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Internet Oracularities #1189

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1189, 1189-01, 1189-02, 1189-03, 1189-04, 1189-05, 1189-06, 1189-07, 1189-08, 1189-09, 1189-10


Internet Oracularities #1189    (72 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2000 09:18:48 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1189
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1189  72 votes 18zia 1aukb 7foec 4kte5 5kAa1 28orb 28iln 2goka 5ioi7 2osf3
1189  3.2 mean  3.4   3.4   3.1   2.9   2.8   3.5   3.8   3.3   3.1   2.9


1189-01    (18zia dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  I hate visiting small towns.  After you see the memorial cannon
>  in the park, there's nothing else to do.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tough one... erm, don't visit small towns?
}
} Okay, Okay. Sheesh, a two line of question and they want a novel!
}
} Fine.
}
} Here's a top ten list.
}
}                                       _     _   _
}                                      / \   / \ / \   ---
} _____________________________________| |___| |_| |___0___________
}
}    ten things to do in a small town after having visited
}                   the memorial cannon
} ------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} 10) Stick your head into the barber shop and yell, "Luke is back
}     in town!"
} 09) Call up the high school and ask if the prom queen from last
}     year ever fessed up to having killed you
} 08) Go to the diner, sit at the counter, buy a cup of black coffee,
}     drink it real slow, don't talk to anyone, then stand up, slam
}     the appropriate amount of change on the counter then announce
}     loudly, "Now, to go and meet my real father!"
} 07) Walk around taking pictures of the roads, hint that you represent
}     a company that bought the rights to tear them up and ship them
}     to Japan
} 06) Stand in the middle of main street at 11:58am, then look at your
}     watch at 11:59am and state, "I can't go through with this. I
}     promise Myrtle my gun fighting days were over. And they are."
}     Then mosey off in the direction the sun will be setting later
}     on in the day.
} 05) Go to a farmhouse and tell them you're a traveling salesman
}     and your car broke down
} 04) Tell everyone you're related to the guy that invented the
}     'Deklab' cap
} 03) Tack up 'Lost gold fish' posters all over town
} 02) Argue with the guy at the gas station about the name of the
}     town, tell him your GPS read says that you're in Bonn
} 01) Go to the local Baptist church and tell them the Internet
}     Oracle told you to stop by and say 'Hi'
}
} You owe the Oracle a map of Bonsal, California.


1189-02    (1aukb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't I have everything free for nothing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you thought this though Supplicant?  Everything free for nothing;
} everything in the world that is free would arrive on your doorstep (at
} no cost to yourself, however!)  You'd be looking at a delivery of five
} million free pens, three million gallons of beer (in "33% extra free!"
} portions), twelve tons of bacon (two free slices!), a mountain of pasta
} (buy one get one free!) and best of all those free gambling services
} would all arrive on your doorstep!  Money city!  Seems pretty good huh?
} But then the trouble starts.  Free Nelson Mandela?  What would you do
} with the ex-President of South Africa?  Patrick McGoohan?  He's not a
} number he's a free man!  The world population of dolphins, which all
} that tuna meat is free of?  Pretty frightening thought, isn't it?  But
} that's not where it ends.  It fact it would probably never end!  You
} see with the recent advent of mobile phone packages giving away free
} minutes every day it's very likely that you would be trapped in a time
} warp that would make The Philadelphia Experiment look like a highschool
} physics experiment.
}
} No my dear Supplicant, there are very good reasons why you can't have
} everything free for nothing.  Which brings me nicely to this: you owe
} the Oracle a better appreciation of the laws of thermodynamics.


1189-03    (7foec dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> If I concatinate you with the oracle in Delphi, what do I get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two complaints about your misspelling of concatenate.


1189-04    (4kte5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, please tell this lowly supplicant...
>
> I'm torn between "fighting the Man" and "selling out to the Man."
> Could you give me the pros and cons of each?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that depends on who "The Man" is.  Let me help you get the ball
} rolling with an example comparison.
}
} If "The Man" is a World Heavy Weight Boxer
} Fighting the man: PRO
} Lots of publicity on ESPN
} Fighting the man: CON
} Could lose an ear (either knocked off or bitten off.)
} Selling out to the man: PRO
} Minor cash compensation
} Selling out to the man: CON
} It would cost you more to sell the very idea to him than you are worth.
}
} If "The Man" is the President Of The United States
} Fighting the man: PRO
} Lots of publicity on National TV
} Fighting the man: CON
} Arrested and beaten by the Secret Service and no chance of winning the
}   trial.
} Selling out to the man: PRO
} Minor cash compensation
} Selling out to the man: CON
} "The Man" is "into" female interns and isn't interested in you.
}
} If "The Man" is CEO of Microsoft
} Fighting the man: PRO
} Lots of publicity on Network News
} Fighting the man: CON
} The last person to throw a pie at the man is still in jail.
} Selling out to the man: PRO
} Thousands to millions of dollars depending on the value of your
}   product.
} Selling out to the man: CON
} Windows remains most widely used OS in the free world.
}
} If "The Man" is head of your department
} Fighting the man: PRO
} Lots of publicity around the water cooler.
} Fighting the man: CON
} Unemployment stress.  Writing and rewriting your resume.
} Selling out to the man: PRO
} Weekly cash compensation.  The continued opportunity to enjoy the
}   grovelling of Dilbert & Wally.
} Selling out to the man: CON
} Weak cash compensation.  Loss of your own self esteem by having to
}   continually grovel like Dilbert & Wally.
}
} So, Supplicant,
} Decide exactly who "The Man" is in your case and then fill out a
} comparison chart similar to the one above.  Then use logic to weight
} the merits of each as shown above.  Make your choice based on which has
} the most value to you.
}
} You owe the Oracle consultation fees of $1000.  Cash.
} Paying the Oracle:
} Continued opportunity to use the Oracle for pressing questions
} Not Paying the Oracle:
} Zadoc will be knocking on the door with the staff of ZOT later this
}   week to break both your knees.


1189-05    (5kAa1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Supplicant has nothing to ask.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Supplicant is a liar.  The Supplicant had plenty to ask, and I
} shall give it a list of the kinds of things it might have asked, had it
} not been so impudent and foolish:
}
} Why is my dog eating the chewing gum?
}
} Is there hope after marriage?
}
} Which horse is going to win at Belmont?  (This one is always good for
} an enigmatic reply!)
}
} Who are the other Oracles, and why do they not have e-mail addresses?
} (I warn you, if you had asked this one, you would have been in for it!)
}
} What color is a red rose?  (Almost self-grovelling.  What a stupid mind
} you have.  I can see why you lied about not having a question!)
}
} You owe the Oracle a -good- question.


1189-06    (28orb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Why do people drink coffee ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question.  Actually, it's a stupid question, but I am having a
} good day today, and wish to encourage the supplicants.  Let's look at
} the list:
}
} Drink Coffee: This is the most popular method, but has a lot of
} difficulty issues because you have to pick the bean, tumble it, sort
} it, roast it, package it, ship it, and then it has to processed to be
} extracted into a water solution.  Then you have to add sugar, milk, or
} all kinds of flavoring.  But most users don't worry about anything but
} the end product, and it is convenient for them, except price.
}
} Chew Coffee:  They do have chocolate-covered beans in the local Oracle
} Candy Store, I assume they have ones for mortal stores as well.  But
} this is not good for those with dental work, and will not keep you warm
} in the ski lodge.
}
} Snort Coffee:  Apart from sinus problems, this will show a tell-tale
} brown stain around the nose.  People will think you really like your
} superiors. This also doesn't get much into the bloodstream, and the
} unused dust is blown out with your next sneeze.
}
} Inject Coffee:  While tech support people joke about this frequently,
} there are a lot of problems associated with the delivery of the
} product. Flat veins, unsterilized needles, and kinked tubes are just
} some of the problems.  While this does deliver the coffee to your
} bloodstream the most direct way, the results are not quite as pleasant
} as one might think. Artificial creamer, for instance, will do all kinds
} of nasty things to heart valves.  Ever have sugar crystals form in your
} pancreas?  Well, neither have I, but it doesn't sound too pleasant.
} And even if you like your coffee straight black, the effects of
} replacing your bloodstream with Folger's Instant causes a lot of people
} to get all bug-eyed and run about like crack addicts, shaking
} uncontrollably and forget sitting still for final exams.  Ever try and
} pull an overnight shift while barking uncontrollably?  No?  Uh, well,
} then neither have I.  Let's move on...
}
} Absorb Coffee:  Cellular osmosis is slow in humans.  But if you are a
} paramecium, this may be the ONLY way to wake up in the morning and
} prepare yourself for the day's slide showing.
}
} Think Coffee:  This just causes eventual drinking of coffee.  It's a
} redundant step, and only keeps you awake if you reward yourself with
} coffee afterwards.
}
} Be Coffee: While meditating about coffee can be stimulating, if you
} actually become coffee, you will be find that being drunk is not as
} pleasant as you were told in college.  Being drunk sucks... or should I
} say, slurps.
}
} So drinking coffee seems to be the best way to get it into your system
} if you are human.  Many experiments by hundreds of professors with high
} IQs have never been made on this topic, but we're sure they'll agree,
} especially the ones that owe me money.
}
} You owe the oracle a double-cup half-caff latte <woof!> ... and some
} sound-activated citronella spray.


1189-07    (28iln dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A million times a day the Wise Oracle thinks a thought far too
> weighty for mortals to comprehend. Hear me please Splendid One,
>
> What mysteries does the American Dream hold?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Will I get the loan?
} Do I have the down payment?
} Will I really have to eat Ramen for thirty years?
} I just locked in my rate! What do you mean the interest rate dropped
}   three percent?
} I just gave you a check for $9,000! Why do I have to pay you another
}   $300?
} You're my neighbor?
} Is that your stereo?
} Can you turn it down?
} Where the @#$! are the movers?
} What do you mean lost?
} How could you confuse Virginia with Illinois?
} When *will* you arrive?
} What am I going to sleep on for three weeks?
} Why isn't my stove getting hot?
} Where's the damn warranty?
} What do you mean appliances aren't covered?
} Do you deliver?
} Did I close my sunroof before it started raining?
} What is dripping on my head?
} Why is there a big water spot on the ceiling?
} Where the $@#! is the attic entrance?
} Where's the rest of the chimney!?
} What do you mean chimneys aren't covered!?
} Which aisle has tarps?
} Do you take Visa?
} Why did I decide that this was a good idea?
} Why didn't I decide to take tomorrow off?
} HEY, DO YOU MIND? WOULD IT KILL YOU TO TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN?
} ARE YOU DEAF AND DUMB OR JUST STUPID?
} Have you been working out?
} Would someone call an ambulance?
} Do you accept Aetna health plan?
} Why is a cab ride from the hospital $40?
} Who locked the door?
} Where are my house keys?
} Where did I see that ladder?
} What's the problem officer?
} Well, why is it that you don't show up when I'm beaten silly, but now
}   you're hassling me while I try to get into my house?
} Why would my driver's license have an address for a house I just bought?
} Does the ink from the fingerprinting wash off?
} Didn't I ride in your cab from the hospital?
} How could this ride cost $60!?
} Why's my back door open?
} Who are you?
} Does it look like I have any valuables?
} Can you at least leave me the phone?
} Hello?
} New Haven Realty?
} Can I list my house through you?
}
} You owe the Oracle 3%.


1189-08    (2goka dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Extraordinary Oracle, you already know the nice things I'm about to say
> about you.  Indeed, you already know lots of stuff, and you even
> already know that you already know just about everything, so why am I
> bothering to tell you?  Because you ASKED me to!  You wanted a grovel,
> and I'm grovelling to the best of my limited ability, which consists
> mostly of restating the obvious.  So when I grovel to you it sounds as
> if I am being overcome by a fit of recursion, when I'm merely trying to
> say that you know that you know that you know all there is to know and
> then some.
>
> Could you give me an example of that last third-order kind of
> knowledge, where you know that you know that you know?  Because I
> surely don't know!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, okay.  Here goes:
}
} First order:
}
} "I know."  What I know.  You know nothing at this stage, and in fact I
} know that you know nothing, and I know that you know that I know what
} you know, but you don't know because you're not in yet.
}
} Second order:
}
} "You know."  What you know.  I know what you know, but you only know
} what you know, and not what I know; you know enough to know that you
} know, but not enough to know what you know not, which is pretty much
} everything, which is what I know.
}
} Third order:
}
} "I know."  Now, when I say that I know, you know that I know, and thus
} I know that you know that I know because I know what you know, and thus
} we both know what the other knows, only you don't know what I know,
} because that would be telling.
}
} In case you're curious, fourth looks like this:
}
} "You know."  Knowing that you know, or rather, what you don't know, is
} knowing that you know nothing, which I know, and you know that I know
} because of the third order knowledge you know of above.
}
} Fifth is just a tad bit more complicated, and looks like this:
}
} "I know."  I know that you know that I know that you know that I know,
} but nothing is stopping you from knowing that I know, unlike the
} knowing above, where you know that you know nothing but know not what
} it is you don't know.  I know what I know, and I know what I don't
} know, which is nothing, since I know what I know and even what I don't
} know, which means that I don't know nothing at all.
}
} Scientists theorize that there could be as many as forty-seven orders
} of knowledge, but such heights of knowledge are far too high to pursued
} by mortal minds such as yours.  Be content with knowing what you know.
}
} You owe the Oracle ... well, you know.


1189-09    (5ioi7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O all-knowing Oracle and all that stuff -
>
> Why do I have to go to London when I actually want to go to Paris?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Come on, you can't fool me. You really are going to the Netherlands
} to visit the prostitute district, I know, you know, the airlines know
} it... and that explains your travel route. You'll see London, You'll
} see France, then and only then you can see someone's underpants.
}
} It's one of those cosmic rules.
}
} You owe the Oracle an itsy-bitsy spider and a tornado over the Zuider
} Zee.


1189-10    (2osf3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, you spend all your time answering questions posed to you
> by real (if idiotic) supplicants who actually have something better to
> do with their time.
>
> I (on the other hand) am a bit of an idiot.  I spend all my time asking
> questions of a Totally Mythical Oracle who has nothing better to do
> with his time than to answer blithering idiots.
>
> Which of the two of us is the more pathological?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A bit of an idiot, you say? Don't be so hard on yourself young chap.
} We all take a tumble down the well of stupidy from time to time, it's
} all part of getting up in the morning and putting two legs into the
} same pant leg. But if it will make you feel any better I have this
} elixir, a wonderful potion of potency, that will stir your intellect
} to stand with the greats. Socrates, Plato, Aristotle... all customers
} of mine and do you know what they were before they met me? Do you?
} Idiots. Complete and utter prats, couldn't even figure out which foot
} to put their sandles on. But... one drop of this... taken seven times
} a day for seven months and you'll be as sharp as the proverbial tack.
} So, what do you say supplicant?
}
} Hmmm... let's try this again. Me Oracle have juicy-juice make you
} smart... umm... not so dumb-dumb. Drinky drink seven, umm... ten
} times a day. Okay? Okay.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bit of that savant.


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