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Internet Oracularities #1188

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1188, 1188-01, 1188-02, 1188-03, 1188-04, 1188-05, 1188-06, 1188-07, 1188-08, 1188-09, 1188-10


Internet Oracularities #1188    (61 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2000 10:59:43 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1188
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1188  61 votes 4drf2 3bmi7 6eod4 86pbb 8lp70 17qk7 4bhch 5bjga 6apg4 7ggac
1188  3.1 mean  3.0   3.2   2.9   3.2   2.5   3.4   3.4   3.2   3.0   3.1


1188-01    (4drf2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ORACULARITIES FINAL: ESSAY SECTION
>
> * Answer as many of the following as you can in the allotted time.
>
> * You will be graded on quality, not quantity, of answers, although if
> you answer more then three, the lowest scorer will be removed from your
> final score, and if you answer all six, the lowest two scorers will be
> removed from your final score.
>
> * Assume proper grovel was given, unless instructed otherwise.
>
> * You have 1 hour.
>
> 1. Answer the question "Who will win the U.S. Election this November?"
> while avoiding actually mentioning any candidates, and at the same time
> not invoking any conspiracy theory.
> 2. Answer the question "" without resorting to the words "Null
> Question". You may assume no grovel was given.
> 3. Answer the question "What is Unix?" in the form of a parody of
> either a Billy Joel or Madonna song.
> 4. Answer the question "What joke goes with the punchline "So the cop
> says, "Mister, I wasn't referring to the duck."?" with an answer that
> makes the resulting joke as unfunny as possible while the overall
> answer remains humorous.
> 5. Answer the question "I dunno, what do you wanna do?" with an answer
> that includes as many In-Jokes as possible. Include pointers to the
> source material if you think any In-Joke is particularly obscure.
> 6. Answer the question "Is that a woodchuck in your pocket or are you
> just happy to see me?" with a punishment not involving the Zot staff.
> You may assume no grovel was provided.
>
> BONUS:
>
> Write a long, rambling parody of "Survivor", including as many
> characters from both classic literature and video games as possible.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle closed his eyes and rubbed the center of his
} forehead with the fingertips of one hand as he held the exam in
} the other.  Zadoc, in his customary kneeling position before him,
} face to the floor, trembled in anticipation.
}
} "Zadoc, Zadoc, Zadoc...what have I told you about exams for the
} Incarnations?" the Oracle asked with exasperation.
}
} "Your cleverness, you have said that such would be unnecessary  as they
} are filled with your divine being when they answer and, thus, have no
} need for the application of their own intelligence and creativity,"
} the Chief Priest replied, speaking to the tiles.
}
} "So, ah, what is this?"
}
} "An exam for Incarnations, oh all knowing one."
}
} "Mm hmm."  The Oracle paused to let this sink in, then continued.
} "Let's examine the questions, shall we?"
}
} "Most certainly, your-"
}
} "Shut up, Zadoc.  Now, number one.  You'll only be able to use that
} for another month and everyone will know the answer.  Besides, after
} the junta takes over in March, that won't be a concern anymore."
}
} "I forgot about the junta..."
}
} "I know.  Well on to number two.  The infamous blank question."
} The Oracle frowned.  "You forgot about the form answer we give out
} for that one, didn't you."  It wasn't a question, but Zadoc tried to
} answer before being cut off again, "tut, tut.  Don't try to deny it.
} I know you forgot.  Zadoc, you've got to pay more attention to
} internal memos."
}
} With a heavy sigh, the Oracle turned to the third question.  "You know
} Madonna always gives me a headache.  And Billy Joel?  He  hasn't
} had a hit since Usenet started.  If you're looking for creativity,
} try someone more obscure than these hacks.
}
} "As for number four," the Oracle went on, "that joke wasn't funny to
} begin with."
}
} "Number five is quite a good one, your omniscience," Zadoc squeeked.
}
} "In jokes?  IN JOKES?  I'VE HAD IT WITH BLOODY IN JOKES!" the Oracle
} shouted as he pointed the Zot Staff in Zadoc's direction.  The air was
} charged with tension as the High Priest trembled on the floor.  "Bah,
} we both know it's just a way for you to get your name mentioned."
} The Oracle replaced the staff in its holder.
}
} "Hmmm...the less said about number six, the better."  Oracle passed
} on to the final question.  "'Survivor'."  He suppressed a shudder.
} "I'd rather hope that our incarnations hadn't actually watched that
} particular travesty.  I suppose that's asking too much, though."
}
} The Oracle paused.  "Zadoc, get up.  You know, I've thought of a use
} for this thing after all."
}
} A hopeful smile crossed the High Priest's face. "Indeed, Omnipotent
} One?"
}
} An evil grin spread slowly across the Oracle's face.  "Indeed,
} Snivelling One.  The priesthood needs a shake up, starting at the
} top..."  Zadoc's smile turned to a look of dread. "...I think THEY
} should be taking this little test of yours.  And I'll make sure you
} get full credit for it.  Oh, and I'll make up a new one, just for you."
}
} You owe the Internet Oracle a grovel set to the music of Kurt Weill.


1188-02    (3bmi7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 'Ello?  What's all this, then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not quite. Try it again, please.
}
} > 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello?  What's all this, then?
}
} That's better. Remember there must always be three 'ellos.
}
} > Why?
}
} Tradition. Now, you've alerted the suspect to your presence. What do
} you say next?
}
} > Freeze, sucker!
}
} That's all very well if you're packing a Magnum .44, but British
} bobbies go around unarmed.
}
} > You're kidding! How do you avoid getting wasted?
}
} We're light on our feet. Anyway, the next thing we say is, "'Ere, I
} want a word with you, sonny".
}
} > It all seems kind of... well, wimpy.
}
} I suppose so. In this country, too, there are those who believe in zero
} tolerance law enforcement and opt for a more aggressive approach. They
} skip the initial exchange of pleasantries and move straight on to
} "You're nicked, sunshine".
}
} > And that really works?
}
} Most of the time. Your old-time villain will generally respond, "You
} got me bang to rights, copper" and come quietly. Recently there has
} been a distressing trend amongst the younger elements of the criminal
} fraternity to blow our brains out with their sawnoff at this stage, but
} we try not to dwell on such setbacks.
}
} > Okay. So I say, "You're nicked, sunshine". Then what?
}
} The next important part of policing is your appearance in court at the
} suspect's trial.
}
} > Oh yeah. I've been practising that.
}
} Excellent! Let's hear it then.
}
} > I was proceeding in an easterly direction when my attention was drawn
} > to a felony taking place in the aforesaid premises.
}
} That's very good indeed. Only one tiny detail - we tend to say "a
} easterly direction", not "an".
}
} > Why?
}
} I don't know really. It just sounds more authentic.
}
} > "A easterly direction". Got it.
}
} Well, I believe that's enough for our side of the Anglo-American
} Exchange of Police Tactics Programme for today. Would you care to take
} over?
}
} > Sure thing, bud. Now this morning, I was going to teach you limeys
} > how to beat up black kids, but I gather you don't need any lessons
} > from a yank on that front. So instead, we'll have a practical session
} > on blowing away innocent bystanders.
}
} Oh, super!


1188-03    (6eod4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Holy Oracle, is Britney Spears really the anti-Christ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yup,
}
} Millions want to nail her - but not to a cross.
}
} You owe The Oracle a packet of paper-clips.


1188-04    (86pbb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0086_01C0288E.99285C00
> Content-Type: text/plain;
> charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64
> dCB0b28gbG93IGFjY2lkZW50YWxseS4gIEFuZCBpdCBpcyBhbHNvIGN1cmlvdXMgdGhh
> YXMgdGhlIEF1c3RyYWxpYW4gY29hY2ggd2hvIG5vdGljZWQgdGhlIHByb2JsZW0gQkVG
> eSBvZiBoaXMgZ2lybHMgd2VudC4gV2FzIHRoYXQgYSBibGF0YW50IGNoZWF0IG9yIHdo
> YXQ/DQo=
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0086_01C0288E.99285C00
> Content-Type: text/html;
> charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64
> CjxIVE1MPjxIRUFEPg0KPE1FVEEgY29udGVudD0idGV4dC9odG1sOyBjaGFyc2V0PWlz
> MjMxNC4xMDAwIiBuYW1lPUdFTkVSQVRPUj4NCjxTVFlMRT48L1NUWUxFPg0KPC9IRUFE
> bGUsIG1vc3QgYXRobGV0aWMuIFdoYXQgdGhlIGhlY2sgaGFwcGVuZWQgDQp3aXRoIHRo
> d2FzIHNldCANCnRvbyBsb3cgYWNjaWRlbnRhbGx5LiZuYnNwOyBBbmQgaXQgaXMgYWxz
> b2JsZW0gQkVGT1JFIGFueSBvZiBoaXMgZ2lybHMgd2VudC4mbmJzcDtXYXMgdGhhdCBh
> dGFudCBjaGVhdCBvciB3aGF0PzwvRk9OVD48L0RJVj48L0JPRFk+PC9IVE1MPg0K
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0086_01C0288E.99285C00--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Darkness.
}
} From the shadows stepped a silhouette, ever so slowly making his
} careful way upon the marble floor.  Step, pause, step, careful not to
} make the slightest sound.  A scuff of the foot, the creak of a bone,
} the waft of air escaping lips - none of this could be afforded.
} Shoeless (for sneakers would squeak and betray his position), Kendai
} made his trip to the Oracular Terminal.
}
} He knew better.  Obviously.  If he didn't, he would have just walked
} right up to the console, set off billions of alarms, tripped millions
} of triggers, turned on all the lights, and therefore been stopped
} before he could so much as answer a single question.  But not this
} time.  The power had been temporarily cut to everything but the
} computer; there was no stopping him now.
}
} He hoped.
}
} He reached the Terminal, and sat down in the cushioned throne.  He
} winced at the squeak as the padding adjusted to his particular
} posterior, and tensed for a moment as he considered leaving, giving up
} on the whole idea.  But the chamber was silent, and no guards seemed to
} be about.  No, it was still safe.
}
} He flicked on the monitor, squinting at the sudden glare, and then the
} hard drive.  The anti-noise buffers kicked in, rendering the scene
} completely silent as the system began to make its seemingly slow way to
} activation.  Finally, the auto-loader punched up the e-mail program,
} and a light flashed: You Have Mail!
}
} He smiled.  At last, he could be an incarnation.  "Dude," he muttered,
} congratulating himself, "most awesome work."
}
} He was so enthralled when he double-clicked on the first message that
} he didn't even notice the white hands until it was too late.
} ---
}
} Zadoc was up, as usual - or rather, it should be said he was down,
} since he was on his hands and knees attempting to get a particularly
} nasty zot stain out of the kitchen tile.  The burn mark stretched from
} just in front of the cutting board clear over to the refrigerator --
} practically seven feet! -- and was refusing all regular avenues of
} previous success.  The smell of burnt flesh hung over the air, hence
} the main reason Zadoc was attempting to clean.  It was immensely
} difficult to so much as prepare food in such an atmosphere, let alone
} eat a midnight snack*
}
} He dunked the sponge once more in the semi-acidic soap solution and
} prayed the gloves would hold, just as he always did.  Then out comes
} the sponge, rub rub rub, and no result.  "Damn," he mumbled, "who was
} supposed to know the Oracle doesn't like humus?"
}
} He was so intent on his work he didn't see the many pairs of black
} shoes until it was too late to scream.
} ---
}
} Lisa was curled up in the dark, trying to get some sleep.  She always
} had trouble dozing off, due to her libido, and even the seventeen
} sessions they had gone through tonight barely took the edge off.  But,
} as usual, she had to be careful she didn't tire anyone out too much,
} ever since that one night in Philly where she had squeezed that poor
} man to his death.  Ah, well, at least he had died satisfied, which was
} more than she could say.  It wasn't easy being a net.sex.goddess, that
} was for sure.
}
} She shivered a bit, and tried to pull some more covers from her Orrie's
} grasp.  Surprisingly, she was successful, and then she realized the
} main reason - he wasn't there.  Well, he only needed about fifteen
} minutes of rest per day, maximum; he was probably downstairs answering
} more questions.  She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on
} getting some rest.
}
} She was almost out when she suddenly smelled chloroform, and from then
} on nothing would wake her for a while.
} ---
}
} The Oracle was restless.  He had sent Zadoc to get him a midnight snack
} over an hour ago, and there was still no sign of the lazy bugger.  He
} started to head into the kitchen, and noticed the abandoned bucket and
} sponge just before he stepped in.  Wait just a minute...
}
} His omnipotence didn't help him this time, and he was knocked over the
} head with his own Zot Staff just as he caught sight of several MIMEs.
} ---
}
} All four woke up, and instantly regretted doing so.  Heads pounded,
} curse words were muttered, and the bonds were just a bit too tight.
} Worse yet, they were surrounded by the MIMEs of Format.
}
} Will our heroes survive?  Will the Oracle be able to fight off the
} MIMEs with both his arms and his legs tied behind his back, and the Zot
} Staff nowhere to be found?  Who is behind all of this nonsense, anyway?
}
} That's what you get for sending MIMEs to the Oracle, and now you may
} never know.  Unless, of course, if you also sent a duplicate message
} (#QsXa4Ct), in which case you'll find out shortly...


1188-05    (8lp70 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest the
> pubic hairs of your enemies,
>
> When will peace come to the Middle East ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid it will have to wait until Israelis have a government that
} understands a couple of important points...
}
} 1. You can only make peace with your enemies.
} 2. The use of helicopter gunships as crowd-control
}    measures doesn't help.
}
} You owe The Oracle a politician with a clue.


1188-06    (17qk7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, if you were to answer my humble question I could
> drop dead right now, and still be the happiest person alive!
>
> Will I be rejoined with my recently departed kitty in the
> afterlife?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed you will! In fact, you are in for a treat, because you will
} experience the unsurpassed joy of sharing the greater part of eternity
} with every single organism with which you've ever had an intimate
} relationship here on earth. The list includes, but is by no means
} restricted to:
}
}   * your ex-wife
}   * 3 ex-girlfriends
}   * your mother
}   * your neighbors
}   * Uncle Ralph
}   * your last 5 bosses
}   * your analyst
}   * your network administrator
}   * an income tax inspector called Mervyn
}   * 2 telesalesmen called Eddie and Leroy
}   * a young lady who provides "personal services" under the name of
}     Colette
}   * the guys from the garbage truck, whom you signally failed to give
}     a Christmas bonus 28 years in a row
}   * the bar bore who tries to collar you almost every Friday night in
}     order to describe his cyst to you
}   * Puffy Benger, the kid who used to beat you up every Monday morning
}     in 3rd grade
}   * Osgood Kurtz, the school football coach who thought you needed
}     "toughening up" (well, that's what he called it)
}   * John and Leanne, your local Jehovah's Witnesses, who visited your
}     house 2395 times without ever being let in (and who will be
}     somewhat surprised to see you there)
}   * a rottweiller called Caligula (yes, that's the one)
}   * 112 head lice
}   * 596 birds
}   * 23,858 earthworms
}   * 914,477 spiders
}   * 2.4 million mosquitoes
}   * 47 million ants
}   * 151 million houseflies
}   * 4.964 trillion dust mites
}   * 36.487 billion trillion rhinoviruses
}   * and a short-lived population of 265 million gonococci courtesy
}     of Colette, which I probably oughtn't to have mentioned as you
}     haven't met them yet
}
} Oh yes - and apart from kitty, you will also be joined by 6 other cats
} you have owned at some stage or another, plus 3 strays that you left
} food out for. The cats do not get on - you know how territorial they
} are - and spend the entire afterlife fighting. This is not a good idea.
} Did you see that film with Meryl Streep called "Death Becomes Her"? You
} get the picture.


1188-07    (4bhch dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where to me to find the adherent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Sigh) Another glueless newbie.


1188-08    (5bjga dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most whitely enameled Oracle, whose biting sarcasm leaves dental
> impressions suitable for forensic analysis in my spirit, please answer
> this question for your humble supplicant:
>
> How did they decide on the size for a single sheet of toilet paper?
> It never really ever gets used in that unit, so how did they arrive at
> it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The original half-assed decision.


1188-09    (6apg4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are any people ever born with tales?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not anymore, we've lost ours. They died a slow painful death once the
} printing press made full length navels a possibility for everyone.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book-length pun.


1188-10    (7ggac dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Undeniably Wonderful Oracle, you shine through where others
> see only clouds.  Only you can help me out of my depressing situation.
>
> I have always had a great interest in cosmology, the study of the
> Universe and all the manifestations of stars, planets, and their
> creation.  Knowing this, my loving mother arranged for me to be sent
> (after her death, it turns out) to a school where I could learn
> cosmology.  I guess something went wrong in the communications of her
> wishes.  I was sent to the Penzance School for Cosmetology, and have
> now been working for the past 24 years as a hairdresser, not at all
> what I intended.  I would take up anything else, even piracy or
> singing, to find a way into an academic department of cosmology, where
> I feel I belong.
>
> As both my parents are long dead, you are the only one I can turn to in
> my time of need.  Please help me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So -
}
} You want to be the model of a modern astrophysicist
} Instead your mother sent you to the college of a frizz-icist
} Naturally you're pissed off at your late mom's lapse of sense and this
} is Why you wrote the Oracle, the one with powers limitless
} Piracy's an occupation frowned upon by gentlefolk
} Those that hear you singing wish that you would either stop or choke
} Neither path can get you closer to your dream in any case
} And be cheered that the amatuer astronomer can still make good
}
} And be cheered that the amatuer astronomer can still make good
} And be cheered that the amatuer astronomer can still make good
} And be cheered that the amatuer astronomer can still make good
} And be cheered that the amatuer astronomer can still make good
}
} Hale and Bopp and Shoemaker, his partner Levy and the rest
} Can still outshine the professors at MaunaKea (they're the best)
} At finding objects moving quickly through the nighttime sky
} Who's to say that you won't be the very next new comet guy?
}
} At finding objects moving quickly through the nighttime sky
} Who's to say that you won't be the very next new comet guy?
}
} Why on earth do you object to living among in pretty girls?
} The living a beautician makes is well beyond the 'stronomer's
} The romance of a night spent gazing up at all the stars
} Is known to unhook brastraps like a mousetrap falling down the stairs
}
} What better way to keep warm out there in the field of telescopes
} Than wrapping arms around her and compare her eyes to antelopes
} Cosmology as conversation is deadmeat it is DOA
} You're better off a hairdresser you date much better any day!
}
} Cosmology as conversation is deadmeat it is DOA
} You're better off a hairdresser you date much better any day!
} Cosmology as conversation is deadmeat it is DOA
} You're better off a hairdresser you date much better any day!
}
} You owe the Oracle a d'Oily Carte


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