} Good question. Actually, it's a stupid question, but I am having a
} good day today, and wish to encourage the supplicants. Let's look at
} the list:
} Drink Coffee: This is the most popular method, but has a lot of
} difficulty issues because you have to pick the bean, tumble it, sort
} it, roast it, package it, ship it, and then it has to processed to be
} extracted into a water solution. Then you have to add sugar, milk, or
} all kinds of flavoring. But most users don't worry about anything but
} the end product, and it is convenient for them, except price.
} Chew Coffee: They do have chocolate-covered beans in the local Oracle
} Candy Store, I assume they have ones for mortal stores as well. But
} this is not good for those with dental work, and will not keep you warm
} in the ski lodge.
} Snort Coffee: Apart from sinus problems, this will show a tell-tale
} brown stain around the nose. People will think you really like your
} superiors. This also doesn't get much into the bloodstream, and the
} unused dust is blown out with your next sneeze.
} Inject Coffee: While tech support people joke about this frequently,
} there are a lot of problems associated with the delivery of the
} product. Flat veins, unsterilized needles, and kinked tubes are just
} some of the problems. While this does deliver the coffee to your
} bloodstream the most direct way, the results are not quite as pleasant
} as one might think. Artificial creamer, for instance, will do all kinds
} of nasty things to heart valves. Ever have sugar crystals form in your
} pancreas? Well, neither have I, but it doesn't sound too pleasant.
} And even if you like your coffee straight black, the effects of
} replacing your bloodstream with Folger's Instant causes a lot of people
} to get all bug-eyed and run about like crack addicts, shaking
} uncontrollably and forget sitting still for final exams. Ever try and
} pull an overnight shift while barking uncontrollably? No? Uh, well,
} then neither have I. Let's move on...
} Absorb Coffee: Cellular osmosis is slow in humans. But if you are a
} paramecium, this may be the ONLY way to wake up in the morning and
} prepare yourself for the day's slide showing.
} Think Coffee: This just causes eventual drinking of coffee. It's a
} redundant step, and only keeps you awake if you reward yourself with
} coffee afterwards.
} Be Coffee: While meditating about coffee can be stimulating, if you
} actually become coffee, you will be find that being drunk is not as
} pleasant as you were told in college. Being drunk sucks... or should I
} say, slurps.
} So drinking coffee seems to be the best way to get it into your system
} if you are human. Many experiments by hundreds of professors with high
} IQs have never been made on this topic, but we're sure they'll agree,
} especially the ones that owe me money.
} You owe the oracle a double-cup half-caff latte <woof!> ... and some
} sound-activated citronella spray.