[IO]
Internet Oracle
25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:58:47 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1178

Goto:
1178, 1178-01, 1178-02, 1178-03, 1178-04, 1178-05, 1178-06, 1178-07, 1178-08, 1178-09, 1178-10


Internet Oracularities #1178    (67 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 19:29:33 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1178
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1178  67 votes 2aql8 2flib 5lsb2 37pn9 bfhf9 5emga 5asj5 3dije 3emk8 4iof6
1178  3.2 mean  3.3   3.3   2.8   3.4   2.9   3.2   3.1   3.4   3.2   3.0


1178-01    (2aql8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Who Has Never Ending Frequent Flier Miles
>
> What should I do if I am ever on a plane and it is going down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go down too, I mean like you don't really have a lot of
} choice in the matter.
}
} Okay, Okay, since you asked.
}
}  -__\_ -__\_  -__\_  -__\_  -__\_  -__\_  -__\_
}     /     /      /      /      /      /      /
}
}    Ten Things to Do as Your Plane Goes Down
}
}  -__\_ -__\_  -__\_  -__\_  -__\_  -__\_  -__\_
}     /     /      /      /      /      /      /
}
} 10) Call up someplace really far away on your cell phone
} 09) Demand another bag of complementary peanuts
} 08) Tear open your shirt then announce, "Ah heck,
}     I left my super hero costume at the cleaners!"
} 07) Write on your arm with a pen, "We were attacked
}     by an alien space ship."
} 06) Stand up and shout, "Surprise! You're all on
}     Candid Camera!"
} 05) Pray to all known gods real fast.
} 04) Wonder why people say to always wear clean under-
}     wear because you never know when you'll be in an
}     accident, because you -were- wearing clean under-
}     wear up until you realized you were about to die
}     rendering the whole clean underwear idea irrelevant.
} 03) Scream out, "Last one to the Pearly Gates is a
}     rotten egg!"
} 02) Scream out, "Make that, last one to plunge into the
}     pit of eternal flaming damnation is a rotten egg!"
} 01) Just plain old scream.
}
} You owe the Oracle your frequent flyer miles.


1178-02    (2flib dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most pleasing to read due to your mature outlook Oracle,
>
> Why is a pool table called a pool table? It has nothing, as
> far as I can tell, to do with a pool.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow! Aren't you the perceptive one? I'll bet you've also noticed that
} cricket has nothing to do with crickets, boxing has nothing to do with
} boxes, fencing has nothing to do with fences, rugby has nothing to do
} with rugs and bowling has nothing to do with homes for goldfish. And no
} doubt your expertise extends to knowing that you don't have to be drunk
} to play tiddlywinks or angry to indulge in either lacrosse or rowing,
} that tennis is played by two or four people but never ten, that curling
} is not played by hairdressers armed with tongs, and that nobody has to
} eat bad mints for badminton, get sat on by an elephant for squash or
} read a crappy novel by a guy called Jeffrey for archery. And then
} you'll go on to point out that the marathon does not in any way involve
} the annihilation of an invading Persian army by the allied forces of
} Athens and Plataea, of whom the latter got scant credit for the
} victory, in your opinion. You must be ever so popular at cocktail
} parties.
}
} You owe the Oracle a right side to his bed, so he can get out of it on
} a Monday morning.


1178-03    (5lsb2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty and well-buffed Oracle, whose Z39.50 portal glows softly in
> the moonlight, please tell me...
>
> I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored. Tired of it. Sick of it. In brief...
> bored. Been bored so long, enui looks like up to me.
>
> So what should I do to liven things up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, before I answer your question, let the Oracle tell you how times
} have changed:
}
} Once upon a time I'd get questions from people concerned with the world
} around them, such as how to get world peace and how to feed the hungry.
} Now I have to answer questions like, "I"m bored, what do I do" and "I'm
} in big trouble if I can't get the stain out of that blue dress.  What
} gets out body fluids?".  *Sigh*  The joy that is humanity.
}
} So, having said that, I will tell you exactly how to liven up your drab
} existence within the resources available to you (which isn't much,
} considering your non-omnipotent status).  But you asked.
}
} Flash back with me to the summer of 1991.  You and your wife were
} having a conversation, and you said, "Honey, your birthday is coming
} up.  What would you like as a present?"
}
} "Oh, nothing dear. Having your love is all I'll ever need.  Please
} don't bother."
}
} Now, go forward with me a couple of weeks, July 14 to be exact (your
} wife's birthday).  It's 10:00pm and you are on the couch, pillow under
} your head, one of the kids' STAR WARS sleeping bags on top of you.
}
} "But honey, you said you didn't WANT anything for your birthday!!", you
} yell as you hear the slamming of the bedroom door.
}
} Now, go forward with me to last week, as she and you were car shopping.
} She told you you should go for the affordable, sensible 1976 Gremlin,
} while you had your eye on the $50,000 red sports car.  And she told you
} that they day you come home in that will be the day she ties you to the
} bumper and drags you behind it doing 120mph, stopping only to pour
} rubbing alcohol in the fresh wounds.  Well, it's the same thing as the
} "Ice Summer of '91", and you don't want to let history repeat itself.
} So leave work right now, go down to the dealership and buy the sports
} car for the woman you call "Shmoopy".  She'll be so surprised, I can
} guarantee you things'll liven up.
}
} Oh yeah, don't forget to tell her how you were thoughtful enough to get
} the extended warranty and "rust protection".
}
} You owe the Oracle a tub of popcorn and front row seats for what
} promises to be "the biggest thrill ride of the summer"


1178-04    (37pn9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderous and politically correct Oracle:
>
> Have all the airlines instituted a plot against us regarding lost
> luggage and why is it that no matter who I fly my bags always seem
> to end up in Bum F*** Egypt rather than Chicago?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It isn't actually the airlines plotting against you, but the luggage.
} What American Tourister and Samsonite don't tell you is luggage is
} harvested, not manufactured. New colors and styles are determined by
} experimental cross-pollination techniques and Montana is just full of
} these large, secret, baggage farms. Most of these Montana ranches are
} still free range and many a passerby has caught a glimse of a young
} valise or cosmetic case grazing along the highways. Once they reach
} maturity, the bags become extremely lethargic, and to most seem
} inanimate for many years. However, at the end of their life cycle,
} usually triggered by an airport x-ray or baggage checker, they are
} suddenly compelled to begin a journey that will ultimately end in that
} area of Egypt many know as the Suitcase Graveyard, where anthropolists
} have uncovered centuries of deceased luggage carcasses.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new garment bag.


1178-05    (bfhf9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> If knowledge is power, what is ignorance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Horsepower.


1178-06    (5emga dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you keep a rhino from charging?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Reverse the polarity of his terminals.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new 12V car rhino.


1178-07    (5asj5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and perfect Oracle, you are increasing in your perfection every
> day.  You are an expert at the impossible tasks the rest of us take for
> granite as useless to try, or even dismiss as a pile of schist.
>
> What I need to know is about clastics.  I had not heard of them until
> yesterday, and I'm sure they'll be on tomorrow's geology exam.  What
> are they, and what do I need to know about them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's fortunate that you should have asked me that one, my young
} apprentice.  Of quartz clastics are going to be in the exam.  Looks
} like you're going to have to work allanite long to galena nuff
} information to even understand the question let alone anthorite.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for that lithp I jutht developed.


1178-08    (3dije dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wisest Oracle, Beacon of Reason, Master of Radians, Bacon of
> the 1st Degree, Rad Dude, and Stompin' Rodeo Star,
>
> What do cows think of F-16 fighter jets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They find them a bit cramped, and prefer to fly the A-10 Warthogs.
} We have to use genetically engineered chickens in the F-16s.
}
} You owe the Oracle some human pilots for his Air Force.


1178-09    (3emk8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who knows no Media boundaries:
>
> Do Enquiring Minds want to know and what gossip have you got for me
> tonight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10) Hillary Clinton has a tattoo of Phil Slivers on the
}     inside of her left thigh
}
} 09) JRR Tolkien was buried in a dress
}
} 08) The reason the Russians can't bring that downed
}     nuclear submarine up is that the leaking radiation
}     has transformed the crew's corpses into bright green
}     glowing mutant flesh eating zombies that that are
}     roving the sea floor killing all that they find.
}     The Ruskies are fending the zombies off from The
}     Mother Land with conventional weapons and herding
}     the undead marauders northward towards an unsuspecting
}     Santa Claus.
}
} 07) Perrier Water was originally called Derriere Water
}
} 06) The Taco Bell Chihuahua dog has developed a nasty
}     cocaine habit and recently chewed the panty hose
}     right off of Gloria Estephan at a bar in Miami
}     causing quite a scene
}
} 05) Pope John Paul II plays a totally kick-ass game of
}     Quake III Arena ruling any server he logs on to,
}     he uses the Ariel skin & the name of "10 foot Pole"
}
} 04) There is no North Dakota, if you drive to areas
}     marked North Dakota on maps you'll find a huge
}     hole big enough to drop France into, which isn't
}     really such a bad idea if you think about it
}
} 03) Brad Pitt is still a virgin
}
} 02) Benazir Bhutto has sent in more questions to The
}     Internet Oracle than any other living female
}
} 01) Philip K. Dick isn't really dead


1178-10    (4iof6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oracle,
> Why do fast food chains sell hamburgers but not hot dogs, and Sports
> Stadiums hot dogs but not hamburgers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, they are, but it's more a question of turnover. Fast food
} restaurants serve hundreds of hamburger patties a day where they take
} the patty from the freezer to the grill to your tray within seconds.
} The poor little guys never even have a chance.
}
} Stadiums on the other hand have a more nurturing environment for the
} hot-dog growth process. Their concession stands are located in dark,
} humid areas which naturally stimulate the overabundance of growth
} hormones still present in the hamburger meat.
}
} Surely, you've noticed that a hamburger is made of thin, stringy bits
} of twisty meat right? Give those bits the chance to really grow, say in
} one of those nifty steamers during a mid-week series, and you'll see
} them eventually evolve into hundreds of franks, wieners, half-smokes,
} and eventually the noble kielbasa, just in time for the weekend double
} header!
}
} Some folks prefer them grilled to make sure they're dead, but I prefer
} them fresh straight from the steamer, right before they develop
} language skills. I'm full all day, and with the proper balance of beer
} and other supplemental growth agents, I don't have to eat again for
} weeks!
}
} Hope that helps, and "Go Sports Franchise of Your Choice"!
}
} You owe the Oracle a bologna that can speak rudimentary German.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org