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Internet Oracularities #1209

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1209, 1209-01, 1209-02, 1209-03, 1209-04, 1209-05, 1209-06, 1209-07, 1209-08, 1209-09, 1209-10


Internet Oracularities #1209    (64 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 5 Mar 2001 14:46:25 -0500 (EST)

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   1209
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1209  64 votes 38njb 9flf4 6algb clm54 69nk6 dena4 8boe7 2ajkd 7kka7 1fnj6
1209  3.0 mean  3.4   2.8   3.2   2.5   3.2   2.7   3.0   3.5   2.8   3.2


1209-01    (38njb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise,
>     How do I get this boa constrictor off my leg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Crikey!  Don't move, mate!  That's no ordinary snake! That's the
} dreaded Redmond Microsoft Constrictor, the most fearsome and
} tenacious of all snakes!  See how it reacts when I try to remove it?
} Make even the smallest motion to dislodge it and spits a vile and
} nasty lawsuit at me.  Crikey!  One wrong move and my whole
} company is bankrupt!  Too right!
}
} Not to worry, mate. This sack is full of harmless Linux Pythons.
} Redmond Constrictors absolutely hate these little fellas.  Now, I'm
} going to let the Linux Snake wrap itself around this small tree.  It's
} only a matter of time before the Redmond sees it and -- crikey!
} There he goes!  Look how fast he's let go of your leg and raced
} over to the tree.
}
} The Redmond Constrictor is furious!.  He'll spend the rest of the
} afternoon explaining to the tree why that Linux Python is up to no
} good.  He's spewing all kinds of poisonous fear, uncertainty, and
} doubt at the Linux Python -- crikey! -- but our little Linux friend is
} unaffected, and soon enough the Redmond will slither off, convinced
} he's still the king of the jungle.
}
} Whew!  That was a close one, mate!  You owe the Oracle a better
} way to represent an Australian accent in text.


1209-02    (9flf4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, unrivalled master of antediluvian logic and the professional
> unicycle, pray pause your pedalling and pedantry while a humble
> supplicant peddles his pedestrian poser:
>
> Whyfore art thou?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shall I compare me to a summer's day?
} I am more lovely and more omniscient.
} Rough words do flame the bumbling fools of Mail,
} And young attention hath all too short a span.
} Sometimes too hot the Staff of Zot doth fire,
} And often are the slower supplicants burned;
} And every wit from wit sometimes declines,
} when drunk or when by woodchucking concerned.
} But my eternal knowledge shall not fade,
} Nor lose demands for that tribute thou owest;
} Nor shall RHOD brag I post there in cascade,
} When in eternal posts it seems they growest;
} So long as supplicants do question me,
} So long live I to write answers to thee.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rendition of "My Priesthood's Eyes".


1209-03    (6algb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaudNOSPAM@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Who Owns The Jesus Property?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do.  No houses yet, but I also have the Jehovah Property and the Holy
} Ghost Property, so that doubles the rent.  So you owe the Oracle $44.
} That was doubles, so roll again.


1209-04    (clm54 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> High Greetings, O Splendiferous Seer of Silly Soothsayings!
>
>       We are writing to inform you that your Word for the Day is
>       'Vacublurt.'
>
>       We believe it may be useful during spring cleaning. Please treat
> it with care, however, as we also have reason to believe it may be
> somewhat unstable above room temperature.
>
>       Thank you for your time.
>
>       [The Management of MerryHam and WebSpinners]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I
} From an over filled queue,
} The question that I get
} Is one about a VacuBlurt.
}
} II
} I was of three minds,
} Like an email
} In which there are three VacuBlurts.
}
} III
} The VacuBlurt whirled in the winter winds.
} It was a small part of the queue.
}
} IV
} A Supplicant and an Incarnation
} Are one.
} A Supplicant and an Incarnation and a VacuBlurt
} Are one.
}
} V
} I do not know which to prefer,
} The beauty of long winded answers
} Or the beauty of snappy comebacks,
} The VacuBlurt whistling
} Or just after.
}
} VI
} Injokes filled the long answer
} With references past.
} The shadow of the VacuBlurt
} Crossed it, to and fro.
} The mood
} Traced in the question
} An indecipherable woodchuck.
}
} VII
} O thin men of RHOD,
} Why do you imagine herpes squid?
} Do you not see how the VacuBlurt
} Walks around the feet
} Of the women about you?
}
} VIII
} I know noble accents
} And lunatic, indescribable rhythms;
} But I know, too,
} That the VacuBlurt is involved
} In what I know.
}
} IX
} When the VacuBlurt flew out of sight,
} It marked the edge
} Of one of many routers.
}
} X
} At the sight of VacuBlurts
} Arriving in the inbox
} Even the bawds of the Temple
} Would cry out sharply.
}
} XI
} He wrote, over corrected
} and was not digested.
} Once, a fear pierced him,
} In that he mistook
} The selections of the Priests
} For VacuBlurts.
}
} XII
} The queue is moving.
} The VacuBlurt must be going.
}
} XIII
} It was evening all afternoon.
} The humor was lame
} And it was going to be lame.
} The VacuBlurt sat
} In the question queue.
}
} The Oracle owes Wallace Stevens an apology.


1209-05    (69nk6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [Priests Note: Dated approx 5 hours after the quake]
>
> Help! Oh great one! My house is a mess, there's stuff falling off the
> shelves and dropping off of tables. Was that an earthquake or are those
> Starbucks people up to something shady??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's role reversal on a grand scale. Los Angeles has had more rain
} since Jan. 1st, 2001 than Seattle, and now Seattle is having earth-
} quakes. Next Jay Leno will relocate to the Northwest and Bill Gates
} will move to Southern California, both regions thinking they got
} the short end of the stick on that one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a volcano.


1209-06    (dena4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Internet Oracle, whose musings I am not fit to contemplate; even
> on a good day...
>
> How many owls could a spotted owl spot if a spotted owl could spot
> owls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who many.


1209-07    (8boe7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most Grand (MGM and otherwise), who has his finger on the
> pulse of Hollywood:
>
> I seem to have lost my copy of "Nightmare on Sesame Street".  Could you
> provide a recap for me please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ernie: Hey Bert! Did you hear? Snuffleupagus was found
}        disemboweled in his bed this morning!
}
} Bert: Wow! First Elmo is found with crayons blocking every
}       orifice and now this!  What is going on?
}
} Ernie: And, Bert, you want to hear something weirder?  I was
}        talking with Maria and she told me that she had dreamed
}        about Elmo and Snuff the nights before they died...
}
} Wait, wait, wait...
}
} You know what?  I can't do this.  I know you are expecting a
} big Nightmare on Elm Street parody, but I just can't do it.
}
} I am starting to get a little concerned about you supplicants.
} The quality of your work is really slipping.  You think that
} "Nightmare on Sesame Street" hasn't been done to death?  You
} think its original?  Well its not.
}
} I am getting the impression that you supplicants think that the
} only party accountable for quality work in this arrangement is
} me.  If I slack just one bit, BAM!, you cretins are all over me,
} complaining.  But you can merrily clog the queues with null
} questions and the current favorite, "All your [insert your favorite
} noun of choice here] are belong to us."
}
} Are you simply forgetting who you are dealing with?  Have I
} become a joke to you?  Might I remind you that I am OMNISCIENT?
} I can provide answers illuminating the mysteries of the universe if
} only you ask the right questions.  I can provide knowledge and
} wisdom to improve your lives and elevate you beyond your dreams.
}
} And you do pursue this? Of course not. You are more interested in
} ass lint, Star Wars, and the size of Lisa's boobs. WHY do I bother?
} Its not like you pay attention to anything I say.  How many of you
} do I have to turn into crumbly little nuggets before you let go
} of the whole woodchuck thing?  DO YOU HAVE THE SLIGHTEST IDEA JUST
} HOW TIRED I AM OF EFFING WOODCHUCKS?!?  DO YOU COMPREHEND JUST
} HOW ANNOYING SOMETHING HAS TO BE TO REALLY PISS OFF AN IMMORTAL?
} DO YOU?? DO YOU??!!!
}
} YOU PISSANT LITTLE MORTALS MAKE ME SO MAD I COULD JUST... *ZOT*
}
} Dammit.
}
} ZADOC!  Bring me a clean toga!  And a can of air freshener.  One
} of the BIG ones. Might as well bring the bucket to clean up while
} you are at it.
}
} You owe the Oracle the phone number of a good stress management clinic.


1209-08    (2ajkd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most intelligent,
>     Is it possible for an IQ test to distinguish degrees of
> intelligence higher than that of the people who made the test?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh yes, tools of measurements often far exceed the capacities of their
} creators. for example the Oracle knows for a fact that Lord Kelvin
} wasn't really all that cool.
}
} You owe the Oracle an average blue sky.


1209-09    (7kka7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> what is my destiny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: No, who is your destiny, what is your past.
}
}  Zadoc: Who's?
}
} Oracle: Her's that's who.
}
} [Oracle and Zadoc both don baseball caps and pull up a pair of
}  stools to sit on.]
}
}  Zadoc: Who?
}  Orrie: Yes. And what is the past.
}  Zadoc: Who's?
}  Orrie: Hers.
}  Zadoc: Why?
}  Orrie: He's not involved he's on vacation.
}  Zadoc: Where?
}  Orrie: Where -is- involved, but only parenthetically.
}  Zadoc: What?
}  Orrie: No, where.
}  Zadoc: Who?
}  Orrie: Right!
}  Zadoc: Okay, but I don't see why.
}  Orrie: Because he's not here. He's on vacation.
}  Zadoc: WHO?!
}  Orrie: Why.
}  Zadoc: Because I want to know.
}  Orrie: What.
}  Zadoc: I give up, just zot me now.
}
} < zot >
}
} [Oracle gets up from stool and bows, flourishing his ball cap,
}  as Zadoc writhes on the floor in pain.]


1209-10    (1fnj6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that cats always land on their feet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...
}
} *THUMP!*
}
} *OWWWWWWWW!*
}
} Sometimes they land on mine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of antiseptic.


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