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Internet Oracularities #1206

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1206, 1206-01, 1206-02, 1206-03, 1206-04, 1206-05, 1206-06, 1206-07, 1206-08, 1206-09, 1206-10


Internet Oracularities #1206    (70 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 13 Feb 2001 09:53:35 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1206
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1206  70 votes 5bfof 8nmf2 bbx78 4osc2 6dmm7 3ewh4 5gjm8 5knk2 7gtd5 3fpi9
1206  3.0 mean  3.5   2.7   2.9   2.8   3.2   3.1   3.2   2.9   2.9   3.2


1206-01    (5bfof dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Blessed Oracle, you are the answer to my atheist prayers!
> Please tell me how to overcome my fears of adequacy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the remote mountain regions of Tibet, there exists a temple so old
} that it has only 5 or 6 mortgage payments to go.  It is run by master
} Fong Ho Ni, a venerable master of the art of Spanku.  In order to gain
} entrance into the study vinyl doors, you must travel to Tamalung on the
} Tiagnag river.  There, you will meet an tall dark str... hold on, wrong
} page. There you will meet an Arabic man name Tel'Efohn who, for the
} price of only a few Yuan, will place a call for you to Chow Yo Tung,
} the local yak handler.  Buy one white yak from Mr. Tung.  Ride the yak
} to the Yeti National Park and Laundromat, and ask the little girl there
} for some sacred coins.  She will ask for the white yak in exchange, but
} do not give it to her.  Her mother warned us that she is not allowed to
} have any more yaks until she can show that she is able to take care of
} the ones she has.
}  Yaks are not a plaything and need responsible children to... wait, I am
} getting carried away.  She will give you a few coins anyway if you just
} let her comb it and put bows in its hair while you are away.  Travel by
} foot up the Sacred Crow Mountain until you come to a small garden.
} Tend to the garden, because we've been meaning to but the "tellme"
} queue has been quite heavy lately.  We'd like the edges trimmed, and if
} you could put those flower pots back in the shed and re-coil the hose,
} we'd appreciate it.  From there, you will find a small cave marked,
} "Fuel," which does not actually contain fuel, but we couldn't think of
} a name for the cave, and Lisa found this antique sign at a garage sale.
}  In the cave, you will find a jade statue of the sacred Buddha.  Oh,
} wait, really? That's where I left it!  All this time, I blamed Zadoc
} and his stupid inventory system.  Hey, could you do me a favor?  Could
} you pack it up and mail it to our warehouse in Baltimore?  I'd send one
} of the other supplicants to get it, but they don't... oh, right,
} right... Spanku. Where was I?  Oh yes, the cave of Fuel.  Uh... take
} one of the sacred coins, and place it in the acrylic box, and feel free
} to take a mint. Now, onto the Temple of Fong Ho Ni!  The cave has a
} passageway that curves down sharply.  Go down the stairs, and if the
} light is still on, could you turn it off?  I may have left in on when I
} was there last week.  You will exit to the center of the mountain,
} which is hollow, and contains the temple of Fong Ho Ni.  Lesse... yadda
} yadda, hop across the log bridge... yeah yeah... kneel at the sacred
} vessel... I think we can skip the parts about the fire traps.  Okay,
} now you're in the temple!  Oh, wait, did I mention the golden serpent?
} Yes, you should have the golden serpent back where you... oh, man, this
} will take ages to explain.  I am sure you could spray paint a rubber
} snake, that will be fine.  Insert the serpent's head into the lock, but
} beware of the poison spikes!  They're... well, poisonous.  Don't touch
} them.  Enter the main hall, and there, before you, will be the Great
} Master Fong Ho Ni... unless it's bridge night, then his nephew will be
} there.  There, he will laugh at you, because you have not only wasted
} time arriving there, but the very fact that you actually read this far
} shows that you are gullible, stupid, and at least 10-20 pounds
} overweight.
}
}   Oracle strikes at Supplicant's ego like Ninja!  Boot to the head!
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete essay describing what that funny little
} buzzing noise your car has been making is.


1206-02    (8nmf2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@suespammers.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What the blankness means to me
} Is that the question needs to be.
} Whether 'tis forgotten or just not said
} Doesn't matter; it's not read.
} Is this ponderance far too deep
} To risk a reading by the meek?
} Or, perhaps, a clever ruse
} From the querant and his muse?
} A one-line poem?
} An endless song?
} Worthy of an answer three miles long?
}
} Is or isn't, blank or not,
} I just can't let this one rot.
} I've got to answer, got to try,
} Have to figure out the how and why.
} Perhaps it's a puzzle meant to keep
} So I've got to look before I leap.
} Or maybe a conspiracy, dire and dark,
} To keep me occupied whilst they find the mark!
}
} Of course!  I'm a fool!  I must make haste!
} I've got to rush 'fore it's too late!
} Run to the queue for my very life!
} The questions must be protected, or else strife!
} Send out those askmes, bring in the tells!
} No one takes the ... hell's bells!
} I'm too late; the queries are gone.
} Nothing but blankness left for the throngs
} Of incarnations that were more than up to the task
} And have received the message, "No questions to ask."
}
} It wasn't a warning, it wasn't a fluke;
} It wasn't a threat from a CIA spook.
} It was a message, just that, clear as day,
} Telling me, simply, that things fall this way.
} The tables have turned, things all reversed,
} Now I'm to get on my knees and mutter a curse.
} Oh great and mighty Oracle, we beg and we pray
} Please send us more questions so that we might say:
}
} You owe the Oracle some more meter.  I seem to have run out.


1206-03    (bbx78 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's that most... wonderful time of the yeeear!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the most wonderful time of the year!
} When the cards have pink borders
} And florists have orders piled up to the ear...
} It's the most wonderful time of the year!
}
}  There'll be portraits of Cupid
}  With ill-scanning, stupid,
}  Insipid rhymed couplets to post.
}  There'll be parties and mixers
}  And well-meaning fixers-
}  Up (often the host)!
}
} It's the most wonderful time of the year!
} When you blow all your cash
} Buying nougaty trash from the chocolatier...
} It's the most wonderful time of the year!


1206-04    (4osc2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Color-coordinated Oracle, Ye who goes well with anything and
> has a color-wheel on his Harley,
>
> What does one's choice in painkillers tell us about a person?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Drug               Patient
} -----------        ------------------------
} Morphine           Wimp
} Vicodin            Junkie
} Aleve              Taking too many pills
} Nitrous oxide      Works for a dentist
} Indomethacin       Has gout
} Tylenol            Boring
} Tylenol/codeine    Boring junkie
} Placebo            Gullible
} Ibuprofen          Thinks he's an athlete
} Aspirin            Cheapskate
}
} You owe the Oracle a rush of endorphins.


1206-05    (6dmm7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Graceful supplicants and geeks too bright
>     Should twice a day the Oracle praise resound,
>     While their boot clad feet bound so tight,
>     In MTV measure three times beat the ground.
>     I can't relish the Oracle more!
>
>     How can I get more people interested in you,
>     the great and wonderful Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I tell ya babe, it's all about image.
}
}       I don't know. Look I hired you to try to get me a bit more of
}       an audience, and I appreciate all the work you've done, but I
}       just can't help to think that all this isn't really "me".
}
} Orrie, baby, sweetheart. I've been making folks over for years.
} All the big names come to me. You think Jerry Mathers, Dawn
} Welles, and Chris Cross would be where they are today without
} me? Of course not! But before I work miracles, I gotta have trust,
} babe.
}
}       I guess. Can we go over all this again?
}
} Sure thing, sweetheart. First, we've got the Calendar.
}
}       I can't believe you talked me into doing this. I'm not sure
}       that it's the "All Knowing" image I wanted to project.
}
} Bubbula, it's showing your playful, fun loving self, besides,
} you're *the* topic on Leno, Letterman and Koppel.
}
}       As their monologue. It was the first time that Koppel even
}       did a monologue.
}
} Sweetheart, it's name! They're giving you name! Then there was
} the talk show you did.
}
}       Ooh, yeah, that didn't go well at all.
}
} The public loved it babe! You got huge ratings!
}
}       I reduced half of the panel to ash.
}
} And trust me babe, when the court cases start hitting the wire,
} you'll be bigger than O. J. And of course, we've got the
} infomercial.
}
}       Oh. Yeah. My "infomercial".
}
} Bubbie, you're still not upset that I got George Foreman to be
} in those with you?
}
}       No, I can understand why you picked him though, those were
}       his infomercial. I had, what, six lines in the whole thing?
}       And most of them were saying how wonderful his grill is.
}
} And you were fan-tastic! I told you, it's all about exposure!
}
}       I thought you said it was all about image.
}
} Eh, exposure, image, it's all the same thing. Now, let's talk about
} doing that mall tour.
}
}       Uhm, Richard?
}
} Dick, baby, call me Dick.
}
}       Oh, frequently. I don't think that this is quite working out.
}       I think that I should stick with my quiet little terminal at
}       the temple.
}
} Orrie! Don't chicken out now, things are just getting started!
}
}       That may be, but I think it's about time for you to start
}       dealing with my staff.
}
} You mean the priests?
}
}       No, the other one. Can you stand here for a sec? A little more
}       to the left. Perfect. Now a big smile for your maker.
}
} No problem, babe. Say, where's the cam
}
} You owe the Oracle something to get the burn marks off the floor and
} as many copies of that damn calendar as you can find.


1206-06    (3ewh4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Silly Oracle, you aren't there.  You can't be.  I just met a guy on a
> cruise ship who claimed to be your brother.  He said you were all a
> fake!  If anyone should know, it would be your own brother, right?
>
> Do you have a fake brother who is telling lies about you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
}
} Erm, young lady... what guys tell you on cruise ships, well, sometimes
} it isn't exactly true.
}
} You owe the Oracle an invite to your baby shower.


1206-07    (5gjm8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, babe, bit of a psych-junta here, help me out, wouldja?
> See, it's like this. We're making this film, but the plot
> sticks whenever the Daleks have to go upstairs. Now, when you
> make them fly or hover or whatever, it puts the spesh budget up
> about a million smackers. So, what I'm wondering is, in terms a
> dope in a suit like me can understand, what other ways are there
> fore daleks to get upstairs?
>
> Ciao, babe.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A million bucks?  For a bit of twine and a pully?
}
} I suggest you double-check the figures your prop men are giving you.
} They're probably skimming a bit off the top.  Twine shouldn't cost any
} more than a couple hundred thousand, at most.
}
} But, you want alternate ways to get upstairs.  Without any further ado,
} here's:
}
} TOP TEN WAYS DALEKS GET UPSTAIRS
}
} 10.  Use the laser to make the stairs (now rubble) into a
}        steep incline.
}
} 09.  Climb up the side of the building.  It's Spidy-Dalek!
}
} 08.  One word for you: catapult.
}
} 07.  Get a wooden plank and a stone.  Place plank on stone.
}        Place Dalek on one side of the plank (near the stairs) and
}        several people on the other side of the plank.  Use your lever
}        to move the Dalek one step at a time.  Add stop-motion
}        photography.  He moves like magic!
}
} 06.  Do a cameo on Star Trek.  Steal their transporter technology.
}
} 05.  Convince the Daleks to eliminate the ground floor.
}        Whatever was so important upstairs is now at a reachable level.
}
} 04.  Two words for you: cut scenes.
}
} 03.  Make a miniature house with miniature steps with a miniature
}        Dalek inside.  Use a small piece of string.  Shrink down your
}        human actors, if you can, to eliminate costs all around.
}
} 02.  "Daleks do not need humans to get up stairs!  You insult the
}         Daleks!  Eliminate!  E-li-min-ate!"
}
} And the Number One way Daleks get upstairs:
}
} 01. Take the elevator.
}
} You owe the Oracle a TARDIS.


1206-08    (5knk2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, you are the light of seven suns!  You know how to commit
> seven sins!  What is the best one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's find out!
}
}   =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=
}
} Sin #1: Pride
}
}         This is sin number one because Yahweh made the list and
}         as far as he was concerned the first Sin was when The
}         Prince of Light Lucifer decided he was too bright to
}         have to listen to the Old Man. Let's check on Mr. Lord
}         of the Flies...
}
} <ring-ring, ring-ring>
}
} Satan: Hello?
}
} Orrie: Hi, Bezzle my ol' Bub it is I, The Oracle.
}
} Satan: You know something, I'm getting a little tired of being
}        dragged in to your answers so often, and almost always
}        by phone (why is that?), I have things to do. I am a
}        very important and dangerous power, not some stock bad-
}        guy for you to conjure up when ever you feel the need.
}        STOP CALLING ME!
}
} <click>
}
}        That did not go well, though we did establish he's
}        a tad too proud. Let's explore another sin...
}
}   =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=
}
} Sin #2 Envy:
}
}        Not be confused with conveting, envy is the desire for
}        another's traits, situation or abilities. Hmm, isn't
}        that what education is all about? Acquiring new traits
}        and abilities to better your situation? Unless you think
}        ignorance is bliss then... wait, won't that be wanting
}        the state of bliss through the anti-abilty of ignorance?
}        Sin #2 makes little or no sense.
}
}   =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=
}
} Sin #3 Gluttony;
}
} [ Oracle glances down at his belly and then looks up sheepishly. ]
}
}        I'll tell you what is sinful is those health nuts
}        that spend all day exercising and eating bran muffins!
}        I eat like a pig and look at me! I'm immortal and all
}        knowing. Next!
}
}   =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=
}
} Sin #4 Lust:
}
}       The number one use and driving force behind the Internet's
}       breakneck expansion is pornography. Far be it from me to
}       bite the, erm, hand that feeds me. Look if Yahweh had
}       wanted people to be naked they'd be born that way, so
}       why fight it?
}
}   =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=
}
} Sin #5 Anger:
}
}        This is a sin, no two ways about it. Why in the world
}        people get so mad they want to kill people or argue is
}        nuts. Apathy is a far better way to deal with anything.
}
}   =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=
}
} Sin #6 Covetousness:
}
}        This isn't really a sin anymore. Here watch this.
}
} [ Oracle picks up a remote and clicks on the TV. A commercial
}   is playing (surprise!).]
}
} TV: You must have a turbo-powered Chuck Norris approved Florp(tm)!
}
} < foxy babes eye some guy with a Florp(tm) and wink at him
}   seducatlivly >
}
} Guy with the Florp(tm): Florps(tms) rock!
}
}   =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=
}
} Sin #7 Sloth:
}
}      Weekends are bad. Leisure time is bad! Back to work you
}      dang priests! I want that moat clean NOW!
}
}      Hmm, yes Sloth is a sin.
}
}      You call that clean! Back to work the lot of you!
}
}      This is the 'best' sin. It works for me.


1206-09    (7gtd5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise and yellow Oracle, please answer this question:
>
> Will Tom Hanks ever win a Grammy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  You don't -win- Grammies, the fact that you exist, that your
}  parents exist presupposed the existence of Grammies and
}  Grandpas, at least for the near future. Once humans get a
}  handle on DNA manipulation though all bets are off.
}
}  You owe the Oracle a bald, golden midget.


1206-10    (3fpi9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who is both a joker and the joke:
>
> How many Oracles does it take to change a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Q: How many Oracles does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: One, there is after all only one Oracle.
}
} Q: How many Priests does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: One, but when and even if s/he changes it or not are
}    dependent on arcane factors no one can fathom.
}
} Q: How many Lisas does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: Orrie, the lightbulb burned out!
}
} Q: How many Zadocs does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: Oh great Oracle, is the bulb out? I could not tell
}    for you are so bright.
}
} Q: How many Ogs does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: Small sun no shine? Og sleep now.
}
} Q: How many supplicants does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: It doesn't matter, as soon as it is changed they'll
}    resubmit a request to have it changed again.
}
} Q: How many incarnations does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: <ZOT>, you didn't grovel.
}
} Q: How many RHODents does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: You call that bulb out!? Sirrah, only lights that -we-
}    say are out are out. DRINK!
}
} Q: How many lurkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: 5 4 1 4 2  3 1 1 3 3


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