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Internet Oracularities #1204

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Internet Oracularities #1204    (67 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2001 11:59:24 -0500 (EST)

@@@ Now Available at a browser near you!
@@@                    www.geocities.com/delphicresearch
@@@     Delphic Research, Inc.: An alternate mythos for the Oracle
@@@     deviously devised and instigated by a well-coordinated group
@@@     of Oracle participants.  This site contains the Oracularities
@@@     developed for their caper as well as their story behind it.

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
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in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1204
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1204  67 votes 7cjja 29tm5 75hoe 3eok6 9tl80 9erb6 7csg4 c9mg8 76kld 3axd8
1204  3.1 mean  3.2   3.3   3.5   3.2   2.4   2.9   3.0   3.0   3.4   3.2


1204-01    (7cjja dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> i have a cow.
> his name is fred.
> he goes moo.
> he gives milk.
> i love fred.
> we killed fred.
> we had fred for lunch.
> fredburgers.
> i love fred.
> he is my cow.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy took a fearsome toll on the
} regulars in alt.meat.


1204-02    (29tm5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the top 10 mistakes made by newbie gods?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ******************************************************************
}          The Top 10 Mistakes made by Newbie Gods
} ******************************************************************
}
} 10) Not having a holy text. Humans tend to think anything
}     that is written down is more important than oral tradition.
}     You've read a passage of the Bible, how much of The
}     Lay of The Turnip Lord can you recite?
}
} 09) Demanding human sacrifices. Sure nothing gives a god a
}     jolt like a BBQ, but, well it's just not done any more.
}     Newbies tend to ask for it just because they can.
}
} 08) Not having enough groupies. All preaching and no play
}     makes for a grumpy preacher.
}
} 07) Not having a money producing sideline. Be it begging,
}     selling heroin, tithes or owning a gas station you
}     need positive cash flow. Banks are notorious for
}     refusing to give loans to holy men.
}
} 06) Having an evil right hand man. Yahweh and his boy darn
}     near lost it all on this error, twice!
}
} 05) Not expanding your territory, the worse thing to do
}     is be the undisputed deity of some backwater where
}     everyone speaks some obscure language. Send out
}     those apostles, get on Letterman, stay in the Lincoln
}     bedroom... get out there and network!
}
} 04) Not greasing the palms of the local gendarmes. Nothing
}     hampers a fledgling cult more than getting raided by
}     irate cops, which is what will happen if you don't
}     cough up 'la mordia'
}
} 03) Not getting a hip celebrity to be a follower. You need
}     a pretty face the public likes to show up for you at
}     senate investigations and to attract teens.
}
} 02) Not having a violent law enforcing shadowy enforcer
}     squad. Sooner or later a schism will occur, you need
}     to be ready to squash it. Look how the 'shoe' and
}     'gourd' wars decimated the Brianist movement.
}
} 01) Not joining the Deities Union. Scabs don't get invites
}     to Mt. Olympus.


1204-03    (75hoe dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, most loyal to the crown,
>
> Why did they always say "The sun never sets on the British Empire"? If
> they had that much land, wouldn't there have always been a spot where
> the sun was setting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear, oh dear, oh dear -- the misconceptions I have to clear up. Look,
} supplicant, for a start they didn't *always* say it because that would
} have made for incredibly dull conversation even by British standards,
} wouldn't it? Imagine something along the lines of:
}
}   Aubrey fforbes-ffortescue: I say, old fruit, did you know the sun
}           never sets on the British Empire?
}
}   Major Pelham "Pongo" Grytpype-Thynne: As a matter of fact, you jolly
}           old freshly-picked kumquat, I did know the sun never sets on
}           the British Empire.
}
}   Aubrey: You already knew the sun never sets on the British Empire?
}           Well dash it, old sticky elderberry cordial, I wish you'd
}           warned me that you knew the sun never sets on the British
}           Empire. Then I wouldn't have wasted your time telling you the
}           sun never sets on the British Empire, don't you know.
}
}   Pongo:  Ah but then, my dear old jar of Robinson's chunky marmalade,
}           what would we have had to talk about?
}
} What's more, you didn't even get the quote right. Here's what they
} really said:
}
}   Aubrey: Foul, ref!
}
}   Pongo:  Good god, man, are you blind? That was clearly a penalty!
}
}   Aubrey: Oh, will you look at that! He's just waving play on.
}
}   Pongo:  These foreign umpires -- they're simply not up to scratch.
}
}   Aubrey: It's no wonder. How can he expect to keep a close eye on the
}           game with that boy sitting on his shoulders like that?
}
}   Pongo:  It's his son, apparently.
}
}   Aubrey: Is it, by George? Well, you wouldn't see an umpire back home
}           doing that.
}
}   Pongo:  No indeed. The son never s--
}
} H.M. CUSTOMS NOTICE: THIS ORACULARITY HAS BEEN DISCONTINUED UNDER THE
} TERMS OF THE TRANSATLANTIC CHRONIC PUN LIMITATION AGREEMENT.


1204-04    (3eok6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who roams the matrix with impunity, please answer my
> question.
>
> What would happen if you gave an AI program a cup of coffee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [interrupt processing]
} <<<a><cup>><of><coffee>>
} [raise right hand/to height of cup]
} [track forwards/towards cup]
} lower right hand/just below saucer]
} [track forwards/fingers below cup]
} {human/thinks I am holding cup}
} [hold right hand stationary/while edge of saucer pivots around fingers]
} {human/ hot coffee on front}
} {human/runs off}
} {outcome/satisfactory}
} [lower hand]
} [resume processing]


1204-05    (9tl80 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I appreciate your service which is very useful to many peolpe like me.
>
> I have a problem with bandwidth managment. We are running an ISP, and
> we want to have total control on our bandwidth, that is we want to
> control the downloading as well as the uploading bandwidth given to the
> Clients. we have control over the total bandwidth given to the client
> at the distribution routers, but we don't have control on specifically
> upload or download bandwidth.  So we like to have your suggestions
> regarding this.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Many thanks for contacting Oracle Helpline (Delphi). Here at Oracle
} Helpline (Delphi), our credo is to assist our customers as best as we
} can and to accomplish this we have a team of very experienced technical
} engineers supervised by Zadoc Enterprises (Cellar). We also have the
} most advanced hardware and software. In particular we are very proud
} to have a network of the latest HP machines powered by the fastest
} Intel processors money can buy. At the moment we are using Windows
} NT, but our plan is to move seamlessly to ^$%^%$M-#M-#$ which is
} M-#$^%$%%^%:}{({_}{+}{}}{  dhdbn ^G^H^T *^*%& even better because
} :<@@}%$($M-#%&:~@{}@><>M-,$%_+$:@}{>?//disk not found&*$%$%&:@%{^$^$(
} $%M-#$~@:@@..connection lost %$M-#%&@~:{{}}}


1204-06    (9erb6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most enlivened and robust, you are like a crazed hare
> of impeccable knowledge bouncing about the barren wasteland of
> dull human ignorance,
>
> Is the America's time in the spotlight really over?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They've had election spills
} And office thrills
} And wars of every kind across
} The borders of the lands that they want to have with lots o' fuss.
} There's funding problems,
} Income tax,
} And racial hatred on the streets;
} With homeless boundful,
} Politicians proudful,
} And scientists creating treats.
}
} There's stars galore
} And lots of gore
} For those of them that care for that.
} There's shows of jokes
} And for common folk
} There's lots of channels for all crap.
} Computers spawned
} And workers pawned in the name of stock,
} People placed between a hard place and a rock.
}
} If not for them the focus would turn
} Upon the other countries here,
} Like Pakistan or Germany or maybe even Zaire.
} But like or not the spotlight's not for us,
} For they created it and kept it on
} Though it's caused a big ol' muss.
}
} If you want to become part of the mess
}   and subject yourself to pain and such,
} Just move there and soon you'll live in the heart of thus.
} Don't blame us, just go away,
} And soon you'll wish for breathing room,
} For America's obsession with themselves
} Will surely spell their own doom.
}
} You owe the Oracle a slight adjustment to Gilbert & Sullivan's "Modern
} Major General" to make this actually scan.  Oh, and a ticket out of
} Indiana, right quick.


1204-07    (7csg4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For the Oracle is like a Sun and Blue Shield; the Oracle shares his
> flavors and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose
> intent is true! Bow before the Oracle, least vain of the Deities!
>
> What will the new Disney Park in Egypt be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicating Mouseketeer Wannabe
}
} The question is more like, what will the new Egypt theme in
} Disneyland be like?
}
} The pyramids serve as a gateway into the section of the
} park. Playful mummies mug for the tourist cameras and merchandise from
} Disney's Broadway play Aida is sold. In the back of the pavilion is a
} crumbling recreation of the sphinx. Inside it there's a ride there
} called THE EYE OF HORUS.
}
} You stand in line to board your vehicle and as you start out you find
} you're on a rather dry museum tour of Ancient Egypt when all of the
} sudden there's an Earthquake and one of the old tombs opens up. A
} mummified Pharaoh stumbles towards you. Terrified and immobile you
} don't know what to do. Suddenly a mosaic of the sphinx on the wall to
} your left comes alive. The Sphinx seems to pop out of the wall and a
} small cave appears. "Hurry, this way," says the Sphinx. Your car turns
} away from the mummy and plunges into darkness down a steep decline and
} splashes into the waters of the Nile. You are now in the time of the
} Kings. The Sphinx shows up again only this time as a real animal not a
} mosaic and guides you through the rest of your journey. It seems an
} evil god Set has killed Horus' father Osiris and wounded Horus himself.
} Now you must help him find his father's remains and defeat the evil
} Set.
}
} You exit into a gift shop, which you would gladly browse if you weren't
} so anxious to get to 10 PLAGUES. This 3-D and effects show is about the
} Hebrews exodus from Egypt and you are quite impressed. The show is
} amazing and you weren't expecting the entire theater to be transformed
} into the Red Sea for the finale. You stop at the souvenir shop next
} door called TUT UNCOMMON to buy a couple postcards and a 10 PLAGUES
} T-shirt before continuing on to the large pyramid at the entrance to
} the pavilion.
}
} Housed inside the pyramid is a real museum of Ancient Egyptian
} artifacts, which you actually explore and spend a surprising amount of
} time in before you remember which land comes next. On your way out two
} more things attract your stomach's attention. The wild and rocking
} CROCODILOPOLIS features loud music and strange Egyptian food while the
} quieter ROSETTA STONE'S LUNCH STOP features a somewhat tamer menu. Both
} of them sound good and your stomach growls. And your hard-earned cash
} suddenly transpires out of your wallet...


1204-08    (c9mg8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SECRET WOODCHUCK MAN
>
> Words and music by U. T. Oracle
> Performed by Johnny Slivers
> from the TV series "Secret Woodchuck Man" starring Patrick McMarmot
> ______________________________
> There's a chuck who lives a life of danger
> The nightmare of every forest ranger
> Don't tell him that he's cute
> If you do your life is moot
> Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow
>
> Secret Woodchuck Man!
> Secret Woodchuck Man!
> Give him all your lumber
> 'Cause chuckin' is his game...
>
> Alone he waddles through the forest silence
> Twenty pounds of wild rodentine violence
> With cheek pouches made of steel
> He's makin' you his next meal
> And odds are you won't live to see tomorrow!
>
> Secret Woodchuck Man!
> Secret Woodchuck Man!
> Give him all your lumber
> 'Cause chuckin' is his game...
>
> Don't ask him where he's from or where he's goin'
> Or how long will the winter winds be blowin'
> Or the chuckin' that he could
> Do if a woodchuck could chuck wood
> 'Cause odds are you won't live to see tomorrow!
>
> Secret Woodchuck Man!
> Secret Woodchuck Man!
> Give him all your lumber
> 'Cause chuckin' is his game...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE HURL IS NOT ENOUGH
}
} Words and music by TIO (with help from Garbage)
} From the 007 movie.
} __________________________
}
} I know how to hurl
} I know how to mill
} I know what to throw
} And what to propel
}
} I know when to chew
} And I know when to munch
} No one ever died from chucking too much
}
} The hurl is not enough
} But it is such a perfect way to start, my love
} And if you're strong enough
} Together we can chuck the wood afar, my love.
}
} Rodents like us
} Know how to belong
} There's no point in living
} If you can't feel the log
}
} We know when to kiss
} And we know when to throw
} We have to toss it all
} Yes, underhand, no?
}
} The hurl is not enough
} But it is such a perfect way to start, my love
} And if you're strong enough
} Together we can chuck the wood afar, my love.
}
} I - I throw ricks
} I - I throw embers
} I - I throw chords
} I - And fallen timbers
}
} The hurl is not enough
} But it is such a perfect way to start, my love
} And if you're strong enough
} Together we can chuck the wood afar, my love.
}
} The hurl is not enough
} The hurl is not enough


1204-09    (76kld dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, great, hopefully smarter than i am, and endowed
> with a good musical taste, What is the point of boy bands?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ohmigod, I like totally cannot believe that you are even asking that,
} okay, because I was, you know, walking down the street the other day
} and I saw this guy who looked just like Justin from N'Sync and I'm
} like "ohmigod, it's Justin from N'Sync" and I'm all like following him
} for blocks and everything but of course it wasn't really him because
} when he got to like, his house, I guess, he like turned around and
} totally spazzed on me for following him and he was like really creepy
} and yelling and everything and I was like "well excuse me because
} Justin from N'Sync is way cuter than you are" and so I just totally
} bailed, you know, and I was like bumming all the way back and it
} was just like that song they do where Justin is all upset because
} this stupid girl is like totally dissing him only it was me who was
} getting dissed and I started to cry a little because I would never
} treat Justin like that, and then I realized it was all okay because
} I think AJ from the Backstreet Boys is cuter anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle gratitude for the fact that boy bands provide an
} outlet other than this one for the creative fantasies of millions of
} teenage girls. Totally.


1204-10    (3axd8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, please tell me why it is that after I've found enough
> inner peace to actually do some work on my final papers, I suddenly
> fall in love with the most beautifull girl on the world ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The university has it in for you.
}
} Think about it.  Here you are, trapped in the droll and drudgery of
} everyday school life, and what do the institutions get out of it?  You,
} sitting there, basically nothing more than a siphon from your parents
} to the headmaster for a lot of hard-earned cash.
}
} So, understandably, the longer you stay, the longer the school of
} choice can drain your parents of every measly cent.  Some lure you with
} the idea of getting your master's degree (at least a six-year stint,
} and even that barely covers it), others warp you into mirror images of
} themselves, thus perpetuating the conspiracy onto the next generation.
} But there are those few ... those few who refuse to be sucked in, who
} just want to get in, get out, and get on with life.
}
} That's when they hire the beauties.
}
} The beauties are nothing more than sirens, plain and simple.  They woo
} you into a false sense of security, tease and tantalize your every
} sense of desire, and basically make you fall so far back on your work
} that you have no option but to start over next semester - - and pay out
} loads of cash for the privilege.  As soon as your parents have been
} sucked dry of every dime, -that- is when, mysteriously, your skirt will
} flit to the next unwary pre-graduate.
}
} There's nothing you can really do.  Even now, you're disregarding this
} message, dismissing it as nothing more than the ravings of a deranged
} immortal.  That's okay.  In time, you too will learn.
}
} You owe the Oracle your life savings -before- you have children.


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