} I suggest you write about something timeless, something that all
} people love, something that is near and dear to all. Yes, I speak
} of 'bar jokes'.
} You've told them, you've heard them, you've read them and
} been mislead by them.
} This is the first known bar joke:
} * A man and a saber tooth stared at a bush of fermented
} berries near which were tipsy birds. The man said "Ur!".
} And then the saber tooth ate the man. And then the saber
} tooth ate the birds.
} Bar jokes quickly evolved into an art form. The Greeks held
} bar joke contests before dramas. This one is by Euripides:
} * A Spartan, an man of Athens and a visiting Egyptian
} were taking unwatered wine when the man from Athens
} said, "In Athens if you drink a cup of unwatered wine
} the others in the room buy you a second cup!". The
} Spartan laughs and says, "In Sparta if you guzzle a
} wineskin of unwatered wine and do not pass out the
} others give you another bigger wineskin of unwatered
} wine!". And the Egyptian said, "If you go to a place
} of drink in my homeland, people buy you cups of drink
} for hours on end and then you can go to the home of
} someone there and have a night of wild sex." The
} Spartan says, "Zeus' hair, I believe you not! Has this
} ever happened to you?". "Well, no," says the Egyptian,
} "But it happens to my sister all the time."
} During the dark ages of Europe bar jokes, slumped into
} a stupor of disuse. Luckily the rest of the world kept
} the tradition alive. Here's a bar joke from ancient China.
} * A zen master and a warrior enter a place of sake and lewd
} women. Inside they encounter a cat of huge size, the cat
} is gawking at the women. The zen master says, "Unseemly is
} the staring of that cat." "Not to worry egghead," says the
} warrior, "it is a Peking tom."
} In the USA the wild West period had its share of bar jokes:
} * A three legged dog limps into a saloon and says, "I'm looking
} for the man who shot my paw."
} During WWII bar jokes took on a harsher edge in those harsh
} * An British solider was stationed in Libya fighting The
} Desert Fox. There was no pub in that desert land, but
} they did find a dark hovel where a strange liquor was
} sold. One lad drank his fill and then tried to walk back
} to base. He exits the hovel and walks smack dab into a
} palm tree, knocking him out. An hour latter he gets up
} and walks smack into the tree again. "Blimey," says the
} lad, "I'm lost in a forest."
} Hard times followed for bar jokes during the 1960s when
} LSD jokes ruled, the few bar jokes we have from that period
} are a tad surreal:
} * A fish goes into a bar and the barkeep says, "What do
} you want?" and the fish grabs a napkin on it he scrawls
} one word, "Water".
} But now a days bar jokes are back in. Below are the Oracle's
} current favorite bar jokes.
} * A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman
} says "That's a cute newt, what's he called?" "He's called Tiny."
} says the man. "What a droll name" says the barman. "YEAH! Well
} he's my newt," replies the man.
} * Two nuns were driving down the road late at night so they could
} go in to a bar and be part of a joke, when all of a sudden a
} vampire jumps out in front of the car making the car brake to a
} halt. The first nun in a state of shock says to the second "Quick
} ...to drive away vampires, you must show it your cross!", to which
} the second nun winds down the window and shouts "GET OUT OF MY
} FREAKING WAY!".
} * This bloke goes in to a bar. When he sits down he notices the man
} next to him has a jelly donut on the bar that he is stabbing
} repeatedly with a tiny paper umbrella of the type that are often
} placed in icky tasting drinks as a warning to discerning folks.
} The bloke says "Excuse me sir, but is there some reason you are
} repeatedly stabbing a tiny paper umbrella into that jelly donut?"
} The other man answers: "Yes there is, I'm criminally insane".
} You owe the Oracle a beer.