} This is a case of what is known as extremitas nerviosis, or body-part
} jealousy. It is latent in all non-penile body parts, which, naturally,
} are quite jealous that the penis always gets to have all the fun.
} It sounds like the active ingredient in the cream is Boneroxyium-3,
} which, while facilitating erections when applied to the penis, also
} causes extremitas nerviosis when applied to other body parts. In other
} words, your hands have penis envy. Normally, Boneroxyum-3 products come
} with a pair of titanium gloves for application... Maybe next time you
} should read the directions.
} Unfortunately, this condition is uncurable; however, there are ways to
} control the swelling. You must keep your hands in an unexcited state.
} Avoid handling soft, squishy items like bananas, jello, or tubes of KY
} jelly. Bulbous foods with smooth skins, like melons or peaches, should
} also be avoided. When you see a female with attractive hands
} (especially the ones with long, but not bony, fingers, long, curving
} nails, well manicured, with blood-red polish... Ooh!!),thrust your own
} hands into your pockets and think of chapped skin and blisters.
} By learning to control your condition, you can benefit from your
} newfound skill. Few people will pick a fight with someone whose fist is
} as big as their head. Women seem to be attracted to men with latge
} extremeties in general, and you will probably find your sex life
} improving. They also seem to like it when you "finger" them.
} Incidentally, if you were typing with your nose, how did you manage to
} type capital letters? The Oracle is looking for men with skilled
} tongues to work for the "Oracle Dating/Escort Service~. We offer full
} job training and excellent benefits, and you make your own hours. Call
} Nancy in the office during business hours for details.
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of that stuff.