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Internet Oracularities #1172

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1172, 1172-01, 1172-02, 1172-03, 1172-04, 1172-05, 1172-06, 1172-07, 1172-08, 1172-09, 1172-10


Internet Oracularities #1172    (69 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 09:21:00 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1172
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1172  69 votes 6iqc7 6euc7 gri62 cdu86 1ahre 8bsac 4iqba 2fsea bhnb7 eiig3
1172  2.9 mean  2.9   3.0   2.3   2.8   3.6   3.1   3.1   3.2   2.8   2.7


1172-01    (6iqc7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Highly esteemed Oracle, nothing is of greater significance or
> importance than you!
>
> If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does a banana a
> day do? Or a good pair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A banana a day drives the women wild, while a good pair will do the
} same for men.
}
} You owe the Oracle less apples, more melons.


1172-02    (6euc7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> raclemostwisewhoknowshowtotelekineticallytypemykeyboardseemstohavelostal
> lthekeysbesidestheletterswhatshouldido

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle observes that prices for new keyboards range from
} $45 (deluxe models) to $2 (economy models). But perhaps you've grown
} attached to your keyboard (a la SuperGlue) and would prefer not to
} replace it. In that case you'll have to persue replacement keys. You
} probably already have more than you realize; for instance, check your
} pocket for a home key. You can continue your search outdoors:
}
} * Start by visiting some of the pubs in Cape Kennedy. There you can fix
}   your biggest problem: spaces between words. (Get it? "Space Bar"?)
}
} * Watch any politician long enough to catch a speech both before and
}   after a public opinion poll has been taken. Be careful, because
}   this much shift can give you whiplash.
}
} * Go to your dentist and ask for some of the glue used to keep tooth
}   caps in place. I've found Caps Glue to be almost as useful as the
}   Caps Lock.
}
} * For a quote, visit your local library. You should find a variety
}   of quotes from Mark Twain, Dr. Seuss, Charles Dickens, R. L. Stein,
}   Stephen King, and literally dozens of other "famous writers."
}
} * For a question mark, send E-mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the
}   subject line "askme." You'll have a question within a few minutes.
}   Repeat until you get a question from Mark.
}
} * A sporting goods store can be a fine place to get a slash. You can
}   also pick up a supply of bullets; while these don't go directly on
}   your keyboard, you're sure to need a supply of them.
}
} * For a colen, visit your local hospital. For a semicolen, look for
}   ulcer patients.
}
} And so on. I'm sure you can figure out how to get an Escape key
} (watch a prison movie), an Alt key (San Francisco), etc. Unfortunately,
} the only way to get the F-keys is to visit France. And by the way,
} the French don't know what the F-keys are good for either.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new mouse and mousepad. Damn this thing!


1172-03    (gri62 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hated, *hated*, *HATED*, that answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, then you shouldn't have asked who was going to win.
}
} Top 10 Reasons Greg Will Survive
} 10. Show tunes are better than cards on a rainy night
}  9. The love shack method of alliance building
}  8. Able to get outside help on coconut phone
}  7. With Ivy League education can tell the difference
}     between a knife and a can opener
}  6. Ability to commune with nature will allow him to
}     rally large lizards around him in final immunity
}     challenge
}  5. Learned a valuable lesson from Gervase on how to
}     get someone else to take the fall for your actions
}  4. Late night study sessions of Machiavelli, Nietzsche
}     and Sun Tzu finally pay off
}  3. Complex name will force Susan to vote Rude off the
}     island instead of embarrassing herself by mispelling
}     Grrag
}  2. Sean's sexual confusion after being hit on by Richard
}     will cause him to fixate on Greg
}
} and
}
}  1. Proficiency with short sword and shield will pay off
}     in final death match
}
} You owe the Oracle the original 936 hours of footage.


1172-04    (cdu86 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You don't say.


1172-05    (1ahre dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear omnipetant, all knowing, wise one, I really suck at mathematics,
> but I seriously need to pass a test so I can continue my education,
> I study like a dog, But I still have problems, Do you have any advice
> for me, great illustrious one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A dog?
}
} The Oracle likes dogs, and cats, yes, yes cat people The Oracle
} likes them too!, but well gentle supplicant you need to start
} thinking more along the lines of studying like a human.
}
} Here look at these examples:
}
} Intro to Astronomy Class midterm approaches:
}
}   Dog: howl at moon
} Human: Memorize mnemonics to HR-diagram, learn Kepler's laws,
}        know your altazimuth system from your black hole/
}        radiation background
}   Cat: Stay out all night fighting and mating
}
} Geology test:
}
}   Dog: bury odd objects in yard
} Human: stalagTIGHT hangs from ceiling, stalagMIGHT tries with
}        all its might to reach ceiling, Tertiary Igneous Activity
}        goes with the Central Granite, Mesozoic Sedimentary
}        goes with fossils, write compare contrast notes..
}   Cat: bury poop
}
} Ancient History final:
}
}   Dog: Try and remember what they just ate
} Human: make venns of Carthage & Rome, Assyria and
}        Sumeria, Egypt and Greece to start with then
}        reshuffle names and start over
}   Cat: Never forgive the humans for that time they
}        tried to give you a bath
}
} Math quiz: (take heed supplicant!)
}
}   Dog: Bark X number of times until told to shut up.
} Human: Please Excuse my dead aunt smelling, be able to
}        plot any equation, know your slide rule
}   Cat: number of times petted is always x - 1 of
}        optimum times
}
} CS 101:
}
}   Dog: cock head to one side and look puzzled every time
}        your hear the cd-rom drawer open
} Human: write own equivalents of basic UNIX tools
}        grep, ls, who in perl, master vi, know
}        awk and when to use sed instead
}   Cat: jump up and try and lay on keyboard at crucial
}        point in Quake 3 team DM losing your master that
}        one killer frag that costs his team the level
}
} You owe the Oracle a mongoose. And send me one more mongoose
} while your at it.


1172-06    (8bsac dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where does my E-mail go before it reaches you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ The Oracle is on a huge steel catwalk above a crowded factory
}   floor, below him countless men and women are scurrying purposefully
}   about huge noisy machinery. The Oracle is wearing a yellow hard hat,
}   a dark blue jump suit and steel toed boots. He has to yell to be
}   heard above the noise of the work that is beneath him. ]
}
} Orrie: This where questions from the queue end up! Below me each
}        and every askme, each and every tellme is being pre-sorted by
}        machines then hand sorted by trained graduates of P.U.!
}        Each message has its wit weighted, mirth measured and glee
}        graded along with a precautionary scanning for explosive
}        devices, injokes and lice! Here, let me show you something
}        we are quite proud of!
}
} [ The Oracle walks over to a huge churning vat of a machine that
}   is tended by two grim men and a hippie. ]
}
} Orrie: Ever wonder what happens to the gazillons of ascii char-
}        acters in all the headers of all the emails we get here
}        each day? Well, few corporations do this, they just throw
}        those ascii characters into /dev/null thinking nothing of
}        it! Not so here! We are proud to say we recycle all those
}        ascii characters making useful drop shadows for web pages
}        through out this fine `Net of ours!
}
} [ The Oracle nods at the two men and gives a thumbs up to the
}   hippie who flashes the Oracle a peace sign. ]
}
} Oracle: Oh sure it's a lot of work. But damn it, We Care About
}         the Internet!
}
} [ The factory suddenly falls silent. The workers all look up at
}   the Oracle and start humming softly.]
}
} Oracle: It's only when we all work together that we can make the
}         Web a place we'll be proud to leave to somebody else's
}         children.
}
} [ A skylight above the Oracle opens and sunlight bursts in as
}   a flock of doves and more than a few rather ratty looking
}   seagulls fly up and out of the factory into the blue sky above.
}   The workers all burst into song! ]
}
} All: We are the Internet!
}      We work for Orrie!
}      And we're making this a better `Net for you to play in!
}
} [ Camera pulls away rapidly to show the entire world! ]
}
} Oracle: The Internet Oracle is proud to be a Netizen.
}         And we couldn't have done it without you.
}         Good Night Austin Texas wherever you are!


1172-07    (4iqba dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What newspaper headlines would cause the most panic in the world's
> population?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top Ten Newspaper Headlines That Would Cause The Greatest Panic The
} World Has Ever Known
}
} 10. Giant squid buys CBS network for undisclosed figure; changes format
}     to 24-7 Kathy Lee G.
}
}  9. National Enquirer reporters discovered to be bizarre aliens from
}     the planet Grygglspx.
}
}  8. As If.
}
}  7. Exciting New Cure For Rectal Cancer: Live Gerbils!
}
}  6. Madonna Discovered To Be Source Of Mysterious New Strain Of Herpes.
}
}  5. Genetically altered vegetables now capable of rudimentary speech.
}
}  4. George W. Bush Re-elected for record fourth term.
}
}  3. Happy Fun Meteor Streaking Toward Earth Ball (translated from the
}     original Japanese).
}
}  2. New advances in biotechnology allow anyone to look like comedian
}     Carrottop.
}
}  1. J. K. Rowling's 87th Harry Potter book due in stores by September:
}     "Harry Potter and the Ponderous Pedophiliac."


1172-08    (2fsea dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise of all entities.
> This morning I found a vial of liquid. While I was careful not to
> ingest any, I did open the vial and take a whiff. It was farmquot
> flatsgnarl fremington fwentest facetly fwez. Fwint furder fopplenent
> fontergen fwepple?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Welcome to the new Microsoft Poison Control Center. Your satisfaction
} is very important to us, so your call may be monitored by a member of
} our management who has better things to do with his time than listen in
} on support calls, but he's salaried and really doesn't give a flying
} squid.
}
} "If you know the five-digit poison code of the poison you've ingested,
} press '1.' If you're not sure which five-digit poison code I'm talking
} about, press '2' for a 25-minute recording detailing the location of
} the poison code, the URL of the website explaining what store locations
} will provide you with a handy 78-page pamphlet containing most of the
} five-digit poison codes, and a short history of poison codes in
} general. If you think you've already expired, press '3.' If you enjoy
} pressing telephone buttons, press '4' repeatedly. To find out what the
} cafeteria at the Redmond campus is serving today, press '5.' Herpes
} sufferers may experience side effects from the use of the Microsoft
} Poison Control Center. If you think this may be the case, press '6' and
} you will be transferred to a herpes-compliant messaging system. Do you
} feel lucky, punk? Well, do you? Then, press '7.' At any time during
} this session, press '9' to hear this menu repeat, not that you'd want
} to or anything. Pressing '0' will not connect you to an operator.
} Cutbacks, you know."
}
} <1>
}
} "Please enter your five-digit poison code now."
}
} <72530>
}
} "That five-digit poison code is not in our database. Please try again."
}
} <90120>
}
} "That five-digit poison code is not in our database. Please try again."
}
} <OU812>
}
} "That five-digit poison code is not in our database. Please try again."
}
} <26719>
}
} "That five-digit poison code is in our database, but we don't think
} there's anything you'll be able to do to correct the problem. You may
} try rebooting your telephone and trying this call again."
}
} <8>
}
} "Did you see an '8' anywhere on the menu? Just for that, I'll repeat it
} for you. Geez, you stupid phone users. Ahem. If you know the five-digit
} poison code of the poison you've ingested, press '1.' If you're not
} sure which five-digit poison code I'm talking about, press '2' for a
} 25-minu..."
}
} <click>
}
} You owe the Oracle a little 38202 to make this all go away.


1172-09    (bhnb7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most clear of water,
> have you ever seen the rain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I bet you wanna know, don't you O fortunate son?
}
} I was born on the bayou where it used to rain a great deal.  As I grew
} older, I hung out down on the corner where my travelling band played.
} When it rained, my friends would stay and listen to us play.  Even when
} a bad moon was rising, Proud Mary, Susie Q... They all saw the rain....
} In fact, one time they said to me, "Hey tonight, let's cause a
} commotion and go see the rain down on Green River!".  As we were going
} there, I looked out my back door and realized we'd have to run through
} the jungle as long as I could see the light.  Not a good idea.
}
} Anyway, to answer your question...  It doesn't matter whether or not
} I've seen the rain.  What you really need to ask is, "Who'll stop the
} rain?"
}
} You owe the Oracle the definition of a Lodi.


1172-10    (eiig3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  __________________________________________________
>  Do You Yahoo!?
>  Get Yahoo! Mail M-q Free email you can access from anywhere!
>  http://mail.yahoo.com/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You realize, of course, that when you allow your webmail sig to do your
} talking for you, you're bound to get yourself into a whole mess of
} trouble. As a helpful caveat, I'd like to share a few examples I've
} come across in my many years answering questions for the masses.
} -=====-
}
} Subject: Answer #Qg12345, the Oracle politely requests an answer to
}          associate with this well-thought-out question.
}    Date: Wed, 11 Sep 1969 19:12:32 -0500 (EST)
}    From: The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
}
} The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
} > Oh, man, I just took some blue pills and now I'm coughing
} > up blood. What should I do?!
} >
} > __________________________________________________
} > Do You Narc on your fellow hippies, man?
} > Get PigMail M-q Free email you can rat out your high school
} > classmates with!      http://www.pigmail.com/
} -=====-
}
} Subject: Answer #Qu20i4c, the Oracle wants an answer to this
}          question. Now!
}    Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1978 01:21:01 -0500 (EST)
}    From: The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
}
} The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
} > I've been beating the hell out of my submissive for hours
} > now, and he keeps saying the word "fluffybuns" in a strained
} > manner. Was this our safe word?
} >
} > __________________________________________________
} > Do You Want To Buy A Duck?
} > Get CowMail M-q Free email you can impress your nearest
} > neighbor, three miles away, with.  http://www.cowmail.com/
} -=====-
}
} Subject: Answer #QQQQqQQ, the Oracle would be down with an
}          answer to get jiggy with this question.
}    Date: Sat, 2 May 1988 08:26:09 -0500 (EST)
}    From: The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
}
} The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
} > My giant squid's got herpes.
} >
} > Is there a cure?
} >
} > __________________________________________________
} > Do You Believe This Guy? What A Maroon!
} > Get SarcastiMail M-q Free email with an edge.
} > http://www.sarcastimail.com/biteme
}
} You owe the Oracle a clever parody of "Match Game PM."


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