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Internet Oracularities #1207

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1207, 1207-01, 1207-02, 1207-03, 1207-04, 1207-05, 1207-06, 1207-07, 1207-08, 1207-09, 1207-10


Internet Oracularities #1207    (62 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 19 Feb 2001 14:40:46 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1207
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1207  62 votes 7dqd3 8nl82 46igi cog91 8dod4 16tn3 1bkic 4eoc8 2fnbb 5fkh5
1207  3.0 mean  2.9   2.6   3.6   2.4   2.9   3.3   3.5   3.1   3.2   3.0


1207-01    (7dqd3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most stable Oracle,
>
> What ever happened to Jack and Jill?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, the usual:
}
} Jill was pregnant by the time they got to the bottom of the hill.  Jack
} "did the right thing" and married her.  In the next couple of years
} they had two more kids before the divorce.
}
} Jill is now head of marketing at one of those Dot-COMs in Silicon
} Valley.  She's now so rich she could care less that she's lost $500,000
} in her stock options in the last six months.
}
} Two of the kids are in college (Harvard and MIT) and the other one
} spends his days on the same hill where Jack and Jill first met.  It
} isn't exactly the same story though since "John and Gilbert" won't have
} exactly the same ring to it that "Jack and Jill" did.
}
} Jack?  Blonds and a Porsche . . . what can I say.  Things are going to
} take a turn for the worse for Jack soon though.  Unbeknownst to Jack,
} his current blond is only 16 and "Mother" has found out.  The District
} Attorney will be paying Jack a visit soon and he'll be doing time in
} about 18 months.
}
} You owe the Oracle a happier ending to his own life.


1207-02    (8nl82 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> The news just reported that NASA's Near Earth Asteroid Rendezvous team
> have decided to leave their probe on the asteroid Eros instead of
> trying to have it take off again. The article on CNN quotes a NEAR
> scientist as explaining, "We have no fuel on board, plus or minus 8
> kilograms."
>
> I'm intrigued by the error range he gives, but it seems to violate
> certain laws of physics. But then, I'm no rocket scientist. You, on the
> other hand, are rocketry incarnate. Can you enlighten me?
>
> Thanks,
> yr hmbl spplcnt

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is simple.
}
} In space, nobody can here you say "we're out of gas" when you're on a
} remote asteroid.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gas can and 5 gallons of 92 octane.


1207-03    (46igi dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK, here you are:
>                                       ._
>                                     ,(  `-.
>                                   ,': `.   `.
>                                 ,` *   `-.   \
>                               ,'  ` :+  = `.  `.
>                             ,~  (o):  .,   `.  `.
>                           ,'  ; :   ,(__) x;`.  ;
>                         ,'  :'  itz  ;  ; ; _,-'
>                       .'O ; = _' C ; ;'_,_ ;
>                     ,;  _;   ` : ;'_,-'   i'
>                   ,` `;(_)  0 ; ','       :
>                 .';6     ; ' ,-'~
>               ,' Q  ,& ;',-.'
>             ,( :` ; _,-'~  ;
>           ,~.`c _','
>         .';^_,-'
>       ,'_;-''
>      ,,~
>      i'
>      :
>
> What's the best way to get all this grease off my scanner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                        ;X%@%%%%%XX%%%%%,
}                        %  @           .%/
}                        $+/H             =X,
}                         .:@M@X,           %;
}                           $ :H$+           ;/
}                          ,+=%, -$     ,$%%%%%
}                          ;=$   X#@@@@@H
}                          $:;   $-.   .+
}                         +;$    $      %
}                         %X.   -+    -,X.
}                               :H@@@@H@H
}                              %/-      :/
}                              %-        $
}                              ,/        =/
}                              /-         $
}                              ::         -/
}                               %          $
}                              =/          -+
}                              ;-           %.
}                              :=           ,+
}                              +,            %.
}                             ,%             ,+
}                            ,X     ,-        %.
}                           .X. -%$%++%$$+=   ,%
}                           $.,$/.       .;$/  %,
}                          X,:%             -%+,%
}                         %-:+                -X$,
}                        -/,$                   =;
}                        $ ,.                    %
}                        $                       $
}                        $                       %
}                   ;%;, $                       $
}                   X =+$$                       %
}                  /;    $                       +
}                 /; =   $ |   |                 +.
}               ,$: $,   $ |   | *       |      +.
}            .=%%, =;    $ | | | | |-, /-| ^ \ / %  :%$%=
}        :%$$+:    =:    $ | | | | | | | ||-| X  $ %;   +:
}      .$X,         $    $  V V  | | | \_|\_ / \ $:;     $
}     =$+;          ;;   $                      .+$    ,-%-
}    +/=+            +;  %      Fresh PINE      ::%     % $-
}   $= $        ,:    ;+ ::    Scent Window     $%$     $  $,
}  $,  $--:+$: :X      -  %      Cleaner        % .    .$   X
} +-   =+;=.  ;%          %.                   ;=  --=+$.   =;
} $          /%           ,+      32 oz.       $  ,;;;,      $
} :$%%%%%$X%$@             %-                 ;/---          $
}            +$%$%/;=-.    ,$$$H@XXXXXXXXXXXX@H%+;%%%%$$%;, ,%
}                 ,-:;%%%%%%;;;:---                      -/$X.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better slice of pizza. The last one was
} a bit flat.


1207-04    (cog91 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who has seen every episode of Friends and regrets it
> heartily,
>
> What does TV news people do when they aren't telling Americans
> what opinions they should parrot at work the next day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TV news people, what an amazing bunch.  The things they do all day
} could fill a book!
}
} For example, a certain news anchor for..sshhheeee...
} *pop*...wwwhieeruiojh...beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
}
} [darkness.... interrupted by sudden, overly-loud voiceover...]
}
} ********  This Oracular Transmission Has Been   ********
} ******** Interrupted Due Technical Difficulties ********
}
} ******** We are working on the problem and ********
} ******** hope to resume transmission soon  ********
}
} ******** In the meantime, pleas enjoy this rerun of "Friends" ********
}
} Joey : And then I offered her a banana!
}
} [cannned laughter]
}
} Monica : A banana?
}
} [cannned laughter]
}
} Joey : Yes, a banana!
}
} [cannned laughter]
}
} Monica : Not an apple?
}
} [cannned laughter]
}
} Joey : No, a banana!
}
} [cannned laughter]
}
} [darkness.... interrupted again by sudden, overly-loud voiceover...]
}
} ******** Oracular Transmission Resuming ********
}
} ....and so she said, "don't give me that banana!"
}
} And that's the kind of things they do.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a better antenna.


1207-05    (8dod4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> __________________________________
> Get free, instant, reliable email from Hespo!
> Choose from a variety of domain names.
> Sign up at www.server's-down.com today!
> Also available at www.snailpace.com and
> www.exorbitantfees.com.
>
> ________________________________________________________________
> GET INTERNET ACCESS FROM JUNO!
> Juno offers FREE or PREMIUM Internet access for less!
> Join Juno today!  For your FREE software, visit:
> http://dl.www.juno.com/get/tagj.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who ordered the double helping of spam?


1207-06    (16tn3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OOraclesowisewogreatpleasetellmeandtellmefast:
>
> I have heard that the pen is mightier than the sword. They are at the
> door, so how do I use my pen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, it's three against one.  You'll have to be quick, but that's
} where the pen has such a huge advantage over the sword, so you should
} be all set.
}
} First, draw a big arrow on the floor pointing away from you, and label
} it like this:
}                           |\
}                           | \
} -------------------------+  \
} | HE WENT THATAWAY           >
} +------------------------+  /
}                           | /
}                           |/
}
} When they come in through the door, the lieutenant (who's rather
} gullible, and will believe anything) will read this and immediately go
} off in the direction the arrow points.  Now there are only two left.
}
} Next, take one of those sticky name tags and write on it:
}
} +------------+
} |   HELLO    |
} | MY NAME IS |
} |            |
} | John Smith |
} +------------+
}
} Affix it to your lapel.  The leader will read it, realize that you
} aren't the one they're after, and leave you alone.
}
} That just leaves Garg, who's none too swift, and never mastered his
} ABC's. As he raises his sword over his head for a powerful,
} decapitating stroke, simply dash up to him and ram the pen through his
} eyeball into what passes for his brain.  Problem solved.
}
} And finally, since I know your mother always had to remind you,
} remember to write a nice thank-you note to the person who helped you
} through this situation.
}
} That pen *does* have black or blue-black ink, doesn't it?


1207-07    (1bkic dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Truthful Oracle, Touchstone of Veracity and a Bleak Belt
> Beagle Scout with an Oaken Cluster,
>
> How many times do I need to check the coffee pot and
> iron before I leave for work in the morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Checking the iron and the coffee pot is very important. Otherwise they
} can burn your house down. So first you need to turn off the iron when
} you're done ironing your shirt. Once you've put the shirt on check the
} iron to make sure it is turned off (you know how that switch sticks
} sometimes and you think its off but it really isn't). then go make some
} coffee. Better check the iron again, should it still be this hot?
} Unplug it just to be sure. Is the coffee done? Good, pour a cup and
} turn off the coffee pot. Finish getting dressed and check the iron
} again to see if it has cooled down. Oops, that plug is still sitting
} there near the outlet. Better move it away. You never know, it might
} still be connected somehow and then the iron will get too hot and burn
} the house down. Drink some coffee, check to make sure the pot is off.
} You know, you'd better wrap the cord around the iron so you won't
} accidentally trip over it. Hmm, should the iron still be this warm? Its
} turned off and unplugged right? You should move it away from that pile
} of clothes. Don't want them to get too warm and catch fire and burn the
} house down. Finish getting ready for work have a bit more coffee. The
} pot turned off right? Yipe! should the coffee still be this hot? Better
} unplug the coffee maker. Rinse out the thermos and pour the rest of the
} coffee into it. Uh oh, can you put the empty carafe back on the hot
} coffee maker? That'll make it get too hot and crack won't it? Better
} set it on the counter. No! Wait! That'll scorch the counter top! Put it
} on the stove instead. The stove is turned off right? It should be, you
} didn't use it at all this morning. Better check to be sure. Ok, its
} off. Is the coffee pot unplugged? And turned off? Good, head for the
} door. You really need to check the iron one last time. Ok, its pretty
} cool now. Check the stove to make sure ALL the burners are off. Feel
} them the make sure, (because sometimes those knobs stick and you think
} they're off but they're not.) And the coffee pot is off? And unplugged?
} Better move that plug away from the outlet. Good, NOW you're ready to
} leave the house. Got your keys? Hate to see you get locked out of the
} house. In your pocket right? Yes? You sure? Better get them out just to
} be sure....
}
} You owe the Oracle a question that doesn't hit quite so close to home.


1207-08    (4eoc8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
> please forgive the lack of adequate grovel, but time is of the utmost
> importance.
>
> Today is my 15th wedding anniversary, and I have forgotten to buy a
> present, or even a card, for my wife. She will be picking me up from
> work in 15 minutes,
> and there are no suitable retailers nearby.
>
> What should I do ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Run down to the corner and buy her some junk, literally, as in heroin.
}
} Don't look so stunned. Heroin is part of the New Trendy Wedding gifts
} of the 2000s... check it out:
}
}         Wedding Gifts for the New Millennium
}
}           old                        new
} -----------------------+----------------------------------------
}  1st: paper                  rewrite prenuptial
}  2nd: cotton                 his and her boxer shorts
}  3rd: leather                Kevlar(tm)
}  4th: fruit                  marijuana
}  5th: wood                   Viagra(tm)
}  6th: iron                   microwave
}  7th: copper                 bodyguard
}  8th: rubber                 vasectomy
}  9th: pottery                potty trained cat
} 10th: tin                    trn
} 11th: steel                  security bars for windows
} 12th: silk                   velvet painting of Elvis
} 13th: lace                   mace
} 14th: ivory                  Dove(tm)
} 15th: crystal                heroin
} 20th: china                  Taiwan
} 25th: silver                 Tonto
} 30th: pearl                  perl
} 35th: jade                   plant
} 40th: rubies                 ted's
} 45th: sapphire               hell, no one's married this long
} 50th: gold                   haha, yeah right 50 years what a crock
} 55th: emerald                Oz
} 60th: diamond                drill bit
}
} You owe the Oracle something mold, something blown and
} something gnarled.


1207-09    (2fnbb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most incremental:
>
> I must admit I do take note
> As each digest gathers votes
> I like to watch the digits change
> Not caring that some find this strange.
>
> But now I'm scared, my fear is mounting
> I find myself Oracle counting
> At work, at home, in real life
> I'm confusing the kids, I'm scaring the wife!
>
> "How many eggs?" "Give me c", I say,
> and "My daughter turned h today"
> And then I lie awake and fret
> "What's after Z? Do we know yet?"
>
> I just drove J in a p zone,
> Baskin-Robbins has v flavors for a cone,
> Oh Oracle please tell me, is there any cure?
> Signed, with K thanks, I am your:
>
> Supplicant
>
> P.S. And I just realized it's getting worse
> I can only communicate in verse!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant most demential:
}
} I'll have to answer you in verse
} To stop this thing from getting worse.
}
} -- Oracle
}
} About this malady of your
} I think that I might have a cure.
} Grab yourself an ice cream cone,
} Sit down relax, get in the zone.
}
} You're not beyond salvation yet
} Don't lie awake, you needn't fret!
} I have your answer right today:
} Simply undo the things you say!
}
} Try to not concern your wife
} Simply, just take back your life.
} Start at Z, begin "un" counting,
} Count down the numbers, (excitement mounting!)
}
} Soon you'll not be quite so strange,
} It won't take long to make the change.
} And when this one comes up for vote
} You owe a 5, (take special note.)


1207-10    (5fkh5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most clever, who can always find the TV remote,
>
> What would the movie "Dr. Billgates, or How I Stopped Worrying And
> Learned To Love The Bug" be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It'd be like 2 hours of looking at a blue screen that says: Movie has
} violated system integrity.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lame Frenchman.


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