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Internet Oracularities #1205

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1205, 1205-01, 1205-02, 1205-03, 1205-04, 1205-05, 1205-06, 1205-07, 1205-08, 1205-09, 1205-10


Internet Oracularities #1205    (65 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 8 Feb 2001 09:36:42 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1205
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1205  65 votes 49tk3 7alm5 ejhc3 2ckm9 dpj71 dkj76 3clo5 9jm87 4asj4 3bmja
1205  3.0 mean  3.1   3.1   2.6   3.4   2.4   2.6   3.2   2.8   3.1   3.3


1205-01    (49tk3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who rocks even more than that moment in "Won't Get Fooled
> Again" where Keith Moon brings the boys out of the synthesizer break
> with this incredible drum riff BOMP DA BOMP BOMP BOMP BAM BAM BAM BAM
> BAM! and then Roger Daltrey reaches way down and screams
> "YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"....
>
> Which is worse -- to experience a national disaster, as India did, or
> to elect one, as the United States did?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To create one. Like they did in Russia.
}
} You owe the Internet Oracle tickets to the June 1967 Who gig at that
} cute pub in Camden, and a better way to fix up Chernobyl than just
} burying it under layers of concrete.


1205-02    (7alm5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, sucker!
>
> I got your tribute RIGHT HERE!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I was hoping for something much, much larger.
}
} Ta-ta,
} Auntie Ori


1205-03    (ejhc3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, fluffy soft, do tell:
>
> What could we expect of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Babylon 5: The Musical"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you can expect a certain amount of review for those people who
} aren't familiar with the TV show, especially since this one's designed
} to be the first of a series. Here's the program:
}
} Intro (I'm not sure of myself) - Commander Sinclair
} Telepaths, ho! - Psi-Corps
} Like our Minbari bone crests? - Grey Council
} Our empire is fading; it must be the hair! - Centauri General
} We have an aggressive expansionist policy. - Narn Warrior
} Why do I have to use this encoHeadr suit? - Vorlon Boy
} Can't we all just get along? - Company
}
} Intermission
}
} I really don't know what's going on. - Commander Sinclair
} Why can't I have a cool name like Xenia Onatop? - Lt. Commander Susan
}   Ivanova
} Wait, wait, don't tell me. - Talia Winters
} Check out my do! (hairstyle reprise) - Ambassador Londo Mollari
} Don't grab that, Commander. - Ambassador Delenn
} Sometimes I don't like being the antagonist. - Ambassador G'Kar
} De do do do, de da da da - Ambassador Kosh Naranek
} What also floats in water? - Sir Not Appearing In This Musical
} Can't we all just get along (reprise) - Company
}
} Fin


1205-04    (2ckm9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@suespammers.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most high Oracle,
>
> As you, of course, know, I am a Canadian. I was just wondering, is
> there such a thing as an American who actually knows something about
> America's biggest trading partner/neighbor to the north?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You betcha!
} Most of us Americans know a great deal about Mexico.
}
} What do you want to know?


1205-05    (dpj71 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> Is Dick Morant really dead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Old actors never die, they just get left on the cutting-room floor.


1205-06    (dkj76 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fight!  Fight!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle looks up from the question on the screen. The non-
} question made no sense. Unless. . .
}
} [ Cut to view of the Oracle boarding a plane in Istanbul. Cut
}   to view of the Oracle riding a mule past the Parthenon. Cut
}   to a view of the Oracle buying a lotto ticket from a small
}   boy near the Sierra Madre's. Cut to a view of the Oracle
}   boarding a small private jet in Detroit. Cut to a view of
}   the Oracle standing at a sleazy bar asking a man with a
}   bird cage on his head a question: ]
}
} So tell me Mr. Birdcage head. Where is the Oracle!???
}
} this is a test, right?
}
} No, it is not a test. Where is the Oracle?
}
} sir, no need for such a test.
}
} No, it is not a test, just answer me. I need to talk with
} the Oracle.
}
} you can trust me sir, you can trust all of us. no need for
} this really...
}
} WHERE IS HE DAMN IT?!
}
} sir. . . you are the oracle.
}
} [ dramatic music ]
}
} i hope i didn't fail a test sir.
}
} { It all was clear now. How could I have not seen? I -was- the
}   Oracle, of course. Everywhere I went I had seemed to always
}   be two steps behind him, one digest too late, one tellme away.
}   It all made sense now, it a stomach churning, clammy skinned
}   frightening way. The premonitions of the scores, the Deja
}   Vu disgestions, the tributes that asked for just -those-
}   things, the dreams of Lisa...!!! Lisa! ]
}
} <ring><ring>    <ring><ring>    <ring><rin...
}
} Yes?
}
} Lisa, it's me. Did we ever...do it?
}
} What?
}
} You heard me, did you and I ever, well, do it?
}
} What is wrong with you? Is my widdle Orrie horny?
}
} <click>
}
}  { I hung up and noticed I was wet with sweat. I was the
}    Oracle. I was the one who answered the questions! How
}    then could so many answers have angered me? How then
}    could I... oh my, no. I can't be, no, No. I must
}    be a supplicant too. Maybe even The Supplicant. }
}
} [ Outside fog rolls in, a jet screams overhead, a dog
}   barks, flashing lights, drops of thick red fluid splash
}   on tea-bags floating in a sea of IKEA jetsam and beer. ]
}
} { I had to turn myself in? But to whom? Steve. Steve
}   himself. Surely he'd believe me. Unless... }
}
} [ A bellhop walks up and hands me a note. A note to
}   Mr. Kinzler. I stare at it. Another bellhop another
}   note, this one to B1Ff. Another bellhop, another note,
}   this one to Og... voices on the Public Address system
}   "Telegram for Supplicant 'F', telegram for 'Darkmage',
}   phone call for Mr. Joel Furr, table ready for the
}   W..dch..k party, all queue dra..." ]
}
} NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!
}
} [ fade to Black ]


1205-07    (3clo5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most understandable and enigmatic,
>
> Why don't humans put huge mirrors in the sky to reflect sunlight
> on to the night-time side of the Earth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top Ten Reasons Not to Put Huge Mirrors in Space to Reflect Sunlight
} Onto the Night-Side of Earth:
}
} (whew)
}
} 10)  I can't even sleep when a light in the next room is on; now you
} want me to sleep when it looks like daytime?
}
} 09) Knowing NASA and other space organizations, they'll probably
} get the configuration of the mirror wrong and turn it into a laser.
} Whoops, there goes Russia.  And China.  And Japan.  And the oceans.
} Hey, how do you turn this thing off?
}
} 08) Two words for you: "global warming."
}
} 07) This kinda makes the whole "God separating night and day"
} pointless, doesn't it?
}
} 06) Earth would become far too much like Ursa Minor Beta; all the
} locations around the world would be perpetually timed to mid-Saturday
} evening just before the bars close.
}
} 05) Electricity companies would go out of business.  Oh, wait, you
} wanted -bad- results, didn't you?
}
} 04) The gradual boiling away of the oceans would put a damper on any
} sort of vacation you might decide to take, not to mention that the
} extra cloud cover would eliminate any possible benefits.
}
} 03) Since it's always daytime, workplaces no longer have to adhere
} to the age-old "come in during the light hours."  People would start
} working at all hours to cover the new twenty-four-hour consumer base.
}
} 02) The vampires would have nowhere to hide.
}
} And the Number One Reason Not to Put Huge Mirrors in Space to Reflect
} Sunlight Onto the Night-Side of Earth:
}
} 01) It would only encourage the insomniacs.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sleeping mask and a work shift that starts at
} three in the morning.


1205-08    (9jm87 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In the queue again
> Just can't wait to get in the queue again
> The life I love is makin' in-jokes with my friends
> And I can't wait to get in the queue again
> Askin' questions that I've never asked
> Seein' answers I may never see again
> And I can't wait to get in the queue again...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ans'rin you again
} Can't believe I'm ans'rin you again
} You'd think that world-rule would keep me consumed, my friend
} But somehow I'm here ans'rin you again
} Extracting payments 'til I'm blue again
} No matter what I say you cannot sue, so then...
} I'll be back here ans'rin you again
}
} You owe the Oracle $1 million in back taxes....


1205-09    (4asj4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't I get my answers faster from you?  You are the slowest Oracle
> I know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Zadoc steps in front of the camera looking very uncomfortable
}   in a shiny dark blue suit. His hair has been streaked blonde.
}   He is standing in front of a huge map of the world, at least
}   it looks like the world would look if the world was wrapped
}   in glowing lime green, bright orange, and pulsating pink
}   wires going every which way. Zadoc has a pointer in one hand
}   and some kind of small electronic box in the other hand.]
}
} Zadoc: Today's Queue Report is brought to you by Weird
}        Magazine, today's computer news tomorrow.
}
} Voice off camera: No, no, WIRED.
}
} [ Zadoc peers at cue card off screen and shrugs. ]
}
} Zadoc: We are still in the midst of a cliche storm,
}        flurries of tired non-questions culled from
}        old digests will continue into the middle of
}        next week, at times accompanied by downpours
}        of commercial jingles and odd sequences of
}        ASCII characters.
}
} [ Zadoc pushes a button on the box in his hand, bringing
}   up the next slide, a picture of Zadoc as a baby on
}   a zebra skin rug. ]
}
} Zadoc: As you can see here relief is on the way as the
}        September Front dies off...
}
} Voice off Camera: Wrong slide!
}
} [ Zadoc turns, glances at the huge screen behind him and
}   gives a start. He clicks at the box furiously bringing
}   up in rapid sequence a picture of Og beating a micro-
}   wave with a spiky stick, Lisa asleep on a couch, some
}   priests standing by a keg with full steins, and then
}   a chart of some sort covered with meaningless ASCII
}   characters. ]
}
} Zadoc: Oops, staff party pics. Anyway, we see some
}        good inquires on the horizon. Poignant insights
}        and amusing dialogues are expected any day now.
}        In the meantime keep those shovels handy. And
}        dress swarmly.
}
} [ Screen behind Zadoc changes to a close up of a box
}   of JELLO. ]
}
} Zadoc: This has been the Queue Report brought to you
}        by Hello.
}
} Voice: JELLO!
}
} Zadoc: Yes, no...erm JEllO!
}
} [ Fade to black ]


1205-10    (3bmja dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I log on to the IntercourseNet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First you need to find a service provider.  These vary in availability,
} equipment and services provided, and the demands to be made upon you.
} New start-ups may appear to be more interesting for a while, but may
} not be reliable in the long run.
}
} Before attempting to log on you need a password.  This is a word or
} words which will act to turn things on.  Passwords may be identified
} by talking to your service provider.  You should carefully note the
} password when you have identified it.
}
} Positioning yourself in front of the equipment, which should be
} arranged for the IntercourseNet, insert your identity and then use
} the passwords.  You should then be logged on and can enjoy the
} experience of browsing and exploring new territory.
}
} When you have finished, do not forget to log out.  You may have left
} traces of your visit behind in some places, but do not worry, these
} will be processed after logging out or, in some cases be rejected.


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