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Internet Oracularities #1185

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1185, 1185-01, 1185-02, 1185-03, 1185-04, 1185-05, 1185-06, 1185-07, 1185-08, 1185-09, 1185-10


Internet Oracularities #1185    (56 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 8 Oct 2000 18:39:49 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1185
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1185  56 votes 2et92 49gk7 4gie4 4ang3 4cik2 4fhf5 4gp92 arg21 28hhc 57did
1185  3.0 mean  2.9   3.3   3.0   3.1   3.1   3.0   2.8   2.2   3.5   3.5


1185-01    (2et92 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to be a Country and Western singer, but I don't want to sing
> about "my honey done left me and my dawg done died."  Are there any
> other good themes in that genre?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are no good themes within the genre, musical misery is the aim
} and is demonstrated both in the arrangement and the lyrics.
}
} The other country themes are:
}
} My automobile
}
} How I ended up in the state pen
}
} neither makes for much inspiration...
}
} If you really must afflict the world with your vocals, the Oracle
} recommends breaking the mould, take your inspiration from real life
} or failing that Jerry Springer. sample lyrics:
}
} I was asked on Jerry Springer,
} was sure I'd be ok,
} I was asked on Jerry Springer.
} And now my wife is Gay.
}
} I married me a stripper
} Her mom she is a ho'
} Her best friend's lesbian
} I never saw their show
}
} I took up my shotgun,
} Got in my pickup truck
} Drove me down to mawmaw's
} to kill that little *bleep*
}
} Mawmaw's teenaged boyfriend
} he tackled me outside
} thats when ole duke got shot
} mans best friend done died
}
} etc
}
} This way you encompas all country themes draw in factors familliar to
} your intended audiance and have infinite possibilities for infidelities
} deaths, destruction, and pets.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rethink on that job in McDonalds.


1185-02    (49gk7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle wise:
> Why do Haikus make me sad?
> I don't understand.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Haikus make you sad?
} Perhaps you should try lowkus
} They may cheer you up!
}
} Lowkus are haikus
} With not so lofty subjects.
} Here are two good ones:
}
} A spring robin hangs
} From the frozen maple branch
} He's been there since fall.
}
} New smells reach my nose.
} From whence they came, no one knows.
} Perhaps Gary's clothes?
}
} Are you smiling now?
} If not, it is the meter,
} that makes you depressed.
}
} If you feel better,
} Then it's the high-brow factor.
} Try reading some Seuss.
}
} You owe a book of
} Booger and garbage lowkus
} To the Oracle


1185-03    (4gie4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh oracle most wise, will i find what i'm looking for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will find it when you stop looking.  Allow me to illustrate with
} the following koan:
}
} If you have ice cream, I will give you some.
} If you have no ice cream, I will not.
}
} This is known as the ice cream koan.


1185-04    (4ang3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: <d_hemming@yahoo.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey great one, I bow before thee and such things and so on,
>
> How do I stop falling before I hit the ground?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since you're in a hurry - what with your parachutes having failed
} and all - see that lake to your left?
}
} You _just_ have time if you steer toward it.... NOW!
}
} Oh... hey... those are Ice Skaters!
}
} You would have owed the Oracle a large bass.


1185-05    (4cik2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh, Oracle most wise, bountiful, and all that other stuff....
>
>  In the course of an ordinary day, a question arose that completely
>  baffled me. So, naturally, I logged onto the computer and put it to
>  work. I calculated mass, trajectory, the gross national product,
>  certain variables of space and time, the number of firing neurons at
>  three in the morning (both with and without the coffee factor,) did
>  hours of research on the internet, and finally came up with this
>  inescapable conclusion:
>
>  Men aren't from the same planet women are.
>
>  The problem is, I don't have enough of a system to research further.
>  All answers point towards the fact that not only are they from a
>  different planet, they may be from a different universe, and possibly
>  from a different dimension, or all three.  In the interests of
>  science, what are the signs I should look for in order to push this
>  project to it's end and come up with a inarguable theory?
>
>  Thanks,
>  A Puzzled Theoretic Scientist

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle: Class, what is the main problem with this query?
}
} Student #1: It goes on for too long!
}
} TIO: Please elaborate.
}
} Student #1: He talks and talks about this great theory he's concocting,
} but instead of asking what dimension people are from or what the
} quickest route is, he keeps rambling!  And then when he finally does
} shut up and get down to the nitty gritty, he goes and asks the wrong
} question!
}
} Student #2: Well, maybe he just likes to do all his own work.
}
} Student #3: Yeah, unlike -some- people I could mention.
}
} TIO: But ...?
}
} Student #4: But he admits the limitations of his own system.  He says
} that there's no way he would be able to calculate properly with his
} current capabilities.  He's dead in the water!
}
} Student #1: See?  Then he -does- ask the wrong question!
}
} Student #5: Well maybe he's just a sexist pig.
}
} TIO: I beg your pardon?
}
} Student #5: It's obvious.  He's just some geek who obviously doesn't
} know how to talk to a woman, much less date one, so he comes up with
} some crazy theory, saying "Oh, men and women are so different; oh,
} they're from different planets, that's why they don't understand each
} other; oh my gosh, I can't fathom the woman's soul."  Please.  Women
} are about as deep as flatware.
}
} Student #2: Hey!
}
} Student #5: Er, no offense.
}
} Student #1: Besides, he says it's all scientifically based.  Maybe it
} started out as a pet theory, and maybe he is a geek who doesn't know
} any better, but this has changed into science.
}
} TIO: And of course we all know how infallible human science is.
}
} [class erupts in laughter]
}
} Student #6: [chuckling] Wormholes!
}
} Student #3: [guffawing] Super-strings!
}
} Student #4: [bent over, barely able to breathe] Dark matter!
}
} [yet more laughter]
}
} [much, much later, when the class has quieted down...]
}
} TIO: [still smirking] And so we see the main problem with this query:
} it's based on the "scientific" assumption that there's such thing as an
} inarguable theory.
}
} ***RIIIIIIIIING***
}
} TIO: And that's all the time we have today.  You owe it to the Oracle
} to read chapters three and four, and write a satirical essay entitled
} "What's Wrong With Human Science," due Monday.


1185-06    (4fhf5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
>  Why is it that so few super-heros have a normal love life ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it all broke down when Spiderman refused to kill the bug in
} the bathroom for philosophical reasons.
}
} You owe the Oracle a really, really big rolled up newspaper.


1185-07    (4gp92 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Mighty Oracle, who can bend rivers with his bare hands,
>  Change the course of mighty steel,
>  And who, disguised as himself,
>  Fights for truth ... and, er, answers, and, um ...
>
>  Okay, so what -do- you fight for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A seat on the bus every morning.
}
} You owe The Oracle a job closer to home.


1185-08    (arg21 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose soul still burns, whose legend will never die, please
> tell this, your most humble servant, this:
>
> Do all of the characters have third costumes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the budget was a little light this year, what with the fire
} in the gymnasium and that PTA lawsuit over a certain illicit ingredient
} in Ms. Pope's holiday brownies. Therefore, the characters will all have
} one-third costumes.
}
} You owe the Oracle the front and middle of the horse.


1185-09    (28hhc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most morally upright & virtuous Oracle, my fairest, my espoused,
> my latest found, Heaven's last, best gift, my ever-new delight!
>
> How does disarmament differ from walking around nude?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Disarmament separates you from your phallic substitute. Walking around
} nude shows the world why you need one.


1185-10    (57did dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whaddya mean, "42???"  My calculations show that the answer is 26!
> I've checked very thoroughly, and it's right!  So where do you get off
> with 42??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, use whatever tire pressure you feel comfortable with.
}
} It's *your* Ford Explorer.


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