[IO]
Internet Oracle
18 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 4:27:58 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1184

Goto:
1184, 1184-01, 1184-02, 1184-03, 1184-04, 1184-05, 1184-06, 1184-07, 1184-08, 1184-09, 1184-10


Internet Oracularities #1184    (59 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 3 Oct 2000 08:55:46 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1184
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1184  59 votes 9il74 4jie4 0bsg4 0erg2 5cke8 3eoc6 28cpc 2hta1 5kp54 38hid
1184  3.1 mean  2.6   2.9   3.2   3.1   3.1   3.1   3.6   2.8   2.7   3.5


1184-01    (9il74 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Numerate,
>
> What do you get when you multiply six by nine ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A product that no one has tried to sell on the `Net yet.


1184-02    (4jie4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, zenith of wit anti-nadir of despair,
>
> Where is Lassie now a days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    I'm afraid she fell down a well. Timmy went to get help, but none of
} the adults could understand him. She's probably still paddling.
}
}    You owe the Oracle Gaspode the Wonder Dog instead.


1184-03    (0bsg4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the heck am I stubbing my toe on every morning?!  I've moved all
> the furniture to create a nice, wide path from my bed to the bathroom.
> I even vacuum and pick up any dirty clothes, or clutter before I
> go to bed.  Yet every morning on the way to the bathroom, WHAM, I
> bang my toe into something and have to hobble the rest of the way.
> What's going on here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately even the Oracle can't see in the dark.  Though I must
} admit your subsequent cursing and hopping around on one foot on the
} slick bathroom floor is extremely entertaining.
}
} First, check to make sure you put the vacuum cleaner away.
}
} If that wasn't it, you might consider the possibility of keeping
} your room more messy.  It is a little known fact that people who
} have cluttered rooms actually have FEWER accidents than those with
} who keep their rooms spic and span.  Messy people learn to walk
} tentatively so they don't hurt themselves, no matter what they step on.
} Even something like...say...an elephant involves just a slight bump,
} then a quick backstep and some skirting.
}
} Likewise, if you were a messier person you would realise that you can't
} stub your toes on dirty laundry, or dust, and if you HAVE moved all the
} furniture out of the way, as you claim, and you are not just tripping
} over your own feet, then you must be "connecting with" some permanent
} feature of your room, such as a step, loose floorboard, wall, or your
} roommate, passed out on the floor.  All of these could be avoided by
} the simple precaution of keeping your room messy.  Then your roommate
} would go out to drink, and you'd have a nice cushion of dirty laundry
} to protect your toe from any stray cinder-blocks.
}
} However, if this is just eating you up, you are just going to have to
} catch yourself stubbing your toe, and look to see what you stubbed
} it on.  This will require falling asleep with your contacts in, and
} you'll need to strap a flashlight on your wrist, so you'll have it when
} you wake up.  Then, when you stub your toe, FREEZE.  You may have to
} jam your fist down your throat or do something equally distracting to
} keep from hopping around on one foot yelling, but it will be worth it.
} Now, shine the flashlight on your foot.  If there's nothing there,
} it's probably just gnomes, and you should just call the exterminator.
} Otherwise, you've found the offending object!  Resist the temptation to
} rip it out of the floor. Instead, take a nice, long, calming shower,
} and then set about removing it from the face of the earth.  Unless,
} of course, it's the mount for the chandelier on the floor below.
}
} You owe the Oracle a construction dumpster and a free weekend.


1184-04    (0erg2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, your knowledge is greater than the Great Lakes, and
> probably smells better too. (At least Lake Ontario has been pretty foul
> this year.)
>
> I've had answers published in the last few Oracularities digests - are
> things really that bad, that you'd stoop to printing MY wisdom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's like this: there are actually TWO Oracularities digests.
}
} The first one is just my answers.  Witty repartee, proper spelling and
} punctuation, deep and meaningful diatribes about the nature of life,
} the pursuit of women, and the achievement of happiness.  And any
} combination thereof.
}
} As you might expect, it's a complete flop.
}
} The masses using the internet don't want all that fluff and
} gobbledegook.  E-mails of complaint came in, saying "Stuff a sock in
} it," "You're wasting my time," and "You owe this Supplicant a refund."
} They wanted humour.  They wanted laughter.  They wanted long walks in
} the woods with no sex afterwards.
}
} So we obliged, and started putting their brand of humour in a different
} digest.
}
} As each user logs onto the main website, their web history is
} downloaded onto the server, where it's analyzed extensively.  What kind
} of sites did this person look at before?  What kind of humour does he
} or she like?  What kind of things do they look for?  What, if anything,
} do they write?
}
} After compiling all this data within a matter of nanoseconds, the bot
} then offers one of the two digests, depending on what it ascertains
} your I.Q. to be.  Sadly, it seems you didn't make the cut.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more receptive/intelligent audience.


1184-05    (5cke8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Look out !
> He's behind you !
>
> ______________________________________________
> FREE Personalized Email at Mail.com
> Sign up at http://www.mail.com/?sr=signup

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What!?
}
} Holy...
}
} <ZOT!>
}
} Heh, gee, thanks kid, those damn mail.com sigs are everywhere tonight.


1184-06    (3eoc6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who scores highly in the critical 18-35 male
> category...
>
> We're really in a bind here.
>
> The Olympics are nearly over and we've got terrible numbers. The latest
> returns indicate more people are watching white noise patterns than
> watching our coverage.
>
> We've dropped big cash in order to secure the rights to show these
> bloody games, and if we don't get some return, we're screwed big time.
> Please, you gotta help us!!
>
> What can we do to get more folks watching the Salt Lake City games?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Return to the time honored tradition that made the games great
} to begin with, all participants must compete while nude.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ski lift pass.


1184-07    (28cpc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Great and Explosive Oracle, I tried asking you a question in French
>  and you replied with a very rude comment about the French in
>  particular, and about anyone who would bother to speak that language
>  in general.
>
>  Here, to show you that even the French can be nice sometimes (and
>  that's not just when they are -in- Nice), I'll grovel in French.
>
>  Oracle eet ees wizz grate deeficultee zatt I adress ewe een zee
>  Frainch langwich.  I fall on zee head and cnoc out zee brain for ewe.
>
>  There.  Now can you give me an answer that is (for once) nice to the
>  French?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jean-Claude and Michelle are a couple living in France. One day, Jean-
} Claude comes home from work in the snail factory and his super hairy
} legged girlfriend Michelle says: "Jean-Claude, today ze light-bulb,
} it has gone out. You must fix it for me."
}
} And after guzzling a bottle of wine and reading a boring and absurdly
} incomprehensible novel about nothingness Jean-Claude says, "What am I?
} Ze Electricien?"
}
} The next day, Jean-Claude comes home from work in his silly little
} car that has a horn that sounds like a sick duck and Michelle, who
} has spent the day posing at a cafe pretending to be reading a tiny
} newspaper while drinking sludge says: "Jean-Claude, today ze carpet
} eet eez dirty, you must beat eet for me."
}
} Jean-Claude ponders capitulating without a fight to Germany and then
} says, "What am I? Ze Carpet-beater?"
}
} The very next day, Jean-Claude comes home from work wearing a really
} stupid beret and wearing a striped shirt even though he doesn't play
} rugby and Michele who is carrying around two loaves of really long
} bread says: "Oh, Jean-Claude, today your friend Pierre came over. He
} changed ze light-bulb and he beat ze carpet for me."
}
} Jean-Claude ponders taking a bath sometime within the next month, but
} instead says "Oh, but I know zis Pierre. He never does anysing for
} nossing.  What did he want?"
}
} "He gave me 2 choices: he said I can make him ze dinner fancy or...
} sleep wiss heem."
}
} "Which one did you choose?"
}
} "What am I? Ze Chef French?"


1184-08    (2hta1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> If humans were descended from Sheep instead of apes, what would our
> socety be like ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's curious you should ask this, I was just conferring with one of my
} interdimensional projections on this very topic.
}
} It seems there actually is a realm of existence where this is the case
} and it's quite different...
}
} For one, clothing is much easier since everyone grows their own - but
} hairdressing is a much more intimate and highly valued profession.
}
} They never invented the telephone or digital watch - since they lack
} opposing digits
}
} And they also never got into swimming - the Olympics there involve
} mostly standing around and eating grass.
}
} Teenagers like to shock by dying their wool different colours and some
} even shave all of it off and romp around "Skinfree" (as they call it)
}
} You find that most sheople (as they call themselves) simply follow
} whatever the rest of the flock is doing, and those few that refuse to
} follow the crowd are immediately excluded from most polite
} society.....at least until enough time passes such that their behaviour
} becomes commonplace.
}
} And they make jokes about various farming nationalities enjoying
} intimate relationships with baboons.
}
} Hmmm....on reflection it seems that humans are pretty much the same,
} even when descended from sheep.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Woollen Monkey
}
}  From the Incarnation of The Lone Tomato


1184-09    (5kp54 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Did I win?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a little early for that Al, don't ya think?
}
} Oh heck, what does it matter? Of course you win. You promised the
} most goodies, it's yours, you paid for it with working people's cash
} fair and square. That's how the game is played.
}
} You owe the Oracle some tapes on learning Mandarin so I can train
} the priests to field questions from the upcoming rulers of the planet.


1184-10    (38hid dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle Most Wise
>
>  How did you become The Oracle ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Vocational Councilors Report - Mt Olympus Deity School
} -----------------------------------------------------
}
} Students Name: Heronymous J. Barklefleem
}
} Heronymous will not be an easy placement, I have assessed his
} suitability for the available positions..
}
} God Of War - Heronymous is the smallest boy in the class, and is
} constantly the victim of bullying, even from Aphrodite and some of
} the lesser Nymphs.
}
} God Of Thunder - Heronymous is asthmatic - enough said.
}
} God of Hunting. - Heronymous is very lazy - all that getting up at
} dawn to wade around in the swamp up to his waist in water would not
} appeal to his delicate sensitivities.
}
} God of Wine - Can't hold his liquor, sneaked a single glass of wine
} from the teachers cafeteria, ended up dancing naked on the table,
} and was hung-over for a week.
}
} God of Love - Trust me, if you'd seen him dancing naked on the table,
} you'd know how - ahem - unqualified - for that job he is, if you know
} what I mean.
}
} God of Sport - Heronymous is always the last chosen for class sports.
} Constantly falling over his own feet, easily injured, often trampled
} under foot by the bigger boys.
}
} As you can see, none of the available placements are at all suitable,
} perhaps we can create a new position, more suited to hs unique
} "talents" - perhaps God of Geeks or somesuch, although we may have
} to work on the job title.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org