, the unworthy, worthless ones, those without worth, cannot touch
} it for fear of being destroyed, of being annihilated with an awesome
} destruction. Then comes the hero...
}
} <Zadoc elbows the Oracle, who awakens with a snort>
}
} Oracle: Hmph. Well. There you have it supplicant. There's your answer.
}
} Zadoc: But they didn't fight!
}
} Oracle: Well he didn't ask who would win in a  fight, he asked who
} would be the last one standing. All the others are asleep. C'mon,
} Zadoc. You owe the Oracle a corn dog, a luscious, tasty morsel of hot
} dog wrapped in corn, corn-encrusted and spitted on a stick with
} corn-batter ....


1170-05    (cqoc4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> By the shore of Gitchie Gumee,
> By the shining Big-Sea-Water,
> I have chucked wood, I have chucked lots,
> I have chucked more than I oughter,
> Sang Chuckzilla, Queen of Marmots!
>
> All the air was full of lumber,
> All the earth was clothed in wood chip,
> Bough struck ground with rolling thunder;
> That old Orrie, he sure would flip
> If he had to count the number,
> If he heard the shards of timber
> Crashing, raining down like thunder.
>
> From the paw of Queen Chuckzilla
> Flung was every piece of willow,
> Oak and maple, beech and osier,
> Alder, Sitka spruce and gingko.
> With a smile of glad approval,
> With a look of exultation,
> Caused complete deforestation;
> Without so much as a grovel,
> Queen of Marmots, proud Chuckzilla!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The homeless owl made his way
} To see the local magistrate.
} Bemoaning loss of hearth and home
} The bobcat judge said "Much too late.
} When it was started was when you
} To this here courtroom should've flown
} But you cared not until the tree cut
} Was that which was your won.
} I have no pity for your kind,
} Now pardon, but I have to sup.
} And before he could turn around
} The bobcat ate the owl up.
}
} You owe the Oracle one plastic owl.


1170-06    (0dprd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why aren't the humans happy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Where do I even begin?
}
} (1) Though it may be the height of fashion on your planet, ponchos of
} solid granite are not suitable spring-wear for humans.
}
} (2) They like their food to be dead first.
}
} (3) Humans do not use the same orifice for eating and waste
} expulsion. You're thinking of sea sponges.
}
} (4) 1 M hydrochloric acid may be "close enough" to pure water for your
} people, but not for humans.
}
} (5) When humans say, "bears are cute", they don't mean they like to be
} kept in the same cage as a hungry grizzly. We'll talk about "teddy
} bears" later.
}
} (6) That isn't his ear.
}
} (7) I know you went to a lot of effort to create what you thought was
} a familiar environment for them. I'm just saying that perhaps you
} should have done more research than watching "Gilligan's Island".
}
} (8) And for God's sakes... Yahoo Serious and Gary Coleman are NOT a
} "breeding pair"!
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "How to Serve Man".


1170-07    (aoud1 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.
>
> Do you have any suggestions for something to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I could suggest a little wood putty, or in your case, a lot of wood
} putty. Somebody sure loves boring holes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pruning that doesn't cost a branch and a root.


1170-08    (18trd dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Hallelujah! The Oracle is going to answer another question for
>  us! Secular heroes be praised!
>
>  How do tree roots differ from system admins?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One provides a valuable service by distributing available resources
} accurately and efficiently to support a large network of interconnected
} systems striving for a common goal, and the other sits around and plays
} Diablo all day long.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the original Duke Nukem.


1170-09    (bflid dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.
>
> Do you have any suggestions for something to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                  Fifty Things to Do
}
}      1   Tape your favorite LPs to a broom box
}      2   Mail a friend your best recipe for disaster
}      3   Play checkers with a photograph of Nixon
}      4   Read a good book of matches
}      5   Rake your backyard with small arms fire
}      6   Write "your congressman" 100 times on a chalkboard
}      7   Sweep the garage for bugs
}      8   Give your significant other a big chocolate kiss off
}      9   Clean your closet, make sure it's not loaded first
}     10   Brush your teeth with a solution of curry and Jello
}     11   Tie your shoelaces to a bad dream
}     12   Buy some stamps for food
}     13   Wallpaper your checkbook
}     14   Wash your car's hair
}     15   Put gas in your lower intestine
}     16   Plan a trip, then fall
}     17   Take out the trash compactor with extreme prejudice
}     18   Clean your dog's ear with the bent pages of books
}     19   Make a louse out of toothpicks
}     20   Wash the screens in the faucets
}     21   Regret all the drugs you didn't take to bed
}     22   Dial up some soap
}     23   Fish for stockings with Annette
}     24   Go to the store and try and store something there
}     25   Run the garbage disposal over with a cement truck
}     26   Hang out with your clothes and a wash line
}     27   Tie some flies to a reel of trout
}     28   Write a letter to the editor, The Oracle suggests "D"
}     29   Ask your kids if you're 'cool' yet
}     30   Charge a light bulb's point of view
}     31   Plow a field into some mutual funds
}     32   Knock over a bank of a river
}     33   Make a sign and ask people if it's their's too
}     34   Write a letter to John Deere saying you dislike them now
}     35   Put a rag on top of your car
}     36   Regrunt a postal worker
}     37   Put a colorful page of a bible in a dark place
}     38   Pretend your a big fan of the wind
}     39   Eat your heart out
}     40   Vent your spleen
}     41   Clean up and down and up and down, repeat
}     42   Log on to a forest
}     43   Sleep in the rest room
}     44   Pick a nosy friend out in a crowd
}     45   Smell the rose's breathe
}     46   Take the dog for a walk on the wild side
}     47   Put the cat out of it's misery
}     48   See if your boy's Elroy
}     49   Rent a film in half
}     50   Pay attention to watch you sleep
}
} You the Oracle a promise to kill -ed.


1170-10    (fkgi9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is it that those "natives" are singin on the theme song to
> Survivor? All I can make is "oh day oh day oh day oh day ahhhh".
>
> Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Oompa Loompa, doompadee doo
}   We have the perfect show for you.
}   Oompa Loompa, doompadee dee
}   If you are wise you will listen to me.
}
}   What do you get when you guzzle down rats,
}   What do you think will come of that?
}   Really, now, how dumb can you get?
}   Think you'll win? I wouldn't bet...
}   Voted off, with nothing to show,
}   Sorry, man, you've got to go!
}
}   Oompa Loompa, doompadee dah
}   If you're not greedy you will go far.
}   You will live in happiness too
}   Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do.
}   Doompadee do.


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