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Internet Oracularities #1183

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1183, 1183-01, 1183-02, 1183-03, 1183-04, 1183-05, 1183-06, 1183-07, 1183-08, 1183-09, 1183-10


Internet Oracularities #1183    (70 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 18:05:24 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1183
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1183  70 votes 8gnj4 7mqb4 7eoeb 79oo6 7or84 5cjld glp62 5ixb3 6imea 4goec
1183  3.0 mean  2.9   2.8   3.1   3.2   2.7   3.4   2.4   2.8   3.1   3.2


1183-01    (8gnj4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, ever powerful oracle, please help me, for I am in great despair.  I
> need to know...
>
> How do you milk a cow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With warm hands unless you hate your teeth.


1183-02    (7mqb4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Extraordinary Oracle, your admirable wisdom and prodigious wit never
>  fail to amaze me.
>
>  Should I shack up with the widow woman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Honestly, I think you'd be better off hiring a contractor to erect your
} shed. The widow, while she may be quite comely and certainly willing to
} perform other services, doesn't have the upper body strength to make
} her very capable in a construction setting.
}
} However, your local carpenters' union has asked me to tell you that
} they'd love to have her come over and prepare lunch for them. You may
} be able to get a discount if you can talk her into it.
}
} You owe the Oracle new bedsprings. The bricklayers have some strange
} ways of taking their breaks...


1183-03    (7eoeb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You can make me watch Ally McBeal,
> you can tell my girl what I lack,
> but whatever you do,
> just don't make me use a Mac.
>
> You can tie me up and tickle me,
> you can whip me till my blood flows,
> but whatever you do,
> just don't make me run Windows.
>
> You can see if I scream when prodded with a hot poker,
> you can see if I can box a kangaroo,
> but whatever you do,
> just don't make me install OS/2.
>
> You can force me to go clothes shopping,
> you can see how well I stack bricks,
> but whatever you do,
> just don't take away my Linux.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Can I take away your poetic license?


1183-04    (79oo6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mmmm, you're yummy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Oracle slaps himself! ]
}
} SPLAT!
}
} Great, just what we need, talking mosquitoes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a soundless hand.


1183-05    (7or84 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most profound,
>
> Wormholes are predicted by the current theories, yet if one existed,
> any matter or signal that passes through would violate causality.  This
> humble supplicant's mind can't comprehend the implications.  What would
> be the result of a causality violation of the most serious kind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that couldn't happen, for the express reason that if it could, it
} would have already.
}
} Look at it this way:
}
} You go through a wormhole that will open up in pre-WWII Germany.  Your
} mission, you think, is to kill Adolf, or at least persuade him to keep
} painting, thus assuring millions of lives saved.  Problem: if you do
} this, WWII will never exist, thus making your mission unnecessary, and
} therefore obsolete, ad infinitum.  Solution: paradox, destruction of
} the universe.
}
} Pity.  It was so young, too.
}
} And that is the main problem with the "passive" approach to time
} travel.  You can't just go surfing the chronostream undercover, do your
} duty, and then disappear back in the mists of time where you first
} emerged, or at least not without risking the entire cosmos in the
} process.  No, if you're going to travel through time, you've got to do
} what you came there to do, and then announce to the world afterwards
} why you did it.  Appear on talk shows, do the publicity circuit, and
} basically become world famous.  Then, when time travel is invented all
} over again for the first time, people will know exactly what to do and
} where, and will have the documentation that it was successful.  And
} causality is kept intact.
}
} Of course, that was supposedly the theory behind the man who is going
} to be known / history has recorded as Jack the Ripper...
}
} You owe the Oracle a better case study.


1183-06    (5cjld dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Awe inspiring Oracle, Step-Parent of the Past and Father of the
> Future, Uncle of the Here & Now,
>
> Why do we have to work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    You don't. Collect your last paycheck on the way out this afternoon.
}
}    You owe this incarnation of the Oracle an employee smart enough to
}    remember we monitor email.


1183-07    (glp62 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Why are horses green?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because they can neither stomach the oppressive rhetoric of the
} Republican right nor the sad lack of liberal idealism in the
} just-left-of-center power base that runs the Democratic party. Oh, and
} also because Ralph Nader smells like delicious turnips.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sack of oats.


1183-08    (5ixb3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> JURY SUMMONS
>
> You are summoned to attend as a juror at OLYMPUS DISTRICT COURT on
> Monday, 2nd October 2000 at 9.15 a.m. for that day and for the rest of
> the century. If you wish to be excused from attending, please contact
> this office immediately.
>
> B. El  Zee-Bub
> DEPUTY REGISTRAR

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: Satan c/- B. El Zee-Bub
}
} This is a request for exclusion from jury duty on the grounds that I
} have prior commitments involving the torture of millions of innocent
} human souls.
}
} My human incarnation is commentating at the Sydney Olympics.
}
} Thanks in anticipation
}
} The Internet Oracle.


1183-09    (6imea dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Tuneful,
>
> I have lost my script for "Jurrasic Park - The Musical", do you have a
> copy ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Due to large demand for this musical, you are only receiving the last
} page. For the complete version, please send a complete T-Rex skeleton
} to the Oracle as soon as possible.
}
} Finale
}
} CUE LIGHTS: Blackout.
} CUE LIGHTS: Cue spotlight on last T-Rex dinosaur
} CUE MUSIC.
}
} T-Rex:
}
} Is this the real life
} Is this just fantasy
} Caught in a meteor shower
} No escape from reality
} Open your eyes
} Look up to the skies and see
} There's a rock coming, uh-oh we're doomed you see
} Because we're easy come, easy go,
} Mesozoic Era, no!
} Anywhere the rock falls, doesn't really matter to me
} I'm dead
}
} END


1183-10    (4goec dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most effulgent and Machiavellian Oracle who is open to other's
> ideas, wrong though they may be.
>
> Doesn't democracy with its buying of votes with promises by
> politicians corrupt the populous?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why no, of course not!
}
} Voters are by far the most honest, upright, trustworthy and caring
} individuals in the world.  They deserve our deepest respect and
} admiration....AND two chickens in every pot, two SUV's in every garage,
} cheap gas to run them on, and as many free drugs as they can swallow!
}
} And I'd like to send a special thank-you out to all you voters who rate
} oracularies, without whom this world would be a lifeless hunk of
} unenlightened rock covered with green scum!  These **SPECIAL** voters
} deserve sinecures at good (what the hell..) excellent pay, beautiful
} sexy partners, true happiness and eternal youth.
}
} And the one who will bring it to them is **ME**!
}
}                     ***************
}                     ******THE******
}                     ****INTERNET***
}                     *****ORACLE****
}                     ***************
}
} So don't forget to vote Oracle..
} that's
} O for Omniscient
} R for Radiant
} A for Adroit
} C for Cornucopia
} L for Lucrative
} E for Euphoria
}
} I like Oracle!  We like Oracle!  Everybody likes Oracle!
} Happy days are here again!  Only happier!
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything...really...just sit back and unplug.
} You've earned it!


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