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Internet Oracularities #119

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119, 119-01, 119-02, 119-03, 119-04, 119-05, 119-06, 119-07, 119-08, 119-09, 119-10


Usenet Oracularities #119    (13 votes, 3.1 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 16 Feb 90 23:24:34 GMT

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119   13 votes 03361 27211 24421 11551 03190 23530 03820 20461 03172 42232
119   3.1 mean  3.4   2.4   2.7   3.3   3.5   2.7   2.9   3.3   3.6   2.8


119-01    (03361 dist, 3.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does it mean when a girl keeps scratching her belly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Sigh.  The Oracle despairs of ever being asked a precise question.
} The key issue here is under what conditions does she keep scratching
} her belly?
}
}    - If she has just fallen in poison ivy, then your asking implies
}      that you are too foolish to understand this reply.
}
}    - If she is pregnant then she is probably worried about the odd
}      twinge she feels right _there_.
}
}    - If she is slovenly then it is probably fleas.  (The Oracle will
}      not comment on the particular girl to whom you refer.)
}
}    - If she is extremely attractive, single, and intelligent, then
}      it means that she has a horrible, fatal, communicable disease
}      that only the Oracle can cure.  You should not date her, but
}      instead send her name, address and phone number to the Oracle.
}
}    - If she is ROTC then this is a mating signal.  Go and give her a
}      hug.
}
} However, if she fits into none of the above categories, then her
} persistent scratching probably means that her belly itches.


119-02    (27211 dist, 2.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle,
>
>   It is now approximately 2:00am and I have been bothered by a severe
> affliction.  by a severe affliction.  I seem to repeat things twice.
> things twice.  Do you know how to cure how to cure this problem this
> problem?  Ack Ack It's It's Getting Worse Worse Getting!!
>
>   Hi this is his brother!  The cat just peed on the keyboard and its
> starting to smoke and spaR ;uwv/kbv'owyv &*878|\[[ *OUCH* Spark!  Should
> we also kill the cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have pondered your question deeply.  Here is what you must do.  Go to
} the nearest 24-hour grocery store and buy fifty packages of gelatin.
} The brand is not important.  Put the gelatin in your bathtub and fill it
} with hot water.  When it starts to set, get the cat and put it in the
} tub.  Then wait.  You will be contacted with further instructions.


119-03    (24421 dist, 2.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it worth buying rechargeable batteries for my vibrator ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That will all depend on the size and output vpm (vibes per minute).  If
} you have one of these "Mega Black Mamba Thumpers", then definitly as the
} batteries will only last a few minutes - even car batteries can't keep
} up with these babies.  But on the other hand (oops is there a pun
} there!) if you bought on to supliment you boyfriend then a couple of
} digital watch batteries will be sufficient s(t)imulate your needs.
}
} But it sounds like you are in need of satisfaction real good!  So why
} not dump the vibro' and boyfriend and give me a call:
}
} oracle@sex.satisfy.chains.edu
}
} you owe the oracle a good time.


119-04    (11551 dist, 3.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Which is better; a good woman, or a good cigar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Sigh.  Again, the Oracle despairs of ever being asked a precise
} question.  You neglected to specify for what purpose these were being
} compared.
}
}    If you want to know which is better for lighting with a match so as
} to generate carcinogens and announce to all the world that you have
} certain sexual fixations, then the cigar is better.
}
}    If you want to know which is better as a companion for life, a
} President of the United States, or a way to keep warm, then a woman is
} better.
}
}    However, the Oracle is all-knowing, and know that in this case you
} were referring as to how to best satisfy your own carnal desires.  In
} this case the answer is the cigar, but that is only because you happen
} to be a *very* weird individual.  When you are done, you might want to
} light up a woman and relax...
}
}    In payment for this wisdom you owe the Oracle a decent question.


119-05    (03190 dist, 3.5 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHO
> IS
> THAT
> GUY
> THAT
> IS
> ALWAYS
> WATCHING
> ME?
>
> He follows me when I go to school.  He follows me when I go home.  He
> follows me when I go to work.  He's always there, rain or shine.
>
> I know he's not good.  He must be evil.  I know this because he has bad
> taste-- he watches me even when I'm on the toilet.
>
> Oh, Oracle, what do I do?
>
> People tell me I'm paranoid.  They say that I'm imagining things.  They
> keep insisting that I'm wrong, wrong, wrong.  They think I'm weird
> because I'm an English major.
>
> I enjoy being an English major.  English professors tell you how to
> write correctly.  They teach you to use refrains, like:
>
> Oh, Oracle, what do I do?
>
> And neat poetry things like that. They
>
> TEACH
> YOU
> TO
> WRITE
> IN
> STRANGE,
> WONDERFUL
> FORMS
>                           to modify
>                                   your expression
>                                                      .
>
> But this guy's still following me.  He's probably looking over my
> shoulder, breathing down my neck, even as I write this.
>
> I wonder what he wants.
>
> Oh, Oracle, what do I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't be alarmed.  It sounds like nothing more than your Guardian Nerd.
} Angels are now in short supply, so other types are being recruited to
} the Guardian business.  Even though you are an English major (and, by
} the way, congratulations on your fine English!), you apparently use
} computers as well, and so a Nerd was thought appropriate for you as your
} Guardian.
}
} Unfortunately, of course, a Guardian Nerd is still a Nerd, not an Angel,
} so he's not going to be fluttering about your head all day.  Being shy
} and rather short on social skills, he watches from a distance and
} doesn't actually speak to you.  His presence in your bathroom indicates
} either great dedication to duty or the previously-mentioned lack of
} social skills.
}
} You should treat your Guardian Nerd with kindness and respect, even if
} he does pick his nose rather a lot.  After all, he's looking out for
} your welfare!  Smile at him.  And toss him a piece of pizza or an egg
} roll from time to time.


119-06    (23530 dist, 2.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm in desperate need of some good and hot phone sex but I don't have a
> major credit card and my phone has been blocked for 900 service.  What
> should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take your phone and place it in the oven, set it to 150 deg Fahr.
} Lubricate it with some silicone and then place it in a body oriface
} of your choice.
}
} You now owe the oracle your favourite 900 number


119-07    (03820 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is Linda?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, I'm glad you didn't ask me "Where the hell is Linda".  Those calls
} to Hell are a big drain.  I hate the slime-dripping envelopes they send
} the bill in...
}
} Ok, you want to know where Linda is?  Just a minute...
}
} Process ORACLE_1 Spawned
} $show user/full linda
} no such user LINDA
} $eoj
} Logging out process ORACLE_1
}
} Well, she isn't around here.  She's probably back at your place...
} Lemme check.
}
} <mystical Oracle powers invoked sound effect>
} Hmmm... lemme see... ah, there it is..
} dum de dum... ah, there she is. Hmmmm... HMMMMMMM!
} ....
} Wow!
} I didn't know... oops...
} <Another mysticale Oracle powers invoked sound effect, only backwards>
}
} Well, I hate to tell you this...  but she IS back at your place.  And
} she appears to be having an affair with your german shepard, Rex.
}
} You owe the oracle your dog Rex.


119-08    (20461 dist, 3.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello,
>
>   This is Bart from Sam's Sex Emporium.  It has recently come to my
> attention that you are long past due on payments of your bill.  Could I
> please have a valid explanation for said delay?  Or shall I just remove
> the offending member from you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Bart,
}
} Under separate cover I am sending you my medical bills for the past 18
} months, incurred in a futile attempt to treat the leprosy I picked up
} last time I visited Sam's Sex Emporium.  I am also sending you my
} offending member, since it recently removed itself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tube of Unguentine.


119-09    (03172 dist, 3.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  I bought some cream to make my penis larger.  I put some in my hands to
> rub it in and now my hands are HUGH.  I can't type on my keyboard
> anymore and I'm sending this with my nose, (it hurts to send mail this
> way).  Oh Oracle, what am I going to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a case of what is known as extremitas nerviosis, or body-part
} jealousy.  It is latent in all non-penile body parts, which, naturally,
} are quite jealous that the penis always gets to have all the fun.
}
} It sounds like the active ingredient in the cream is Boneroxyium-3,
} which, while facilitating erections when applied to the penis, also
} causes extremitas nerviosis when applied to other body parts.  In other
} words, your hands have penis envy.  Normally, Boneroxyum-3 products come
} with a pair of titanium gloves for application...  Maybe next time you
} should read the directions.
}
} Unfortunately, this condition is uncurable; however, there are ways to
} control the swelling.  You must keep your hands in an unexcited state.
} Avoid handling soft, squishy items like bananas, jello, or tubes of KY
} jelly.  Bulbous foods with smooth skins, like melons or peaches, should
} also be avoided.  When you see a female with attractive hands
} (especially the ones with long, but not bony, fingers, long, curving
} nails, well manicured, with blood-red polish...  Ooh!!),thrust your own
} hands into your pockets and think of chapped skin and blisters.
}
} By learning to control your condition, you can benefit from your
} newfound skill.  Few people will pick a fight with someone whose fist is
} as big as their head.  Women seem to be attracted to men with latge
} extremeties in general, and you will probably find your sex life
} improving.  They also seem to like it when you "finger" them.
}
} Incidentally, if you were typing with your nose, how did you manage to
} type capital letters?  The Oracle is looking for men with skilled
} tongues to work for the "Oracle Dating/Escort Service~.  We offer full
} job training and excellent benefits, and you make your own hours.  Call
} Nancy in the office during business hours for details.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of that stuff.


119-10    (42232 dist, 2.8 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, why is it that whenever I write to you, you either never answer,
> or you give me some snide, smart-ass remark?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         You puny, purescent gob of bloody mucus from a dead anteaters
} throat.  You festering boil from under the scrotum of a leperous
} baboon.How DARE you address ME, the great and powerful OZ...er, um, I
} mean, the omniscient Oracle in such an impudent manner.  You ask me the
} most inane, idiotic questions, and expect me to shove all others aside
} to rush to you and you banalities.  Well, you drop of pus from a
} syphillitic rats rectum, you have finally gotten my attention, and you
} will regret it!  The sheer gall of you to claim MY answers are "snide"
} and "smart ass" belies the fact that you mother made her fortune
} screwing donkeys and goats in a sleazy waterfront warehouse in Borneo.
} I'll make you penis swell with pus until it bursts, I'll give you dry
} leprosy in your scrotum, I'll make your throat swell shut untill you
} suffocate for 2 days.  Your prospects for the future are not bright.
} I've threatened you, but all these ideas will seem trite when you learn
} of your true fate, you ambulatory hemmarroid.  However, I will not tell
} you about it, thou bleeding ulcer in the bowels of a rotting elephant
} carcass, no, the first you will discover about your fate is when it
} befalls you.  Until then, uneasy dreams, you bloated bag of disynteric
} coyote excrement.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Rolaids (I made myself sick).


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