} The swirling lights... The vertiginous sensation of falling... The
} sudden rush of sights and sounds... Ah, my muse has alighted on another
} incarnation. I wonder who it is this time? Male, judging from the body
} odour and discomfort around the groin area. Pity, I really prefer
} female incarnations, as a rule. Well, except at that certain time of
} month, obviously...
} Ugh! This one's cleaning toilets! I do wish Steve Kinzler would write
} something into the program to prevent this kind of thing from
} happening. Makes me feel like that guy in 'Quantum Leap', forever
} landing in embarrassing situations. You wouldn't believe what the
} previous incarnation was up to when I arrived! Thank goodness this
} one's almost finished.
} "Whistle while you work
} Darkmage is a jerk
} Chew and Sewell
} Live on gruel
} Viles just makes me smirk..."
} Hey, I know that voice. Must be a regular. I'll see who it is when he
} passes the mirror. What the...! Jack Kevorkian? Oh no, even worse! But
} it can't be! It's impossible!
} "Well, that's the morning's chores done. Guess I'll go over to the
} Master's chamber to see if he needs anything."
} Kinzler, you bastard! You told me you fixed it so Zadoc couldn't
} incarnate! You swore on your sainted mother's grave! When I get out of
} here you're going to be sorrier than you can even begin to imagine!
} "Hmm, he doesn't appear to be here. I guess he's out being incarnated
} Yes, that must be it, Zadoc. So why don't you just toddle off and...
} "I wonder if there are any good questions in the queue?"
} Zadoc, stay away from the console! You know the Master doesn't like you
} going near...
} "I know the Master doesn't like me going near the console, but somehow
} I feel drawn to it. I feel like... like... like I could answer a
} question! But that can't be - I can't answer questions. The Master is
} always telling me I haven't got the IQ of a dead slug. And yet, today,
} I feel like I could do it. I feel... inspired! This can only mean one
} It means you're delusional.
} "Master, you chose me! After all these years, I never thought it would
} happen! Poor loyal Zadoc - always the bridesmaid, never the bride. And
} to think I imagined that tiny voice I'm hearing inside my head was just
} another one of my unfortunate episodes! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank
} you, Master! I won't let you down! I'll be a worthy receptacle of your
} Zadoc, stop! Keep your hands off that console! For god's sake, you've
} just been cleaning toilets!
} "You'll be proud of me, Master! This answer's going straight into the
} Best of the Best digest, you'll see. Now, what have we here? This is
} very confusing..."
} Damnation, I forgot! I've got to let the pustule answer at least one
} question - I'm stuck in his body until he does. Okay, Zadoc, listen
} carefully - answer 'Yes no hell', Got that? Repeat after me: Yes - no -
} "Gosh, this supplicant wants to marry either me or the Master! Well,
} the Master's spoken for, of course, but as for me..."
} The world has yet to produce a woman sufficiently lacking in
} "I've been saving myself for Miss Right to come along. Hmm, Henriette.
} What a lovely name, Henriette. Just rolls off the tongue..."
} So does saliva.
} "Say, there's a RHODent called Henriette. From Finland. It must be her!
} She's always said nice things about me."
} Must be unhinged. Comes of living too near the Arctic Circle - look at
} the Canadians.
} "That settles it! I will marry her!"
} For the sake of posterity, don't have children.
} "I shall fly to Finland right now!"
} NO! Wait, Zadoc, tell her you're coming first, so I can get out of
} here. Zadoc! ZADOC! Tell her you're coming!
} "Hmm, perhaps I should tell her I'm coming first..."
} That's it, now you've got it. She wouldn't want someone looking like
} Jack Kevorkian suddenly turning up on her doorstep, would she? The
} shock would send her even further over the edge than she clearly
} already is. Now, sit down at the console like a good little vermin, and
} tell her...
} "No! It's much more romantic if I suddenly turn up on the doorstep,
} looking dashing and hunky in a vaguely Kevorkian sort of way. The
} surprise will probably make her love me even more. No more hesitation -
} it's off to Helsinki with me!"
} Zadoc, stop! Stop, Zadoc! Zadoc... Oh god, I sound like HAL. Zadoc,
} you'll regret this. She'll beat you with birch twigs, Zadoc. You won't
} like Finland, Zadoc - they've never ever won the Eurovision Song
} Contest. Most of us recognise that as some kind of warning.
} Zadoc, you know how each one of us has his or her own private vision of
} hell? Well, mine's being present at your wedding night. Please stop,
} Zadoc. Pretty please...
} Oh well, at least I'll be able to have the marriage annulled on the
} grounds of bigamy.