} In the remote mountain regions of Tibet, there exists a temple so old
} that it has only 5 or 6 mortgage payments to go. It is run by master
} Fong Ho Ni, a venerable master of the art of Spanku. In order to gain
} entrance into the study vinyl doors, you must travel to Tamalung on the
} Tiagnag river. There, you will meet an tall dark str... hold on, wrong
} page. There you will meet an Arabic man name Tel'Efohn who, for the
} price of only a few Yuan, will place a call for you to Chow Yo Tung,
} the local yak handler. Buy one white yak from Mr. Tung. Ride the yak
} to the Yeti National Park and Laundromat, and ask the little girl there
} for some sacred coins. She will ask for the white yak in exchange, but
} do not give it to her. Her mother warned us that she is not allowed to
} have any more yaks until she can show that she is able to take care of
} the ones she has.
} Yaks are not a plaything and need responsible children to... wait, I am
} getting carried away. She will give you a few coins anyway if you just
} let her comb it and put bows in its hair while you are away. Travel by
} foot up the Sacred Crow Mountain until you come to a small garden.
} Tend to the garden, because we've been meaning to but the "tellme"
} queue has been quite heavy lately. We'd like the edges trimmed, and if
} you could put those flower pots back in the shed and re-coil the hose,
} we'd appreciate it. From there, you will find a small cave marked,
} "Fuel," which does not actually contain fuel, but we couldn't think of
} a name for the cave, and Lisa found this antique sign at a garage sale.
} In the cave, you will find a jade statue of the sacred Buddha. Oh,
} wait, really? That's where I left it! All this time, I blamed Zadoc
} and his stupid inventory system. Hey, could you do me a favor? Could
} you pack it up and mail it to our warehouse in Baltimore? I'd send one
} of the other supplicants to get it, but they don't... oh, right,
} right... Spanku. Where was I? Oh yes, the cave of Fuel. Uh... take
} one of the sacred coins, and place it in the acrylic box, and feel free
} to take a mint. Now, onto the Temple of Fong Ho Ni! The cave has a
} passageway that curves down sharply. Go down the stairs, and if the
} light is still on, could you turn it off? I may have left in on when I
} was there last week. You will exit to the center of the mountain,
} which is hollow, and contains the temple of Fong Ho Ni. Lesse... yadda
} yadda, hop across the log bridge... yeah yeah... kneel at the sacred
} vessel... I think we can skip the parts about the fire traps. Okay,
} now you're in the temple! Oh, wait, did I mention the golden serpent?
} Yes, you should have the golden serpent back where you... oh, man, this
} will take ages to explain. I am sure you could spray paint a rubber
} snake, that will be fine. Insert the serpent's head into the lock, but
} beware of the poison spikes! They're... well, poisonous. Don't touch
} them. Enter the main hall, and there, before you, will be the Great
} Master Fong Ho Ni... unless it's bridge night, then his nephew will be
} there. There, he will laugh at you, because you have not only wasted
} time arriving there, but the very fact that you actually read this far
} shows that you are gullible, stupid, and at least 10-20 pounds
} Oracle strikes at Supplicant's ego like Ninja! Boot to the head!
} You owe the Oracle a complete essay describing what that funny little
} buzzing noise your car has been making is.