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25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:53:54 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1190

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1190, 1190-01, 1190-02, 1190-03, 1190-04, 1190-05, 1190-06, 1190-07, 1190-08, 1190-09, 1190-10


Internet Oracularities #1190    (75 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 5 Nov 2000 08:40:17 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1190
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1190  75 votes 7mtf2 3aiok otd90 5erja 1luf8 5msf5 dhkk5 8gol6 6mog7 4bpr8
1190  3.0 mean  2.8   3.6   2.1   3.2   3.1   2.9   2.8   3.0   2.9   3.3


1190-01    (7mtf2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TRICK OR TREAT!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh.  Damn, I forgot to have the Priests buy candy!  Hold on a second -
} lemme see if we've got anything for you.
}
} [Orrie digs thorugh hall closet]
}
} Let's see what's in here...frog's liver...286 motherboards...oh, hey!
} There's that VAX I was looking for...man, Lisa cleans up and I can't
} find anything.  What else...Bill Gates' sex appeal...newt's
} testicles...Beatles master tapes...oh bugger.
}
} Well...it appears that we're currently having a candy shortage round
} the temple here.  Instead of candy, how about some nice Oracular
} advice? Won't rot your teeth, either.
}
} The advice?  Most problems with Microsoft products can be solved by
} judicious application of a flamethrower.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice closet organizer.


1190-02    (3aiok dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, of winding explanations and unrelated answers:
>
> If you pressure Nat King Cole enough, does he turn into Neil Diamond?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course.  Well spotted, dear metamorphic supplicant.
}
} You'll also find that Metallica and Iron Maiden will be fashioned into
} Tool.
}
} Hot Chocolate were dehydrated to form Eminem.
}
} The Mammas and the Papas gave birth to - of course - The Offspring
}
} Fortunately, Godsmack were miraculously transformed into Collective
} Soul.
}
} Unfortunately, Bread just putrefied into Limp Bizkit.
}
} 98 Degrees was all that was left when Canned Heat burned out.
}
} Pearl Jam are a direct descendent of the Blue Oyster Cult by way of
} Preservation Hall.
}
} Jewel was faceted for fame by The Cutting Room.
}
} And Ruby Tuesday was originally a little poem composed on a Wednesday by
} an unformed piece of impure carborundum.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sequined segue.


1190-03    (otd90 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,I need to find some information for my a level
> essay. The title of the essay is:- What were the main influences and
> their effects on the rebirth of the modern olympics

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Olymics were born from influenced primarily by geologic forces in
} the northwestern U.S.  These mountains in modern times are a popular
} tourist attraction and recreation area.
}
} http://194.209.38.54/scripts/the_games/the_games_e.asp is the IOC's
} take on modern Olympics


1190-04    (5erja dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> I've got the glue, the chopsticks and the dromedary, but I've lost the
> plans. What was the next step?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   1. Activate the primary fusion reactor and set it to 1.8 gigajoules.
}
}   2. Measure equal parts of the polymer resin, liquid adhesive, aloe
}      vera, and all-purpose wheat flour into a large mixing bowl. Cover
}      with damp cheesecloth.
}
}   3. Prepare Plaster of Paris mix (according to instructions).
}
}   4. Dip the Kevlar strips into the plaster and then use them to
}      carefully line the outer surface of your sofa.
}
}   5. Reduce oven temperature to 450 degrees.
}
}   6. With your left hand pass the string beneath the knot, make sure
}      to continue to apply pressure to the skein.
}
}   7. Carefully peel back the skin from the principle incision. Loosen
}      with sharp knife if required.
}
}   8. Apply mixture evenly to all exposed surfaces paying special
}      attention to the areas beneath the waterline.
}
}   9. Baste regularly.
}
}  10. Once the dromedary has relaxed, begin massaging the oil into
}      the fur.
}
}  11. Once the sofa has dried, carefully remove the kevlar strips.
}
}  12. Remember! Close the cover before striking!
}
}  13. Disengage the starter motor once the flywheel has reached
}      30,000 RPM.
}
}  14. Allow internal pressure to bleed off before fully opening
}      the valve.
}
}  15. Add fabric softener.
}
}  16. Allow product to cool to touch before cutting.
}
} Serves 10-20.
}
} You owe the Oracle either an easier meatloaf recipe or the number
} for a good take out joint.


1190-05    (1luf8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> If "many hands make light work",
> but "too many cooks spoil the broth"
>
> should I hire some more people for the project I'm working on ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While it is true that "many hands make light work", you should consider
} installing a proper fuse box. Or at least use legs, arms or any of the
} other body parts that can handle a heavy amp load.  As for the broth, I
} find that cooks are often too fatty to make good broth.
}
} You owe the Oracle an arm and a leg. My new fusebox dosen't get
} installed until next Thursday.


1190-06    (5msf5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Psst - Oracle! Yeah, you! The one with the snazzy outfit and winning
> personality. Come here. I have a brand new PS2. I'm looking to trade
> it. What'll you give me? Variety, man, variety - the more things I have
> to choose from, the better. See that guy over there? He's offering me a
> toaster, two iguanas, and a package of brownies. Can you make me any,
> you know, nicer, sweeter offers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Psst - Oracle! Yeah, you! The one with the snazzy outfit and
} > winning personality.
}
} Yeeeeessss?
}
} > Come here. I have a brand new PS2. I'm looking to trade it.
} > What'll you give me? Variety, man, variety - the more things I have
} > to choose from, the better. See that guy over there? He's offering
} > me a toaster, two iguanas, and a package of brownies. Can you make
} > me any, you know, nicer, sweeter offers?
}
} Pffft.  Do you think an omniscient being would be forced to wait
} outside Fry's with the other slobs for a PS2?  Being all-knowning has
} its advantages, like knowing that two particular parcels were mislaid
} on October 26th during transit.  A Mrs. Olga Pfeffernuffer, age 78,
} received at PS2 at her shop in Gary, Indiana, instead of the shipment
} she was expecting.  I 'just so happened' to be in the neighbourhood and
} told her I'd take that piece of blue sculpture off her hands for $70,
} but being so cagey and having *no* idea the value of a Playstation 2,
} she haggled me up to $100 US dollars.
}
} Not long after, a certain Toys 'R' Us had to tell Gabe that he couldn't
} take home a pre-ordered PS2 because they weren't shipped enough of
} them.  The clerk on duty wasn't embarassed to mention he has received
} Mrs. Pfeffernuffer's six-speed vibrator with shoulder-strap... he was
} only too embarassed to mention that it was now slightly used.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything this time, but if you can get rectal
} cranium extractors for the 'tards who made a movie of running over a
} PS2 with a Jeep, I know someone who would pay good money for it.


1190-07    (dhkk5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Eiala, akakalkwi, Oracle, alakakaeak quiqlake Linux askaerama CD-ROM
> reiakla Ydraggisil.
>
> Kajiqa oalake jakame, quidkaoap Microsoft aseala ahekla popiela Bill
> Gates ai Steve Ballmer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ekalal tok la hagala agalala:
}
} 1. Galaka ha ala FreeBSD ai Linux
} 2. Kinalala Larry Ellison en an Bill Gates ei emal "hot tub of sin"
} 3. Sikal aleaseas "bucket of chocolate syrup"
} 4. Im ik nala ei Pamela Anderson, yabba yabba yabba!
} 5. Nok nom al ai "family-sized can of Crisco"
} 6. Ika a qui qua "cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip"
} 7. Imal ein ei galag "huge mutant ice weasels"
} 8. Sokal Herman ei Grandpa Munster
} 9. Gigabba nol okla hei "Luke, I am your father."
} 10. Microsoft "Bob"
}
} Una ala espal Oracle eik ahekla Pamela Anderson poplie "bucket of
} chocolate syrup"


1190-08    (8gol6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Listen up, you incredibly benevolent deity, I don't know who you think
> I am but it ain't who you've been told.
>
> So, how does one go about devising a digestible question?
>
> And what would the answer to just such a question be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, mister, I _know_ who you are.  I don't have to be told.  I'm The
} Oracle, remember?  And no, hiding behind that rubber nose with the fake
} moustache isn't going to fool anyone, so you may as well take it off.
} There, that's better.  (Or in your case, maybe not.)
}
} Anyway, since I'm in a particularly benevolent mood today (it being the
} Day of the Great Annual Oracular Booze-Up and Woodchuck Sacrificing
} Festival), I shall deign to provide your question with a suitable
} answer.  However, my time being precious, and the Festivular Virgins
} particularly enticing this year, I have chosen to delegate the reply to
} a picked panel of guest dieties, who will, I am certain, provide you
} with all the information you need.
}
} And our panelists today are... hm, that's interesting.  It appears that
} we're a bit short on regular dieties today, what with the Booze-Up
} Festival going on and all, and a few of the lesser-known ones are
} stepping up to fill in.  So much the better!  Our guest panelists today
} are: Chicharones, the Aztec god of bloody sacrifice, blood and death;
} Coaxialcable, the Omlec god of short-wave radio, hot dog buns, really
} bad salsa and death; and Axolotl, the Inca god of death, death, and
} (how quaint) more death.  And now, on to our first question.
}
} > So, how does one go about devising a digestible question?
}
} Chicharones: Well, Orrie, this is a tricky question, and I'm sure that
}   everyone's approach is going to be a little bit different.  I myself
}   would suggest that one start by cutting out its heart from its chest
}   while it's still beating, then cutting off its hands and feet with
}   obsidian-bladed ritual hatchets, and then---
}
} Coaxialcable: No, no, no!  You begin by bashing its head in with small
}   stones for thirty minutes or until until medium-dead, then you---
}
} Axolotl: Blood! Death! Kill!
}
} Chicharones: ...its guts out...
}
} Coaxialcable: ...cut it into pieces, and then you jump up and down on
}   the pieces, until you get blisters, and then...
}
} Axolotl: Maim! Burn! Kill!
}
} Oracle: Ahem, thank you, gentlemen.  And now on to our second question.
}
} > And what would the answer to just such a question be?
}
} Oracle: Well, I think I can field this one myself.  It would probably
}   be something _not_ involving several blood-thirsty pre-Columbian
}   divinities and a panel discussion.
}
}   Join us next week for "Short Discussions About Classical History".
}   Next week's topic: Wit and Humor in Historical Narrative.  Our
}   panelists will be Thucydides, Herodotus of Halicarnassus, and Snorri
}   Sturlusson.
}
}   Until then, this is The Oracle, signing off.


1190-09    (6mog7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and punitive whose aim with the ZOT-staff is way
> better then Punishers aim is with the machinegun.
>
> Will I be punished if I make an extremely bad pun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but asking tricky questions may get you riddled.
}
} You owe the Oracle two mallards.


1190-10    (4bpr8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle who is considered the commander-in-chief of the army
> fighting the culture wars:
>
> I recently saw an American television commericial where the narrator
> proudly announced, "You can't make pizza in a toaster".  If this
> wasn't bad enough, they actually had a woman demonstrate this truth.
> What has our society turned into?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't worry, supplicant - although this may seem to you to be the
} icing on the cake of crass americanised consumerism, it is, in fact,
} a joyous celebration of the things society cannot yet do, but will soon
} be able to. Other forthcoming public service announcements include:
}
} 'You can't freeze a lemming in under 45 seconds'
} 'You can't breathe soup'
} 'Your trousers just won't double up as an inflatable time machine'
} 'You can't experience love and happiness with a tub of cottage cheese'
} and
} 'No matter how hard I shake it, this frog just won't lie still on the
}  birthday cake'


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