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Internet Oracularities #1196

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Internet Oracularities #1196    (65 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2000 09:14:49 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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message).  For example:
   1196
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1196  65 votes hhj84 5hlca 5cml5 3doj6 6hgi8 2dnj8 1ajmd 6dsd5 ihd98 heee6
1196  3.0 mean  2.5   3.1   3.1   3.2   3.1   3.3   3.6   3.0   2.6   2.7


1196-01    (hhj84 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The supplicant has no questions to ask.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is defiling your question. Expect an pustulent boil in a
} day or two.


1196-02    (5hlca dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fire!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Err... no, no, you have to choose one of "Paper", "Rock", or
} "Scissors". "Fire" isn't an option.
}
} Let's try it again.
}
} Rock!


1196-03    (5cml5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> More busy than a hive of bees, more restful than a bed of clams,
> more content than a herd of cattle, more demonstrative than a gaggle
> of geese, more boisterous than a murder of crows, wiser than a biker
> bar full of owls, the Oracle is all that and more!
>
> When the USA finally up and absorbs all of present day Canada, except
> for those sillies in Quebec, what will the new nation be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It won't exist at all. You see, Canada is a country, like many others.
} But, the USA is actually an anti-country, the exact opposite of a
} country. Should Canada and the USA merge, there will actually be a
} matter/anti-matter like reaction resulting in the destruction of both,
} and a pretty nifty bang as well.
}
} The following table should demonstrate the 'anti-country' status of
} the USA.
}
} +----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
} |        Typical Country           |               USA               |
} +----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
} | Well respected leader given      | George Bush                     |
} | power to lead country.           |                                 |
} +----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
} | Delicious and nutritious         | McDonalds                       |
} | national cuisine.                |                                 |
} +----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
} | State-funded education system.   | "potatoe"                       |
} +----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
} | Culture and the Arts.            | Marilyn Manson.                 |
} +----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
} | Industry and Agriculture.        | GM Soybeans                     |
} +----------------------------------+---------------------------------+
}
} The Oracle rests his case. Of Yuppie flu.


1196-04    (3doj6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh most wondrous and super-neat Oracle, who is even niftier than Happy
>  Fun Ball, please tell me:
>
>  What is it with scooters? They seem to become incredibly popular every
>  once in a while. I wasn't alive then, but I know that in the 50's,
>  crew-cut boys would scoot along on their scooters, down to the five
>  and dime to get a coke. Then, in the late 80s, these weird scooters
>  with wheels that looked like they belonged on a tiny BMX bike came
>  out. They even had handbrakes. Those seemed to be popular with the
>  freestyle bike crowd.
>
>  Now, it's the year 2000, and these "razor scooters", made of shiny
>  aluminum, with inline-skate wheels, are all the rage.
>
>  I have two questions:
>       1. Why do scooters periodically get REALLY popular, only to sink
>          into obscurity after a year or so?
>       2. Were there scooters before the 50's? What scooters will we
>          see in the future.
>
>  Thank you for your consideration, O Most Sagacious One.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Every so often, the "scooter meme" morphs into what you recognize as a
} traditional scooter (two small wheels connected by a board with a
} steering handle). However, these scooters don't sink into obscurity.
} Rather, different versions of them are produced that infiltrate the
} zeitgeist and become so ubiquitous and commonplace that you no longer
} notice them as unique--or, even as even scooters.
}
} Here are some popular things which you may not realize are actually
} highly refined scooters:
}
} - skateboard (headless scooter)
} - shopping cart (grocery carrying scooter)
} - automobile (4-wheeled motorized scooter with protective shell)
} - toaster (bread-baking scooter)
} - television (low-grade entertainment scooter)
} - toilet (human waste disposal scooter with hollow seat)
} - Microsoft Windows (scooter that always crashes)
}
} In fact, this message is being sent to you via the miracle of the
} electronic message-scooter. And if you think that's amazing, consider
} that Lisa is actually a highly advanced prototype of a sexy female
} companion scooter.
}
} You owe the Oracle a moebius-wheeled scooter.


1196-05    (6hgi8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most un-null-like,
>
> Why are your followers more into cats than any other critter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fierce fighting fishies
} are quite nifty swimmers,
} And Black Lab Retrievers
} as pets they are winners,
} And if its the case that you don't care for dogs,
} We've ornamentally horny ole' African frogs.
}
} Oh there's spaniels,
} Geeks like Daniel,
} We're so gleefully keeping as pets.
} Og and Ogwa,
} and Rhod Dogma
} take holidays flea-dipping with vets.
}
} Zadoc's a Flatworm
} or maybe a fluke....
} At least there aren't hairballs
} In shoes where he's puked.
} But "why cats?" you ask me, well let me be terse,
} Its everso simple a reason: purr verse.


1196-06    (2dnj8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Astonishing and auspicious Oracle,
>
> What will be the biggest surprises when "The Lord of The Rings"
> film is released?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dr. J.R.R.'s literary executors will probably be just a *leeeetle*
} annoyed about this movie, since the producers and director decided to
} change a few things:
}
} -- Gandalf turns out to be Golum's long-lost sister
}
} -- The orcs win at the end (although the hobbits escape, leaving open
} the opportunity for a sequel)
}
} -- There is a gay elf shower scene, involving "elf kissing"
}
} -- The Ring of Power has a quarter karat of tanzenite inlaid into it
} (exact replicas will be sold on QVC for only $395.00 -- or three
} E-Z-Pay installments of only $138.00 each. Plus shipping)
}
} -- Product placements in the movie will include Wild Turkey Bourbon,
} Brill-O, M&Ms, Taiko Sushi, Depends (don't ask), Red Devil brand vacuum
} cleaners, ACE Hardware, Toyota (you really don't want to know), the
} Democratic National Committee and Microsoft ("Where do you want to go
} today, Gollum?").
}
} Basically, it's a cheezy rip-off. You'll love it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bootleg copy of _A Funny Thing Happened On the Way
} To the Forum_. You know, the version with the nudity left in.


1196-07    (1ajmd dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to get to California in the worst way.  Can you help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
}             The Ten Worse Ways to get to California
} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
}
} 10) Go to nearest police station and tell them that you killed a
}     Kangaroo Rat once while in California. You'll be extradited
}     there pronto. If you don't need to get to California real
}     fast tell them you killed a human in California, it'll take
}     longer for them to get you to California, but on the plus
}     side though you'll spend less time in prison when you get
}     there.
}
} 09) Dress up like Jay Leno, run from the people throwing rocks
}     at you, when you get someplace where they don't throw rocks
}     at you, then stop, you'll be in California.
}
} 08) Walk towards the setting sun. Stop when you get to the
}     sea. Then go north or south depending on where you run into
}     the ocean at. (This applies to North/South Americans only,
}     all others follow above directions and when you get to a sea
}     change your mind and go home, trust me on this one.)
}
} 07) Win a trip to Hollywood, by entering a "I want to be in
}     a sleazy porno flick" contest, details available at the
}     nearest bus depot, ask for Vinnie.
}
} 06) Take a shovel and toss into outer space all parts of the
}     Earth that -are not- California until you are where you
}     want to be.
}
} 05) Go to Alaska and duct tape yourself to the back of a Grey
}     Whale, when it migrates to Mexico for the winter get off
}     as you pass California.
}
} 04) Join the Marines, but only under the condition that you
}     train at Camp Pendelton, CA.
}
} 03) Ingrate yourself to some Deadheads and follow them about,
}     sooner or later you'll get to California.
}
} 02) Become a lawyer, 1 in 7 of them are in California, chances
}     are good you'll get lucky.
}
} 01) Take lots of drugs and adopt weird political views, join a
}     cult, even if you stay put, you'll be in California.
}
} You owe the Oracle a postcard from Venice Beach, CA of the chain
} saw jugglers.


1196-08    (6dsd5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The only thing different
> The only thing new
> I've got your money
> She's got you...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This and other favorite lawyer ditties are included
} in  "Barrister, I Hardly Knew Her; 500 Sure-Fire
} Funny Lawyer Songs" from Og Inc.
}
} Here's other hits you'll get when you order today:
}
} "Here's a paper, it's for you!
}  Ha, ha it's a summons, we're going to sue!"
}
} AND:
}
} "I'm forever filling counter suits, counter suits
}  just like a torrent of rain in May..."
}
} AND:
}
} "Tort Law! It got me a big boat!
}  Tort Law! I'm taking your shirt and your coat!
}  Tort Law! Allows me to ruin you!
}  Tort Law! There's not a darn thing you can do!"
}
} And who could forget:
}
} "When I'm suing you, youuu, you, you, you..."
}
} ALL of these and a whole lot more are yours when
} you call 1-800-Oganswerthedangphone. Have your
} credit card and mortgage ready. You won't be as
} sorry as you think! Order now. Order often!


1196-09    (ihd98 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Listen to me humans of Earth! The greatest of all your benefactors
> is the Wise Oracle! In requital of his glorious deeds, you have
> justly allotted by statute a share of your libations and drink-
> offerings in every temple and at every public service, whom, in
> hymns and in worship, you treat as the equals of gods of old and
> the demigods of your own feeble times!
>
> What is the Ancient Egyptian God Set up to now a days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quite a lot.  In fact, here's the top 101 things Set is up to:
}
} 1. Book 6 of The Wheel of Time.
} 2. US$335 an ounce.
} 3. Something special.
} 4. The set of all sets that contain themselves.
} 5. A load of fetid dingo's kidneys.
} 6. THIS LEADEN PALL by Half Man Half Biscuit.
} 7. Volume 3, Biscuit to Bruise.
} 8. 10% royalties, jumping to 12% after 10,000 are sold.
} 9. A lifestyle full of luxury and ease.
} 10. Miss September.
} 11. Step 9: Mountain fold leg down; repeat behind.
} 12. Still looking for Osiris's penis.
} 13. Ahead 5 games to 3, serving 30-love.
} 14. Arguing with his former landlord about getting his security deposit
}     back.
} 15. A shady real estate deal in the Everglades.
} 16. Shadowfax.
} 17. Dipping a madeline into a really nice hot cup of tea.
} 18. Acknowledging truths about young bachelors with fortunes.
} 19. No shirt, no shoes, no human head, no service.
} 20. Rue, that's for remembrance.
} 21. Giving THE TIGGER MOVIE 1 star out of 4.
} 22. His hips in anklebiters, the poor bastard.
} 23. Finding out what light breaks in yon window.
} 24. Being vewy vewy quiet -- he's hunting wabbits.
} 25. Presenting the latest smash collection -- HOTTEST HITS OF THE '80s!
} 26. Resisting temptation.
} 27. Open to suggestions.
} 28. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
} 29. Speaking with more pauses than a Pinter play.
} 30. Ruling in Hell rather than serving in Heaven.
} 31. Riding through the forest in search of a damsel in distress.
} 32. On his way to the Senate to accept the title Dictator For Life.
} 33. Getting renaissance on your breast.
} 34. "Sybil, this is my dear friend Loxias.  Loxy, you've heard me
}     mention Sybil -- you know, my old school roommate?"
} 35. On hold with his insurance agent trying to make a claim.
} 36. No, really, don't tempt him.
} 37. At the cruising altitude of 35,000 feet.
} 38. Five of the Seven Peaks.
} 39. 367 out of 391 birds on the checklist.
} 40. Question 39.
} 41. 13 down: Something shadowed, almost.  7 letters, third one is P.
} 42. Asking HAL to open the pod bay doors.
} 43. Breaking into the central databanks of the Gnomes of Zurich.
} 44. "So, we meet again, Mr. Bond."
} 45. Ringing the Lutine Bell at Lloyds.
} 46. Must. Resist. Temptation.
} 47. Hunting heffalumps.
} 48. Taking suggestions from the audience.
} 49. "Gor' blimey, mate -- it's full o' gold!"
} 50. Being nominated for the Hugo award for the fifth time.
} 51. Strapless bras.
} 52. Next, attach a 10 Ohm resistor as shown.
} 53. Getting a bad feeling about this.
} 54. Camp IV, preparing for going for the summit tomorrow morning.
} 55. Still on hold with his insurance agent.
} 56. "Get thee behind me, Devil!"
} 57. No, he doesn't know "Dance Band on the Titanic."
} 58. Article III, section 1, paragraph 4 -- my client objects to the
}     term "jerk."
} 59. Labor 5: Cleaning the Augean Stables.
} 60. A gig down at Bernie's.
} 61. Eating hot death, Steve.
} 62. At the cafe for open mic poetry night.
} 63. Coincidence or conspiracy?  You decide.
} 64. Appealing to the Justice League for another recount.
} 65. "Badges?  We don't need no stinkin' badges."
} 66. Oh, all right, you can tempt him a little.
} 67. 54 copies of the Love Bug virus.
} 68. Level 5 -- still trying to get around that drop trap behind the
}     burning oil barrel.
} 69. A straight, 10 high.
} 70. Going 95 miles per hours down Speedway Avenue.
} 71. Lime jello in a glass bowl.
} 72. There is no 72.
} 73. "Nature, Mr. Olnut, is what we are sent here to rise above."
} 74. Having fun on Halloween because he doesn't need a costume.
} 75. Trying to decide whether to ride Magic Mountain once more or ride
}     through Toon Town.
} 76. No, really.  Try to tempt him.
} 77. "For sale: Baby clothing.  Never used."
} 78. Comparing thee to a summer's day.
} 79. Well it was Saturday night -- I guess that makes it all right.
} 80. Doing 5 to 9 in medium security for 3 counts of stock fraud.
} 81. Pretending to be a rock so the rabbits won't notice him.
} 82. Livin' la vida loca.
} 83. N-35.  Hey, that's a bingo!
} 84. Guessing the pea is under the shell on the right.
} 85. Since music be the food of love, playing on.
} 86. Go on -- tempt him a little.  Please?
} 87. "Home is the hunter, home from the hills."
} 88. Looking for Uncle Charlie's grave -- according to the caretaker,
}     it's somewhere in this square.
} 89. Attending yet another star-studded celebrity wedding.
} 90. "Now see here, Zeus -- I'm tired of you gettin' uppity.  Ain't that
}     right, Knuckles?"
} 91. Being mistaken for either a bird or a plane, we're not sure which.
} 92. Trying to guess what does it have in its pockets, me Precious.
} 93. Zechariah, though frankly these prophets are getting tedious.
} 94. One word: plastics.
} 95. Pretending to be Sidney Pointier's cousin.
} 96. Pretty please?  Tempt him already.
} 97. Number 12 in the world rankings.
} 98. Holding out for what's behind door number 3.
} 99. Writing "AND THEN THEY ALL DIED, THE END."
} 100. STILL on hold with his insurance agent.
}
} And the 101st thing that the Ancient Egyptian God Set is up to:
}
} 101. No good.


1196-10    (heee6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Egor: "More questions for the master, yes, yes, more questions for the
> master..."
>
> Oracle: "Er, Igor?"
>
> Egor: "That's Egor, master, yes, as I said before."
>
> Oracle: "Ah, yes, now I remember. Egor, then. Egor, why did you come
> back? We're not advertising for a new in-joke to my knowledge, and if
> we are, then I must have words with Zadoc..."
>
> Egor: "Egor merely wishes to serve the master, yes, and grovel before
> his magnificence!"
>
> Oracle: "..."
>
> Egor: "Egor would like to know, how the master speaks in punctuation,
> yes."
>
> Oracle: "It's simple, you just- no, no, I'm not going to tell you. In
> fact..."
>
> [Oracle turns to the door.]
>
> Oracle: "ZADOC!"
>
> [Zadoc enters.]
>
> Oracle: "Please, see Egor to the front door, would you?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Egor: No, I refuse to leave!
}
} [ Three excessively bubbly teenage girls appear in -poof- of
}   pink smoke! ]
}
} Pi: Hi, we're here to help!
}
} Cymbal: And help is what we're here for!
}
} Acid-free: Yup! We're helpful!
}
} All: We're the El-F*! Inyourtoot!
}
} Zadoc: Huh?
}
} [ The girls break into song: ]
}
} Gals: We represent the new injoke guild
}       the new injoke guild
}       no, not 'nude' guild
}       and in the name of the new injoke guillllllld!
}       We welcome you to injoke land!
}
} [ Huge house falls out of the sky and crushes Zadoc and
}   Egor. ]
}
} Oracle: Oh my.
}
} To be continued...


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