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Internet Oracularities #118

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118, 118-01, 118-02, 118-03, 118-04, 118-05, 118-06, 118-07, 118-08, 118-09, 118-10


Usenet Oracularities #118    (13 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 16 Feb 90 17:33:42 GMT

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118   13 votes 01354 05431 22531 02353 13522 02254 03352 03343 04522 24052
118   3.4 mean  3.9   3.0   2.9   3.7   3.1   3.8   3.5   3.5   3.2   3.1


118-01    (01354 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I lost my MAN utility.  Can you give me the manual entry for finger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the Oracle has looked high and low, and has found at last the answer
} you seek.
}
} FINGER(1)         Eunuchs Programmer's Manual         FINGER(1)
}
}
}
} NAME
}      finger - digital manipulation / signalling device
}
} SYNOPSIS
}      finger [ options ] name ...
}
} DESCRIPTION
}      About 3 inches long, with three joints including the one
}      connecting it to the hand.  Has a hard shielding material
}      covering the upper side of the protruding end, and a
}      unique identification code imprinted on the front of the
}      protruding end.
}      NAME refers to one of {index, middle, ring, pinky}, which
}      are referenced from the thumb outward.  INDEX is typically
}      used for location and identification, RING for marraige,
}      MIDDLE for divorce, and PINKY for cleaning wax out of one's
}      ears.
}      OPTIONS include hair, double-jointedness, broken bones, and
}      various paraphernalia (rings, string, etc).
}      Use of finger for prurient interests is not recommended on
}      the grounds that it may lower your Purity Test score.
}      Use of finger MIDDLE (aliased "BIRD") is definitely not
}      advised against those people bigger than you.
}
} FILES
}      Are useful for shaping fingernails.
}
} SEE ALSO
}      "This little pig went to market" -- Anon.
}
} AUTHOR
}      God, or Darwin, whichever you prefer.
}
} BUGS
}      It is a good idea to keep the finger device free from
}      bugs, which are unsightly and tend to itch.
}
}
}      You owe the Usenet Oracle your thumbs and a 3270 Control Stream.


118-02    (05431 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oh Oracle, lodestone of my life, I hate to tell you this, but my
> faith is shattered.
>         Witness the following transcript!  Witness how I painstakingly
> mapped out a poetically epic outpouring of my soul, practically bleeding
> upon the page on which I wrote to you.  Witness the heinous, moronic,
> utterly mindless lame reply which I have recieved:
>
> ------
> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> Your question was:
>
> > Oracle, when I first heard about you, I was very happy to know that
> > there was some way for me to share my deepest problems and questions
> > and having them resolved.
> >
> > Over the past few months, though, I've found that I've been mailing to
> > the Oracle more and more. The comfort from receiving such reassuring
> > answers is very reassuring; I find that almost my whole life depends
> > on that comfort, now.  And, so, Oracle, I pose to you my first double
> > question:
> >
> > 1) Is this oracle-devotion bad?
> >
> > 2) May I go to the bathroom now? I've been waiting for days.
> >
> > Thank you. Oh please, please, please, please answer quickly....
> >
> >                                          With legs crossed,
> >                                             Devotee
>
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } 1) No, it isn't bad unless yo overload the heaven links
> }    and yes, you can go to the bathroom now...
> }
> } (please wash your hands after)
> -------
>
>         Yea, verily, Oricale, both these questions were very important
> to me; now I feel violated.  Hence, now, I pose to you another double
> question:
>
> 1) Have my long months of faith been spent in vain?
>
> 2) Was that last response sent by The True Oracle, or did some shmuck
>         intercept my message?
>
>                                            With shoes untied,
>                                               Devotee

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Yes, the long months of your faith were spent in vain.  In fact, one
} of the acolytes, whom we shall henceforth refer to as "Brother Bimbo",
} snuck into the Oracle Treasury of Faith, and took a rather large
} quantity of the last months' proceeds.  He thence absconded to the Jimmy
} Swaggart Christian Casino, where he did gamble away everything he took.
} (It wasn't a total loss.  He did get a pink fuzzy stuffed teddy-bear,
} and an all-expenses-paid Voyage to Arcturus (symbolism optional).) I am
} sorry to report that the faith you had contributed was among that which
} Brother Bimbo embezzled.
}
} 2) In fact, a cabal of rec.humorites have been intercepting the Oracle's
} mail and forwarding it to talk.bizarre.boring, whence your answer.
}
} Rejoice!  You have now reached the true Oracle!
}
} You owe the Oracle a lollipop.


118-03    (22531 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because we like you!
}
} You owe the oracle a Mickey Mouse Club Hat.


118-04    (02353 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I don't know if it's just me, but I have never seen
> anyone collect the money out of a public pay phone.  Does the phone
> company ever send someone to collect the money?  If not, what happens to
> it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It IS just you.  You have a minor genetic deficiency in your retinae
} which prevent you from seeing objects with albedo under .17 and
} reflective wavelength between 4015 and 4090 Angstroms.  And the phone
} company only hires dark blue men to collect pay phone money.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nifty pair of Ray-bans.


118-05    (13522 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I make my voice do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Hmm... lets see... this is a tough one.
}
}       Place your left hand against your throat, with your thumb
}       against your right jugular vein and your fingers up around
}       your left ear. Hold your nose between your right thumb and
}       middle finger.  Put your index finger against your forehead
}       and your pinky finger between your front teeth.  Purse your
}       lips.  Bend over and place your head between your knees, or as
}       far down as you can reach (if you can reach, you are not doing
}       it right).  Curl your upper lip as if you smelled something
}       bad.  Anything you say in this position will come out like
}       this.
}
}       You owe the oracle a self-poitrait, in this position.


118-06    (02254 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What has the effect of the U.S.-Canada Free Trade Accord been
> on the North American zipper industry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      A Question.  For eons I have waited for a Question...
}
}      No, honestly!  You wouldn't believe how many pseudo-questions I get
} (zen weirdness), how many cliche questions (about woodchucks), and
} lonely hearts inquiries.  Things weren't too much better when I first
} started.  All these bizarre set-ups by Zeno, cliche questions about how
} many days it took to build Rome, and lonely heart inquiries.  But you
} have finally asked something worthwhile.  I'll have to fire up the
} incense and let me collect a few things.  Haven't had to do this since I
} set up all those filters to handle the Lisa questions....
}
}      [cring, fsst...  patter-patter-patter...  bdong!]
}
}      Bloody goat!  Now what did I do with the weasels...
}
}      [oooog...  Sploosh!  meep]
}
}      Oh Great and Ineffable, Ineluctable Ones, enlighten this, your
} Oracle, so that I may tell this mortal the effect of the U.S.-Canada
} Free Trade Accord has had on the North American zipper industry?
}
} [working............................done]
}
} FIVE ARE THE WAYS OF THE NORTH,
} FIVE IS THEIR COUNT.
}
} SIX ARE THE WAYS OF THE SOUTH,
} SIX IS THEIR MEASURE.
}
} EACH TO EACH, EACH TO EACH
} AND SO IT IS GOLDEN.
} EACH ACROSS, EACH ACROSS
} AND ALL IS UNDONE.
}
} LEAF FALL, STORM CALL,
} IN SMALL THINGS ARE GREAT FALLS.
} THE KING SHALL BE JOINING
} THAT WHICH OPPOSES,
} AND FROM HIS DELAY,
} SHALL COME NEXT YEAR'S ROSES.
}
} FOR FURTHER INQURIES, PLEASE USE THE FOLLOWING CASE NUMBER:  C339-Y-7.
}
} NEXT TIME, USE REAL OWL FEATHERS PLEASE....
}
}        Hmmm...  Ok.  The first part is pretty straightforward.  Seems
} that Canada and U.S.  have different standards for the number of zipper
} teeth per inch.  This is fine until someone buys left zipper halves from
} Canada and right zipper halves from the U.S.  Otherwise, the general
} effect is profitable for the industry.
}
}        The second part is much more obscure....  Let me cross-ref on the
} roses.  Yoicks!  Seems like we got lucky on this one.  The U.S.
} President in the near future will get stuck in the bathroom trying to
} zip up his trousers with a binational zipper.  In doing so, he will be
} delayed long enough for the Strategic Air Command to determine that
} those blips are geese, not missiles, and so a nuclear war will be
} averted.
}
}        Pretty amazing, eh?  Talk about planning!  Those Fates are pretty
} well on the ball.
}
}        You owe the Oracle some real owl feathers.


118-07    (03352 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is your favorite Monty Python sketch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Well, he has an absoulutely beatiful one of a Basque mudslide
} hurtling down on a small, sleepy town.  It's done in sepia, and with
} great detail.  I also like his charcoal rendering of "Various small
} furry animals in a cave, grooving with a Pict", a wonderful example of
} how to portray a scene with a minimal number of strokes.  But, I expect
} that my most favorite is the Spanish Inquisition...
}
} [CRASH!!]
}
} "***NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!!***"
}
}     You owe the Oracle a new door.


118-08    (03343 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> when?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When tiny young pigs make their homes in the sky
} When liver spots start to pass old people by
} When gardeners try to grow dirty old socks
} When slugs make a diet of bagels and lox
} When week-old damp bread will no longer grow mold
} When stuff owned by Elvis no longer is sold
} When pandas grow fangs and attack little girls
} When oysters rebel and refuse to grow pearls
} When Dan Quayle is voted Time's "Man of the Year"
} When Santa is someone whom small children fear
} When research discovers that oat bran is bad
} When wearing lead underpants becomes a fad
} When mankind finds sex to be of little worth
} When mutated cockroaches rule the whole earth
} When the Masked Marvel is finally unmasked
} When dumb Oracle questions cease to be asked
} When birds start to swim and fish try to hum
} Only Then will you find wisdom, my son.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Ripley's Believe It or Not and a rhyming
} dictionary.


118-09    (04522 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Most songs on Earth are about love or its absence.  Please send me a
> love song written on a planet with more than two sexes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Translations of songs from these planets generally don't capture
} their intensity. The language involved has more than two truth
} values; translations end up "vague" and "obscure" to Terran ears.
} Still, if you must know...
}
} ---
}
} Here is the refrain from "Uncertain Disco," as performed by the
} Heisenbergs, homeworld RU-232:
}
} When it became possible for you to enter the room
} I necessarily got excited
} It was 47.4% certain that this was love at first sight
} It appeared that I wanted you right there, or maybe right over there
} Probably
}
} ---
}
} You owe the oracle an all-expense-paid tour of an IBM 3162 terminal.


118-10    (24052 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Please recite for me a poem of love, betrayal and destruction in
> seven lines each beginning with the letter s.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pas de problem.  The form of the poem is
} called a limerimerick:
}
} Sally loved Lois with fervor.
} She swore that she'd love her for ever
}   So when she found Fred
}   Sharing Lois's bed
}   She shot them both dead,
}   Smashed Fred's garden shed,
} Saying "That is the end of my oeuvre".
}
} [You may now applaud]


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