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17 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 17:36:19 GMT

Internet Oracularities #12

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12, 12-01, 12-02, 12-03, 12-04, 12-05, 12-06, 12-07, 12-08, 12-09, 12-10


Usenet Oracularities #12
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 13 Oct 89 00:59:27 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


12-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I order a new intestinal parasite?  I don't like this one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Parasites R Us, 677 Gook Ln., Okaskokie, OK
}
} You owe the oracle a tapeworm.


12-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the source of the greatest knowledge and wisdom in the world
> located out in the boonies? (Indiana)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By George!  You've discovered the eighth mystery of the world....
}
} But actually, if all this knowledge was located in an easily accesible
} place, there would simply be more confusion, stress, late night studying
} (which, in turn, would make Jolt cola the largest company worldwide).
} But the price of textbooks just might drop a couple percent.


12-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 6 million and 7 years ago there was the dog named Spludike.  Spludike
} was a very large dog that liked to eat large containers of liquid
} refreshment.  But one day he was introduced to solid food.  The solid
} food had a strange effect on Spludike.  Spludike suddenly started to
} grow horns, and could change color at will.  Will needless to say was
} not happy about this, so he shot Spludike.  This is why my son.


12-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My maraschino cherries melted!  What'll I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deep mental/anal analysis seems to be the only answer


12-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did my lover leave me for a 7' statue of Richard Nixon, made
> of tofu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is quite a common occurance, and has something to do with the
} combined sexual potency of tofu and deposed presidents.  The study
} or impeachofibrosis covers this.  Perhaps you've read my book, "The
} oracle speaks on impeachofibrosis" Penguin Books, $16.95
}
} You owe it to yourself to buy 4 copies in case this happens to someone
} else you know


12-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me something that you wouldn't tell anyone.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries!
} And you should be thankful that I won't tell anyone about it!


12-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you male or female?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Foolish Mortal,
}
} I am neither male or female, and am both and yet none.  (I know this is
} beyond your punny comprehension) This'll teach you to bother your
} betters.
}
} For payment I demand 1000 quarts of sperm if your're male and 1000
} quarts of milk if your're female.  If you're neuter you can skip
} payment.


12-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you train lemmings to breathe helium,
> would they survive the plunge from the cliffs by floating away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but their squeaks would become ultrasonic.  Then you could market
} them as dog whistles.
}
} The oracle has spoken.
} You now owe the oracle a book on microbiology.


12-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there still a place in the world for real programmers ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.
}
} Oh, you expected a fuller answer? The Oracle will enlighten you.
} By `real' programmers I assume that you mean good programmers, or
} programmers devoted for programming for programming's sake. (Repetively
} redundant, I know.)
} There is a great demand for real programmers in two places. The Oracle
} project, and the GOD project.
} The Oracle project is concerned with... hold on. This is Top Secret, but
} I shall enlighten you. NO ONE ELSE LOOK!
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
} The Oracle project is attempting to link people's souls with computing
} processes. (Minds have already been linked in other secret projects,
} that was easy) As you might suspect, this is where the REAL programmers
} go.
} The GOD project, (Generated Operational Deity) is an AI project. The
} BIGGEST AI project. Intelligence projects started off simulating the
} mental processes of Dan Quayle, and have, in public knowledge, advanced
} to the level of slugs and flatworms. Actually, Albert Einstein has been
} simulated on a computer, but crashed when he discovered that the
} technology which had brought him back was based, in part, on quantum
} theory. We are now shooting for Jesus Christ and Buddha, and are
} scheduling the culmination of the project for 1995. The demand for real
} programmers here is large, as well.
}  So you see, there are some very good spots for real programmers.
} You owe the Oracle your frontal lobes.


12-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracular splendence, I humbly beg of you a minute
> portion of your enlightenment.
>
> What is sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sex is a system of currency.  It is used for payment for goods or
} services rendered, such as the Oracle's advice.
}
} You owe the Oracle a blow job.


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