[IO]
Internet Oracle
23 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:30:34 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1181

Goto:
1181, 1181-01, 1181-02, 1181-03, 1181-04, 1181-05, 1181-06, 1181-07, 1181-08, 1181-09, 1181-10


Internet Oracularities #1181    (59 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2000 08:41:47 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1181
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1181  59 votes 2ekf8 4doe4 1bml4 5bik5 he9b8 3jt62 3eek8 7ahg9 4dpf2 4apg4
1181  3.1 mean  3.2   3.0   3.3   3.2   2.6   2.7   3.3   3.2   3.0   3.1


1181-01    (2ekf8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From: bill@h0tm4il.c0m
> To: oracle@cs.indiana.edu
>
> Oh Oracle Most Fair and Judicious, what would be the fate of my beloved
> all-encompassing company in an ideal world free of Linux sympathizers?
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Get your Free, Private E-mail now!  http://www.h0tm4il.c0m/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "What's this? Zadoc!! I thought the policy was clear! No questions from
} soulless supplicants!"
}
} "I don't understand, Master. The soulcheck routine went fine."
}
} "Hmm. I don't like it. Get Hades on the phone."
}
} <deet dote doot deet deet doot dote> <bzzzzz> .... <bzzzzz>... <click>
}
} "Hello,  Hades' Office, how may I direct your call?"
}
} "This is Zadoc, up at the Oracle's place. My Master would like to speak
} to Hades."
}
} "Certainly, please hold."
}
} <I'lltellyouwhatIwantwhatIreallyreallywantSotellmewhatyouwantwhat
} youreallyreallywantIwa->
}
} "Man, I thought they'd never take Manilow off that thing, but Hell hath
} surpassed itself, I guess."
}
} <click>
}
} "Mr. Hades is on the line."
}
} "Master?"
}
} "Hello, Hades, this is Orrie. I need you to check your partner Lucifer's
} files. Has he released soul number 312213453 stroke b?"
}
} "Who, Billy? Hell, I don't even have to check. I used that soul as a
} volleyball net just the other day. Still in stock."
}
} "Thanks, Haddy. Golf on Sunday?"
}
} "Usual tee time. See you then."
}
} <click>
}
} "Well, that clinches it. This wasn't written by Bill Gates, rather by
} someone pretending to be him. Now who would want to know the fate of a
} company inferior to Linux after the sane revolution? Aha!
}
} "To whom it may concern:
}
} "Sir, Apple will suffer the same fate as Microsoft. Soon your soul will
} join that of Mr. Gates. Thank you, The Oracle.
}
} "P.S. You Owe the Oracle a soulbinder in a nice mango-peach color.


1181-02    (4doe4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and fluffy Oracle, you are the pillow of my dre3ams.  I cannot
> express to you how ineffable you are, but that's my problem, not yours.
>
> What's with these questions you are getting in French?  Don't you have
> a subsidiary in France or somewhere to handle those?  Why do they show
> up on your inbox?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While it is true that I do have a subsidiary operation in France
} (Domestiques franM-gais Internet de l'oracle) they are often unreliable
} and their answers have a certain... predictabilty, shall we say.
}
} I have included some examples to illustrate (all examples have been
} translated for the benefit of non-Francophones).
}
} 1)
}
} Oracle, oh wisest of them all...
}
} I can never find the remote control for my TV. Why is this?
}
} Answer:
}
} Pah, this is nothing. Existence is nothing. Nothingness is the very
} essence of humanism. WHat better metaphor for the utter
} meaninglessness, the dark void of the human condition than the loss of
} the one device that you feel can open your life up to genuine contact
} with something beyond the immense loneliness that is existence.
}
} This is an illusion. Accept your fate. Learn to watch whatever... Since
} all sense of control is an illusion and you are left with nothing but
} the void in this solitary, pitiless existence...
}
} Sartre put it best when he said... "Quelle est tM-ilM-ivision?  Quelle
} est la vie?"
}
} 2)
}
} Oracle, of munificent one...
}
} Why was the last Star Wars movie rubbish?
}
} Pah, rubbish... Star Wars is nothing. Existence is nothing. What better
} metaphor for the utter meaningless, the dark void of the human
} condition than the disappointment caused by a movie, an empty fiction,
} a sad reflection on the endless misery and the dark solitude of human
} existence. The Force, what is the force, but a metaphor for the
} illusory control we believe we have over our life.
}
} Sartre put it best when he said...
}
} "Sentez la puissance du cM-ttM-i en noir, Luke. Moi, Darth Vader, suis
} votre pM-hre. Queest-ce que plus de preuve peut lM-` M-jtre?
} L'existence n'est rien. Quelle est la vie? "
}
} I think you get the general idea...


1181-03    (1bml4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of divine power and wisdom, only you know of your own
> downfalls, please answer me this, a question:
>
> I, like the grasshopper, seek the difficult, not the impossible,
> if only to strengthen myself.
>
> I want to construct the most compact self-referential statement and/or
> question that would cause mere mortals to tremble in indecisiveness.
>
> How's this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not even close.  Compact, certainly, but little self-referentiality
} and zippo indecisiveness.  Even the merest of mortals will respond "All
} right," or "Okay" or "Great!!" or "Hopeless".  See?  No indecisiveness
} at all.
}
} The scariest statement and/or question for indecisiveness from a mere
} mortal's view is:
}
} "I dunno, whatever YOU want to do."
}
} Compact, well sorta, self-referential because you can go round in
} circles on that one for weeks and absolutely guaranteed to blow the
} decision circuits on any late twentieth century adult.
}
} You owe the Oracle some things to do tonight.


1181-04    (5bik5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Exit-DOS 20H
>
> When the lusers saw that Microsoft had delayed the release of Windows
> 95, the lusers gathered themselves to Apple, and said, "Up, make us
> Performas that shall run our multimedia; as for this Mr. Gates, the man
> who brought us down into the land of 8086, we do not know what has
> become of his plans." And Apple said to them, "Surrender your directory
> trees, and rend the pages from your user manuals and bring them to us."
>  So the people surrendered their directory trees and rent the pages
> from their user manuals and brought them to Apple.  And Apple received
> all they had sacrificed, and cast it away, and made a 68000 machine;
> and they said, "These are your Macs, O lusers which will bring you up
> out of the land of 8086!"  When Apple saw this, it added sound and
> graphics, so the lusers could play games and "The Simpsons" sound
> clips; and Apple made proclamation and said, "Tomorrow shall be the
> demise of user know-how."  And they rose up early on the morrow, and
> called tech support for assistance; and the lusers gathered with their
> sons and daughters and sat down to play.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But the businesses rejected Apple, saying amongst themselves, "We
} already have Windows 3.1, and it would take thousands, if not millions,
} to change our ways.  We can work with the bugs and the occasional GPFs,
} and still get our work done more or less on time -- why bother to
} change?"  And thus with Microsoft did they remain.
}
} Microsoft saw this, and reported to Mr. Gates, saying, "If we have the
} confidence of the businesses, why do we need the home users?  Certainly
} we can raise the price of our software exponentially, and thus make a
} tidy profit."  But Mr. Gates said unto them, "No, I want to rip away
} the purse of every man, woman, and child; we shall make our software
} available for everyone, regardless of status; we shall make our
} marketing so convincing, even those who do not own a personal computer
} shall buy Windows 95; and we shall make it full of holes, so that we
} may constantly release new revisions, lo, even unto the twelfth
} generation of users, though we deliver the product a year late and too
} expensive by half."
}
} And it was so.
}
} And the users did see the marketing acclaiming Windows 95, and
} immediately forgot all trespasses made against them by Microsoft, and
} headed to the store in droves.  Those who claimed that they never
} really liked Apple anyway took their legacy computers out of the closet
} and began the labor-intensive installation process, complete with
} cursing and much pounding on the innocent boxes, as was decreed in the
} Microsoft User manual.
}
} Apple saw the mass exodus from their systems, and there was much
} wailing and gnashing of teeth.  The CEOs did rend their clothes from
} their bodies and bathe themselves in ashes, crying "Woe, woe are we;
} our attempts to render users mindless has backfired, and they will now
} fall for anything that even remotely resembles our own OS.  Woe, woe,
} woe." And they took a small break in their woeing to fire a few random
} CEOs that weren't wailing quite loud enough, and named them
} "scapegoats."
}
} A man named Linus did see the mindless gibberings of the users, and the
} complaints of those not yet fully purged of all thought, and said to
} himself, "What if I were to make an OS free of problems, free to all?"
} And lo, he set himself down and churned out a decent source code.  He
} then released it to the world, saying, "Look upon what I have created;
} let all build upon it as to their individual talents and abilities, and
} improve on it in a hopefully bug-free way.  Thus we may become free of
} the tirades of the large companies, and gain our minds."  And a few
} users rejoiced, and began to spread the word.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Linux box with universal compatibility and a GUI
} interface.


1181-05    (he9b8 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle,
>         I just wanted to write and thank you for being so kind to us
> when we came to visit you the other day.  Bloomington is a very nice
> town.  It's not quite like the Emerald City, where everything was
> green, but the town does look nice in red.  I particularly liked the
> funny fat man in the plaid jacket who went around throwing chairs at
> everyone.  He really got close to some of them!
>         I did want to apologize, though, for what happened at your
> office.  When you appeared through the smoke, saying "I am the Great
> and Powerful Oracle!", Mr. Lion got quite nervous, and I'm afraid
> the carpet did get a little wet.  That's why the Tin Man rusted.
> And, of course, when we tried to unstick his legs, the sparks set
> the Scarecrow on fire.  That really frightened the Lion, and that's
> when he had his heart attack.  Then the Tin Man tried to save the
> Lion by giving him a new heart, but he forgot that he didn't have
> any heart at all.  Unfortunately he had taken himself nearly all the
> way apart when he realized this.  The funeral was really nice,
> though.  Mr. Zadoc gave a nice sermon.  Miss Lisa was really nice to
> me, too.  I'm afraid I can't wear the clothes she gave me, though.
> Back home in Kansas people don't wear things like that, at least
> that's what Auntie Em told me when I tried to wear the thong bikini
> I got from Bobby Joe.  I'll keep in mind that club you told me
> about, though.
>         Could you apologize to that nice Mr. Kinzler?  I'm really
> sorry about what happened.  I know Toto shouldn't have gone behind
> that curtain, once you told him not to, and he really shouldn't have
> bitten Mr. Kinzler.  But we didn't know that you had hired
> Mr. Kinzler to clean your room, especially that big computer you
> have back there.  It sure is nice that you let him work for you,
> since I guess he can't get any other kind of work.  Anyway, let Mr.
> Kinzler know that Auntie Em will be happy to pay his doctor bills,
> if I can ever get back to Kansas to tell her.
>         Which brings me almost to the end of the letter.  I know we
> made quite a mess in your office, with the blood and the fire and
> the Tin Man's parts lying all around.  But can you please tell me
> how to get to Kansas anyway?  I'm afraid I don't know what you meant
> when you said "Look for the flat part in the middle."  Can you be a
> little more specific?  Just get me to the Turnpike, and I'll be OK
> from there.  Please?
>         Thank you again for all your help, and I'm really sorry
> about all the trouble Toto and I caused.  I hope I can come back
> sometime.  Maybe Mr. Kinzler can show me how to run that fancy
> computer?
>                                                 Your friend,
>                                                 Dorothy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This email is an auto-reply.  I am currently unable to access my email
} to respond to you.  I will be out of the office Sept. 11th - 14th
} inclusive.  I will return on Sept. 15th.
}
} I am currently scheduled to be back in the office on Wednesday, August
} 16th.  I will review your email message at my earliest opportunity to
} do so.
}
} Thanks
}
} -Joe


1181-06    (3jt62 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yawn, sorry Dear Oracle:
>
> Should I earn my college degree or should I just go ahead and buy one
> from the National Enquirer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The earned ones are **so** boring.  Maths, physics, geography, urban
} studies.  The mail-order ones are far more exciting.  Within mere days
} you could be a Doctor of Parapsychological Metaphysics or a Master of
} Arcane Letters.
}
} Why, in fact, should you waste your money on a standard university
} (they're all rotten, you know) or on one of those mail-order traps
} either.  Instead, I hereby grant you all the degrees ever invented,
} including the Centigrade and the Fahrenheit.
}
} You, now the world's only Doctor of Subluminal Psychokinetic Coprology,
} owe the Oracle $1500 for tuition and $75 for fancy diploma paper.


1181-07    (3eek8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and omnipotent Oracle,
>
> What can we do with a drunken sailor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All depends upon the time of day.
}
} Between the hours of 2:30 and 5:00 AM: Let him be. It's usually not
} wise to interact with a drunken sailor at this time usually there's
} some sort of emergency. Like if he's fallen overboard and is too
} unconscious to tread water.
}
} Between 5AM and 8AM: Invest your drunken sailor in several pots of
} strong black coffee, allow him frequent access to the head, what
} sailors call the restroom.
}
} Between 8AM and Noon: Allow your drunken sailor to roam freely around
} the premises. A free range drunken sailor is a happy drunken sailor and
} a happy drunken sailor fetches twice as much at auction.
}
} Between Noon and Midnight: He'll usually remember where the liquor
} cabinet is about noonish, so make sure you have plenty of booze on
} hand. The drunken sailor typically enjoys rum, although will
} occasionally settle for tequila or whisky. By the time the kids arrive
} home from school, your drunken sailor will be ripe for play. Children
} love playing with drunken sailor. They can play ring toss on his half
} empty bottles, pin the tail on the drunken sailor, and even that old
} favorite "ring around the drunken sailor." Your daughter will love
} playing dress-up with drunken sailor who will usually be oblivious.
} When piercing drunken sailor's ears, be sure to do so under the
} supervision of an adult. Once bedtime rolls around the children are
} tucked in, leave drunken sailor in the den and watch Fido go wild as he
} discovers a new playtoy!
}
} Between Midnight and 2:30 AM: At some point during the early morning,
} drunken sailor will pass out. It is recommended my the manufacturer
} that drunken sailor be placed back in his cardboard keepcase until
} morning.
}
} Care And Cleaning Of Your Drunken Sailor: It is recommended that
} drunken sailor be run through a brushless car wash once a month or when
} drunken sailor becomes "gamy."
}
} With the above recommendations, your drunken sailor should provide you
} years of joy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a big ass bottle of Febreze.


1181-08    (7ahg9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Askme! Tellme!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right, which one of you Priests ordered the Queue Porn channel?


1181-09    (4dpf2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise your words divide the day from the night and the
> light from the darkness and the corruptible from incorruptibility,
> and they divide too the eternally lame from those becoming clued,
>
> Every single new hire at work is, well, a woman of substantial
> girth, and I mean substantial, what is going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alright, you've heard the saying "behind every good man, there's a
} great woman"? Well, if you're 5'2" and 110 pounds, are you going to
} be seen standing behind any average-sized man? You most certainly
} will not, unless you've got big hair and one of those ridiculous
} power suits with shoulder pads to rival a linebacker's. This was the
} preferred strategy in the 80s.
}
} However, now that society has gotten to the point where you cannot say
} anything derogatory about anyone else's weight without being fired
} (or subjected to "sensitivity training", which is worse), and since
} big hair has gone out of style, women are sick and tired of standing
} behind these good men without anyone noticing their presence. If it
} takes 50 extra pounds to have their silhouettes visible, then by the
} deities, they will sacrifice their girlish figures on the altar of
} Ben and Jerry just to get some recognition in the office. Besides,
} it helps to have some extra weight behind your punches when you try
} to break through the glass ceiling; those damn things are strong.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gym membership and a raise.


1181-10    (4apg4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, Oracle, you lying cheat, I bought this here can of Coke like you
> suggested and there's no coke in it at all!  What's this, then?  You
> getting payouts from the soda industry?  I need some coke now, Oracle,
> you know my furnace won't run without it!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You idiot!  I said COAL not cola!  I should have expected this after
} you brought me 1000 bongs and pipes when I asked you for a pound of
} potash.  You know I still have angry hippies pestering me to give them
} their bongs back? If I wanted to be surrounded by long haired,
} unwashed, social misfits I would have located myself in the CS dept.
}
} You owe the Oracle a relocation.  Anywhere but Humanities.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org