[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 13:59:00 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1191

Goto:
1191, 1191-01, 1191-02, 1191-03, 1191-04, 1191-05, 1191-06, 1191-07, 1191-08, 1191-09, 1191-10


Internet Oracularities #1191    (65 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 27 Nov 2000 09:49:37 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1191
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1191  65 votes 5dpi4 5hkh6 3knf4 3dvf3 ahmc4 89oi6 4jub1 4hxb0 47goe b6fna
1191  3.0 mean  3.0   3.0   3.0   3.0   2.7   3.1   2.8   2.8   3.6   3.2


1191-01    (5dpi4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Laodicean Oracle and Master of Laputa! You are our Lupercal
> of Knowledge!
>
> Should we eat with the savages or kill them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You could do both.
}
} They're quite tasty if properly cooked.
}
} Just be careful of those magic fire-sticks the savages carry, they
} can be very dangerous.
}
} And whatever you do, don't accept any beads or mirrors from them,
} they'll later claim you sold them all your land.
}
} You owe The Oracle half of the beads and mirrors you take from the
} dead savages.


1191-02    (5hkh6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did the doctor say he was going to give me a "pelvic" exam?  He
> didn't examine my hipbones at all.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's OK.  That wasn't a stethoscope, either.


1191-03    (3knf4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and benevolent Oracle, who art more wise and benevolent than any
> other deity to whom I've bent my knee...
>
> Does she really love me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lets see....
}
} You: An 85 year old ald man with none of his own teeth.
} Her: A gorgeous 24 year old blonde that men would kill for.
}
} You: Look forward to a good long sleep.
} Her: Looks forward to a good long ... well, you know.
}
} You: An oil millionaire.
} Her: A former stripper and playboy centerfold.
}
} Of course she loves you.
} Marry her immediately.
}
} You owe The Oracle the opportunity to console your widow, in a few
} weeks time.


1191-04    (3dvf3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh, Oracle, you answer supplicants so many times with top ten lists.
>
>  What are the top ten Top Ten Lists you've ever seen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10) Top Ten Ways to Collect from Deadbeat Supplicants
} 09) Top Ten Places to Get Free Ambrosia
} 08) Top Ten Things to Say that will Drive Anyone Named
}     Lisa Wild with Unbridled Desire
} 07) Top Ten Tennis Tops (photo essay)
} 06) Top Ten Ways to Housebreak your Og
} 05) Top Ten Things that You can say Guaranteed to Scare
}     Groveling Yes Men Half to Death
} 04) Top Ten Off the Cuff Answers that People will Laugh
}     At, even if They're a Stuffed Shirt or an Irritable
}     Jealous Recently Stilted Wannabe
} 03) Top Ten Places Where Pirates Buried Gold and Never
}     Got Around to Digging it Back Up, Mostly Because They
}     Died Violently Before They Had A Chance So that Ill-
}     Begotten Loot is Just Sitting There Not Doing Anyone
}     Much Good, Nor Would it be Missed as the Original Owners
}     are Also Dead, The Pirates Saw to That, Which Really
}     Wasn't a Nice Thing for them to Have Done, Don't You
}     Agree?
} 02) Top Ten Ways to Stop a Shaggy Dog in its Tracks
} 01) Top Ten Top Ten Lists The Oracle has Ever Seen
}
} You owe the Oracle a bad toupee.


1191-05    (ahmc4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I use "American_America.AR8ISO8859P6" for my NLS_Lang.
> they exported a user opjects with the command "exp80 user/password
> filename" they dropped the user, recreated it again and used the
> command "imp80 user/password filename full=y ignore=y"
>
> when they retrieve data question marks are there instead of words. I
> checked the NLS_lang. It is still the same no change. I imported and
> old exported data that I exported myself and it worked well. The
> problem is that exported file is three months old. I need to import the
> last exported objects.
>
> How can I solve this problem?
>
> Thank you so much
>
> Oms

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is what the Oracle does. It always works for me.
}
} Enjoy.
}
} 1 cup butter, softened
} 1/2 cup powdered sugar
} 1 tsp vanilla
} 2-1/4 cups flour
} 1/4 tsp salt
} 3/4 cup finely chopped pecans
}
} Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Mix butter, sugar, and
} vanilla until well blended. Work in flour, salt, and nuts
} until dough holds together. Shape dough into 1" balls.
} Place on ungreased baking sheet. Bake 10-12 minutes or
} until set but not brown. While warm, roll in powdered
} sugar. Cool and roll again in powdered sugar.


1191-06    (89oi6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Wise, Sagacious, and Creative Oracle,
> Soothsayer, Prognosticator, and Prevaricator of All Knowledge Great,
> Small, and Created On The Spur Of The Moment.  Please answer this
> humble supplicant's quest for answers.
>
> So with the canidates each claiming they know best, each saying they
> will do best, and now, each claiming victory, why can't we just dump
> this whole election process.  Wouldn't an All-Knowing, All-Seeing,
> All-Whatever, Oracle make a better president than anyone the "parties"
> can run?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The scene : A sunny play room, populated several young children.
} Bright Sunlight pours in from a open window.  Three of the children are
} playing on the carpet.  They are playing with coloured wooden blocks.
} The adult supervising them smiles. The children seem happy.
}
} Teacher:   So... What are you building, Eric?
}
} Eric:   I'm making a car.
}
} Teacher : And Janice, What are  you...
}
} [Bang.. The door explodes off it hinges. Behind it are three broad
} shoulder men, each dressed in a black suit, back socks, white shirts
} with black ties and black glasses.  The three men are surrounded by
} several men in camouflage fatigues.  The army men are holding sub
} machine guns,  the suits are holding .45 hand guns. The front most
} man followed by the group crosses the room, to stand in front of Eric.]
}
} The Man:  Eric Taylor, You are being charged, and have subsequently
} been convicted by the President of these United States, that on the
} first day of August in the year 2015 - 15 years from the present date,
} you did knowing and intentionally enter Tashas convince store -
} which you will not be currently familiar with as it dose not yet
} exist - with the intention of committing armed robbery, and that you
} will subsequently shoot and kill Tasha Melano, before escaping with
} $24,000.00 which you stole from the register.
}
} [ Eric stares blankly at the man ]
}
} Teacher: How would you?! You're going to be a very bad boy.
}
} [ The man continues speaking ]
}
} The Man:  You have been sentenced to death, in accordance with the
} "Complete Intolerance of Crime" bill.  Under the authority of President
} Oracle, I will now carry out this sentence.
}
} [The Man points his gun at Eric's Head.  The other Men point their guns
} around the room to discurage interference by the children or teachers.
} The hammer on the gun swings back and ...
}
}
} ******* we interrupt this episode of cops to bring you *********
} ******* the following party political announcement *************
}
} Vote [1] Oracle.
}
} The Internet Oracle stands for complete intolerance against crime.
}
} Vote [1] Oracle and no one get zotted.
}
} **************** End of announcement *****************
}
} You owe the Oracle 1 vote, more if posible. Or else.


1191-07    (4jub1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most tremendous and palatable, you are swifter
> than a wren in thought, tidier than a squirrel's maiden and
> have soared with words higher than an angry, frightened dove,
>
> What is the most formal food there is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant:
}
} Although some salads come fully dressed, and middle-aged English valets
} are quite acceptable fare to some of the Night's Horrid Creatures, the
} Oracle deems the most formal food for mere humans to be the esteemed
} Asparagus.  This high-browed vegetable is consumed in a ritual that few
} people realise stems from ancient pagan fertility rites.
}
} A vegetable that allows itself to be eaten in polite society without
} this fact ever being mentioned to spoil the feasters' enjoyment must
} surely be the most formal food in the world.
}
} In return for this consultation, please fetch the Oracle a double
} cheeseburger with extra French fries and a vanilla milkshake.
}
} Hold the onions.


1191-08    (4hxb0 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle, most wise, with a huge supporting cast...
>
>  What ever happened to Og? And what are Sid and Harry doing?
>
>  (Let's see whether he admits- hey, is this thing still on?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oraclular Press Release #4895284-12b
}
} The Oracle is in way responsible for the events leading up to and
} including those that happened on the 5th of November 2000.
}
} The Oracle did warn Og of the dangers of liquid-fueled rockets on
} repeated occasions, including the date of the accident.
}
} The Oracle was aware of Sid and Harry's involvement in Og's project,
} but was requested not to interfere by higher authority.
}
} The Oracle will neither confirm nor deny the identity or existence of
} the higher authority.
}
} Og's rocket began unauthorized ignition countdown at 11:03am when Zadoc
} switched on the kettle to make the Oracle a cup of tea.  An unfortunate
} short circuit caused the ignition process to begin.
}
} The rocket exploded at 11:06am catching Og, Sid and Harry in the blast
} and destroying the Oracle's solarium.
}
} Og, Sid and portions of Harry are currently in a serious, but stable
} condition at Mt Olympus General Hospital.
}
} Further announcements will be made as more information comes to hand.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new solarium and your press pass.


1191-09    (47goe dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Period.  Finish.  End.  Termination.  Final.  Heat-death of the
} Universe.  Armageddon.  Death.  All gone.  All done.  All over.  That's
} it.  Good-bye.  See ya.  Poof.  Vanish.  Finito.  Complete.  Ciao.
}
} The sum amount of space a brain cell occupies.  The total IQ of the
} average television viewer.  What happens to the cat while it's in the
} box.  What Pavlov's dogs are really thinking.  Earth from really really
} far away.  A person as viewed from an airplane three kilometers up.
} The only truly perfect statement.  The Big Bang before the actual Bang.
} The beginning of an ellipse.  An incomplete ASCII art piece.  A
} missing bead from an abacus.  Where the socks go when they die.  What
} lint sees when it looks at other lint.  A winning chat-up line.  Your
} sole possession. The amount in your bank account.  Gold, dyed black.
} Anything small dyed black.  e. e. cumming's lost poem.  What happened
} when Picasso went post-modern.  A sign that a sentence somewhere has
} begun to ramble unabated.  What happens when punctuation goes bad.  How
} to signify silence in an empty room.  What you see when you look
} through the wrong end of a telescope.  The ultimate vanishing point --
} artists take note. That annoying piece of dirt that you just can't
} sweep away, which means you'll actually have to mop this weekend.  A
} speck in your eye.  An alien life form.  A target according to a person
} who has never fired a gun before.  An expression of complete surprise.
} What powers the average brain.  The complete rules of everyday
} etiquette.  Vaporware.  The best error message ever.
}
} You owe the Oracle a semicolon.


1191-10    (b6fna dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who knows more about the human psyche than Freud,
> Jung and Dr. Ruth put together, please tell this lowly supplicant...
>
> I've been having this recurring dream where I'm straddling the
> preserved body of Vladimir Lenin, screaming "Take me, Vladdie, like the
> wild sex machine of a communist dictator that you are!"
>
> What's up with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Baroness Thatcher !
}
} It is indeed a pleasure to hear from you. I often thought, during
} your time as Prime Minister of Britain, that it would be nice if you
} dropped me a line from time to time, but then, you never were known
} for seeking the advice of others.
}
} So, you're having those dreams again, only this time it's Lenin.
} Well, that's an improvement I must say, the menage-a-troi with Mao
} and Stalin was a particularly disturbing image.
}
} The theme is quite clear, isn't it. Sex with brutal dictators who
} managed to hold power until the end of their lives.
}
} Clearly you are having difficulty dealing with your status as a
} failed dictator, and you feel that by having sex with the 'greats'
} in the field, you can regain some of your lost vigor, sieze power, and
} this time there'll be no more Mrs Nice Guy. Set up some extermination
} camps to get rid of those troublesome unionists and civil-libertarians,
} and ensure your rule for life.
}
} Sorry Maggie, but you've missed the boat. Opportunity knocks but once,
} your chance to win a place in the pantheon of truly great dictators
} has gone, you'll always be an also-ran, along with De Gaulle, Nixon,
} and that really annoying librarian at the local high-school.
}
} Deal with it, bitch.
}
} You owe The Oracle an apology for the poll-tax.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org