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Internet Oracularities #1180

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1180, 1180-01, 1180-02, 1180-03, 1180-04, 1180-05, 1180-06, 1180-07, 1180-08, 1180-09, 1180-10


Internet Oracularities #1180    (67 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2000 10:05:36 -0500 (EST)

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in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   1180
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1180  67 votes 2cko9 2dkma 5iz63 gqh62 1hqf8 amic5 8iffb 3fvg2 0dojb bmgd5
1180  3.0 mean  3.4   3.4   2.8   2.3   3.2   2.7   3.0   3.0   3.4   2.7


1180-01    (2cko9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most people seem to want the truth from their Oracles.  We know, of
> course, that the Oracles of ancient Greece and Rome gave truth so
> enigmatic as to me nearly useless.
>
> So what I need is lies.  Yes, LIES!  No enigmas for me.  No enemas or
> eczemas either, just plain, bald, bare-faced lies!  Please tell me
> several.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That was truly an interesting question.
} I've never had a supplicant that is so polite and well-mannered before.
} Your use of the wordplay "enema" and "eczema" was very funny.
} I hope you continue to use the Oracle at every available opportunity.
}
} You owe the Oracle a check that is in the mail.


1180-02    (2dkma dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Flabulous Oracle, your vastness astounds me even in my sleep.  My
> eyeballs roll out and tap dance on the floor every time I fail to hear
> your name.
>
> Here's my quuestion:
>
> I belong to one of the new start-up religions.  We were founded in
> 1994, and are growing slowly.  Our saintly leader has a goal that we
> will have 80,000 members by next year.  We currently have 17.  I
> audaciously suggested to him that we could have millions, if only we
> could convert the Pope.  Well, of course he told me to go and do that.
> Me and my big mouth.  How will I convert the Pope?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmmm, a tricky one. Before you pop down to Rome to do the sales job
} on old JP-II, we need to compare and contrast exactly what is on offer:
}
} Founded:
}
}   Roman Catholic church: Middle of 1st Century AD, by the Apostles
}   Church of Everlasting Entrapology: 1994, by Alan F. Hammerstein
}   ("Al"), ex-corporate psychologist.
}
} Current Membership:
}
}   RC: 860 million
}   CEE: 17
}
} Organisational Structure:
}
}   RC: The Pope is supreme head of the church. 100 or more Cardinals are
} responsible for either geographical regions around the world, or
} particular functions within the Vatican administration. Each country is
} divided in a number of dioceses, with a Bishop at its head, further
} divided into a number of parishes, with a parish Priest and possibly a
} number of Curates and Deacons.
}   CEE: Al.
}
} Senior Management:
}
}   RC: Exclusively male, mostly Italian.
}   CEE: Al's wife Andrea, ex aroma-therapist.
}
} Primary Recruitment method:
}
}   RC: Conception by Catholic parents.
}   CEE: Leafletting in the local mall and at sporting events.
}
} Acolytes:
}
}   RC: Numerous orders of monks and nuns, Swiss guards.
}   CEE: You.
}
} Major beliefs:
}
}   RC: Jesus Christ as the risen Lord.
}   CEE: Al was abducted by aliens and they will return soon to take the
} rest of us.
}
} Object(s) of worship:
}
}   RC: The Holy Trinity of the Father, the Son (aka Jesus Christ) and the
} Holy Spirit. Special respect and veneration reserved for Mary, the
} mother of Jesus, and a large number of saints.
}   ECC: Al and the alien race who abducted him.
}
} Notable past members:
}
}   RC: St. Peter, St. Paul, St Augustine, etc.
}   ECC: Greg, Al's former business partner and second-in-command, who now
} heads the "Reformed Church of Everlasting Entrapology".
}
} Sects:
}
}   RC: Various Eastern churches in communion with the main Catholic
} church; numerous orders of monks and nuns; secret catholic societies
} such as Opus Dei.
}   ECC: Greg, prior to the great schism of 1999.
}
} Uniform:
}
}   RC: Senior staff wear various types of robe and fancy headgear for
} formal occasions, informal dress is typically black with a white
} dog-collar. No specified dress code for normal members.
}   ECC: Flowing shiny purple robes, 3in high bright green platform shoes
} and a large yellow hemispherical hat.
}
} Headquarters:
}
}   RC: The Vatican City, an independent enclave of Rome. Contains some of
} the worlds finest architecture, sculpture and other artwork.
}   ECC: Al and Andrea's house, 1472 West 23rd Street.
}
} Long term prospects:
}
}   RC: Excellent. Membership is rising and the next millennium should be
} just as good as the first two.
}   ECC: Poor. Membership in decline since that row Al and Greg had,
} distinct lack of interest amongst potential converts.
}
} Policies:
}
}  RC: Papal infallibility, no birth control.
}  ECC: Giving all earnings to Al.
}
} Positions available:
}
}  RC: Trainee priest, monk or nun. Good promotion prospects, long term
} contracts, board and lodging included.
}  ECC: Minion. No promotion possible, bunk bed provided in Al's basement.
}
} Much as it pains the current incarnation(*) to say it, I think the
} Catholics have it in the bag there. Rather than attempting a direct
} conversion of the current pontiff, I suggest that you take a more
} discreet and long-term approach. Start training for the priesthood
} tomorrow. OK, your "saintly" leader's schedule might have to slip a
} little, but the Oracle can exclusively reveal that if you study hard,
} you should be elected Pope Brad II in February 2048 - just in time
} for the arrival of the aliens on Easter Sunday. It'll be interesting
} to see exactly how far the whole "papal infallibility" thing will
} stretch, as you instruct the entire Roman Catholic communion to await
} transportation to the mother ship ...
}
} You owe the Oracle a Pope-on-a-rope.
}
} (*) An ex-catholic. Not lapsed. *EX*. Got that?


1180-03    (5iz63 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle,
>
> Would you be willing to sign a one-year contract to play defensive line
> (either tackle or end, your choice) for the Green Bay Packers? We need
> to plug up some holes on defense...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey Hon!  They want me to play for the Packers!
}
} ...[Sigh] The Green Bay Packers...  Wisconsin...?  Football...?
}
} ...Knock it off, you sound like a donkey with croup.  I could too play!
}
} ...I would have to get back in shape, lose fif...ten pounds.  I played
} in high school you know....
}
} ...I know I was the equipment manager! One time one of the players was
} sick for practice and they let me play. Well I got to stand in the
} field while a receiver ran routes by me.
}
} ...Well, I'm going to do it.  Look at these muscles.  Hell, I bet I can
} still do one handed pushups...
}
} [*SNAP*]   [Ow...crap]
}
} ...Uh, hon, could you get me the heating pad...please?
}
} You owe the Oracle a BIG tube of BenGay.


1180-04    (gqh62 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most kaleidoscopic and autarkic,
>
> When did David Letterman become the kingmaker of America?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And now, from the home office in Bloomington, Indiana: The Top Ten
} Answers to the Question "When Did David Letterman Become the Kingmaker
} of America?"
}
} Number 10. ... One word: 1992,
}
} Number   9. ... When the w**dch***s came back to Capastrano,
}
} Number   8. ... At the conclusion of the official ceremony at which he
} danced around Jay Leno dressed in a loincloth, painted with berry
} juice, and screaming "Kill The Pig!" at the top of his lungs,
}
} Number   7. ... Not until after he was crowned, though he was pretty
} much a shoe-in after the swimsuit competition,
}
} Number   6. ... When he got over 1,000,000 experience points and slew
} the previous kingmaker of America,
}
} Number   5. ... He's not. You're thinking of Jesse "The Body" Ventura,
}
} Number   4. ... After much contract negotiation, when he finally agreed
} to play the Masturbating Bear on Conan,
}
} Number   3. ... When Triumph the Insult Comic Dog pooped on the
} Electoral College,
}
} Number   2. ... When Paul Schaefer became Queen.
}
} And the number one answer to the question "When Did David Letterman
} Become the Kingmaker of America?"
}
} Number   1. ... It was one of the aftereffects of the wave of
} popularity of the "Stupid Royalty Tricks" segment of his show.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete works of Arsenio Hall.


1180-05    (1hqf8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most likely Oracle,
>
> How can I tell this answer is from you and not an evil demon that
> intercepted the message?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} Thank you for your query.
}
} Here at Oracle Inc we employ a large number of demons imps and
} otherworldly creatures within our network, we have a very thorough
} vetting procedure and all employees are contractually obliged to
} forswear evil and evildooing during normal office hours.
}
} Despite the nasty rumours in the popular press that diabolic
} entities are exploiting various loopholes in their contracts and
} being evil while working overtime, we have found no evidence of any
} such activities.
}
} Please rest assured that all communications come through officially
} sanctioned channels and that we do our utmost to prevent evil from
} corrupting the answers.
}
} Yours sincerely,
}
} The Internet Oracle
}
} P.S You owe the Oracle the still beating heart of your firstborn child


1180-06    (amic5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, you know, if you put a lot of those little signs together, it
} looks like a Zipper from RC Pro Am on the NES >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
}
} Wow, I remember my NES.  All those hours I spent playing Super Mario
} Brothers, and Metroid, and Zelda 1 and 2.... I liked Zelda 2, even
} though it was a side-scroller instead of the overhead view of 1, 2, and
} 4.  You know, The Ocarina of Time is closer to a side-scroller than to
} those overhead games, but people don't seem to mind *that* difference
} in perspective.  I think the main difference is that Zelda 2 used
} spells instead of having a million different items.
}
} But I digress.
}
} It was on the NES that I first played console RPGs... first the
} somewhat-unimpressive Dragon Warrior, leading eventually to the one
} that got me permanently hooked:  Final Fantasy.  A mere shell of the
} games that would follow, it nevertheless provided many hours of fun and
} enjoyment for me.  From there, I devoured every NES RPG there was, even
} mixed-breed ones like The Magic of Scherezade and Little Ninja
} Brothers.  Even oddball ones like Destiny of an Emperor, Capcom's first
} RPG (don't let anyone tell you that Breath of Fire was the first).
} Further, it was a *historical* RPG, set in China - no monsters here,
} just roving bacnds of bandits instead of random monsters, with the
} occassional battle with a general, most of whom you could recruit to
} your side.  There were a few sequels, actually, but they were never
} released in America.
}
} I played the NES to death, even after I got the SNES.  A lot of my old
} games don't work anymore, sadly, having been the victim of
} "Nintendoitis". But I'll never forget those fun times I had at the end
} of the 8-bit era of videogaming.
}
} Oh, and next time, ask a question.


1180-07    (8iffb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Omniscient, Omnipotent, and Omnibenevolent Oracle Supreme, please
>  tell me:
>
>  Which is *really* the better database, and why?  Oracle8i or SQL
>  Server?  I trust that in your Infinite Dispassionate Impartiality, you
>  won't pick Oracle just because of its name, nor will you refuse SQL
>  Server just because it's made by Micro$oft.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hard for me to say, I don't use either of them.
}
} Sure, they're both pretty darn good at managing vast arrays of
} data, but considering that I'm omniscent, they're really pretty
} useless. I know the answer to any complex query by merely
} asking myself.
}
} Sadly, there are the skeptics and accountants amoung us that
} refuse to believe any answer without mountains of interesting
} looking, irrelevant data. And let me tell you, the ONLY way to
} churn out excess meaningless clutter is by using an NIMDb, a
} Near Infinite Monkey Database.
}
} A few SQL (Simian Query Language) statements and it spews out
} reams of various associations, cross tabulations and other
} etheral bits of gobbledeegook that whole universities are
} founded and collapsed trying to make sense of it all.
}
} Of course sometimes it backfires on me. I remember once when
} some goof from Stratford upon Avon asked me for a summation of
} ancient Danish heraldry. Do you think I got any credit when he
} turned it into a play? Heck no!
}
} Ok, so he had to rewrite bits of it, but I've got a copy of the
} original I handed to him sitting right here. You tell me if this
} isn't better..
}
}                  Enter Horatio and Marcellus from tire swing.
}
}   Fran. I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who is there?
}                            Fran. beats chest and bares teeth.
}   Hor. Friends to this ground.
}                             Hor. slaps ground with open palm.
}   Mar. And liegemen to the Dane.
}   Fran. Give you good night.
}                                    Mar. offers to groom Fran.
}   Mar. O, farewell, honest soldier.
}     Who hath reliev'd you?
}   Fran. Bernardo hath my place.
}     Give you good night.
}                               Fran Exit swinging from vine.
}
}   Mar. Holla, Bernardo!
}                                    Mar. inverted, waves foot.
}   Ber. Say-
}     What, is Horatio there ?
}                           Hor. flings fruit playfully at Ber.
}   Hor. A piece of him.
}
}   Ber. Welcome, Horatio. Welcome, good Marcellus.
}                                         Ber. inspects self.
}   Mar. What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
}   Ber. I have seen nothing.
}                             Ber. continues inspecting self.
}   Mar. Horatio says 'tis but our fantasy,
}     And will not let belief take hold of him
}     Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us.
}     Therefore I have entreated him along,
}     With us to watch the minutes of this night,
}     That, if again this apparition come,
}     He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
}              Mar. begins leaping into the air and howling.
}   Hor. Tush, tush, 'twill not appear.
}                     Mar. settles a bit and simply thrashes
}                                     foliage with a branch.
}   Ber. Sit down awhile,
}                Placates Mar. by shaking outstreached fist.
}     And let us once again assail your ears,
}     That are so fortified against our story,
}     What we two nights have seen.
}   Hor. Well, sit we down,
}     And let us hear Bernardo speak of this.
}                         All sit, Hor. begins to groom Mar.
}   Ber. Last night of all,
}     When yond same star that's westward from the pole
}     Had made his course t' illume that part of heaven
}     Where now it burns, Marcellus and myself,
}     The bell then beating one-
}
}       Enter Ghost, a very very large monkey clutching
}                    a screaming maiden.
}
}               All leap up in a great cry with bold whoops
}                        Mar. begins to fling dung at Ghost
}   Mar. Peace! break thee off! Look where it comes again!
}                       maiden screams louder, a slow smile
}                           spreads across the Ghosts face.
}
}   Ber. In the same figure, like the King that's dead.
}                                Mar. briskly slaps Hor. head
}   Mar. Thou art a scholar; speak to it, Horatio.
}   Ber. Looks it not like the King? Mark it, Horatio.
}                                  Ghost scratches self and
}                               begins smelling same finger
}   Hor. Most like. It harrows me with fear and wonder.
}   Ber. It would be spoke to.
}                        Ghost yawns mightily, maiden faints
}   Mar. Question it, Horatio.
}                 Horatio cautiously approaches Ghost's foot.
}               Touches the toe and runs back screaming. Mar.
}                                  beats Hor. with open fists
}                                 until Hor. returns to Ghost.
}   Hor. What art thou that usurp'st this time of night
}     Together with that fair and warlike form
}     In which the majesty of buried Denmark
}     Did sometimes march? By heaven I charge thee speak!
}                                         Hor. in fit of rage,
}                                   throws more dung at Ghost.
}   Mar. It is offended.
}   Ber. See, it stalks away!
}                       There is much thrashing of foliage by
}                                        Mar., Ber., and Hor.
}   Hor. Stay! Speak, speak! I charge thee speak!
}                                                   Exit Ghost
}
} Beautiful, and it would still pack the theaters.
}
} You owe the Oracle alas poor Yorick, a gibbon of infinite jest...


1180-08    (3fvg2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, finally, an intelligent question.
}
} It's really quite simple. You start with a hyperdense quark-gluon
} plasma at a temperature of about 30 trillion quintillion degrees,
} apply Schroedinger's equation and a bit of quantum gravity, integrate
} from minus infinity to plus infinity in all spatial dimensions, with
} the bounding conditions of a finite, but unbounded, universe, and
} from zero to 12 billion years in time.
}
} The inescapable conclusion, written in the Big Bang and the laws of
} nature themselves, is that you were always destined to be a loser.
}
} You owe the Oracle a buck fifty, I know it's all you have on you.


1180-09    (0dojb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is microsoft so lame yet, so popular?
>
> ____________________________________________________________
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Get your free @yahoo.co.uk address at http://mail.yahoo.co.uk
> or your free @yahoo.ie address at http://mail.yahoo.ie

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Meet The Masses.
}
} This is Mr. Mass. And Mrs. Mass and their little Mass.
}
} So folks, what is your favorite food?
}
} "McDonald's Hamburger"
}
} And your favorite TV show?
}
} "Survivor"
}
} And your car?
}
} "Taurus"
}
} And your favorite author?
}
} [ long pause ]
}
} "Stephen King"
}
} And what it your favorite movie?
}
} "Whatever is making the most money at any given moment"
}
} Your favorite character in Greco-Roman Mythology?
}
} [ long pause ]
}
} "Can we use our lifeline on that one?"
}
} You owe the Oracle 5 billion metric tons of sheep feed.


1180-10    (bmgd5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  This ain't no in-joke, this ain't no digest
>     This ain't no jokin' around
>  No time for humor, or rhodite posting
>     I ain't got time for that now

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heard of a queue that is loaded with questions,
} packed up and ready to go
} Heard of some rhodites, out by the highway,
} a place where nobody knows
} The sound of laughter, off in the distance,
} I'm causing none of it now
} Worked in a cubefarm, worked in an office,
} I've worked all over this town
}
} > This ain't no in-joke, this ain't no digest
} >    This ain't no jokin' around
} > No time for humor, or rhodite posting
} >    I ain't got time for that now
}
} Transmit the question, to the Kinzler,
} hope for an answer some day
} I got three woodchucks, a couple of nulls,
} you don't even know my real name
} High on Python, the geeks are chuckling,
} but most of my answers are droll
} I sleep in the daytime, I work in the nightime
} I might not ever get home
}
} > This ain't no in-joke, this ain't no digest
} >    This ain't no jokin' around
}   This ain't no oracle, or T.M.Q.D.
} >    I ain't got time for that now
}
} You owe the Oracle an extension to this deadline.


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