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Internet Oracularities #1179

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1179, 1179-01, 1179-02, 1179-03, 1179-04, 1179-05, 1179-06, 1179-07, 1179-08, 1179-09, 1179-10


Internet Oracularities #1179    (74 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 07:24:58 -0500 (EST)

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   1179
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1179  74 votes 2cioi 99nje 3etl7 kdjca 6kte5 16uu7 68ise 3oC90 3bAi6 8qkf5
1179  3.1 mean  3.6   3.3   3.2   2.7   2.9   3.5   3.5   2.7   3.2   2.8


1179-01    (2cioi dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, most salientian, most paisley, you are
> THE master of Internet neurohumor!
>
> Why do pennies still exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I must confess I've been wondering about that myself. Oh, of course I
} -knowhy, since I know all, but the answer still doesn't make any sense.
} Let's see if we can get a clarification, shall we?
}
} (The Oracle picks up a telephone and dials. After a moment a voice can
} be heard on the other end. While the voice is speaking, the Oracle
} waves his hand and in a flash of phosphorus a man holding a telephone
} appears in the room.)
}
} "..is this? How did you get my private number?" The man looks around,
} and starts to speak into the phone again. "How did I get here?"
} Realizing the futility of the device, he looks up and addresses the
} Oracle directly. "Where am I?"
}
} "You're safe in Indiana for the moment. My supplicant and I want to ask
} you something."
}
} "Supplicant? But only the... you're the Internet Oracle?"
}
} The Oracle smiles. He always enjoys being recognized by the rabble.
}
} The man stares stunned for a moment, then drops to his face in a
} magnificent grovel. "Oh, forgive me Mighty One!" he finishes up. "Had I
} known I would be in your presence, I'd have made it a point to bring
} some of the new gold pieces we're making down at the Mint. I can have
} them delivered! Will 10,000 be sufficient? I can have them stamped with
} your likeness!"
}
} "Not today, Joseph. We just have a question." The Oracle addresses his
} supplicant. "Joe here is the production manager at the U.S. Mint. He's
} familiar with every American coin currently in circulation, and the
} ones due to hit production within the next 5 years or so. He should be
} able to explain." Once again to Joe: "Why do pennies still exist, Joe?"
}
} Joe's face paled, and he stammered for a moment before finally giving
} up and smiling shyly. "I don't really know."
}
} "Joe, do we have to do this every time?"
}
} "But Master Oracle! You know the clearances that are required!"
}
} The Oracle said nothing. It was enough.
}
} "All right! All right! The reason is, we don't know how to turn off the
} machine! It just keeps banging out pennies, and we can't find the OFF
} switch or the power cord! If we stop feeding it metal, it starts this
} awful vibration that nearly destroyed the Washington Monument! That's
} why it needed renovation, you know - the marble cracked and started to
} fall off from the noise!"
}
} The Oracle nodded. "Hence the increasing price of copper over the past
} 20 years."
}
} "Yes!" Joe nodded violently. "We created such a demand for copper the
} price kept going up, even though we didn't really need it! We finally
} developed the aluminum core material that's in use now, so we weren't
} eating so much copper every day, and the price stabilized. But we still
} can't stop the machine."
}
} "Who built the machine, Joe? Have you asked HIM to turn it off?"
}
} "We can't find him. We hired him from a machine design firm in Germany,
} and he built all our presses. He finsihed them all ahead of schedule
} and under budget, and they worked like a charm, so we paid his fee plus
} a bonus and sent him packing. He disappeared after that. The machines
} have run non-stop ever since."
}
} "Do the other presses do the same thing?"
}
} "We think they will. There's still a sensible use for the larger
} denomination coins, so we haven't had a reason to shut the other
} presses down. We're afraid to try."
}
} The Oracle looks to his supplicant. "Does that answer satisfy you?"
}
} "Oh, yes, Mighty One of Valorous Knowledge. I may die happy now."
}
} "Don't you think you should let Joe off the hook now?"
}
} The supplicant looked confused. "Excuse me? How can I help Joe? I'm
} just a supplicant."
}
} "How about if I guess your name?"
}
} "What? What's my name got to do with it? Besides, I never told... oh."
}
} The Oracle nods. "Right. I'm the Oracle - you don't have to tell me.
} Let me see... could your name be something like Rumplestiltskin?"
}
} The supplicant pales, then turns red with anger. "Yes! All right! Yes!
} I built the presses, I made them run on magic, and I made them keep
} running when Joe decided to not hire me full time! What's it to you,
} anyway? You have all the money you'll ever need! What do you care?"
}
} "I care that my copper mines have been worked dry, and I don't have
} enough aluminum mines to make anything on THAT growing demand. I care
} that I have to pay three times the fair price for network cable. I care
} that I just barely picked up the contract to supply the marble for the
} Washington Monument. You're messing with MY portfolio, Rump, and I
} don't like it."
}
} Rumplestiltskin, stung by the use of his hated childhood nickname, did
} not answer for a long time. "So what do you want me to do? Please don't
} make me turn off the machine! This jerk still owes me."
}
} "Maybe so, but now -you- owe -me-. You did ask a question, you know.
} It's tribute time. Joe, what projects you got coming up?"
}
} "Well, this 'ethnic heroes' bit that led to the Sacajawea dollar seems
} to be popular, so they're looking to put another non-white face on a
} coin. Preferably female."
}
} "A little affirmative action among friends, eh?"
}
} "Sure. A handicap would be nice, too, but that's a stretch."
}
} "How about a dwarf on a copper $2 coin?"
}
} "Hey!"
}
} Joe nodded. "That might go well. But it'll take weeks to produce the
} stamping dies."
}
} The Oracle chuckled. "Not this time."
}
} Supplicant, you owe the Oracle your face on a penny. On a whole bunch
} of pennies. Report to the Mint at 8:00 AM Monday, and bring a sack
} lunch. Your face is going to be busy pounding out copper.


1179-02    (99nje dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's woodchucks, wombats, gerbils, mole-rats, lemurs, llamas,
}    cats and dogs,
} And in-jokes like the Staff of Zot and Lisa, Zadoc, Thag and Og,
} And girlfriends, boyfriends, plastic sheep friends, problems of a
}    sexual sort,
} And football, soccer, tennis, hockey, and all other kinds of sport,
} And Python quotes and top ten lists and hitch-hikers galactical,
} And pleas for help with get rich quick schemes that are quite
}    impractical,
} And people in the news like Clinton, Bush and Blair and Gates and
}    Gore,
} And medical advice regarding why your willy is so sore.
}
} There's parodies of Austen, Conrad, Lovecraft, Joyce and Hemmingway,
} And poems by Poe, and songs by Queen and Don McLean and Doris Day;
} There's Infocom and Doom and Quake and Nethack, MUDs and D&D,
} And AOL and Juno Mail and dear old B1FF and Prodigy.
}
} There's TV shows like Red Dwarf, Teletubbies, Friends and Blackadder,
} And Star Trek Classic, TNG and DS9 and Voyager,
} And B5 and the X-Files with their plotlines so dramatical,
} And Xena Warrior Princess who has bosoms most pneumatical,
} And Unix, Linux, Mickeysoft, and TLAs like GNU and GUI,
} Zen Buddhism, Catholicism, Darwinism and Feng Shui,
} And mentioning the priests like Davis, Chew and Viles and Avedon,
} And subjects meant to gross me out like squids with herpes and
}    so on.
}
} There's quantum physics, chaos theory, superstrings, black holes
}    and quarks,
} And gags ripped off from Stephen Wright and Emo Phillips and Karl Marx,
} And how your flatmate's dirty socks wound up inside your casserole,
} And paradoxes, puns, dramatic irony and 'yperbole.
}
} These are some of the questions you could send unto the Oracle,
} But twits who send blank emails really are a dreadful bore-icle.


1179-03    (3etl7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most unflagging and most logical Oracle, I am indebted to you for
> your answer to this,
>
> Why do old people say the same thing over and over and over again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We don't - it's just that our voices tend to echo in the hollow spaces
} between your ears.
}
} You owe the Oracle a megaphone - you youngsters are the ones that need
} the hearing aids.


1179-04    (kdjca dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Day after day the Oracle pours forth wisdom; night after night the
> Oracle displays knowledge. O' Oracle Most Wise, Teach me knowledge
> and good judgment, for I believe in your words, I rely on your wit.
>
> Why do people get tattoos?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They want to know when the plane is arriving, and short little guys
} are much cheaper to feed and store than air traffic controllers.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Oompa-Loompa.


1179-05    (6kte5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who loves to feel the wind in your hair:
>
> Will Honda ever build a scooter bigger than it's 250 cc Helix, what
> will it be called and what will it look like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 500 cc Double Helix with it's revolutionary "antiparallel"
} "twisted ladder" Polynucleotidal-Wave(tm) chain drive (that
} is, one chain running at 5' to 3' while the other is 3' to 5')
} was the brain child of Honda Engineer Watt Crickson. "The Double
} Helix ring-shaped helicase engine trucks! We're talking lightening
} fast dTTP cleavage!" said Dolly Sheepton noted cycle enthusiast
} after a test run across a Scottish pasture. Unfortunately Luddite
} factions yielding political clout far exceeding their numbers have
} had further work on the Double Helix halted in the English speaking
} world citing concerns that, "Man has not made to go that fast".
} Work on the Double Helix has shifted to the Orient where such
} squeamishness is less in evidence.
}
} You owe the Oracle a crystallographic helmet.


1179-06    (16uu7 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle most wise,
>
> Do you have any handy hints that might help me write my thesis
> dissertation?
>
> I remain (as ever) your most humble and obedient servant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10) Use a language in which all of your advisors are fluent
} 09) Invisible ink or blood are frowned upon, as are Star Trek
}     inspired fonts
} 08) Paper clipping large denomination bills on difficult pages
}     is not a bad idea before sending it to be reviewed
} 07) References to the TellieTubbies should be kept to a minimum
} 06) While writing under an aliases or a pen name might help
}     deflect lawsuits it will slowdown the process
} 05) Xeroxing someone else's dissertation, using White-out to
}     obscure the original author's name and trying to pass it off
}     as your own is far more risky than our room-mate has lead
}     you to believe
} 04) While writing under the influence of mind altering drugs
}     might have worked for Huxley Jr. and William S. Burroughs,
}     the Oracle suggests emulating this with anything stronger
}     than coffee is Not A Good Idea
} 03) Punctuating debatable passages with smilies will not
}     win the reader over :) See?
} 02) Listing channeled demons as references is of questionable
}     validity
} 01) No matter how good you are at drawing bikini clad babes with
}     a felt tip marker, don't think that it will add flair to
}     a page that pie charts can't match
}
} You owe the Oracle a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches.


1179-07    (68ise dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is the way we stuff the queue... stuff the queue... stuff the
> queue This is the way we stuff the queue with woodchuck and null
> questions...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the way we drain the queue... drain the queue... drain the
} queue This is the way we drain the queue... with answers that mimic
} the style of the question, but lack the regular meter...


1179-08    (3oC90 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Alyce Wilson <shantipoet@yahoo.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oracle,
> Will graveyards become obsolete?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With the advent of immortality for all graveards will become a novelty
} maintained for the very rich.
}
} As the worlds population grows at a ridiculous rate due to the zero
} deathrate even the smallest broomcloset will become premium realestate
}
} As natural death is not an option this bright new future will
} legitimise murder as a form of social commentary.  International arts
} councils willl provide generous grants for those most talented in
} this exciting new artistic field.
} Only the super-rich will be able to afford a piece of ground large
} enough to put their bodies to rest in, the common man will be sold
} to the soylent green processing plant.
}
} So it becomes clear that graveyards will not become obsolete, just
} a little more personal.
} Rather than being laid to rest by your friends and family, you are
} laid to rest in your friends and family. And if nothing else you can
} be murdered knowing hat at least the wake will be catered.


1179-09    (3bAi6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Alyce Wilson <shantipoet@yahoo.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Where does all this trash come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, in the case of this particular incarnation, the breakdown is as
} follows:
}
}   16.123%  Monty Python
}    9.794%  The Bible
}    8.526%  The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
}    7.812%  The Chronicles of Zadoc the Priest
}    7.397%  Shakespeare
}    6.755%  RHOD in-jokes
}    6.229%  Dave Barry
}    5.596%  TV SF shows
}    4.667%  Adolescent sexual fantasies
}    4.484%  Rock lyrics
}    3.756%  TV sitcoms
}    3.049%  My First Treasury of Children's Verse
}    2.771%  Babelfish
}    2.554%  SF movies
}    2.172%  Fortune cookies
}    1.699%  Karl Marx
}    1.463%  The Encyclopaedia Britannica
}    1.211%  Computer jargon
}    1.001%  Tom Lehrer
}    0.925%  SF novels
}    0.739%  Eastern mysticism
}    0.424%  Tyops
}    0.289%  Newspapers
}    0.256%  Edgar Allan Poe
}    0.133%  Eddie Izzard
}    0.080%  Jane Austen
}    0.052%  Harpo Marx
}    0.027%  Adolescent sexual experiences
}    0.015%  The hippocampus
}    0.001%  Inspiration
}
} You owe the Oracle some more inspiration or, failing that, a
} non-embarrassing adolescent sexual experience.


1179-10    (8qkf5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who knows no Thigh Master and Has a Body by Soloflex:
>
> How can a woman reduce her boobs without resorting to surgery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Make them walk around the house with heavy books on their heads,
} though the Oracle really believes you should rethink your desire
} since it has been statistically proven that taller men earn more
} than shorter men.
}
} You owe the Oracle the tax records of Wilt Chamberlain and Michael
} Dukais.


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