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Internet Oracularities #1187

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Internet Oracularities #1187    (67 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 20 Oct 2000 10:15:38 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1187
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1187  67 votes 3fmi9 2hqg6 9bfgg 6ash6 eaof4 4lnf4 adhcf 4cqg9 1elhe 2ckp8
1187  3.2 mean  3.2   3.1   3.3   3.1   2.8   2.9   3.1   3.2   3.4   3.4


1187-01    (3fmi9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> i had to create two tables the first in navigator and the second in sql
> plus. The first table went ok until i tried to enter the second table.
> I keep getting error on line 4 ora-00907 missing right parenthesis.
>
> this is the information in the table:
> create table products
> (model_number varchar2(15) primary key,
> product_description varchar(65) not null,
> product_line char(1) foreign key(product_lines),
> list_price number(6,2) default=0,
> retail_price number(6,2) default=0,
> manufacturer_code varchar2(3) foreign key(comp_manufacturers),
> stock_on_hand number(3,0) default=0,
> last_recieved_date date not null);
>
> thanks
>
> kevin

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know the frustration of making tables.  Here are some tips:
}
} 5 QUICK TIPS in the workshop
}
} 1 KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE FENCE when cutting wood on a table saw. If you
} can keep a space from opening up between the fence and your workpiece,
} your cut should be straight. You can watch the blade like a hawk and
} still have a cut that meanders all over the board.
}
} 2 DUST YOUR WORK between sanding passes - particularly before the finer
} finish sanding. That way you're less likely to get "squiggle" marks
} when a bit of coarse grit gets ground into the surface by your
} vibrating block sander.
}
} 3 HOOK YOUR FINGERS over the fence of your table saw when cutting - if
} you can - or place your hands so they rest at least partially on the
} table. Then if the wood slips, your hands won't automatically follow in
} the direction of the blade.
}
} 4 FEED THE SAW slowly, so the motor slows down about 10 percent, but
} not so slowly that the wood binds in the kerf.
}
} 5 CURVES ARE EASIER to cut on a band saw and the thinner the blade the
} better.
}
} One other that I don't normally list because it tends to frighten
} people away is:  "Keep you eye on your work.  And if you do, make sure
} the saw blade has come to COMPLETE stop".
}
} I have tried to reproduce your "table" from your blueprint
} specifications. I think it's safe to say the finished product will be a
} toilet.


1187-02    (2hqg6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Such profound wisdom and wit has the Oracle, he's banned in 9 states.
> (Coincidently, all of those states are south of the Mason-Dixon.)
>
> Great Oracle, please tell me:
>
> Today we are forced to celebrate "Boss's Day" and pay homage to a
> person we neither like nor respect, a jerk of an individual who makes
> 8 hours of our day, 40 hours of our week, 10080 hours of our year a
> living hell. He makes a living off of long lunches and meetings where
> they sit and eat donuts while they drone on endlessly about things
> they have no intention of changing (unless, somehow it would make
> our lives more miserable). If he's in a crummy mood, we are the ones
> that pay for it. And as if that wasn't enough, we have to sign a card
> and tell him how happy we are to have him as our boss? Can you tell
> me how this got to be so screwed up? Why don't they have a pissed-on
> employee day, where just for one day, we could pretend that we have a
> job that we like. Where the boss who can barely make eye contact with
> us, unless he's telling us how worthless we are, has to suck up to
> us and tell us how glad he is that we work here.  Sure, it'd be fake,
> but so are boob-jobs and you don't hear any men complaining.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bosses day!?!  Excellent!
}
} PRIESTS!!! Get in here!!!  And bring a card...
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice box of chocolates and a foot rub.


1187-03    (9bfgg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most dastardly of dastards, most fiendish of fiends, most wisest
> of wise Oracle,
>
> How can I take over the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Scene: stock footage of Acme Labs, and suddenly we're inside.  There's
} a cage on a table nearby, with tons of pseudo-scientific equipment as a
} backdrop.  The camera goes towards the cage, and we can see two mice
} going about what could definitely be described as un-mouselike duties:
} the thin and tall one is bouncing about, apparently quite giddy, and the
} short stocky one is mulling over what can only be miniaturized
} blueprints.  The tall one stops bouncing momentarily as a rare
} occurrence takes place: a thought crosses his mind.  Thus consumed, he
} turns to his companion.]
}
} Pinky: Gee, Brain, what're we going to do tonight?
}
} Brain: What we do every night, Pinky: try to take over the world!
}
} Chorus:
} "They're Pinky and the Brain,
} They're Pinky and the Brain;
} One is a genius, the other's insane.
} To prove their mousy worth,
} They'll overthrow the Earth;
} They're Pinky,
} Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain
} Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
} Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!"
}
} Brain: That song makes my head hurt, Pinky.
}
} Pinky: Narf!
}
} Brain: My plans for taking over the world have all ended in failure,
} Pinky, and do you know why?
}
} Pinky: Um ... bad hygiene?
}
} Brain: No.
}
} Pinky: Er ... you're topologically unsound?
}
} Brain: This is a game that could take centuries to complete.  I'll just
} tell you, shall I?
}
} Pinky: Oh, goody.
}
} Brain: I've never bothered to ask for advice.  All I have for an
} assistant is a brain-dead simpleton who couldn't add two sums and get a
} whole number.
}
} Pinky: I've got plenty of holes, Brain.
}
} Brain: Don't tempt me, Pinky.  But this is all going to change.  At
} long last, I have found an advisor worthy of my immense cranial
} capacity, a wonder of knowledge and wisdom far surpassing any mortal!
}
} Pinky: Dwight Yokum?!
}
} [Brain wallops Pinky with a rolled-up blueprint.]
}
} Brain: No.  I speak of none other than: The Internet Oracle!
}
} [Insert angelic choir here]
}
} Pinky: [Awed tone] Wow.  [Beat]  Who's he, then?
}
} Brain: Apparently, he's some sort of deity that was trapped by a mortal
} into answering questions to various geeks around the globe.  I have sent
} an e-mail to him asking how I might best take over the world, and his
} response is due any time now.
}
} Pinky: I knew a geek once.  He bit the head off my favourite chicken.
}
} Brain: [stunned momentarily, then decides to go on regardless] Shall
} we?
}
} [Pinky nods, and pulls out from under his bed a carton of cartoon
} holes.  They place one over the cage door, and easily step from the cage
} to the lab.  -Much- easier than picking the lock, wouldn't you say?]
}
} [They scurry on over to the computer, and Pinky does the muscle work in
} pressing the POWER button.  In true cartoon-style, they don't even have
} to wait for it to boot up, and the e-mail program launches
} automatically.]
}
} Brain: [peering at the screen]  It's here, Pinky!  Look!  [He points to
} an incoming e-mail whose subject reads "The Oracle Replies!"]  Quickly,
} Pinky; the mouse!
}
} Pinky: [frightened]  A mouse?!  Where?!
}
} Brain: The big half-spherical grey thing!
}
} Pinky: Oh, well why didn't you just say so.  [Begins to move the mouse
} about with only a modicum of difficulty.]  Where would you like it,
} Brain?
}
} Brain: Put the mouse down, Pinky, back on the mat.  Remember how I
} showed you?
}
} Pinky: Narf!  Sure thing, Brain.  [Sets the mouse down rather heavily
} on his right foot.  He cries out in pain, pulls his throbbing red foot
} out from underneath, and begins hopping about in agony]
}
} Brain: Thank you, Pinky.  I'll just use the keyboard.  [He hops around
} on the arrow keys for a bit until the message is selected, and then hits
} the ENTER key.  The message pops up, and he begins scrolling down with
} the arrows.]  Hmmm.  It seems that the Oracle is more inclined towards
} humour than helping me with my current dilemma.  Pinky, are you
} pondering what I'm pondering?
}
} Pinky: I think so, Brain; but I don't think icicles -grow- in Bermuda.
}
} Brain: Never mind, Pinky.  I'm afraid we'll have to go to Plan B!
}
} [Insert stunningly evil crescendo]
}
} Pinky: Do we even -have- a Plan B, Brain?
}
} Brain: We always have a Plan B!  It just usually ends up being Plan A
} in the next episode.
}
} Pinky: Whoopee!  We get to go to Plan B!  We get to go to Plan B! [Hops
} up and down, dances around a bit, and gets bonked on the head by Brain
} again.] Narf!
}
} Brain: Down, Pinky.  This plan is quite dangerous: we have to go to
} Arabia!
}
} Pinky:  Ooooo, I've always wanted a baby of my very own, Brain!
}
} Brain: A-RAB-I-A, not a-baby-a!  We need to find the famous Aladdin's
} Lamp!
}
} [A very large segue later, Brain and Pinky are in a desert, dressed in
} Arabian garb and shielding themselves from the ever-present winds.
} Brain appears to be consulting an oversized map of some sort.]
}
} Brain: Over there, Pinky!  According to the satellite feed, there's a
} huge cavern just underneath the sand someplace.
}
} Pinky:  Um, Brain?
}
} Brain:  Not now, Pinky.  We've got to find an entrance to the
} subterranean depths.
}
} Pinky: But Brain --
}
} Brain: I said not now, Pinky.  [Turns the map around a couple of times]
} It's so difficult to read these things...
}
} Pinky: Brain!
}
} Brain:  What, Pinky?!  [Looks towards him only to see Pinky's head
} barely sticking out of the sand, and sinking fast.  His eyes go wide.]
} Hold your breath, Pinky!  I think you've found something!  [He dives in
} to the quasi-quicksand, and they both go under.]
}
} [New scene: it's dark.  That's pretty much it.]
}
} Pinky: Brain?
}
} Brain:  Yes, Pinky?
}
} Pinky:  Where are we?
}
} Brain:  We must be underneath the surface of the desert.  If my
} calculations are correct, Aladdin's Lamp must be nearby!
}
} Pinky:  But Brain?
}
} Brain:  Yes, Pinky?
}
} Pinky:  Can you see?
}
} Brain:  No.  But that will not stop us from being successful in our
} objective!
}
} Pinky:  But how are we supposed to find this thingy if we can't look
} for it?
}
} Brain:  I've got a flashlight around here somewhere.  Here it is.
}
} [With an echoy *click*, we can just make out the dim shapes of Pinky
} and the Brain standing in a just-sized-for-them cavern, holding an
} oversized flashlight between them.]
}
} Pinky:  Brilliant, Brain.  But how did you carry the flashlight all
} this way?
}
} Brain:  The miracles of modern cartooning, my dim-witted friend.
} Forward, march!
}
} [The two mice make their way more or less evenly along the impossibly
} small cavern.  Cut scenes show them crawling over cave-ins, digging
} through blocked passageways, and in many other ways traversing what is,
} to them, a mighty big series of tunnels.  Finally they manage to crawl
} into a huge cave, and the flashlight's glow magnifies a hundred times,
} as if intensified.]
}
} Pinky:  Brain!  It's be-you-tiful!
}
} [Indeed it is.  There is gold, silver, and various other shiny baubles
} piled up everywhere in the cave, with a shimmering dirt path snaking its
} way through to a far wall.]
}
} Brain:  Come, Pinky!  Leave the gold; we have greater things ahead of
} us!
}
} [The two rodents race down the golden path, through the door inset the
} far wall, and beyond.  After a long race, they finally make their way to
} a towering pillar placed in the middle of an underground lake.
} Together, they make their way up the steps, each aiding the other in
} taking the first, second, third, twenty-seventh, thirty-fourth, five
} hundredth step upwards.  Finally, gasping and heaving, they make it to
} the top, where a cylinder of light envelops a glistening object.]
}
} Pinky: It doesn't look like much, Brain.
}
} Brain: Appearances can be deceiving.  There is no doubt an entire realm
} of magical properties trapped within that deceptively subtle-looking
} lamp.
}
} Pinky:  [Awed]  Naaaarf.
}
} [Brain pulls out a large bag from somewhere off-screen, takes a good
} look at the lamp, and pours some dirt from the bag, weighing it in his
} hands before he dumps about half the bag off the side of the pillar.
} Finally, after much hemming and hawing, he makes the switch!]
}
} Brain:  [Holding the lamp above his head]  I've got it!
}
} [There is an audible *CLICK*, and then a small rumbling begins.  The
} bag of dirt begins to sink into the pillar.]
}
} Pinky:  [Cowering]  Uh-oh...
}
} Brain:  Never fear!  If this is indeed Aladdin's Lamp, we shall be
} saved momentarily!  [He starts rubbing the lamp.  The bag of dirt has
} sunk completely by this point, and has been replaced by a billowing
} plume of fire.  The lake below begins to boil.  Brain, panicky now, is
} rubbing the lamp every which way.]  How do you work this thing?
}
} Pinky:  [Frightened]  Brain ...
}
} Brain:  Quiet, Pinky!  I'm trying to concentrate!  [Continues rubbing]
}
} Pinky:  But Brain ...
}
} [Brain finally has enough, and bonks Pinky on the noggin again.  That
} seems to knock some sense into the lamp, and so it isn't too long after
} that a djinn appears with the accustomed smoke trail leading back into
} the lamp's mouth.  He (if a gender can be applied to a semi-deistic
} entity) appears a bit bored, even with the explosions nearby.]
}
} Djinn:  I am the Genie of the Lamp, yada yada yada, what'dya need?
}
} [An explosion rocks the pillar.  Brain and Pinky peer over the edge:
} the pillar seems to be on the verge of tumbling into the boiling lake
} below!  Brain gets up and looks the djinn straight in the eye.]
}
} Brain:  Get us out of here!  Now!
}
} Djinn:  [Shaking his finger]  Ah ah ah; what about the magic words?
}
} Brain:  [Taken aback for the moment, but recovers quickly.]  Please!
}
} [The pillar begins to topple.  Brain and Pinky grab hold of the nearest
} relatively stable object they can find, which just happens to be each
} other; naturally, this does not help their predicament.  The djinn seems
} happy to tilt along with the pillar in a strange display of how
} orientation can be relative in three-dimensional space, assuming one
} doesn't care where one lands.]
}
} Pinky:  I wish we were home right now!
}
} Djinn:  Done!  [He snaps his fingers just before all three land in the
} steaming body of water, and with a puff of smoke the trio find
} themselves locked safely away in their cage.  The mice begin stripping
} off their Arabian outfits while Brain gives the djinn what-for.]
}
} Brain:  What kind of genie are you?  When I give you an order, you obey
} it!  When I tell you what I want don --
}
} Djinn:  Your wish is my command!  [He snaps his fingers again.  Brain
} stops in mid-sentence, the full realization of what just went on
} beginning to connect in his brain.  Pinky, of course, remains
} oblivious.]
}
} Pinky:  Boy, Brain, am I hungry.  I wish I had a *hrmmph!*  [Brain has
} covered up Pinky's mouth and manages to subdue him just as the djinn was
} beginning to snap his fingers.  Slowly, carefully, he peels his hand
} back.]  What'd I say, Brain?
}
} Brain:  This is a genie, Pinky, otherwise known as a djinn in the
} Arabian tongue.  They're only allowed to give us three wishes, and we've
} already used two:  one to get out of the cave where we located his lamp,
} and the second as a direct order to do whatever we say.  We only have
} one wish left, and then he's gone forever!
}
} Pinky:  Sorry, Brain.  I wish *hrmmph!*  [Brain subdues Pinky again,
} and looks to the djinn with an evil look in his eye.  He doesn't even
} bother to savour the moment.]
}
} Brain:  Genie, I wish for the world!
}
} Djinn:  [shrugs]  Sure thing, pal.  [He snaps his fingers, and there's
} a puff of smoke that takes up the entire screen.  Just before the screen
} clears, we can hear Brain crying out]
}
} Brain:  I did it!  I did it!  I own the world!
}
} [The smoke clears, and Brain freezes in mid-air.  There, in-between
} himself and Pinky, stands the world -- or, rather, a miniature mounted
} globe.  Brain slowly descends to Earth, his jaw wide open.  Pinky walks
} over to it and pushes it along its rotation.  It squeaks.]
}
} Pinky:  It's ... it's kind of small, Brain ...
}
} Djinn:  [From somewhere off-stage; ethereal]  Like it?  It spins!
} Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ...
}
} Chorus:
} They're Pinky; Pinky and the Brain Brain Brain Brain Brain!
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a better defined wish, and a djinn that doesn't like
} practical jokes.


1187-04    (6ash6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How many times do I have to tell you--type question, THEN press "Send."
} How would you like it if I pressed "Send" before finishing writing your


1187-05    (eaof4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Why is the ocean blue?  It makes it very confusing when looking out
> at the sea.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, fish pee in the ocean.  Someone was just kind enough
} to add urinal cakes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the hit movie, "Flipper gets potty
} trained."


1187-06    (4lnf4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Coffee!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc makes slow "bubble popping" sounds with his mouth, the sounds
} then pick up speed. Then Zadoc pantomimes drinking from a mug, he
} pauses and slowly opens his eyes quite widely. He leaps up and rushes
} around the room.
}
} Toaster!
}
} Zadoc stops. Tilts his head back. Waits, then pops his tongue out
} accompanied with a loud slap on his thigh.
}
} Lawyer!
}
} Zadoc starts humming the "Jaws" shark attack tune, DA DOT! DA DOT!
} He then rushes into the crowd and tries to take the wallet out of a
} man's back pocket.
}
} The assembled others clap politely. Improv night at the Priest's
} commissary might seem droll to outsiders, but it was a highlight
} of the week for those who lived full-time at The Temple.
}
} Camel Caravan with a Drum Solo!


1187-07    (adhcf dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle so wise,
>
> Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. When
> someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply
> remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.
> End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some
> of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
>
> * When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
> pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors.
> They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with
> this?
>
> * I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in
> Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
> price for her?
>
> * I also know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is
> in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem
> is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
>
> * Now I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
> 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
> to kill him myself?
>
> * Then, Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that
> are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans
> but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
>
> * A friend of mine also feels that even though eating shellfish is an
> abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than
> homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
>
> * And Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
> have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.
> Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
>
> I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
> can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal
> and unchanging.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, these are tough.  Normally that wouldn't concern me, since I know
} everything, but just to be on the safe side, I'm going to shunt this
} one right over to God.  God, take it away:
}
} Thus spake God:
}
} Thanks, Orrie.  You know, Supplicant, it's a real pleasure to deal with
} people from the "old school" way of thinking.  That whole business with
} the virgins, the apostles, the terribly messy death, the resurrection
} what a hassle!  And you're absolutely right not to have a thing to do
} with it.  I considered turning back time and doing the whole thing over
} again, but then Orrie here was kind enough to point out that humans
} would come up with something silly along the same lines anyway, so here
} we are.
}
} Anyway, to get to your questions:
}
} > * When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
} > pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors.
} > They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with
} > this?
}
} You're comparing the wants of a few petty mortals against the will of
} your God?
}
} 'Nuff said.
}
} > * I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in
} > Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
} > price for her?
}
} Normally I'd suggest a few gold coins, but in this day and age that's
} not really practical, since the government has actually done a smart
} -- thing for once and is hoarding all the gold it can find.  Not to
} mention that if you -were- to sell your daughter, you would only get a
} single payment of maybe a few bucks and then you're back in the red.
} No, it's much better to -rent- your daughter out to a few men at a
} time, as in Genesis 19:8.
}
} > * I also know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is
} > in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem
} > is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
}
} You have to remember that these rules were written back when almost the
} entire population of the planet was very close together -- indeed, it
} would not be uncommon for the whole of the female population to begin
} and end their menstrual cycle on the same day.
}
} Nowadays, however, with the advent of artificial lighting, the natural
} biorhythms have been subdued, and so now it is possible for any woman
} you come in contact with to be unclean, and there's really no way of
} knowing.  Normally, this would mean you're unclean every time you so
} much as touch a woman -- unless, of course, you "know" she's clean --
} but this is one rule I'm willing to bend the rules on.  Don't ask,
} don't tell.
}
} > * Now I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
} > 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
} > to kill him myself?
}
} Back in the days when I was first starting out (in the book of Exodus,
} as you were so kind to reference) it was found necessary to stone the
} individuals who dared to break the sanctity of that of most holy days.
} Fortunately, with an increased following, I was able to take vengeance
} Myself as soon as a few decades from there, known in Biblical terms as
} Jeremiah 17:27, thus not having to temporarily revoke one of the ten
} commandments.
}
} > * Then, Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that
} > are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans
} > but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
}
} Your friend is quite right.  Canada doesn't count as a nation.
}
} Don't ask.
}
} > * A friend of mine also feels that even though eating shellfish is
} > an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than
} > homosexuality.  I don't agree. Can you settle this?
}
} All abominations are more or less the same.  You break the Sabbath,
} your soul will die.  You murder, your soul will die.  You commit
} adultery, your soul will die.  All are on a pretty level playing field.
} I wouldn't worry about it, though; you'll get to plead your case on an
} individual basis once you die, and I'll decide then.
}
} > * And Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
} > have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
} > glasses.  Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle
} > room here?
}
} Where do you think the term "20/20" came from?  You surely didn't think
} that was just an optometrist catch-phrase, did you?
}
} Unfortunately, what with the rising number of people with vision
} problems, it looks like I'd lose a good sixty percent of my following
} if I started enforcing this strictly, and an all-out miracle of that
} sort of scale would make the sort of headlines I just can't afford.
} First it's correcting vision, and next thing you know I've got six
} billion phone calls for lottery numbers the next day.  Ugh.  No thanks.
}
} So don't worry.  You can keep going to the tabernacle with no fear of
} divine retribution.
}
} All these questions and more are why I have been considering a new and
} improved Torah, which is currently in the editing stages.  What with
} the legal department breathing down my neck, the politically correct
} faction, and various minority groups clamoring for attention, it
} doesn't look like it'll hit the stores before 2936, and I fully plan to
} have annihilated the Universe long before then.  In other words, it's
} probably going to be a no-go.  Which is just as well, as with the
} revisions, additions, footnotes, and appendix, the NIT would be well
} over sixty-three volumes, which might be a tad difficult to cart back
} and forth every seventh day.
}
} In the meantime, feel free to contact either Orrie or Myself, and we'll
} try to lay any fears you have to rest.
}
} Oh yes, and one thing Orrie asked me to add: you owe your eternal soul.
}  To Orrie or to Me; your choice (but if I were you, I'd take under
} consideration that Zadoc didn't just appear out of thin air...)


1187-08    (4cqg9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, almighty, all-knowing, benificent, magnificent, but oh-so-nice
> Oracle, you may recall (964-05) the campaign of General Failure against
> Wilhelm von Gates. I was just wondering... what was the eventual
> outcome? I've been wondering for quite some time now... had to go on
> holidays, you see.
>
> Thanks.
>
> Oh, by the way -- here's that apple I owe you. Nice and red, too.
> Enjoy!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You may recall... of course I recall! What, do you think I got my
} omniscience out of a cereal box?
}
} Dash it, supplicant, have you any idea how long it's been since I
} asked you for that apple? If you were going to take this long about
} it, you could have at least picked a better colour than red - Bondi
} blue, or lime, or one of the swank graphite ones, for instance.
}
} When last we left good General Fault, commander of the forces of the
} realm of Dahz, his back was against the wall in his battle with the
} eeville Kaiser Wilhelm von Gates and his blitzkrieg legions of
} Wyndos. In a desparate move, Fault turned to you for tactical advice.
}
} Boy, was that a mistake. You, my friend, couldn't tactic your way out
} of a pile of wet toilet paper if you had scuba gear and a plasma arc.
}
} It is now the year 2000, and the forces of Dahz have been
} defeated; Dahz is now subservient to the terror of Wyndos, a mere
} shell of its former glory. To add to the ignomy, poor General
} Faults very own brother, young Protection, has become the Kaiser's
} right hand man, bringing his master a destructive new sonic
} weapon. Few survive the Blue Scream of Death!
}
} All has not been smooth sailing for Kaiser von Gates, however. A
} recent tangle with a great power known as the Doj ended in defeat,
} even though von Gates has emerged unscathed. But it has shown there
} are limits to his power.
}
} But now, two new threats loom on the horizon. First, rumours of a
} mysterious masked man known as System X have been trickling out of the
} land of Jobz. Will System X be a true challenge to Wyndos 2000, or
} will he simply turn out to be von Gates's long lost brother? Only
} Chim-Chim knows for sure...
}
} But the greatest of the New Hopes is the great Horde from the
} east. Editor, compiler and linker are to them what ponies, stirrups
} and archery sets were to the Mongols. They are called the Linuks, and
} their leader is the great general Linus of Finlandia. The strength of
} Linuks has been growing steadily, and none have been as mighty since
} the elder days of Dahz. Can the barbarians bring down the mighty
} Empire of Wyndos 2000?
}
} Now you know how the lines are drawn, supplicant - and knowing is half
} the battle! Choose your sides wisely.
}
} You owe the Oracle a secure message to my chief of staff, Commodore
} Amiga.


1187-09    (1elhe dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> How was the Universe actually created ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How, how, how.  Everybody wants to know HOW the universe was
} created.  Was it created by some divine being or did it explode out
} of nothingness? Oh, and lets not forget WHY. Why was the universe
} created? Why am I here? blah blah blah. Other than the handful of
} astronomers who want to know WHEN, all I even hear is HOW and WHY.
} Does anybody ever think to ask WHERE the universe was created? Nooooo,
} nobody ever asks WHERE the universe was created. It doesn't matter to
} them WHERE the universe was created. They're too wrapped up in their
} own tiny self-absorbed world to wonder WHERE the universe was created.
} Well I'll tell you WHERE the universe was created. Right smack-dab in
} the middle of my rose garden that's where. Now instead of a gazebo I
} have a globular cluster. Instead of worrying about black spot I have
} to deal with black holes. And that Orion Nebula that everybody oohs
} and aahs about wiped out my prize winning Bloomfield Dainty.
}
} You owe the Oracle a BIG can of universicide.


1187-10    (2ckp8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wisest Oracle you are the smartest entity to ever have rewritten
> a kernel with nothing more than cat and a cup of coffee,
>
> Why can't the boss stick with one position for a whole year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A whole YEAR ????
}
} If you've got a boss who's capable of maintaining a consistent position
} for more than an afternoon, you're doing well !
}
} The Oracle is aware of bosses who are capable of adopting up to
} 17 mutually exclusive positions simultaneously. And berating their
} employees for non-compliance with 16 of them the following day.
}
} In fact, the mind of the average boss is the nearest thing you'll
} find to a real-world example of Quantum theory.
}
} Want to see the superposition principle in action?  Ask which of the
} 10 items on your 'to-do' list has the highest priority.
}
} Want to see the Uncertainty principle in action ?  Ask if you can
} take some time off next month.
}
} Want to see an example of Quantum Tunneling ?  Watch how the effect
} of your good work leaps straight from the departmental bonus-pool
} into your boss's bank account.
}
} You owe The Oracle a PHB whose memory stretches beyond yesterday
} lunchtime.


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