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Internet Oracularities #1201

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Internet Oracularities #1201    (68 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 19 Jan 2001 14:09:36 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1201
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1201  68 votes irf80 egff8 6hqe5 bkq92 26ooc 29col 46jmh 48jqb 4cpj8 57ipd
1201  3.2 mean  2.2   2.8   2.9   2.6   3.6   3.8   3.6   3.5   3.2   3.5


1201-01    (irf80 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, Mr. Future-seeing all-knowing robed guy, what is "Buffy" going to
> be like after it leaves the WB and moves to FOX?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The same as it is on BBC2, only thinner, and with adverts.


1201-02    (egff8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> THE DEATH OF PYTHIA
> CHAPTER 1

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Happy to oblige!
}
} THE DEATH OF PYTHIA
} SCENE 1
}
} [ Headquarters of Delphic Research, Inc. A businessman and a
} businesswoman standing around in a large, sunny conference room. The
} panorama behind them suggests this is the top floor of a frighteningly
} tall skyscraper. ]
}
} Zadoc (turns impatiently to Lisa):
}       Charming place. Inspiring prospects. (forcefully) Let's go.
} Lisa:
}       We can't.
} Zadoc:
}       Why not?
} Lisa:
}       We're waiting for Pythia.
} Zadoc:
}       (despairingly) Ah! (pause)  Here, you sure?
} Lisa:
}       What?
} Zadoc:
}       Were we supposed to wait here?
} Lisa:
}       She said in the conference room.
} Zadoc:
}       Hm. (pause. turns to an office plant in the corner.) What is it?
} Lisa:
}       I don't know. An orchid, maybe.
} Zadoc:
}       Where are the leaves?
} Lisa:
}       It must be dead.
} Zadoc:
}       Doesn't have to worry about the future anymore.
} Lisa:
}       Or perhaps it's not the season.
} Zadoc:
}       Maybe we're in the wrong place?
} Lisa:
}       She should be here.
} Zadoc:
}       She didn't say for sure she'd come.
} Lisa:
}       What are you saying? And if she doesn't come?
} Zadoc:
}       We'll come back tomorrow?
} Lisa (nodding):
}       Mhm. And the day after tomorrow.
} Zadoc:
}       Perhaps.
} Lisa:
}       And so on.
} Zadoc:
}       But -
} Lisa:
}       Until she comes.
} Zadoc:
}       You're -
}
} [ A temp enters carrying an enormous box overflowing with papers. A
} few yards behind the temp, Kirkegaard dressed like a businessman
} enters. ]
}
} Zadoc:
}       Is that her?
} Lisa:
}       Who?
} Zadoc:
}       (trying to recall the name) Um...
} Lisa:
}       Pythia?
} Zadoc:
}       Yeah.
} Kirkegaard:
}       I'm Kirkegaard.
} Lisa:
}       (impatiently to Zadoc) *She* is a *priestess*.
} Zadoc:
}       You're not Pythia, sir?
} Kirkegaard:
}       I'm Kirkegaard! (threateningly) Kirkegaard! Does this name mean
}       nothing to you? (Lisa and Zadoc exchange glances) Nothing???
} Zadoc (pretending to recall):
}       Circe guard...
} Lisa (likewise):
}       Kirk a guard?
}       (Kirkegaard advances threateningly)
}       I apologize, we're not from around here, sir.
} Kirkegaard:
}       Ah, no matter, you're still human. (puts on glasses, takes a
}       better look) Or so far as I can see. (takes off glasses) Same
}       species as myself! (bursts into uproarious laughter) Same
}       species as Kirkegaard! Made in God's image!
} Zadoc (puzzled):
}       Well -
} Kirkegaard:
}       (interrupting) Who is Pythia?
} Lisa:
}       Pythia?
} Kirkegaard:
}       You took me for a Pythia.
} Zadoc:
}       Never, sir!
} Kirkegaard:
}       Who is he?
} Lisa:
}       She - she is a - well - the high priestess.
} Zadoc:
}       Or so we're told. We don't really know her.
} Lisa:
}       True, we don't really know her, I meant.
} Zadoc:
}       We wouldn't even recognize her if we saw her.
} Kirkegaard:
}       So you were waiting for her?
} Lisa:
}       Well -
} Kirkegaard:
}       Here, in *my* conference room?
} Zadoc:
}       We didn't mean to offend.
} Lisa:
}       We booked it in advance.
} Kirkegaard:
}       (magnanimously) Let's talk about it no more. (to the temp, who's
}       dropped the box on the floor) Up, temp! Every time he drops he
}       falls asleep. Up! (to Lisa and Zadoc) Happy to have met you!
}       (preempting their glances of disbelief) Yes, sincerely so. M-hm.
}       Adieu!
}       (Exit Kirkegaard and temp)
} Lisa:
}       (after a pause) That passed the time.
} Zadoc:
}       It would've passed anyway.
} Lisa:
}       So what do we do now?
} Zadoc:
}       Let's go.
} Lisa:
}       We can't.
} Zadoc:
}       Why not?
} Lisa:
}       We're waiting for Pythia.
} Zadoc:
}       (despairingly) Oh!  (pause) Maybe we should split up?
} Lisa:
}       Hm? (looking menacingly at Zadoc)
} Zadoc:
}       Let's go.
}
}       (they do not move)
}
} END OF SCENE 1
} ***
}
} You owe the Oracle an interview with Godot. Or Beckett, if Godot is
} unavailable.


1201-03    (6hqe5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please explain the economics of the Internet.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > The internet is a network of computers which are connected by various
} > means, most often through cables similar to or including telephone
} > cables. This keeps the telephones guys in business.
}
} Meanwhile, the computer people are forever making incremental
} adjustments to their products, which allows them to sell what is
} essentially the same thing they were selling six months ago, market it
} as a new or new and improved product, and get the same people who
} bought one six months ago to buy another one. This keeps the computer
} people in business.
}
} The garbage men make a lot of money getting overtime in whilst getting
} rid of those 'old' machines. This keeps the garbage men in business, as
} well as some of the smarter rats.
}
} The advertising people, famous for having invented an industry where
} you're paid huge sums of money and eventually treated as a celebrity,
} simply for selling space that doesn't really exist, is good for nothing
} else, or is currently someone else's property - note that the internet
} technically belongs the category 'space that doesn't exist' , but could
} fulfill the criteria for entry into any of these categories - and then
} charging more to fill it up with their own deranged ramblings on
} subjects which may or may not be related to the product, service or
} idea those who have hired them are trying to 'sell'. This keeps the ad
} men up to their eyeballs in coke, caviar and starlets. Loosely
} speaking, this is a sign that they continue to be in 'business', but
} since an advertiser who is out of work is generally a recluse, inmate
} or corpse, it's hard to tell.
}
} Meanwhile, the prevalence of advertising which has little or no bearing
} on reality, takes up time in people's lives whilst they read it, and is
} more lucrative than educational or factual material, public preferences
} for learning move towards the sound bite culture, in which the nearest
} they come to learning anything beyond the normal ages of two or three
} when the unconscious urge can be consciously blocked, is in the form of
} 'factoids', i.e., ad nausea. This keeps the educators, well-intended
} politicians, intelligent and older-generation out of business, as the
} dominant youth - those who think they have money to spend, as they're
} being offered all these credit cards - demand more of less, preferring
} to keep the length of time they focus their attention to a minimum. If
} you were one of them, the best answer for you would be 'OK'.
} Meanwhile, the money or credit is in the hands of the youth, who
} always want the latest and, therefore best [sic] version of everything,
} continue to go out and buy new computers, read the factoids in the
} advertisements, forget how to read, look at the pretty pictures, press
} buttons and generally create or transfer wealth for the profit groups,
} above.
}
} You owe the Oracle some advertising free web pages and a grip.


1201-04    (bkq92 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Splendiferous Oracle, whom I am not worthy to gaze upon, please
> favour me with a reply to my humble query.
>
> Why on earth did Daphne run off with Niles? I mean, the unrequited love
> that Niles had for Daphne was a major part of the comedy. Now that's
> all gone. It's not even as if it's slightly believable. And another
> thing. If Daphne is from Manchester, why does her brother have a
> Cockney accent? Are Americans unaware of the difference?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Memo to: all supplicants RE: Coming soon; The Third and Final Renaming
} of The Oracle.
}
} As you well know on 14 March 1996 "The Usenet Oracle" changed its
} name to "The Internet Oracle". As you may or may not know the Oracle
} has been involved in a Temple coffers' draining legal battle with a
} search engine that has usurped the name of "Internet Oracle".
}
} While we here at Oracle World Headquarters know we are in the right
} as to having prior ownership of the name "Internet Oracle" we are
} *considering* giving up any legal claim to the name BUT not due to
} the legal battle with those parasites and humorless drones over at
} the search engine site.
}
} The Oracle has noted that the questions sent in are increasingly about
} TV and or Movies, very few of the questions dealing with non-media
} events anymore. In light of that we are proud to announce (with full
} legal bravado) that quite soon now we will be changing to the name
} of "The Entertainment Oracle(tm)".
}
} In keeping with this exciting change The Temple is being moved to,
} you guessed it!, Hollywood, California the entertainment capital of
} the world. The Temple will be located on world famous Vine Street.
} It will be open on the weekends to tourists and will feature a gift
} shop, private multi-media center and museum, and a chance to talk LIVE
} to priests via closed circuit phones in a private booth separated
} from a sexy, mind stimulating priest or priestess of your choice by
} a two inch thick sheet of plexi- glass -that will be cleaned every
} hour on the hour-.
}
} Thank you for sharing our excitement and joy at this the latest and
} greatest change to happen to The Entertainment Oracle (tm).
}
} Ciao!


1201-05    (26ooc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great & productive Oracle, you are the biggest rooster in the coop!
>
> Why does it say 'In God We Trust' on American money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Top Ten Reasons American Money Bears The Motto "In God We Trust":
}
} 10) The other half of the motto ("All others strictly cash!") was
} abandoned years ago - the American economy runs on borrowed money.
}
} 9) God's a really good credit risk.
}
} 8) It's in the public domain. When the U.S. Mint considered "Just do
} it!" for a motto, three Nike lawyers were accidentally devoured in
} anticipation of the feeding frenzy.
}
} 7) It gives "separation of church and state" activists an excuse to
} yell at Christian fundamentalists: "Hey! We put God on public money,
} now shut up and go away!"
}
} 6) "Your message here" wasn't invented until -after- the money was
} designed.
}
} 5) Has God ever lied to you?
}
} 4) Metallica doesn't care if you download it from Napster.
}
} 3) A fortuitous engraver's mistake. Massachusetts refused to become a
} state unless their fishing industry was given federal recognition - the
} motto was originally supposed to be "In Cod We Trust."
}
} 2) Just to mess with the heads of people snorting cocaine through
} rolled-up dollar bills.
}
} 1) Because "truth in advertising" laws don't apply to government
} documents.
}
} You owe the Oracle $100 in shekels.


1201-06    (29col dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  48 6F 77 20 6D 75 63 68 20 77 6F 6F 64 20 77 6F 75 6C 64 20 61 20 77
>  6F 6F 64 63 68 75 63 6B 20 63 68 75 63 6B 20 69 66 20 61 20 77 6F 6F
>  64 63 68 75 63 6B 20 63 6F 75 6C 64 20 63 68 75 63 6B 20 77 6F 6F 64
>  3F

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How bizarre, how perplexing
} more mysterious than chicken sexing
} why you thought that simple hexing
} would keep this question from being vexing?
}
} 5A 4F 54 21
}
} No doubt now you'll think it merry
} to ask again the dreaded query
} Which incarnation will the burden carry
} Should you send it as binary?
}
} 1011010 1001111 1010100 100001
}
} Your feet upon a desperate road
} In danger of being made a toad
} Yet still the Oracle you goad
} Good gods, what's next-- morse code?
}
} --..----!
}
} Until ambition over keen
} Pushes you to the last extreme
} Hunched over the keyboard, mad and mean
} You ask the question in rot13
}
} MBG!
}
} The moral:
} No matter if you're feeling puckish
} And tempted to push your luckish
} And even risk an answer suckish
} Don't ask questions that are w**dchuckish.


1201-07    (46jmh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, you are so good at everything!  Now I need you to be good
> at something that just might be outside your vast abilities.  I need
> you, in spite of your Great Omniscience, to forget about something.
> Remember what I was doing last Thursday?  Well, please forget it.
> And if you can make any possible witnesses forget it, too, that would
> be even better.  Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't fret about it. Sheep can't talk.


1201-08    (48jqb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is grovelling a sign of weakness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Supplicant most esurient, whose sheen can be seen from seven
} light-years away, whose brilliance is akin to the opposite of shadows,
} whose humour and tact take the breath away from asthma sufferers, who
} can shake the stars just by blinking in their general direction, whose
} life is the sole purpose of those around you, whose shape and form were
} dictated by the gods themselves, whose lack of a grovel knows no
} bounds, whose grace and subtlety smack of an all-wood baseball bat,
} whose nostril hairs only occasionally need trimming, whose ear hairs
} are actually quite cute once you get to know them, whose long rambling
} diatribes are enlightening and humourous at the same time without being
} overly overwhelming, who is able to light the fires in just about any
} relationship, whose rotundness is matched only by your sense of
} good-nature, who inspires terror in the hearts of your enemies, who
} convinces men to march to their deaths without having to say a word,
} who crumples iron as if it were paper, whose words of wisdom have been
} transcribed for the ages, whose significance in the cosmos is assured,
} please accept this most humble answer from one who is not worthy to
} read your utters:
}
} Not at all.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle a thing, Your Magnificence.


1201-09    (4cpj8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Bright,
>
> What can I do with all these now illegal candles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SACRAMENTO (AP) - In a surprising turn of events, Governor Gray Davis
} of California has issued an executive order declaring posession of
} candles, flashlights, and other self-contained sources of light a
} misdemeanor. In a prepared statement issued to the press this morning,
} Davis referred to the chronic electricity shortages that have plagued
} California in recent months. "Deregulation of the power industry is our
} primary goal," he said. "Without energy users, there is no industry to
} deregulate. Removing yourself from the power grid only removes the
} profit incentive for the utilities - without a profit motive, they'll
} close up and move on to selling scrap metal and low-grade radioative
} waste to Mexico. It is every Californian's duty to support the
} utilities in every way possible - by buying power, by using power, and
} by waiting patiently through the rolling blackouts. Anyone who does
} otherwise - burning candles, eating cold dinners, or going to bed at
} sundown - is not taking the best interests of the state to heart."


1201-10    (57ipd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, I love these questions in code!  Let's see what it means.
}
} > Quidquid
}
} The supplicant is English, and he's asking for money.  Lots of money.
}
} > latine
}
} The spell-checker suggests that this word is "latrine."  It's not
} encouraging, but on the other hand, it's right in line with a lot
} of Oracularities.
}
} > dictum
}
} This is a simple sounds-like cipher.  Dick, thumb.  It remains to be
} seen what the supplicant is doing with them.  I do hope my initial
} guess is wrong.
}
} > sit
}
} Well, yes, that is what one does on a latrine.
}
} > altum
}
} The novice may be distracted by the similarity to the prior word
} "dictum".  But in actual fact, this is the root from which we
} get "Altoids" (the curiously strong mint).  In short, curiosity.
} Essentially, this word merely indicates that the supplicant is asking
} a question, a fact which was never in doubt.
}
} > viditur
}
} Obvious.  Videotape.
}
} So putting that all together, the supplicant is asking for a
} significant amount of money, because he has a videotape taken in the
} latrine of...
}
} Oh, all right, you win.  A package of unmarked bills will be in the
} mail tomorrow.
}
} You owe the Oracle that videotape.  *ALL* the copies.  And a vow
} of silence.


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