[IO]
Internet Oracle
22 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 7:39:04 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1200

Goto:
1200, 1200-01, 1200-02, 1200-03, 1200-04, 1200-05, 1200-06, 1200-07, 1200-08, 1200-09, 1200-10


Internet Oracularities #1200    (68 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 12 Jan 2001 10:14:51 -0500 (EST)

@@@ Some of the Oracle's users have worked up a good, unofficial
@@@ Frequently Asked Questions document for rec.humor.oracle.  You can
@@@ find it via the Oracle's website or directly at
@@@              http://www.ibiblio.org/herbmed/rhod/info.html

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1200  68 votes egma6 5mnc6 2koe8 26mpd 1anke 35sq6 3bvi5 7khi6 8joc5 7alm8
1200  3.1 mean  2.7   2.9   3.1   3.6   3.5   3.4   3.2   2.9   2.8   3.2


1200-01    (egma6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Auntie Ora
>
> There are weasels in my sub-basement!  Help!
>
> S.U. Plicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Zadoc walks onto the stage dressed in bib overalls
}   and a straw hat, he is carrying a banjo. Og is already
}   there, he has a washboard in his hand. Lisa now enters
}   from stage right, she has on the shortest pair of jeans
}   cutoff shorts you have ever seen, and a red and white
}   blouse knotted below her ample, erm, Appalachian scenery.
}   The Oracle now arrives with a blues harp. The hoe-down
}   begins! ]
}
} Weasels in the sub-basement,
} Shoo, weasels, shoo,
} Weasels in the sub-basement,
} Shoo, weasels, shoo,
} Weasels in the sub-basement,
} Shoo, weasels, shoo,
} Flush'em down the loo, my supplicant...
}
} [ Band takes five to swig on the jug, never really
}   gets back to the rest of the song. ]


1200-02    (5mnc6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What can I do with all these leftover fireworks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I always give my leftovers to my dog.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Roaming Candle.
}
} .
} .
} .
} .
}
} [ News flash ]
}
} Tatercity-AP: Terror filled the homes of Tatercity as cat
} after cat staggered back to their homes with horrific tales
} of being taken captive by "Space Aliens" and violently
} beamed in a cloud of sparks to 'Mother Ships' where they
} were forced to bark and denounce purring.
}
} "It was horrible," recalled Missy, a 3 year old siamese.
} "I was minding my own business sneaking up on a cricket
} when an alien grabbed me, tied my tail to a tractor beam
} and sent me to the mother ship!" Missy described the alien
} as looking a lot like Jimmy Bulger's pug dog "Rancid" wearing
} a shower cap on its head. Oddly enough the Mother Ship
} was described as looking a lot like Jimmy's tree house.
}
} "And the aliens in the mother ship looked sorta like Barky
} and Sparky from across the street, but only if they had
} tubes of toothpaste duct taped to their tales " continued
} a frightened Missy.
}
} FBI special Agents 'Arf' Molehair and 'Red' Sulky said
} abduction victims sometimes describe aliens as looking
} like innocent neighbors. "It has to do with projection,"
} explained 'Arf. Agent Sulky added, "For heavens sake we're
} investigating cat abductions in an Oracle answer now, how
} much more absurd can these plots get before we're canceled?"


1200-03    (2koe8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Great Oracle of knowledge of happiness,
>
>  Fast food has really burned me out, pizza is getting old, and I'd
>  like to cook for once.  What should I have for dinner tonight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}              The Oracle's Favorite -Easy- Meals!
}
} * Yin/Yang Breakfast
}   Ingredients: Vanilla Ice Cream and Burnt Hot Dogs.
}
}   Recipe:
}   Toss hot dogs into the oven, crank the heat up real high,
}   put some vanilla ice cream in a bowl, when hot dogs
}   begin to emit smoke their done. Eat rapidly before hot
}   dogs cool or ice cream melts.
}
} * Slow Moving Feast
}   Ingredients: peanut butter,mustard,white bread
}
}   Recipe:
}   Saturate a slice of bread in mustard, Spread peanut butter
}   on BOTH sides of a piece of bread, place in freezer, take
}   it out 24 hours later. A crunchy stack for hot days!
}
} * Sun Milk
}   Ingredients: Milk, nine tea bags
}
}   Recipe:
}   open a gallon of cold milk, stuff the nine tea bags
}   into milk ( you may need to chug out some milk to get
}   them to fit), place container in sunny spot, come back
}   six hours later. Serve in glass over ice.
}
} * Gas Station
}   Ingredients: can of black eyed peas, can of cheap chili,
}   package frozen lima beans, some asparagus (fresh, canned,
}   frozen, it really doesn't matter), four cups of sugar
}
}   Recipe:
}   Pour all ingredients into a microwave safe bowl or plastic
}   bag, shake vigorously, place in microwave, heat on high
}   for 17 minutes, eat hot
}
} * Busy Buzz-buzz Snack
}   Ingredients: sugar cubes, honey
}
}   Recipe:
}   Place sugar cubes on a paper plate, douse liberally with
}   honey. That's it! Yum!
}
} You owe the Oracle some candles.


1200-04    (26mpd dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you in your infinite yet magnanimous wisdom explain something
> that's been troubling me for years? When pigeons bob their heads
> as they walk is it because their legs are connected to their necks
> or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pigeons want to make sure that at all times no human
} will ever, ever mistake them for a statue.


1200-05    (1anke dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@suespammers.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Will California ever have so many laws that no one will be
> able to do anyting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracular Press - San Francisco, California, 28 June 2038 -
}
} S.F. was rocked today by a crime wave the likes of which this reporter
} has never seen before.
}
} It all started at approximately six a.m., when one Mr. Jessie Parsons
} allegedly activated his vehicle a mere two seconds after entering it,
} thus endangering the livelihood of those around him.  His neighbor, Mr.
} Juan Kardican, initiated a citizen's arrest.  Since this is in direct
} violation of Supreme Court rulings, -his- neighbor made an arrest,
} also.
}  This went on for quite a while, and eventually the whole neighborhood
} had to be taken into custody by a SWAT Team.  The SWAT Team is
} currently under investigation for alleged use of excessive force.  The
} investigative team is currently under investigation for overuse of the
} legal system.  That investigative team is currently under investigation
} for overuse of the charge of overuse of the legal system.  The legal
} system is currently under investigation because these kind of things
} have been happening every day.  Days are currently under investigation
} because they allegedly do not allow enough work to be done.  Work of
} all kinds is under investigation because of possible moral infractions.
} The moral code is currently under investigation because of alleged
} involvement in religion, which is a strict violation of the First
} Amendment.  The First Amendment is under investigation because it may
} have been written by practitioners of religion.
}
} In an unrelated story, a new poll shows that lawyers now make up over
} 90% of the workforce in America.  This poll is currently under
} investigation...
}
} You owe the Oracle a way out that doesn't offend anyone.


1200-06    (35sq6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most slippery and hard to define,
>
> Do you employ any illegal aliens at the temple?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    They're just house-guests, and I occasionally lend them
} spending money.
}
}    In return, they sometimes give me a hand with the little chores
} around the temple such as cleaning, washing dishes, hobbling
} animals, catching blood in bowls, disemboweling intruders,
} certification of temple virgins, making beds for
} de-virginification ceremonies, filming same for distribution under
} the "Slaves of Olympus" studio titles, fluffing, de-fluffing,
} stunt money shots, script-writing, growing of soma, preparation of
} soma, selling soma on street corners, carrying out hits on rival
} soma distributers as well as cocaine and heroin dealers angry at
} us cutting into their market, collection of protection money,
} wielding lesser ZOTs on those failing to pay up their protection
} money, white slavery, black slavery, green and maroon slavery,
} temple prostitution, house prostitution, street prostitution,
} light pimping, S&M sessions, M&S sessions (Lisa has an account at
} Marks and Sparks, and she *loves* to shop), loan sharking,
} recovery of sharks from deadbeat loanees, and the odd traditional
} horse's head in the bed routine.
}
}    We also serve as a mail drop for a couple of science fiction
} writers who prefer to tell their parents that they're employed in
} the above trades instead.
}
}    Did I say employed? My mistake.
}
}    You owe the Oracle a chance at a confirmation hearing. I'm
} omniscient - if they swear me to tell the *whole* truth, I'll
} start with Pappy Bush and work my way down to Laura.


1200-07    (3bvi5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Any messages while I was gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just the usual...
}
} 16 Calls from "Starbright Windows & Conservatories" asking if you've
} considered double glazing - since the day before.
}
} 13 Calls from some insurance company or other, who've yet to figure
} out that telling you you might die tomorrow is possibly not the best
} tack to take to get a sale.
}
} 6 Calls from an insurance company who sounded like they meant it when
} they said you might die tomorrow. They also made it sound like it
} could hurt, a lot.
}
} 3 Calls from Dave the Kink, he says the Vaseline is getting cold, and
} marrows only last for so long you know.
}
} 10 Calls from some guys modem at three in the morning.
}
} A call from some guy called 'Georgie' asking if we should "bomb the
} hell out of the Middle East and be done with it". He sounded quite
} confused so I suggested he might as well and see what happened.
}
} And 2 calls (wrong numbers) from a confused elderly lady called
} Agnes, who seems to be under the impression you're her son. I know
} now more about her curtains and her friend Doris' hip replacement
} than is healthy. Even for an entity such as myself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a freshly Vaselined marrow.


1200-08    (7khi6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SUPPLICANT LICENSE AGREEMENT
>
> 0. In the following license agreement, the following words mean the
> following things:
>
> The word "supplicant" refers to the sender of the electronic mail
> (e-mail) message.
> The word "question" refers to all text of the email message, including,
> but not limited to, signature, headers and mime information, regardless
> of whether an actual question is present.
>
> 1.  Answering this license agreement dictates your full agreement with
> its terms and conditions, and acknowledges that this license agreement
> applies to all future questions as well as retrospectively.
>
> 2.  The supplicant reserves the right to resubmit any question, an
> unlimited number of times, if, at the sole discretion of the
> supplicant, the answer to the supplicant's question is unsatisfactory.
>
> 3.  The supplicant reserves the right to submit any question,
> including, but not limited to, the questions known as the null question
> and the woodchuck question.
>
> 4.  The supplicant reserves the right to submit questions in any
> format, including, but not limited to the formats known as MIME, HTML,
> ROT13 and any variations and combinations thereof.
>
> 5.  The supplicant reserves the right to "tellme" as often as the
> supplicant chooses, and any instructions from the Oracle to do so or
> not do so are merely considered advice and non-binding.
>
> 6.  The supplicant is under no responsibility to answer questions when
> directed to by the Oracle.
>
> 7.  The Oracle will not be aware of the supplicant's identity, and will
> make no attempt to ascertain this information or information that can
> be reasonably considered to lead to this information.
>
> 8.  The Oracle guarantees that a question of the supplicant will appear
> in the "Internet Oracularities", at least ten (10) times a year.
>
> 9.  The Oracle guarantees that a question of the supplicant will appear
> in the "Best Of The Internet Oracularities", at least one (1) time a
> year.
>
> 10.  The Oracle guarantees that no answers will be given that are not
> relevant to the supplicant's question.
>
> 11.  The Oracle guarantees that all questions will be answered, and
> they will be answered within a period of two (2) days.
>
> 12.  The supplicant grants redistribution rights to the Oracle for the
> supplicant's questions.  Any publication of such material must however
> clearly carry the notice "Portions copyright 2001 Supplicant", where
> "2001" is replaced by the year in which the supplicant's question was
> submitted.
>
> 13.  No telepathy or possession will be used on the supplicant or
> anyone in contact with the supplicant by the Oracle either directly or
> by anyone under the employment by the Oracle, whether that employment
> is in exchange for other considerations or otherwise, at any point in
> time from the time this license agreement goes into effect.
>
> 14.  The Oracle guarantees that no harm will come to the supplicant, by
> the Oracle either directly or by anyone under the employment by the
> Oracle, whether that employment is in exchange for other considerations
> or otherwise, and whether that harm is as a result of the supplicant's
> activities in connection with the Oracle or otherwise, at any point in
> time from the time this license agreement goes into effect.  This
> includes but is not limited to, the process of "zotting".
>
> If you do not agree with this license agreement, please immediately
> delete this question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: The Internet Oracle's Legal Department
}       <oracle-legal@cs.indiana.edu>
} To: The Supplicant QgsaGzb <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
}
} Subject: Your draft of a Supplicant License Agreement
}
} Dear Sirs,
}
} thank you very much for your draft of a Supplicant License Agreement.
} My partner and I have pondered the implications that the license
} agreement in it's present form would have and have come up with a few
} alterations. In this document you will find a few annotations to your
} original suggestion; in the appendix you will find a new version of the
} Supplicant License Agreement, that, we are proud to say, has the full
} backing of the Oracle itself.
}
} > > 2.  The supplicant reserves the right to resubmit any question, an
} > > unlimited number of times, if, at the sole discretion of the
} > > supplicant, the answer to the supplicant's question is
} > > unsatisfactory.
} However, the supplicant should be aware that, if the Oracle receives the
} same question by the same supplicant over and over again, the Oracle
} might become a little bit irritated.
}
} > > 3.  The supplicant reserves the right to submit any question,
} > > including, but not limited to, the questions known as the null
} > > question and the woodchuck question.
} No problem here, but the supplicant will have to live with the
} consequences. Which, fortunately, won't be very much longer in the case
} of the woodchuck question.
}
} > > 7.  The Oracle will not be aware of the supplicant's identity, and
} > > will make no attempt to ascertain this information or information
} > > that can be reasonably considered to lead to this information.
} That really clashes a bit with the Oracle being "omniscient", don't you
} think?
}
} > > 8.  The Oracle guarantees that a question of the supplicant will
} > > appear in the "Internet Oracularities", at least ten (10) times a
} > > year.
} This is a matter in which the Oracle has no saying.
}
} > > 10.  The Oracle guarantees that no answers will be given that are
} > > not relevant to the supplicant's question.
} *All* the answers the Oracle gives are relevant to the supplicant's
} question. If the supplicant fails to see the connection, then that's
} his/her fault.
}
} > > 11.  The Oracle guarantees that all questions will be answered, and
} > > they will be answered within a period of two (2) days.
} We think "...and they will *usually* be answered within a period of two
} (2) workingdays" is better.
}
} > > 12.  The supplicant grants redistribution rights to the Oracle for
} > > the supplicant's questions.
} This is imperative.
}
} > > Any publication of such material must however
} > > clearly carry the notice "Portions copyright 2001 Supplicant", where
} > > "2001" is replaced by the year in which the supplicant's question
} > > was submitted.
} That somewhat contravenes point 7, doesn't it?
}
} > > 14.  The Oracle guarantees that no harm will come to the
} > > supplicant...
} No chance. The Oracle would *never* consent to a harm-exclusion clause.
}
} Now, here is the version as approved the The Internet Oracle:
}
} SUPPLICANT LICENSE AGREEMENT
} ----------------------------
}
} 0.  In the following license agreement, the following words mean the
} following things:
}
} The word "supplicant" refers to the sender of the electronic mail
} (e-mail) message.
} The word "question" refers to all text of the email message, including,
} but not limited to, signature, headers and mime information, regardless
} of whether an actual question is present.
}
} 1.  Answering this license agreement dictates your full agreement with
} its terms and conditions, and acknowledges that this license agreement
} applies to all future questions as well as retrospectively.
}
} 2.  The supplicant is aware that resubmitted question have a tendency to
} annoy the Oracle. He agrees to keep these to the absolute minimum.
}
} 3.  The supplicant is aware that certain questions (this includes the
} woodchuck question, imitations of Steve Wright jokes, questions
} concerning long forgotten in-jokes and the null question) are not to be
} asked. If he or she does nevertheless, the supplicant does so at his/her
} own risk.
}
} 4.  The supplicant may submit a question in any format / language he
} chooses; the Oracle is omniscient.
}
} 5.  If the supplicant receives the message that "the queue is rather
} full", he/she agrees to do an askme immediately following the tellme
} from which he or she received said message.
}
} 6.  The supplicant accepts the Oracle as his/her supreme Authority. This
} implies that the supplicant immediately carries out any order the Oracle
} might give him or her.
}
} 7.  The Oracle guarantees that it will not post the supplicants name and
} address on alt.bizarr.
}
} 8.  Any publication of material the supplicant supplied to The Internet
} Oracle in form of questions or answers is up to scrutiny by the
} independent body that compiles the digests. The supplicant has no right
} of publication whatsoever.
}
} 9.  See 8.
}
} 10.  If the supplicant receives an answer by the Oracle which he fails
} to understand, that's his or her problem. The Oracle is not to blame if
} the supplicant fails to meet the high intellectual standards set by the
} Oracle.
}
} 11.  The Oracle guarantees that all questions will be answered, and they
} will usually be answered within a period of two (2) workingdays.
}
} 12.  The supplicant grants unlimited redistribution rights to the Oracle
} for the supplicant's questions and answers. Remuneration for publication
} will not be paid.
}
} 13.  Should the Oracle or one of its employees one day master the art of
} telepathy or possession, it reserves the right to use it on deserving
} supplicants.
}
} 14.  The supplicant accepts full responsibility for the effect his or
} her question has on the Oracle. The supplicant explicitly states that
} he/she knows that he/she might get zotted and that this, should this
} happen, is entirely his or her fault. The supplicant further accepts
} that he or she has no right whatsoever of compensation for harm caused
} by the Oracle. Neither have next-of-kin in case the supplicant gets
} zotted.
}
} Please sign here:
}
}
} - - - - - - - - -
}   (supplicant)
}
} We hope you can live with this version of the Supplicant Licence
} Agreement.
}
} Your's truly,
}
} The Oracle's Legal Department


1200-09    (8joc5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most multilingual,
>
> What is the worst example of mistranslation ever made?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Top Ten Possible Outcomes of the SETI at Home Project
}
} 10) 10,000 years from now Aliens will land on Earth and ask why no
}     one got there "We're Coming" message. It is discovered that
}     the Aliens had posted it to alt.test and no one saw it. Aliens
}     laugh at SETI at Home idea as akin to reading tea leaves.
}
} 09) Hello! The SETI project is a scam. It is run by the NSA to use
}     the massed CPU cycles of the first world to break people's PGP
}     passwords via brute force attacks.
}
} 08) Opps! Sorry, but two years from now the SETI people will announce
}     there was a bug in their software and you'll all have to start
}     over.
}
} 07) The major American TV networks will launch a similar project
}     in which the world's PC's will be harnessed to cull through
}     archives looking for a plot, or even a punch line, they haven't
}     used eight hundred times before.
}
} 05) SETI project is revealed to be part of Intel/Microsoft
}     plot to gain access to computers of a segment of the
}     population that traditionally not fallen for the free AOL
}     account trap.
}
} 06) Well, if if you're looking for intelligence you won't find it
}     among people who pay thousands for the fastest CPUs they can
}     get then bog the machines down trying to make sense out of
}     background radiation.
}
} 04) Extra terrestrials are flabbergast to find out when spent years
}     analyzing the line noise created by stars they were moving
}     around to spell out "Hello humans" in the heavens.
}
} 03) The home computer of one Penny Beatrice Century of Moreno,
}     California churns out the vital link to communicating
}     with other-worldly beings. But her husband accidentally
}     deletes it trying to hide evidence of all the nudie
}     .jpgs he had downloaded the night before.
}
} 02) JPL probe to find out the pranksters behind the nude photo
}     of Uma Thurman painted on the Mars 17 probe also uncovers
}     that the same group came up with the SETI at Home screen
}     saver hoax. Forty two scientists are fired.
}
} 01) After decades of work by thousands it is decided the SETI
}     at Home project was a well meaning but doomed, pointless
}     task. But even it's critics say it gave hope to many and
}     thus on the whole was not intricacy evil.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fish.


1200-10    (7alm8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <MTLRPH@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me why the Oracle always seems to hate me.  I love hatred,
> except when I receive it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Blessed supplicant, the Oracle doesn't hate you. The Oracle loves all
} his supplicants. Or her supplicants.
}
} The Oracle is a gentle breeze ruffling your hair on a summer's
} day. The Oracle is the laughter of little children. The Oracle is a
} warm puppy. The Oracle is the look your beloved gives you when you put
} the seat down for the first time. The Oracle is freshly mowed
} grass. The Oracle is love, baby, love. The Oracle is every Nobel Peace
} Prize winner ever going camping together and holding hands around the
} camp fire and singing songs. The Oracle is that bubble, when you're
} blowing bubbles, that's just so much bigger than all the others, and
} floats off wobbling into the sky and that moment just before it pops
} when the colors are the most beautiful, that's the Oracle.
}
} Now smeg off, goofball.
}
} You owe the Oracle another beer.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org