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Internet Oracularities #1198

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Internet Oracularities #1198    (66 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2001 16:54:07 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1198
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1198  66 votes 87jkc bclj3 gpm30 hif97 4ekl7 cdlc8 9eeja 6esc6 7jkf5 dok72
1198  2.8 mean  3.3   2.9   2.2   2.6   3.2   2.9   3.1   3.0   2.9   2.4


1198-01    (87jkc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, most Magnificent and Wonderous of beings,
> O Ponderous Possessor of Wisdom!  I am but the lowliest of
> worms next to thee, Esteemed Answerer of Questions, and I
> grovel before you in the hopes that you might deign to
> give meaning to my life by giving me the solution to my
> most unworthy problem...
>
> You see, O Radiant Oracularness, I can't figure out what
> to do with my life.  Should I go to college and try to
> progress with the company I work for now, or try my hand
> at writing a novel?
>
> I remain your humble servant...
>
> N

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Noffras, I see Z has you doubting your chosen occupation once
} again. Ok, hold on a second. I believe that Zadoc still has a film
} from his college days that might come in handy... now... where is
} it?.... aha! Here we go. Hey Og, dim the lights while you're over
} there. Ah, there's a good troglodyte.
}
} <cue static>
}
} Narrator: So, you're undecided about your future? A short film on the
} subject of the future. Copyright 1954, MacMitchell Loughlin Hogan
} Films Incorporated. Projectionist, please forward the slide whenever
} you hear this sound:
}
} Sound: BEEP!
}
} Narrator: Please forward to the first slide now.
}
} Sound: BEEP!
}
} Narrator: So, you're undecided about your future. Well, you're not
} alone! Ha ha. And to prove it to you, we have four young college
} fellows who are also undecided. Each will follow one of four of the
} most popular career choices. We'll see how they do in the beginning,
} highpoint, and end of their chosen careers.
}
} Sound: BEEP!
}
} Narrator: Tim has chosen the career of "Dark Mage of Satan." The
} beginning of his career will be spent travelling through arcane
} libraries around the world, researching long-forgotten tomes by the
} likes of Alistaire Crowley and the Mad Arab. Thankless, tireless, and
} friendless he spounds hours reading mind-maddenning materials not fit
} for mere mortals.
}
} Sound: BEEP!
}
} Narrator: Jack has chosen an office career. He'll spend many thankless
} hours working in the computer lab, the radio station, or the lunchroom
} of his chosen college just to make ends meet while he finishes his
} degree.
}
} Sound: BEEP!
}
} Narrator: Paul has chosen the career of Novelist. His early career
} will be spent leeching off his parents and girlfriends in order to
} keep from starving to death. Eventually, he'll be forced to prostitute
} his art by writing pieces like, "How I Overcame the Shame of Gout" for
} third-rate magazines. Paul will lose 20 pounds in his first year after
} highschool due to malnutrition.
}
} Sound: BEEP!
}
} Narrator: Kevin has chosen a career as a male prostitute. He'll spend
} his early days working out at the local gym and making minimum wage at
} an upscale men's clothing store so he can use his employee discount to
} improve his wardrobe.
}
} Sound: BEEP!
}
} Narrator: Now we come to the middle of their careers. Here we see Tim.
} Tim has several minions working beneath him, and a laboratory stocked
} with all manner of chemical tool and misshapen hell-spawn. But, Tim is
} poor, and must have his minions steal the things he needs from the
} University and rob tourists so that he can pay the rent on his castle.
}
} Sound: BEEP!
}
} Narrator: Here we see Jack. Jack has reached the level of "middle
} management." His workload has decreased to the point where he's just
} stamping and signing papers all day. Jack has an ulcer. Jack has a
} secretary who hates his guts. Jack is also going through a divorce
} because he's forced to work late hours to cover the car and mortgage.
}
} Sound: BEEP!
}
} Narrator: And here is Paul. At 28, Paul wrote his first successful
} novel. He sold the movie rights and is now living the high, Hollywood
} lifestyle. He has a beautiful girlfriend, a porsche, and a pair of
} glasses that cost more than most people make in a year. Paul is living
} the good life.
}
} Sound: BEEP!
}
} Narrator: And here we see Kevin. Kevin has a regular clientele, spends
} his nights at posh, exclusive parties, hobnobs with celebrities, and
} does enough coke to kill a rhino. Kevin looks better than you. Kevin
} makes three grand an hour and five on weekends. Kevin is dating a
} high-powered Wall Street broker. Kevin drives a six-hundred-thousand
} dollar sports car from Italy. Kevin wears tampons and has sex with
} sixty year-old widows in limosines in exchange for fancy jewelry and
} houses in Malibu.
}
} Sound: BEEP!
}
} Narrator: And what of the end of their careers? Tim opened a portal to
} the Outer Realms and now spends his days being tortured by beings that
} can't be described in mortal terms.
}
} Sound: BEEP!
}
} Narrator: Jack retired with a nice, nickel-plated watch and spent the
} next six months watching M*A*S*H reruns before dying of a heart
} attack. It took four days for anyone to notice he was missing.
}
} Sound: BEEP!
}
} Narrator: Paul published several more books, each more successful than
} the last, before a batch of bad dust caused him to suffer an aneurism
} and die at age 33. No less than fifteen women are suing his estate,
} claiming he fathered their children. The latest film adaptation of one
} of his novels starred Kevin Costner, effectively eliminating any
} possibility of further films.
}
} Sound: BEEP!
}
} Narrator: And here we see Kevin lying in a dumpster behind a Los
} Angeles "Jack-in-the-Box." Kevin was beaten to death by a John, robbed
} of his money and jewelry, and left to die. Kevin got off easy, since
} he had recently contracted no less than four seperate diseases, and
} would have spent his remaining days in a hospital ward slowly rotting
} away.
}
} Sound: BEEP!
}
} Narrator: So you see, young people, the clear answer is suicide.  This
} has been a production of MacMitchell Loughlin Hogan Films
} Incorporated.
}
}
} There, N. Doesn't that make you feel better?
}
} You owe the Oracle your Doom.


1198-02    (bclj3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, master of the pen, mightier than the
> sword, whose able, amazing alliteration astounds, please tell me...
>
> I'm reading Poe's "The Masque of the Red Death" and all I can think is
> the commercials for "Red Death" cookies that they would show during a
> movie version of it. So I'm wondering, what would Poe be like if he
> didn't get rabies and croak? Would he be a sellout? Would he be
> writing for Fox?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LOS ANGELES -- At an unusual press conference yesterday, the head of
} the WB emerged from a mist-filled coffin to announce the network's fall
} line-up.
}
} "Who would have thought that a cloned sheep could eventually lead to
} such miracles?" WB's CEO, Vultango Aspartame said. "Through the wonders
} of modern science, we have cloned Edgar Allen Poe from one hair
} maintained in a library in Zurich."
}
} The project was not without its problems, Aspartame conceded.
}
} "We had to update him on the entire 20th century. You should have seen
} his face when I tried to describe a rave. He was a little confused
} about scripting styles -- and the whole concept of television, to be
} truthful -- but it worked out. Eddie has chops," he said.
}
} Aspartame and the WB are placing most of their hopes on Sunday night's
} "Murders on the Rue Morgue." Starring Pythia Citrate, Sybil Fructose
} and Cassie Drink-By-Date-On-Bottle, the series promises to be a murder
} mystery show with a twist.
}
} "A trio of young women, members of Delphi Research Inc., wear skimpy
} clothing and solve mysteries. At the close of each show, they are then
} ripped apart by apes," Aspartame said. "It sounds strange, but it
} tested really well in Indiana. Eddie assures us he can keep it fresh."
}
} Serving as the other kingpin in the network's line-up is "The Raven," a
} Tuesday night comedy series about a boy and his bird, starring Kendai
} Zorks as the boy and Jon Lovitz as the voice of the raven.
}
} Other fall offerings on the WB include "The Cask of Amontillado," an
} unusual game show hosted by Grace Jones, where celebrity guests have 10
} minutes to persuade Jones not to wall them up in a dungeon. The first
} week's guests are Kathie Lee Gifford, John Tesh and Tori Spelling.
}
} The WB's answer to "Survivor" will be "Ms. in a Bottle," where seven
} attractive guests with no maritime experience and no modern
} navigational equipment are set adrift in the ocean. The one who lasts
} longest gets to write their story for possible post-mortem publication.
}
} "You'd be surprised how many audition tapes we've received," Aspartame
} said. "They're mainly coming in from people who don't have much to live
} for anyway and figure, 'Hey, at least my family can get rich off the
} movie rights.' It worked for the 'The Perfect Storm,' right?"
}
} Completing the fall line-up will be "Anabelle Lee," about a young,
} attractive necrophiliac, starring Diabalo Sioux; "The Black Cat Files,"
} the network's answer to a certain FOX series, starring Cheyenne
} Piercing and Van Dingo as young, attractive government operatives on
} the trail of a mysterious mewing noise; and "The Pit and the Pendulum,"
} a night-time soap opera starring Thera Lamb, Voss Dogpaddle and Stirk
} Eukanuba as members of the Pendulum family, owners of a lucrative
} silver mine.
}
} "We're very excited," Aspartame said. "The quality of these shows is
} boggling. Eddie's mind never quits. He's got seven other shows in
} development, and a mini-series, 'Rolling' is being shot as we speak."
}
} Aspartame was mum on the subject of the mini-series, although he did
} hint that it was a new direction for the darkly inclined author.
}
} "Eddie wrote this one after what we call his lost weekend. He wouldn't
} tell us where he'd been, but he came back wearing baggy pants and
} waving lightsticks around, and he kept kissing everybody. What he came
} up with after that, you'll have to see to believe," he said.
}
} You owe the Oracle a list of titles from the new collection, "Poe on
} Ectasy."


1198-03    (gpm30 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does white chocolate have caffeine in it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are thinking of Green Chocolate, which is made without any
} ingredients that might harm anyone or anything.  There is no fat, no
} sugar, no caffeine, no theobromin, no animal products, nothing
} artificial, no dead trees (not even in the wrapper), and it was not
} tested on anything that could possibly be damaged.  Did I mention the
} flavour?
}
} You owe the Oracle 50 pounds of Merckens Yucatan.  See
} http://www.bakerscandc.com/chocolate01.htm


1198-04    (hif97 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <insert grovel with just the right balance of wit and obsequiousness
> here>
> <insert question which is just amusing enough to catch your eye, but
> open-ended enough to let your imagination run wild here>
> <insert politely phrased wish to receive the Oracle's advice soon here>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <funny reply>
}
} <odd request>


1198-05    (4ekl7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
>  Why do chickens spend so much time studying detailed maps of Area 51 ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The challenge. Area 51 remains to this day one of the hardest
} things to get to the other side of.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lost highway.


1198-06    (cdlc8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Squadron leader.  Come in, squadron leader.  Squadron leader?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ The squadron leader puts down his ancient copy of National
}   Geographic and stands to follow the nurse. ]
}
} Nurse: You can take that with you if you want, to read as
}        you wait in the waiting room.
}
} Leader: I just got done waiting for 40 minutes in the lobby and
}         now you're telling me I'm going to a waiting room to
}         wait some more?
}
} Nurse: Yes, I'm sorry sir, but Doctor Wright is very busy today
}        and...
}
} Leader: I have a squadron to lead!
}
} [ Leader follows nurse down the hall to the waiting room, enters
}   and sits dejectedly on a chair. Much time passes. Two Doctors
}   enter.]
}
} Doctor One: Hello, My name is Orville. We've checked your charts,
}             you're going to die. Soon.
}
} Leader: What?! I just got here! There are no charts.
}
} Doctor Two: Hello, I am Wilbur. And I agree with my brother.
}             You're as good as dead.
}
} Leader: You guys got this all wrong.
}
} Doctors One and Two: Oh, no two Wrights can't make a wrong.
}
} [ The Oracle, the entire priesthood and the system admins of
}   every single machine this message passed through would, at
}   this time like to extend to you and your extended family a
}   heart felt, "Sorry!" for that joke. We promise to be more
}   careful in the future. ]


1198-07    (9eeja dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wrote:
> > Well, if I can't marry you, can I marry Zadoc?  What's he look
> > like, anyway?  If you were me, would you marry him?
> You wrote:
> } Naw, I am still available, someone lied to you. You don't want to
> } marry someone who looks like Jack Kervorkian now do you?
>
> I wrote back:
> > Oh!  You really mean it?  Though, I happen to think that Jack
> > Kevorkian isn't too bad-looking, actually... but in any case, you
> > are my true love!  Will you marry me?
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> } You betcha and isn't ironic that you got the same gal who answered
> } you the first time. Must be fate or are we on the Love Connection?
>
> Oh, Orriiiiiiee!!!  You know I didn't mean 'you' as in 'you the
> Incarnation', but 'you' as in 'you the omniscient, godlike Oracle'!
> Though I'm sure that the Incarnation is a nice Incarnation, I just have
> a preference for omniscient, male beings, and if not them, then their
> Kevorkian-looking acolytes.  Or both.  It's hard to decide, sometimes.
>
> But since you're obviously not interested if you're beating around
> the bush like this, could you ask Zadoc for me, if he'd like to marry
> me?  Zadoc, if you're reading this, I love you!  --Henriette
>
> iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou          iloveyouiloveyou
> iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou          iloveyouiloveyou
> iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou       iloveyou        iloveyou
>                 iloveyou       iloveyou        iloveyou
>               iloveyou         iloveyou        iloveyou
>             iloveyou           iloveyou        iloveyou
>           iloveyou             iloveyou        iloveyou
>         iloveyou               iloveyou        iloveyou
>       iloveyou                 iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
>     iloveyou                   iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
>   iloveyou                     iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
> iloveyou                       iloveyou        iloveyou
> iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou       iloveyou        iloveyou
> iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou       iloveyou        iloveyou
> iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou       iloveyou        iloveyou
>
> iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou             iloveyouiloveyou
> iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou         iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
> iloveyou         iloveyou     iloveyou               iloveyou
> iloveyou          iloveyou    iloveyou               iloveyou
> iloveyou          iloveyou    iloveyou               iloveyou
> iloveyou          iloveyou    iloveyou               iloveyou
> iloveyou          iloveyou    iloveyou               iloveyou
> iloveyou          iloveyou    iloveyou               iloveyou
> iloveyou          iloveyou    iloveyou               iloveyou
> iloveyou          iloveyou    iloveyou               iloveyou
> iloveyou          iloveyou    iloveyou               iloveyou
> iloveyou          iloveyou    iloveyou              iloveyou
> iloveyou          iloveyou    iloveyou            iloveyou
> iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou        iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
> iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou            iloveyouiloveyou
>
>        iloveyouiloveyou
>    iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
> iloveyou
> iloveyou
> iloveyou
> iloveyou
> iloveyou
> iloveyou
> iloveyou
> iloveyou
> iloveyou
> iloveyou
> iloveyou
>    iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
>       iloveyouiloveyou

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The swirling lights... The vertiginous sensation of falling... The
} sudden rush of sights and sounds... Ah, my muse has alighted on another
} incarnation. I wonder who it is this time? Male, judging from the body
} odour and discomfort around the groin area. Pity, I really prefer
} female incarnations, as a rule. Well, except at that certain time of
} month, obviously...
}
} Ugh! This one's cleaning toilets! I do wish Steve Kinzler would write
} something into the program to prevent this kind of thing from
} happening. Makes me feel like that guy in 'Quantum Leap', forever
} landing in embarrassing situations. You wouldn't believe what the
} previous incarnation was up to when I arrived! Thank goodness this
} one's almost finished.
}
}     "Whistle while you work
}      Darkmage is a jerk
}      Chew and Sewell
}      Live on gruel
}      Viles just makes me smirk..."
}
} Hey, I know that voice. Must be a regular. I'll see who it is when he
} passes the mirror. What the...! Jack Kevorkian? Oh no, even worse! But
} it can't be! It's impossible!
}
} "Well, that's the morning's chores done. Guess I'll go over to the
} Master's chamber to see if he needs anything."
}
} Kinzler, you bastard! You told me you fixed it so Zadoc couldn't
} incarnate! You swore on your sainted mother's grave! When I get out of
} here you're going to be sorrier than you can even begin to imagine!
}
} "Hmm, he doesn't appear to be here. I guess he's out being incarnated
} somewhere."
}
} Yes, that must be it, Zadoc. So why don't you just toddle off and...
}
} "I wonder if there are any good questions in the queue?"
}
} Zadoc, stay away from the console! You know the Master doesn't like you
} going near...
}
} "I know the Master doesn't like me going near the console, but somehow
} I feel drawn to it. I feel like... like... like I could answer a
} question! But that can't be - I can't answer questions. The Master is
} always telling me I haven't got the IQ of a dead slug. And yet, today,
} I feel like I could do it. I feel... inspired! This can only mean one
} thing!"
}
} It means you're delusional.
}
} "Master, you chose me! After all these years, I never thought it would
} happen! Poor loyal Zadoc - always the bridesmaid, never the bride. And
} to think I imagined that tiny voice I'm hearing inside my head was just
} another one of my unfortunate episodes! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank
} you, Master! I won't let you down! I'll be a worthy receptacle of your
} muse!"
}
} Zadoc, stop! Keep your hands off that console! For god's sake, you've
} just been cleaning toilets!
}
} "You'll be proud of me, Master! This answer's going straight into the
} Best of the Best digest, you'll see. Now, what have we here? This is
} very confusing..."
}
} Damnation, I forgot! I've got to let the pustule answer at least one
} question - I'm stuck in his body until he does. Okay, Zadoc, listen
} carefully - answer 'Yes no hell', Got that? Repeat after me: Yes - no -
} hell.
}
} "Gosh, this supplicant wants to marry either me or the Master! Well,
} the Master's spoken for, of course, but as for me..."
}
} The world has yet to produce a woman sufficiently lacking in
} discernment.
}
} "I've been saving myself for Miss Right to come along. Hmm, Henriette.
} What a lovely name, Henriette. Just rolls off the tongue..."
}
} So does saliva.
}
} "Say, there's a RHODent called Henriette. From Finland. It must be her!
} She's always said nice things about me."
}
} Must be unhinged. Comes of living too near the Arctic Circle - look at
} the Canadians.
}
} "That settles it! I will marry her!"
}
} For the sake of posterity, don't have children.
}
} "I shall fly to Finland right now!"
}
} NO! Wait, Zadoc, tell her you're coming first, so I can get out of
} here. Zadoc! ZADOC! Tell her you're coming!
}
} "Hmm, perhaps I should tell her I'm coming first..."
}
} That's it, now you've got it. She wouldn't want someone looking like
} Jack Kevorkian suddenly turning up on her doorstep, would she? The
} shock would send her even further over the edge than she clearly
} already is. Now, sit down at the console like a good little vermin, and
} tell her...
}
} "No! It's much more romantic if I suddenly turn up on the doorstep,
} looking dashing and hunky in a vaguely Kevorkian sort of way. The
} surprise will probably make her love me even more. No more hesitation -
} it's off to Helsinki with me!"
}
} Zadoc, stop! Stop, Zadoc! Zadoc... Oh god, I sound like HAL. Zadoc,
} you'll regret this. She'll beat you with birch twigs, Zadoc. You won't
} like Finland, Zadoc - they've never ever won the Eurovision Song
} Contest. Most of us recognise that as some kind of warning.
}
} Zadoc, you know how each one of us has his or her own private vision of
} hell? Well, mine's being present at your wedding night. Please stop,
} Zadoc. Pretty please...
}
} Oh well, at least I'll be able to have the marriage annulled on the
} grounds of bigamy.


1198-08    (6esc6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Magnus Oraculus! Sanctificatur nomen tuum.
> When wielding the staff of Zot, which method do you use:
> 1) Do you point the end of it at the zotee?
> 2) Do you hold it above your head the way Luke Skywalker held his
> lightsaber in the Star Wars movie poster, and let the zot energy flow
> from there?
> 3) Is there a forward swinging motion like in brandishing a wand? Also,
> is the zot energy visible when it leaves the staff, or do you prefer
> the element of surprise so that the zotee never knows what hit him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you point the Staff of Zot?
}
}                                 Yes, I do, the end gets hot.
}
} Do you hold it high, above your head?
}
}                          No I don't, I often <ZOT> from bed.
}
} Do you brandish the Staff with a wand-like swish?
}
}                   Waving that thing is to have a death-wish.
}
} Can one see the Beam of Zot?
}
}                     It doesn't matter, you can dodge it not.
}
}         You owe the Oracle a fox with no socks.


1198-09    (7jkf5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Um, I, well, forgot what I, uh, was going to ask.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take two askmes and call back in the morning.


1198-10    (dok72 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Has the calorie-challenged lady sang yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, dear supplicant, the Rubenesque female has yet to raise a note,
} but heed that time is always heading forwards, and soon shall come
} the very demise of all that you hold dear!  The end is nigh!
}
} PEOPLE SHALL COME RUNNING INTO THE STREETS TO SHOUT AND SCREM
} FORGIVENESS WHEN THE END COMES!!!!
}
} HEED MY WORDS OR FACE MY WRATH!!!!!!!
}
} *ahem*
}
} Sorry about that, I've been feeling a little ill lately, some sort
} of Touretts thing I'm told.  Hopefully it will be over soon.
}
} Yes, it will ALL be over soon, you foolish mortals!  See your paradise
} rent asunder as I stride masterfully over it all in a bloodthirsty
} battle to the death!
}
} *ahem*, sorry, as I said, it's the illness.
}
} You owe the Oracle some paracetamol, and a nice lie down somewhere
} quiet for a while.


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