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Internet Oracularities #1171

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1171, 1171-01, 1171-02, 1171-03, 1171-04, 1171-05, 1171-06, 1171-07, 1171-08, 1171-09, 1171-10


Internet Oracularities #1171    (73 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000 08:09:22 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1171
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1171  73 votes bkif9 4ekhi 4bksa 8ooc5 bkkf7 6ddoh jamd9 cgkeb 8lqc6 9hjk8
1171  3.0 mean  2.9   3.4   3.4   2.8   2.8   3.5   2.8   2.9   2.8   3.0


1171-01    (bkif9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise. WHat scandals can we ecpect from the swedish
> royal family this year ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10) Prince Carl Philip suggests he invented the fishing net
} 09) King Carl XVI Gustaf spells "lute fish" wrong in public
} 08) Queen Silvia makes 100,000 kronas in shady reindeer futures
}     deal
} 07) Princess Madeleine says SAABs are old fogey cars
} 06) Princess Madeleine gets a tattoo of the Linux penguin on
}     her royal bottom
} 05) King Carl XVI Gustaf tells off color King Oscar I joke
} 04) Princess Madeleine seen buying a Burzum cd while wearing
}     her tiara backwards and wearing baggy ermine robe two sizes
}     too big for her
} 05) Prince Carl Philip says IKEA furniture 'post modern depressing'
} 03) Crown Princess Victoria turns down repeated second date offers
}     from Internet Oracle
} 02) Queen Silvia announces she's running for Minister with out
}     portfolio of Blekinge after King Carl XVI Gustaf's term is over
} 01) Crown Princess Victoria orders all visitors to Sweden bearing
}     passports from indiana.edu turned back at the borders.
}
} You owe the Oracle a phone call from Crown Princess Victoria so
} he can explain.


1171-02    (4ekhi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most original and feisty,
>
> Why do females like the color pink and males the color blue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      4004 B.C.
}
}      Adam and Eve are relaxing in after a full day of frolicing in the
} Garden. Lying side by side on the soft grass, looking at the sky filled
} with fluffy, white clouds, Adam reaches out for Eve's hand...
}
} ADAM: It's been a nice day. I really like the blue of the sky.
}
} EVE {thinking}: A nice day? That's so nice of him to say. But why did
} he mention the sky at the same time? What is he trying to tell me? Has
} he been trying to take a break from frolicing all day and just look at
} the sky? And he feels that he hasn't been able to, because of me? Is
} that why he keeps bringing up the sky? Why can't he just say what he
} means? Maybe he doesn't think he can trust me. Maybe he thinks I'd
} betray him and maybe he doesn't really love me after all! Maybe all
} that talk of me being the only woman for him was just lies! Maybe he
} really can't stand me and he doesn't want to hurt me and so he keeps
} talking about the sky to make me figure it out myself! He's so
} considerate. That's so sweet. Maybe the he's saying look to the stars
} Eve, don't cry over the spilt milk of our failing relationship, there's
} a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for you Eve. Maybe that's what
} he's trying to say! But why can't he just say it? Is he afraid? The
} wimp! Instead of just telling me straight out, he has to make things up
} and play these games with me! He's so inconsiderate!
}
}      But, but why did he need to mention the colour of the sky? What is
} it about blue that has him so worked up? What's he saying? What does he
} mean?
}
}      Ah, I see it now. He thinks I'm fat! He thinks that now that I'm a
} week older, I'm not the woman I used to be, that I'm one week closer to
} sagging skin and wrinkles and dry, limp hair and varicose veins and...
} Veins! Of course! Varicose veins! BLUE varicose veins! This is his
} weak, snivelling way of saying he doesn't find me attractive anymore.
} That I'm ugly and fat and old! Well! I'll fix him! I'll show him what's
} what and who's who and that's that! He likes blue does he? It makes him
} feel superior does it? Well, I think I like a colour that will show him
} I'm not going to take that from him. It will show him I'm mad as all
} get out and I'm not going to take it anymore! An angry colour! A
} violent colour! A determined, forceful colour! A colour like....Red!
} Yes! Red is the colour!
}
}      Hmmmm...it's not very feminine though...
}
} EVE {speaking}: I prefer it pink.
}
}      And so supplicant, that is why women like pink. Of course, men do
} not really prefer blue; they're indifferent. It's just that women keep
} telling them they prefer blue and men are just too bored to bother
} arguing.
}
}      You owe the Oracle a re-read of Genesis 1 - 3.


1171-03    (4bksa dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My name is Brianna. I am 8 years old. My Dad said I could ask you;
> what does the Tooth Fairy do with all the teeth she gets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is actually a very interesting question, Brianna. Not many people
} know the full extent of the Tooth Fairy's business empire, and you'd
} be surprised to learn just how much...
}
} [The Oracle is interrupted by a soft tapping noise at the door. He gets
} up and opens it, but sees no-one there. Then a voice from somewhere in
} the vicinity of his ankles squeaks: "Down here, buddy!" and he looks
} down to see two tiny men, one six inches tall, the other four. Both
} wear double-breasted pinstripe suits, dark glasses and wide-brimmed
} hats. Pairs of iridescent wings - like a dragonfly's - sprout from
} their shoulders]
}
} Sergio: The boss says we's to have a word with youse, buddy.
}
} Rocco:  Yeah, so you'd better let us in, if you know what's good
}         for youse.
}
} Sergio: Yeah.
}
} Rocco:  Buddy.
}
} Oracle: Where are my manners? Please, do come in.
}
} [The two fairy enforcers enter the Oracular Chamber and wander about
} looking it over with a proprietary air, not an easy feat from their
} vantage point]
}
} Oracle: Is there something I can help you with?
}
} Rocco:  Yeah, buddy!
}
} Sergio: No.
}
} Rocco:  No?
}
} Sergio: No.
}
} Rocco:  Oh yeah. No, buddy!
}
} Oracle: No it is, then.
}
} Sergio: No, 'cos we's here to help you, buddy.
}
} Rocco:  We don't want youse to go make any unfortunate mistakes.
}
} Sergio: Like, f'rinstance, going round telling little girls all about
}         the boss's business interests.
}
} Oracle: My, but word gets around quickly. I'd only just started. How
}         did she know?
}
} Sergio: A little bird told her.
}
} Rocco:  It was a tawny pipit, wasn't it?
}
} Sergio: Never mind what kind of little bird it was, Rocc.
}
} Rocco:  Yeah, never mind, buddy!
}
} Sergio: So we's here to tell youse, buddy, that it would not be a good
}         idea going round telling little girls things like that.
}
} Rocco:  Not a good idea, buddy!
}
} Sergio: More like a serious mistake, if youse gets my drift.
}
} Rocco:  A real serious mistake, buddy!
}
} Oracle: I'm intrigued. How serious, exactly?
}
} Sergio: Show him, Rocc.
}
} Rocco:  Well, f'rinstance, it's a nice little temple youse got here,
}         buddy.
}
} Sergio: Pity if something were to happen to it.
}
} Rocco:  Something bad, like, um...
}
} [The smaller fairy enforcers looks around for something to demolish.
} Nothing presents itself at his level, so eventually he settles for
} kicking over a wastepaper basket. Some crumpled pieces of paper and
} an empty can of Mountain Dew spill out onto the floor]
}
} Rocco:  And there's plenty more where that came from, buddy!
}
} Sergio: So don't force us to give youse any more demonstrations.
}
} Oracle: No really, I'm convinced. My lips are sealed, I promise.
}
} Sergio: Good. Youse got sense, buddy.
}
} Rocco:  Yeah, otherwise we'd have had to rough you up a bit, buddy.
}
} Sergio: Yeah.
}
} Rocco:  Can we rough him up a bit anyway, Serge?
}
} Sergio: No, we got other calls to make.
}
} Rocco:  Oh yeah. Lucky for you, buddy!
}
} Oracle: My relief knows no bounds.
}
} Sergio: Yeah? Well, keep it that way.
}
} Rocco:  Or we'll be back.
}
} Sergio: Yeah.
}
} Rocco:  Buddy.
}
} Sergio: Buddy.
}
} Rocco:  Yeah.
}
} [With many threatening backward glances, the two fairy enforcers leave
} the Oracular Chamber. The Oracle closes the door behind them, then
} returns to his console]
}
} Whew! Who'd have thought the Tooth Fairy would be so sensitive about
} her dentures for the Little People business? Well, I'm very sorry,
} Brianna, but it looks like the Oracle is unable to help you with this
} particular question. Please ask me another one.


1171-04    (8ooc5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle who knows better than to take a class in underwater
> basket weaving,
>
> Why did the Greeks play with lyres? I thought they were into The
> Truth.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the business about bewaring of Greeks bearing gifts that always
} gets me. I have these visions of a wave of paranoia sweeping the
} country every Christmas. Of weddings held in secret. Of parents locking
} up their own children on Mother's and Father's Day. And how many Greeks
} have ever told you when their birthday is? None, right? Just goes to
} prove there really is something in it.
}
} Anyway, the business with the gifts should have warned you that they
} weren't all that hot on The Truth. Picture the scene outside Troy.
} "Well, you've won. We'll be off now. We made you this gift of a large
} wooden horse. We thought you might like to take it into your town as a
} commemoration of your victory. Oh, before you do, though, you may want
} to know there's a party of armed men inside waiting to murder you all
} in your sleep tonight. That's if it's of any interest. Otherwise,
} enjoy!" As stratagems go, that just isn't the stuff legends are made
} of, is it now?
}
} You owe the Oracle an irate Maltese, a visually-impaired Venetian and a
} Greek's pay packet.


1171-05    (bkkf7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wisest Oracle,
>
> Should I trust the step builders?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not for a minute, Tengoungatoenmispantalones. They've made them all
} steep and uneven, not like those nice, wide, level ones at Chichen
} Itza. How's it going to look if the high priest gets an attack of
} vertigo halfway up the pyramid, eh?
}
} Worse still, they've not cut any channels for the blood to run down, so
} the steps are going to be all slippery when it's time to come down
} again at the end of a hard day's butchery, and that's just begging for
} an accident to happen. How this shoddy bit of workmanship passed the
} Health & Safety inspection I'll never know.
}
} So you stick to your guns, Tengoun... Say, do you mind if I call you TG
} for short? You stick to your guns, TG, and refuse to carry out any
} human sacrifices until those cowboy operators make the necessary
} improvements.
}
} DISCLAIMER: The Internet Oracle accepts no responsibility for any
} possible celestial consequences, such as the sun winking out of
} existence, as a result of following this advice.


1171-06    (6ddoh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who knows more answers than ten fools can ask.
>
> Could you explain the procedure that your priests are using to select
> what answers that will go to the digests ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} YEAH!? Well, if you think it's so easy try passing this!
} %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
}
}  The 'Do I Have a Chance at Being a Priest?' Aptitude Test
} %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
}
} DIRECTIONS: Get an actual real piece of paper and a pencil.
}             Number 0 to 9, write down the LETTER that best
}             goes with the questions below. If you can't
}             be bothered with paper and pencil then you
}             have automatically flunked the test. Changing
}             any answer AFTER you've written it down is an
}             instant flunk as well. Having to re-read the
}             directions is an instant flunk also. Answer
}             truthfully on all but one question.
}
} 0) Someone tells you a funny joke. What do you do?
}
}    a) Forget the punch line immediately.
}    b) Laugh.
}    c) Said, "That's a funny joke."
}    d) Fume, since you were about to tell it.
}    e) Think of a better punch line.
}    f) Smile weakly since you've heard it about
}       nine hundred times before.
}
} 1) Fill in the blank:
}    He who laughs last, _________.
}
}    a) laughs best.
}    b) is slow of wit.
}    c) was probably just finishing chewing their food.
}    d) gets to comment on all the previous laughs.
}    e) is just mindlessly imitating the crowd.
}    f) is probably the victim of a localized aural warp.
}
} 2) Your grandmother's friend starts telling you about
}    some illness she had in 1962. How do you react?
}
}    a) Smile weakly and nod sympathetically.
}    b) Grab at any excuse to leave the area.
}    c) Ask her to write it down so you can put it
}       on the bulletin board at work.
}    d) Develop each symptom as it is mentioned.
}    e) Ponder the inexplicable human love of the same
}       tale told over and over again.
}    e) Pretend she's a toaster and you're a repairman.
}
} 3) Your idea of a perfect weekend is:
}
}    a) Sex,sex,sex!
}    b) Surfing the `net with a beverage in hand.
}    c) Trip to the museum.
}    d) Getting abducted by a UFO.
}    e) Anything that doesn't involve computers.
}    f) Being stalked by a flamingo dancer.
}
} 4) Which of these do you own? (If more than one,
}    which item do you like the best?)
}
}    a) plaid shorts
}    b) 21 inch or greater monitor
}    c) The complete works of Shakespeare
}    d) "The Lion King" video
}    e) a two by four
}    f) a "Get out of Hell Free" card
}
} 5) Someone tells you of a great film. You reply;
}
}    a) Wow, I must see it.
}    b) I like reading better than films.
}    c) I'll file that info away for eight years.
}    d) I like phlegm better than film.
}    e) What shutter speed did you use?
}    f) But did you laugh?
}
} 6) Which of these have you eaten most recently:
}
}    a) Meat loaf.
}    b) A doughnut.
}    c) A bowl of Lucky Charms covered with mustard.
}    d) Drive-thru food.
}    e) Food? Is coffee food?
}    f) A clove of garlic.
}
} 7) You get have a chance to see Steve Wright's comedy
}    act in person. What do you do?
}
}    a) Go with a notepad and write each joke down.
}    b) Wonder who Steve Wright is.
}    c) Go and heckle.
}    d) Stay home and heckle your bathroom mirror.
}    e) Scream. Then go anyway hoping for some kind
}       of inoculation effect.
}    f) Feeling sorry for Steve Wright you send him a
}       "Get Well" card and some flowers.
}
} 8) Someone mentions The Cascade Mountains. How do you
}    react?
}
}    a) Wonder what kind of postcards they sell there.
}    b) Nod knowingly.
}    c) Cringe.
}    d) Pack your bags and move there.
}    e) Roll your eyes inwardly.
}    f) Get cold and clammy.
}
} 9) You read a long, boring story with no plot.
}    What is your reaction?
}
}    a) Make copies and give it to your friends.
}    b) Curse yourself for reading it.
}    c) Fall asleep.
}    d) Write 'Me too' on the last page.
}    e) Wish you were getting paid for the task.
}    f) Wonder when the queue was made into a book.
} %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
}
} Scoring:
}
}    Look at your answers. If you did not mark any one
}    letter down seven (7) or more times, then you are
}    a flighty human with no goals, no hopes, no lasting
}    aspirations. Thank you for your time, move along
}    nothing to see here. If you marked any answer more
}    than seven (7) times then proceed:
}
}    If you answered 7 more times with the answer of 'a'
}    you will never, ever be a priest. You should consider
}    taking drugs, or taking a trip or something to make
}    yourself less boring.
}
}    If you answered 7 more times with the answer of
}    'b' you are too normal to be a priest. You might
}    wish to consider having lots of children, the
}    world needs normal folks like you to run things.
}    You'd make a fair supplicant. Submit some questions.
}
}    If you answered 7 or more time with the answer 'c'
}    you have a one in 100,000 chance of becoming a priest.
}    This is -way- ahead of the curve. On the other hand,
}    don't call us, we'll call you. Try your hand at
}    incarnating, we'll be monitoring your answers.
}
}    If you answered 7 or more times with answer 'd'
}    you might actually like reading rec.humor.oracle.d
}    This is one of the Eight Warning Signs of Brain Cancer.
}
}    If you answered 7 or more times with 'e' you have
}    a 1 in 1000 chance of becoming a priest. Please
}    forward us a resume. We'll get back to you. Have
}    a valid credit card number handy.
}
}    If you answered 7 or more times with 'f' you were
}    probably a priest in an earlier life. You have our
}    sympathy.
} %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
}
} You owe the Oracle all/none of the above.


1171-07    (jamd9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Madonna's had a mastectomy? Oh, horror!


1171-08    (cgkeb dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who hires servants that not in any way make your
> glory seem lesser in comparence. Could you give me a brief description
> of all the priests in your staff ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, they're all described briefly on the Oracle homepage, so that'd
} be a tad redundant (I know, I know 'redundant' is in right now, but
} the Oracle isn't fad driven), so instead here is a brief glimpse
} of the priests' futures instead.
}
} Enjoy. . .
}
} Michael A. Atkinson: moves to Las Vegas, becomes barker
}
} Julianna Avedon: lives in cave on edge of Guagua Pichincha caldera
}
} Frank Backitis: Lost in central highlands of Mexico looking
}                 for Don Juan
}
} David Bremner: runs lucrative "malaprops for food" scam on
}                highway onramp in North Hollywood
}
} Kirsten Chevalier: Finally settles on one hair color for a month
}                    friends see this as a bad sign, have her committed
}
} Tim Chew: dies of electrical burns wiring a 'giant drunken wicker
}           pict' for an obscure festival
}
} Ross Clement: Takes over from Kinzler and rewrites the Oracle
}               filters to exclude all questions and answers that
}               contain vowels
}
} Ian Davis: takes one last vacation that never ends
}
} Dave Disser: dies gored by a bull in Spain
}
} Mike Engelhardt: reveals he is actually Alyce with a 'y' in
}                  a parallel universe
}
} Scott Forbes: after 900th try to promote a 'flat ask' policy
}               he removes all his teeth to the wonderment of all
}
} Carole S. Fungaroli: Editor of TeenBeat
}
} Alan M. Gallatin: Moves to New York to live dream of a sidewalk
}                   hot dog vendor
}
} Charles Hannum: reveals he is a Hindu monkey god then vanishes
}                 in a flash of flames and sulfur
}
} "Harold the Foot": writes story for Readers' Digest of his life
}                    lives comfortably off the residuals
}
} Dave Hemming: regrows his beard and quits wearing red lipstick
}
} Mark Lawrence: arrested on golf course in Florida when fingered
}                by OJ Simpson as 'the real killer'
}
} Mark McCafferty: moves to Detroit and opens a deli
}
} Rich McGee: becomes spokesperson for paper product chain
}
} Ken McGlothlen: eaten by Orca, death caught on tape, makes
}                 'Funniest Home Videos' hall of fame
}
} Bill McMillan: refuses to wear kilt at family reunion, forced by
}                ancient family law to move to France and change name
}                to Pierre
}
} Ray Moody: Moves in with Ross Clement after great vowel rewrite
}            and the two of them work on TOP SECRET project for
}            years
}
} "Dr. Noe": becomes permanent feature at Encintas swap meet and
}            is voted Mayor of Low Tide
}
} Scott Panzer: he hardly even knew her
}
} Bill Petrosky: revealed as .forward file to Fungaroli
}
} Christopher Pettus: moves to Arizona and heads up Shuffleboard
}                     revival movement
}
} Joshua R. Poulson: uses knowledge of locale of all ATMs in New York
}                    to better facilitate panhandling crew he heads
}
} Leo L. Schwab: refuses to give up title of priest even after Oracle
}                ends after the disastrous vowel rewrite
}
} David Sewell: becomes moderator of alt.highet which makes him rich
}
} Otis Viles: last seen trapped in elevator in Honolulu
}
} Alyce Wilson: revealed to be Mike Engelhardt in a parallel
}               universe
}
} Greg Wohletz: often referred to as the Singing Priest
}
} Jim Cheetham: comes out of retirement after the vowel fiasco
}               finds everyone but Schwab is gone
}
} The Great Squid: Eaten by Sperm Whale
}
} Jonathan G. Monsarrat: corners world market on used Deep
}                        Purple 8-tracks
}
} Michael W. Zintl: Changes name to Zichael M. Mintl
}
} You owe the Oracle an anti-instant resubmit filter.


1171-09    (8lqc6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You ever feel like pounding in the head of a particularly stupid
> incarnation?
>
> Ah well. I guess I'll just have to resubmit.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE FOLLOWING PREVIEW HAS BEEN RATED "G" (SUITABLE FOR ALL AUDIENCES):
}
} [Scene I: Steve Kinzler, unshaven and sweating, is squatting in front
} of a DEC minicomputer that has been opened to expose the inner
} electronics. Kinzler is pulling on the wires and babbling to himself.]
}
} Kinzler (falsetto): "...but Mr. Bus, how am I to get power?" (basso):
} "I shall route it through the daughterboard!" (falsetto) "Yaaaay!"
}
} [Suddenly Steve gets sucked into the computer and finds himself in
} another person's body.]
}
} Steve: "What the...? Hey, I'm in somebody else's body! And I can make
} them do things against their will! Cool! Let's see...sit down in front
} of the computer. Okay, now write an email to oracle@cs.indiana.edu.
} Now, sign it and send it...Good, now--"
}
} [Suddenly Steve is transported to a dumpster behind Indiana U. He
} shakes himself off, goes to his room and checks his email. A message
} pops up: "The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!"
} Steve reads the question intently.]
}
} Steve: "Geez, this question SUCKS! If only I could pound in the head of
} that particularly stupid incarnation! Hey wait a minute..."
}
} [Steve runs over to his disassembled DEC and begins fiddling with the
} wires. Suddenly he's transported to the other body.]
}
} Steve (in other body): "Pound yourself! POUND YOURSELF! Do it! I SAID
} DO IT! Yes! Harder! HARDER! I DON'T CARE IF IT HURTS! HARDER!"
}
} Other body: "Ouch! Yeooow! Why are you doing this to me? I'm just an
} actor! I don't know what's going on! Ouch! Owwww!"
}
} COMING SOON TO THEATERS NEAR YOU: "INCARNATING JOHN MALKOVICH"


1171-10    (9hjk8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Oracular Being:
> What credence do you give to horoscopes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nothing, but balderdash. You want to know the future
} you ask The Oracle. You want nonsense, read your horoscope.
}
} Here, look at this drivel in today's paper:
}
} Airhead
} (Mar. 21- April 20)
} You, like, whoa... wait a minute.
}
} Largeass
} (Apr. 21- may 21)
} Today's accent is on food, again. Eat, Eat, Eat. Donuts are where
} find them. Think adding to your secret stash of Twinkies. Girls,
} remember boys like boobs and boobs are just lumps of fat. Get
} popular, get bigger! Guys, yeech! You make people sick, no more
} beer for you Mr. Belly the Size of Detroit.
}
} Lemureye
} (May 22-June 21)
} Your time has passed. Yet your memory persists. Don't worry, with
} some fake ID and a move to a new city it will take them years for
} them to catch up with you.
}
} Melanoma
} (June 22-July 22)
} You will change shape and appearance. Then you'll get zapped by a
} laser beam. Ironic huh, light begat you, light kills you. Tough.
}
} GEO
} (July 23-Aug 22)
} Finding a parking spot will be tough at the mall on Saturday.
} Watch out for shopping carts! Be miserly with that gas and you'll
} win a friend. Remember, red means STOP!
}
} FORMERVIRGIN
} (Aug. 23 -Sept. 23)
} It's the next day and SURPRISE! He doesn't respect you. And you
} feel icky inside. Douche. Soon you'll get phone calls from the
} others on the football team. In the meantime run up and down
} stairs a lot and drink weird herbal teas.
}
} ZEBRA
} (Sept. 24 -Oct. 23)
} Red is you! All over. Buy a LINUX mascot doll. Say hi to a nun.
} Watch out for cops. Learn to play the piano. Wear golf shoes.
}
} SCRIPTTOGO
} (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
} Rewrite that novel for the ghost. Hammer out a synopsis.
} Keep it simple SCRIPTTOGO. Don't be late again for your
} waiter job.
}
} SAGE
} (Nov. 23 -Dec. 21)
} Keep incarnating. Call up radio talk shows to correct the points
} made by the previous caller. Win at Trivial Pursuits, again.
}
} CRAPANDCORNY
} (Dec 22.- Jan. 20)
} Try and let a day go by with out whining. No one wants to hear
} about your 'unit' or your lame urban legends. Don't say 'Don't
} call me Shirley' at work anymore if you want to stay employed,
} it's not funny. No, it's not a conspiracy. Grow up.
}
} AQUARIUM
} (Jan. 21 -Feb. 19)
} Swim around the pirate ship, thru the coral arch and back.
} Repeat.
}
} PIES
} (Feb. 20-Mar. 20)
} The apple of your eye, your little 'pumpkin' wants a bigger
} slice of the action. Talk about it over ice cream and a cup
} of joe.


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