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Internet Oracularities #1174

Goto:
1174, 1174-01, 1174-02, 1174-03, 1174-04, 1174-05, 1174-06, 1174-07, 1174-08, 1174-09, 1174-10


Internet Oracularities #1174    (73 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000 08:23:06 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1174
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1174  73 votes ann7a 4gpl7 7tmd2 4jqh7 2jln8 5asic 6cxe8 2btq5 47akw 46his
1174  3.2 mean  2.8   3.2   2.6   3.1   3.2   3.3   3.1   3.3   3.9   3.8


1174-01    (ann7a dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> + Evils nag apart, Lunacy a war! A few erases...
>   Are we faraway? Can Ultra pagans live?
>
> + Cigar? Toss it in a can! It is so tragic.
>
> + Sh! Tom sees moths!
>
> + Was it a rat I saw?
>
> + No, Miss. It is Simon.
>
> + Was it a car or a cat I saw?
>
> + Mad am I Madam?
>
> + Nurses run.
>
> + Bosses S.O.B.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} AHHHHHHHHA!
}
} I did, did I?
}
} He did, eh?
}
} Dammit, I'm mad!
}
} The Oracle is owed de wosiel caro. Eh, T?


1174-02    (4gpl7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle, whose toenail clippings I am unworthy to vacuum, please
>  spare a kernal of wisdom for your ignorant supplicant.
>
>  Could you please tell me what I look like?  Everytime I look in a
>  mirror it cracks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure.  You look pretty much like this:
}
}                 \/
}          \  _    \       \      |
}           \/ \    \      |     /
}           /   \    \     |  __/
}          /     \---*-----++/
}         /\                /
}        /  \_____       \_/
}
} You owe the Oracle a new monitor.


1174-03    (7tmd2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the significance of 42 in relation to Pi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 42 / 3.14 = 13.38
} 13.38 * 42 = 561.96
} trunc(561.96) = 561
} 5 + 6 + 1 = 12
} 1 + 2 = 3
} 3 * 3.14 = 9.42
} 9.42 + 42 = 51.42
} reverse digits = 24.15
} 24.15 - cost of haircut = 14.15
} 14.15 + 0.0016 = 14.1516
} 14.1516 - lifespan of goldfish in minutes = 12.13
} 12.13 + hours spent playing Diablo 2 = 57.8
} 57.8 - 3.14 = 54.66
} 54.66 - number of Wolverine's claws = 48.66
} 48.66 - 6.66 = 42
} 42 / 3.14 = 13.38
} 13.38 * 42 = 561.96
} trunc(561.96) = 561
} 5 + 6 + 1 = 12
} 1 + 2 = 3
} 3 * 3.14 = 9.42
} 9.42 + 42 = 51.42
}
} aargh... repeating deceptables...
}
} You owe the Oracle a new calculator, one that
} can handle goldfish better.


1174-04    (4jqh7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Oracle most grand - why does the DC Metro system suck more
> than any other public transportation system in any major city besides
> Atlanta, and why is it the most expensive!?
>
> Oh, and why can't I live in Boston?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're going about it all wrong.  You know those lights on the edge of
} the platform that supposedly get brighter the closer a train is to the
} station? Stare into one of them.  Look closer.  Closer.
} Clo-o-o-o-o-ser...
}
} There, you see?  It's not bad at all.  You enjoy the long, slow
} escalator ride behind the dense pack of gaping tourists because it
} gives you plenty of time to think.  The turnstiles never fail to read
} your card correctly and deduct the proper fare, which you feel is a
} completely reasonable price, because you didn't need that dental
} checkup anyway.  You love the dark "semicircular waffle iron"
} architectural motif of all the underground stations.  And the fact that
} they all look exactly the same means there are no jarring surprises
} during your commute!  The only surprises are gentle ones, such as when
} you finally figure out what that substance is that's been ground into
} the carpet under your feet.  Yes, you now have five favorite colors,
} and they are Red, Yellow, Orange, Blue, and assuming they ever finish
} the construction that's been going on since the days of Pierre
} L'Enfant, Green.
}
} Boston, on the other hand, ew, what a nasty place.  At any moment, the
} subway tunnels could collapse and cause you to drown in not just water,
} but that icky Boston Harbor water.  And what kind of a system can you
} run for an 85-cent fare?  They must have to skimp on all the extras.
} Why, some of their trains get their electricity from ugly overhead
} wires, not a warm and soothing third rail.  And then they have to go
} right out on the street, where they could hit a car or worse at any
} moment.  So just relax, sit back, close your eyes, and enjoy the
} never-ending ride you're being taken on by the Washington Metropolitan
} Area Transportation Authority...the governmental body with the happy
} difference.
}
} Meanwhile, you owe this Southern California-dwelling incarnation of the
} Oracle residence in an alternate universe where the Los Angeles subway
} system is of comparable size to the New York subway system.


1174-05    (2jln8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Magnificent Oracle whose every word is teeming  with purpose,
>
> Did life really originate in the sea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} It was with some sense of dread that I read your pleading.
}
} Until this instant humankind has been blissfully unaware of the
} true origin of Earth life, smugly patting themselves on the back for
} 'discovering' that life evolved in the sea.
}
} However...what they failed to realise was that for the last 200 years
} I have been sending subconscious messages to the Earths' greatest
} minds (now there's a contradiction!) regarding the origin of life.
} Oh, they got the message alright, there was just one small (ahem)
} problem...that of interpretation.
}
} They heard 'sea', when what I actually meant 'C'.  Of course since
} then Life Evolution Tools have been upgraded to C++, with a Java
} version currently undergoing beta testing.
}
} I trust this sorted the matter out.
}
} BTW please don't ask me about 'space' - having to tell you about the
} giant keyboard would be upsetting for everyone.


1174-06    (5asic dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh, Oracle most wise, who knows everything forwards and backwards,
>  please answer this inquiry.
>
>  Since we missed 1991, and the next one won't come around for another
>  110 years, what do we need to do to get 2002 declared the year of the
>  palindrome?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. Buy a Senator. If you can manage to find a good garage sale, you
} may be able to buy a few.
}
} 2. If it's a Model XGHJ1997-A, -B, or -C, open the compartment on the
} back and look for the "pork" module. The board should have a pinkish
} tint to it and have several yellow wires coming off it.
}
} 3. Locate the 8-pins with a jumper in the following position:
}
}    * * Top
}    * *
}    * *
}    X-X Bottom
}
}    and move the jumper thusly:
}
}    * * Top
}    X-X
}    * *
}    * * Bottom
}
} 4. Next you'll have to cut the small wire leading from the small
} morals chip in the 2nd quadrant of the motherboard to the speech
} module. He may stutter a bit at first, but the AI circuitry should
} adapt within 3-5 days.
}
} 5. Press the reset button in the 3rd quadrant of the motherboard and
} close him up. There may be some sparking, but that is normal. Some
} models before 1995 have been known to slaughter some neighborhood pets
} due to an error in the machine's "God" module, but if you keep those
} pets safely indoors for two weeks, this danger should pass.
}
} 6. One evening, while your senator is serving you dinner, casually
} bring up the subject of making 2002 the Year of the Palindrome. If
} you've performed these steps I've laid out properly and in the correct
} sequence, the wheels of government will have been set in motion by
} now.
}
} Note To Those Users Who Are Concerned They May Be Violating Their
} Service Warranty: Relax. The warranty on any model before 1998 will
} have already run out by now. Do the math.
}
} Note To Those Users Who Are Concerned With The Ramifications Of Making
} 2002 The Year Of The Palindrome: PRO-The government may give you the
} whole year off. CON-You'll only be able to write and speak words that
} are spelled the same way forward and backward, leading to a new
} dictionary that adds 2,791 palindromes to the English language.
}
} Ewe owo ethte Oraclelcaro a 2002 wordrow essayasse ono radar.


1174-07    (6cxe8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most kosher, please pause from one of your labors and
> answer my polite scream for insight,
>
> We want to name our school football team after you sir.
>
> What should we call ourselves? What should our mascot be?
> Could you come up with a cheer for us?
>
> Thank you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, well, well...
}
} Irony of ironies, I, the quintessential icon of geekdom, will now have
} a football team named after me.
}
} What next?  Jerry Falwell's own girlie magazine?  Yasser Arafat's own
} synagogue?  Regis Philbin's own game show?  Oh wait, they tried that
} one.
}
} Well, as for names, the Oracles springs most readily to mind, except
} that, first of all, that's a damn stupid name for a football team, and
} second of all, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE ORACLE, AND THAT ORACLE IS ME!
} Understood?
}
} The Priests?  Eh, I don't think the guys would dig being associated
} with a bunch of pale, celibate old men in dresses...
}
} The Incarnations?  Too long and hard to spell, we don't want to confuse
} the jocks...
}
} The Zots?  Now, that's good, nice and aggressive, while still
} associated with the whole Oracle mystique... Only the name just begs
} for a Freudian slip misspelling.  These are teenagers.
}
} Oh, let's just skip to my core group of worshipers...
}
} The Geeks!  Now there's a catchy name, obvious imagery for the mascot,
} and it does strike fear into people's hearts.  (Just get the opposing
} team's cheerleaders to imagine dating one, and their hearts will sink
} too low for any school spirit or perkiness to escape, thus sending the
} team into a deep depression and winning you the game!)
}
} Hmm... football jocks wouldn't like being called geeks?  Well, screw
} 'em! Dump 'em all, and replace them with my loyal computer science
} devotees!  You heard me!  You want my support for your team, those are
} my terms!  Don't worry about their lack of muscle, endurance, skill, or
} team spirit--you don't need any of that crap, not with my divine
} interventions coming in.  (Can you say crispy quarterback?  Or
} lightning-broiled linebacker?)  And you can forget the cheer...  Coming
} within twenty feet of a cheerleader would probably make those guys go
} into a dead faint.  You can just send your cheerleaders to me, thanks.
} They can, ahem, help out around the house when Lisa's out.
}
} You owe the Oracle this year's State Championship.  I've got a
} reputation to protect here!


1174-08    (2btq5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All bow before The Wise Oracle who is willing to admit that he may
> not always be right, but that he is never wrong.
>
> Why do people prefer legend to reality?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's all in the way they're packaged. Legend has delicious
} sounding flavours like "King Arthur's Excalibur Vanilla" and
} "Robin Hood's Rocky Road Arrow" whereas Reality packaged for
} a more fringe market with flavours like "Pain & Suffering
} Strawberry" and "This Chocolate Sucks". Plus, Legend has
} always focused on more exotic sounding names like "Hawaiian
} Tropical Paradise" compared to Reality's more bleak "Trailer
} Park Trash Crash". And while Reality comes in almost as
} many flavours as Legend, it's hard for "Lost My Job Java"
} to compete with "Oracles and Ogs Orange Sherbert".
}
} You owe the Oracle a tub of "This Chocolate Sucks". It's
} actually quite good... honest.


1174-09    (47akw dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most allegedly wise and supposedly witty,
>
> I've been corresponding with you quite some time now, and I've answered
> lots of questions for you, and, if I do say so myself, I've always been
> pretty damn wise and witty.
>
> But every time I've ventured to send you a tellme, all I've ever gotten
> are lousy responses with not one iota of wisdom or wittiness to your
> name!
>
> I'm not looking for a ZOT, here, but could you just tell me why so many
> of your Incarnations seem to lack the Oracular touch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fear not my faithful incarnation, for tonight you will be visited by
} spirits three.
}
} I know, I know, I wanted Michael Caine and Christopher Reeve to reprise
} their roles from "Deathtrap," and answer your question in a
} dance-filled musical number with Vegas showgirls twirling Reeve around
} in his wheelchair, but on such short notice I was lucky to get the
} priests to agree to a a parody of "A Christmas Carol." Anyhoo, have a
} good night. I'm off to St. Andrews for the All Deities Invitational.
}
} > Can't we chalk this up to a bit of bad potato
} > and just pretend I got another lame answer?
}
} No, I'm afraid not. I've already paid for the costumes.
}
} > Ok, then. Good luck in the tournie.
}
} Thanks! I'll bring you a snowglobe.
}
} <pfsht! The Oracle disappears>
}
} <After a moment, the Oracle fades back in>
}
} Oh, I forgot, expect the first ghost when the bell tolls
} ooooooooooone....... ooOOOOoooOOOhhh!
}
} <the Oracle fades out again>
}
} <cut to 12:59. The supplicant is lying in bed, peering over the top of
} the covers, which he has pulled tightly up to his nose. Suddenly, the
} clock chimes out one lonely, echoing gong>
}
} <Poof! Julianna Avedon, dressed in a thin, sprightly white dress, with
} a pipe-cleaner halo and great, big, fake wings, appears in the room in
} a cloud of smoke>
}
} > Hubba hubba.
}
} Julsy: Shut up. Let's get this over with. <looking at her copy of the
} script> I am the ghost of Digests past, blahbetty blah blah blah.
} <throwing the script over her shoulder> You know the speil. Let's go.
}
} <The supplicant takes Julianna's hand and they fade through a wall.
} They reappear moments later in a darkened room. A young man sits at a
} 286, typing furiously>
}
} > Who's that?
}
} Julsy: That's Peter Grap. He's typing the answer that will be digested
} as #22-01.
}
} <Supplicant reads over Peter's shoulder>
}
} > Oof. That stinks. Peter! There's no grovel!
} > Punish him for no grovel! And you forgot to
} > include a tribute! Don't hit... send. You hit
} > send.
}
} Julsy: He can't hear you.
}
} > I don't get it. That answer sucked.
}
} Julsy: Well, you're thinking about the "old days" as somehow being
} better than today.
}
} > So you're saying that supplicants always
} > sucked and that the material that gets to
} > the digests is the exception not the rule?
}
} Julsy: Exactly. Ok, time's up, let's go.
}
} <poof! Supplicant is back in his room. Suddenly, he's startled by Paul
} Kelly, who is quite startling wearing nothing but a fur-lined bathrobe>
}
} > Lemme guess, the ghost of Digests present.
}
} Paul: Yup, let's go.
}
} <Paul waves his hand and he and the supplicant reappear moments later
} in a darkened room. A young man sits at a K-6, typing furiously>
}
} > Is that Peter Grap?
}
} Paul: No. That's Steve-Q. He's writing the answer that will become
} #1175-04.
}
} <Supplicant reads over Steve-Q's shoulder>
}
} > Oof. That's worse than the answer Peter gave.
} > Ok, Paul, I don't get it.
}
} Paul: It's simple, really, there's such an overwhelming amount of crap,
} that we get lucky when we find funny answers. That's why the digests
} come out so far apart. Sometimes, it's down to a matter of just picking
} answers that stink less than the others. Every once in a while, really
} funny answers get lost in the cracks. Ok, we gotta split, you're late
} for the last ghost.
}
} <Paul waves his hand and the supplicant appears back in his room. A
} figure in a black cape and hood is standing, tapping his foot
} impatiently when he gets there>
}
} > Ok, ok, I'm sorry. Paul wouldn't stop yacking.
}
} <Slowly, the figure reaches his right arm up to reveal a Hook where the
} hand should be, then turns the Hook toward his left arm and taps his
} watch>
}
} > Hook? When did you become a priest?
}
} Hook: In 2003, when all the other priests quit in disgust after JIM's
} baboon/proctologist challenge to RHOD. Ok, lets go.
}
} <Hook waves his scythe and he and the supplicant appear later in a
} darkened room. A young man sits at a micro terminal, dictating an
} answer>
}
} Young man: *ZOT!*
}
} > You're kidding. Years from now they'll still
} > be giving *ZOT!* as an answer?
}
} Hook: No no no. Since I became priest, all plagiarized answers were
} banned. *ZOT!* is the only thing that can get into the digests without
} borrowing from another answer, so EVERY answer is a *ZOT!*
}
} > No spirit! This can't be! Please tell me this
} > is a future that *may* be! That the future is
} > not set in stone!
}
} <suddenly the supplicant appears back in his own bed. He rushes to the
} window and sticks his head out>
}
} > YOU! You there! Yes you! What day is it?
}
} Bum: You got change? Spare change? *hic*
}
} > Oh dammit.
}
} <Supplicant turns on CNN and finds it is still the year 2000>
}
} > I'm not too late! I can change the future! I will
} > be a great incarnation! I'll spread the word and
} > others will be great incarnations as well! We
} > *can* save the future of the Oracle!
}
} <Just then the Oracle walks out of the supplicant's closet carrying a
} bag of clubs>
}
} Hey. How'd it go?
}
} > Pretty good. And you?
}
} Not bad. Zeus kicked butt... again. Oh! Hey, here's your snowglobe.
}
} > Thanks man.
}
} See ya.
}
} > Catch ya later.
}
}
}
} And if you owe the Oracle anything, it's that you will be better than
} your word, that you will do it all and infinitely more. Because God
} help us, every one, if Hook becomes a priest.


1174-10    (46his dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> With all the stuff I need to get done, I could really use a 30-hour day
> instead of these piddling little 24-hour ones.  What are my chances?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to the Oracular Interplanetary Travel Agency!
}
} Here, we take our time to bring YOU, the harried, overworked supplicant
} to the planet that best suits your needs!  Take a look at our brochure!
} We've conveniently listed the pros and cons of each planet most likely
} to be relevant to your position...
}
} MERCURY
}
} Pros:
}
} - Each local day is almost sixty terrestrial days long!  You can lose
} ten pounds, initiate a short-term relationship, or learn a foreign
} language before lunch!
}
} Cons:
}
}  - The local year is only about one and a half local days long...
} Meaning tax day will come far too often for your liking.  As will
} having to send Christmas cards and the Miss Mercury pageant.
}
}  - There is no atmosphere, meaning actually speaking the foreign
} language will be difficult.
}
}  - The average temperature during the day is over 700 degrees
} Fahrenheit, meaning you'll probably lose those ten pounds really
} quickly, especially if you're a sunbather.
}
}  - The average temperature at night is under minus 300 degrees
} Fahrenheit, meaning you'll want those ten pounds back for insulation,
} if you survive that long.
}
}  - The planet is completely uninhabitable, so there's no one to start a
} long-term relationship with, assuming you survive long enough to worry
} about that sort of thing before either being reduced to a charred
} fragment of dead tissue (if you arrive during the day) or a frozen
} fragment of dead tissue (if you arrive at night).
}
} VENUS
}
} Pros:
}
}  - A whole two hundred forty-three terrestrial days per local day!
} That's right, from now on a school year will only take one day!
} Hallelujah!
}
} Cons:
}
}  - The local year is actually shorter than the local day, meaning
} you'll have to spend a lot of money buying new calendars.
}
}  - The atmosphere is deadly toxic sulfur fumes, which makes sitting in
} class just that much more annoying.  (And you thought sitting next to
} "Sweaty" Sullivan was bad...)
}
}  - The planet is completely obscured by clouds of deadly sulfuric acid,
} so you'll have a hard time getting home for the holidays.
}
}  - The above fact means the planet is constantly plunged in darkness,
} making life difficult for people who enjoy stargazing, sunbathing,
} reading, walking around, etc.
}
}  - The temperature is over 840 degrees Fahrenheit, so summer vacation
} will become that much less appealing.  Not that there are seasons, or
} anything...
}
}  - You think your classroom's stuffy?  The greenhouse effect makes this
} planet the hottest planet in the whole friggin' Solar System, over 840
} degrees Fahrenheit.
}
}  - The planet is completely uninhabitable, so higher education won't do
} you much good here.  No matter what your degree, there are few
} high-paying jobs for fried, poisoned, acid-burned carcasses.
}
} THE MOON
}
} Pros:
}
}  - The day is about the same as a terrestrial month, which is why the
} Moon always has the same face turned toward Earth.  Not only does this
} mean you can keep in touch with everyone much more easily, but you can
} head over to the other side when you wanna be alone for a while.  Plus,
} now every day is payday!
}
} Cons:
}
}  - During the day, it's boiling hot, literally, over 200 degrees at
} night, it's less than minus 200 degrees Fahrenheit, not too fun no
} matter which shift you work.
}
}  - The gravity is less than a sixth of Earth's, which is all very fun
} in the beginning (remember all those Apollo guys' antics?) but it gets
} kind of frustrating bouncing halfway across the landscape every time
} you take a step.
}  And you may be losing weight, but you won't actually look any
} different.  (Well, except that you're turning all blue from oxygen loss
} and your skin's puckering from the radiation burns, but that's a
} different con.)
}
}  - There's absolutely no atmosphere at all, which, while a big con for
} a restaurant, is an even bigger one for a planet (or satellite, which
} is what the Moon technically is, all right, you picky people?)
} Likewise, no water, unless you can find that crater those news people
} got so excited about.  Air and water are not only vital working
} conditions that any self-respecting union will demand for its members,
} they are also vital to ensuring that you remain, well, vital.  This is
} why there are no unions, as yet, for Moon labor.
}
}  - Frankly, the place is completely uninhabitable.  (Noticing a trend?)
} The only reason people came here at all was for a big publicity stunt
} that probably won't benefit you much unless you're a Congressman with
} big interests in the space program.  If you are, then go right ahead!
} Sure beats having more of you guys on Earth...
}
} MARS
}
} Pros:
}
}  - The local day is just about the same as a terrestrial day, except
} there's an extra half-hour every day!  Perfect for watching an extra
} episode of Seinfeld, or playing one more game of Horse before having to
} head home.
}
} Cons:
}
}  - The year is nearly twice as long as a terrestrial year, meaning it
} can really drag by sometimes.  Mars has seasons, so you'll have to
} spend that much longer waiting for the spring.
}
}  - The temperature is freezing even in the day, and gets down below 200
} degrees at night, making it a less than ideal spot to play basketball.
}
}  - The planet is regularly racked by huge, sweeping dust storms, making
} it less than ideal for ANY outdoor sport, or for watching TV.
}
}  - While there are sources of water near the poles, they are mixed with
} dry ice, which tends to burn rather badly when you stick it in your
} mouth.  Not the kind of thing you want to worry about after a sweaty
} game.
}
}  - The atmosphere is a nearly nonexistent layer of carbon dioxide,
} making it kind of hard to catch your breath after a long game, or a
} particularly hilarious Kramer moment.
}
}  - The gravity here is less than half that of Earth, which might
} improve your jump shot, but, on the other hand, is more likely to make
} it nearly impossible for you to walk normally and will eventually
} weaken your bones and muscles to the point when going back into Earth
} gravity would kill you.  Not a great way to stay in shape.
}
}  - Though not completely uninhabitable, surviving out here would be
} danged difficult, and most of us wouldn't want to try without a
} several-billion-dollar NASA budget behind us.  Since you already have
} so much to do, obtaining one of those might be... difficult.  You'd
} have a hard time getting a partner for Horse, and I don't think Mission
} Control would go for spending millions of dollars to transmit Seinfeld
} to you.  Not even the last episode.
}
} JUPITER
}
} Pros:
}
}  - Well, the day is only about ten hours long, which may seem like a
} bad thing for someone with your schedule, but actually it means that
} you'll have many more days in a year to get things done in!  Because a
} local year is about twelve terrestrial years, meaning that your kids
} will be halfway to college when they're only a year old!  And with
} nearly 44,000 days in every year, think how long you can stretch your
} vacation time!  And think how long it will be between tax days...
}
} Cons:
}
}  - The gravity is over twice that of Earth's, so it'll be a real drag
} running around having to do everything all year.  Keep in mind, though,
} that while you've gained weight, you won't actually look any different
} (except for being ripped and blasted into a fine mist of atoms, but
} that's a different con.)
}
}  - The planet doesn't really have a surface, in fact, it's a big, mushy
} mass of gooey liquids and gases.  Sounds like it'd be fun living in a
} big swimming pool or mud hole?  Maybe, except it ain't water, but
} compressed hydrogen, methane, and other stuff.  Kind of like the stuff
} you find in a swamp or a giant fart, only under such high pressure it's
} liquid.  Not too appealing a place to raise your kids.
}
}  - About that pressure.  Towards the center of Jupiter, hydrogen is
} actually turned into a metal, that's right, a metal by the forces
} there.  Imagine what it'd do to a human body.  That's right, you'd slim
} down a whole lot, in fact, be squashed into a teeny-weeny ball of
} barely recognizable organic compounds, if not for the tidal forces (ask
} a physics guru) that would rip you into a fine mist of organic
} compounds first that will quickly dissolve in the roiling maelstrom of
} whirling gases.  So you really wouldn't have that much time to put your
} kids through college; in fact, you'd have to work pretty fast to have
} kids at all.
}
}  - Did your mother warn you not to sit too close to the TV screen?
} Well, the menacing power output of a CRT is nothing compared to the
} intense Van Allen belts Jupiter's got.  We're talking more radiation
} than a nuke test, here. If you ever did have kids, I wouldn't even
} wanna see their birth defects. Assuming they survived at all, or you
} survived long enough to have kids, and were able to find someone else
} stupid enough to come along with you to have kids here, in which case I
} doubt I want the two of you in my gene pool in the first place.
}
}  - The Perfect Storm, in fact, has nothing to do with Tom Hanks,
} Massachusetts fishermen, or big Hollywood blockbusters.  You want a
} storm? The Great Red Spot ain't no 7-Up gimmick, it's in fact a
} hurricane big enough to swallow the planet Earth, and quite easily rip
} any puny human into a whiff of component atoms.  Assuming one of the
} other, smaller storms that make up the whole of Jupiter's surface
} didn't get you first.  Okay, so maybe it wouldn't be as painful as an
} IRS audit, but it would be more permanent.
}
}  - And heat?  If you lived on Jupiter, sunbathing would become
} irrelevant. Jupiter actually gives off more heat than it gets from the
} Sun; Sol would be just another star in the sky for you.  Because
} Jupiter can get as hot as 54,000 degrees.  Whoo!  If there's any reason
} to move air conditioning from "luxury" to "necessary utility" on a
} report form, it's this.
}
}  - So, needless to say, Jupiter is completely, totally uninhabitable.
} The very notion is silly.  Of course, so is this whole brochure, but
} you've probably caught onto that by now.  In fact, this whole spiel
} applies, to a lesser degree, to all the gas giants, so let's just skip
} them all, shall we? (Oh, and by the way, you can't live on Saturn's
} rings.  Since they're really a thin whirling band of tiny ice and dust
} particles, you'd slip right through them and be buffeted to death by
} the little projectiles.  If the vacuum didn't kill you first.  We wish
} we could be a more friendly travel agency, but hey, this is space.)
}
} PLUTO
}
} Pros:
}
}  - Well, thankfully, it's not a gas giant, so there's actually
} something to stand on.  A day here is almost a terrestrial week, which
} is nice.  You get to take weekends off every day!  Great for going
} golfing, and for catching all your favorite shows every day.
}
} Cons:
}
}  - The local year is about two hundred fifty Earth years.  Unless
} you're reeeaalllllyyy healthy (which is difficult, on Pluto), you'll
} never live to see another New Year's party in your life.  Think about
} it.
}
}  - Ahem.  No atmosphere.  Closest thing we've got is a few wisps of
} methane floating around...  And having that kind of atmosphere is kinda
} like going on a date with your sister.  I mean, it only counts in the
} smallest, most basic sense.  No one even knew it was there till they
} built the Hubble.  In fact, any sort of gas will probably just turn
} liquid right here.  Since you kind of need gases in the air to breathe,
} this is not good.  Think what golfing would be like... "Watch out for
} that oxygen trap!"  Hell, the surface is basically made of frozen AIR,
} for crying out loud, solid nitrogen!  Solid!  And sure, golfing is not
} the most strenuous sport, but you need to take a breath sometime...  Of
} course, you can wait for when Pluto crosses Neptune's orbit and warms
} up a tad and a few choice gases temporarily escape into the atmosphere,
} but don't you just hate having to schedule golf dates that way? Bad
} enough to wait for the weather to clear up, worse to wait for an
} atmosphere to breathe...
}
}  - Golfing is best on nice, balmy, sunny summer days.  It loses much of
} its charm on a planet so far away from the Sun that it's basically as
} close to being in interstellar space as you can get in our Solar System
} so that you're so close to absolute zero you can actually lean over and
} wave "Hi" to it, if your limbs hadn't turned to solidified icicles
} already and there were actually air to breathe and say "Hi" with, where
} you can't even tell where the friggin' Sun is without an astronomical
} chart.
}
}  - Gravity?  Ha!  Since no one's ever bothered to actually land on the
} thing, no one can tell us how much there is, but just by looking at it
} we can tell the thing's smaller than the Moon.  Be a real pain chasing
} golf balls like that...
}
}  - Basically, you guessed it, the planet is completely uninhabitable.
} More than that, no one's even taken good pictures of it yet; pretty
} hard for the probes to catch.  Not only does that make it hard to
} schedule a golf date there, it wouldn't be the best place to kick back
} for some TV viewing.  You think the time zone confusion from living in
} Central is bad?  Try getting all the shows five and a half hours late,
} cause that's how long it'd take for signals to reach you.  And they'd
} be all fuzzy and staticy too, which I hate.
}
} THE SUN
}
} Pros:
}
}  - Technically, the Sun takes 25 terrestrial days to make one rotation,
} so that's a "day".  But since the Sun IS the source of light in the
} Solar System, it's always day here!  That's right, you never have to go
} back inside at sunset again; it doesn't exist!  Haven't you ever wished
} the Sun could keep shining forever when you were at the beach?
} Sun-worshippers, this is your paradise!
}
} Cons:
}
}  - There ain't a real year, here, cause you're at the center of the
} Solar System.  But the Sun does make a revolution around the center of
} the Milky Way, which is sort of a year.  Unfortunately, that year is
} 225,000,000 terrestrial years long.  A long time between New Year's
} parties even for an immortal deity.  (Then again, you won't have to
} remember people's birthdays...)
}
}  - Ahem.  I'm assuming that even little kids know this, so I won't
} spell it out... Oh, heck, why not.  YOU'LL GET COMPLETELY
} INCINERATED!!!!  Geez, you thought gas giants were bad, this is an
} actual star, here!  Hell, even four-year-olds know that even SUPERMAN
} can't survive flying into the Sun, so how the hell do you, Mr./Ms.
} Pitiful Human Supplicant Who Can't Even Handle A Miniscule Daily
} Schedule, expect not to get dragged into the Sun by its incredible
} gravity and basically annihilated by the ten-thousand degree
} temperatures?!?  Are you insane!?!  We wouldn't even be able to strain
} out which atoms were yours, they'll get whooshed into the whole
} streaming mess of nuclear fusion before you can blink your
} fusion-torched eyes!  We're talking actual molecular disintegration
} here, like in science fiction!  You'd have to be one HELL of a devoted
} sun-worshipper to actually come here!  (Man, I wish I had worshippers
} that devoted... I can't even get Zadoc to go to a Santana concert with
} me.)  Er, sorry.  But I just felt I had to make that point strongly.
}
} COMET HALLEY
}
} Pros:
}
}  - Hey, everyone knows about this place.  You'll be famous every time
} you show up on Earth!  The year is 76 terrestrial years long, giving
} you plenty of time to live a full life, retire with a pension, and die
} of arteriosclerosis before ever seeing another tax day.
}
} Cons:
}
}  - You'll spend most of those 76 years far away from the Sun, freezing
} to death in the utter cold of interplanetary space.  Heart attacks may
} not be pleasant, but they're probably preferable to that.
}
}  - Uh, there isn't much to actually live on.  It's basically a dirty
} snowball with the surface area of a state park.  If you manage to avoid
} falling off, since the gravity ain't gonna hold you on long, you'll
} probably get bored with the scenery real fast.
}
}  - That beautiful comet tail is really gases unfreezing and lighting up
} like a neon sign from solar radiation.  In case you didn't guess, these
} are not healthy gases.  And neither is the solar radiation.
}
}  - It's completely uninhabitable.  Besides, do you really want to bear
} the guilt of living someplace that has unwittingly caused panic, fear,
} and riots from its mere appearance on Earth in the past?  Okay, even if
} you do, it's not worth moving there.  You can start a comet cult right
} here, and you don't even actually have to know anything about comets!
}
} MOUNT OLYMPUS
}
} Pros:
}
}  - Now this is more like it.  Existing on a parallel plane of
} mythological existence will free you from all those nasty laws of
} physics and crap that make life so difficult in the mortal realms.  Day
} and Night will be at your beck and call; you will no longer be
} controlled by schedules, and will have all of Eternity to complete
} whatever tasks you might wish in utmost bliss and relaxation.
}
} Cons:
}
}  - To get admitted here, you technically have to be a god.  And, though
} your opinion might differ, you probably aren't.  To gain divine status,
} you have to either be of divine ancestry (watch your parents for signs
} of shapeshifting when they get agitated), or perform such actions as
} slaying a horrible demon monster beast, or winning a major world war,
} or bearing a god's child.  Since your schedule is already so packed, I
} doubt you'd be able to fit any of these in.
}
}  - It doesn't actually exist, so you'll only be able to get there if
} you're a fictional character, like me.  Tough breaks.
}
} So, all in all, it looks like you'd have the best luck staying on...
}
} EARTH
}
} Cons:
}
}  - You've been here long enough and are probably bored with it.
}
}  - The same old 24-hour, 365-day month and all its attendant problems.
}
}  - You probably know all of the rest already.
}
} Pros:
}
}  - Not far to travel.
}
}  - It's actually possible to live here.  At least for the near future,
} anyway, until those waste drums start to leak...  But never mind.
}
} So, with all this useful information in hand, we hope you'll be making
} the right choice for your next travel destination, and we hope you'll
} continue to use Oracular Travel Services in the future!
}
} You owe the Oracle a vacation in the Pleiades.


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