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Internet Oracularities #1193

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1193, 1193-01, 1193-02, 1193-03, 1193-04, 1193-05, 1193-06, 1193-07, 1193-08, 1193-09, 1193-10


Internet Oracularities #1193    (66 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 8 Dec 2000 09:44:55 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1193
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1193  66 votes 8jig5 fhla3 4cmm6 bqk54 dlh96 7gmg5 emr30 inf64 4doi7 8gmd7
1193  2.7 mean  2.9   2.5   3.2   2.5   2.6   2.9   2.3   2.3   3.2   2.9


1193-01    (8jig5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Health Conscious:
>
> What is your cure for PMS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Menopause.


1193-02    (fhla3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Chad is a country in Africa.  Why are they bothering to mess up the US
> elections?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are protesting the violence that typically surrounds elections in
} backwater countries.
}
} You owe the Oracle a method of voting that does not involve punching
} anybody.


1193-03    (4cmm6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Incontrovertable Oracle, I just bought a car.  It is (unlike you) a
> convertable.  The top rolls down to allow me to soak up the sun and the
> breezes.  Neat!
>
> Or so I thought.  As a Supplicant I am, of course, much more stupid
> than you, the wisest Oracle on seventeen planets.
>
> The top won't go up.  I tried to raise the top when it started to rain.
> HOW WAS I TO KNOW IT WAS A DUMB IDEA TO RAISE THE TOP AT 85 MPH???
> Anyway, the top is a mess of twisted junk, and the last four days' rain
> have made the inside of the car into a swimming pool.  I don't have a
> garage, or even a carport.  How silly of me to think that I should get
> a convertable without having one.
>
> Now I want to sell my convertable.  I want to sell it quick, and I
> don't want to lose any money.  Where can I find a greater idiot than
> myself, someone who'll buy the car for what I paid, sight unseen, and
> will not come back to haunt me when he finds out the top is broken?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FOR SALE
} Limited Edition Customized 2000 Ford Mustang.
} Comes with Enhanced Easy-Open (TM) Top and Wet Bar.  Custom crafted
} using state-of-the-art aerodynamically efficient wind-tested
} technology.  New precipitation-capture mechanism allows for
} ultra-efficient braking in wet-weather conditions.  Artistic rear
} ornament sculpted by surrealist artist Supli Kant in space-age metal
} alloys and fabrics.
}
} This truly one-of-a-kind vehicle is yours for the modest price of
} $94,999.


1193-04    (bqk54 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Muse of Millions, Inspiration to all & Instigator of Many
> Large Charity Projects and a Couple of Sloppy Civil Wars,
>
> Is my neighbor capable of learning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The first stage in your enlightenment is to consider the validity and
} implications of the following:
}
} Am I a neighbour of myself?


1193-05    (dlh96 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, who shaves with Occam's razor,
>
> Do widows walk on Widow's Peak?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me check the Widow's Peak Cam...
}
} Hmmm.  There seems to be a pair of young, happy newly weds gazing out
} from the peak, enjoying the romantic sunset, but no widows (yet).  One
} widow coming up!
}
} *ZOT!*
}
} Interesting - widows only scream and run around in confusion on Widow's
} Peak.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's membership to Jenni-cam.


1193-06    (7gmg5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> I would like to engage in some fast physical I/O,
> but I have insufficient cache.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} buffer


1193-07    (emr30 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   ___
> /  o o \
> \ _^_/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try reattaching your ear prior to asking a question, so as to be sure
} you will actually hear the answer.  Don't make me do a join( pain_yes )
} on you and your ear.


1193-08    (inf64 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most kinky,
>
> I'm not dumb but I can't understand why she walks like a woman but
> talks
>
> like a man, oh my Lola!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Janet Reno's least favorite song by The Kinks.


1193-09    (4doi7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <grovel.h>
> #include <tio.h>
>
> int main()
> {
>    while(1)
>    {
>       grovel(bang_head, harsh_surface);
>
>       if(orrie == willing)
>          break;
>    }
>
>    ask("What WAS Pavlov doing with those dogs?");
>
>    // one last grovel...
>    grovel(smash_knees, spiky_club);
>
>    send_orrie(splendorous_gifts);
>
>    return 7;
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, I'm going to award that 7 out of the possible 10 points.
} You disagree?  You want to know why? Fair enough, here's why:
}
} 1) Only one comment in the whole program. You know better than that.
} I'm only deducting ONE point, however, because your use of descriptive
} variable and function names is actually pretty good. (Although the
} convention is to use uppercase names for defined constants like
} WILLING.) -1 point.
}
} 2) It is also convention to have a program that terminates successfully
} return zero. While 7 is the number of perfection (as you should
} recall from Celestial Programming 131), it is still preferable to
} return zero in this context. -1 point.
}
} 3) An all-too-common error, even in an intermediate programming
} course such as this one, is the stunning lack of input statements.
} Your program is adept at emitting grovels, gifts, questions, and even
} return codes, but doesn't include a single ponder(), hear_answer(),
} or even getc()! This is nothing more than a glorified "hello world!"
} program. Frankly I expected better.  It's pointless to access the
} Oracle, present a query, and exit before receiving the answer.
} It clutters the queue and puts the Oracle in a bad mood. -1 point.
} (I should make it -2, but having seen the response Oracle made to your
} question, I'm in a good mood myself. My wife is still giggling over it.
} Too bad you'll never see it.)
}
} So, as I say, 7 out of 10 points. Cheer up, though - it's still better
} than the average score on this project.
}
} You owe the Oracle the same query written in SQL. And let's try for
} 10 out of 10 this time, shall we? See you next week.


1193-10    (8gmd7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, whose graces outnumber those of
> miscounted votes in Florida, whose only flaw is that of
> knowing too much, please deign to answer my question:
>
> Why is it the dumbest people seem to breed the most?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} The reason the dumbest people breed the most is they are
} unable to figure out:
}
} The Butterfly Condom (I can't get the package open!)
} The Butterfly IUD (I thought I had it in!)
} The Butterfly Pill (I could have swore I took them)
} The Butterfly Foam Dispenser (This stuff tastes awful)
} The Butterfly Rhythm Method (What day is it?)
} The Butterfly Coitus Interruptus (Oooops! Too Late!)
}
} You owe the Oracle a pump shotgun (I will get that stork yet!)


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