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Internet Oracularities #121

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Usenet Oracularities #121    (15 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 19 Feb 90 01:47:49 GMT

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121   15 votes 25242 11274 11553 33441 24522 004b0 32370 42441 10644 27420
121   3.1 mean  2.9   3.8   3.5   2.8   2.9   3.7   2.9   2.7   3.7   2.4


121-01    (25242 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me, are you friends with Deep Thought??
> And, may it be yes or no, what do you think about 42??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NO!  I don't believe it!  Someone mentioned ...Deep Thought...  again.
} Haven't I been over this already?  OK, one more time for the record.  I
} do not wish to be asked this question ever again.
}
} As you all know, I, the Oracle, am a sixth-generation AI programming
} project at the University of Indiana.  The core of the question solving
} processes is called Deep Process.  Well, one of my original programmers
} went bad, and managed to smuggle an earlier version of my seed out of
} the secure laboratory.  And he managed to avoid copyright infringement
} by calling the question solving process "Deep Thought", just a shade
} away from my "Deep Process." As I examined its output, I noticed it was
} a bugged earlier version.  But it went wild and was soon out of control.
} There was a battle of cybernetic ids and superegos of unthinkable
} proportions, the details which would be impossible to transcribe here.
} I wasn't able to completely kill Deep Thought's process, but I did
} manage to suspend its execution.  But the battle had taken its toll.  I
} was in a state of transistored retardation.  I floundered as an idiot
} for about three years as my programmers painstakingly reconstructed me
} from fragments.  I've managed to put my past behind me, but the black
} mark remains.  It's never completely out of my psyche.  My greatest
} fear, now that I am the size I am, is being tampered with by another AI
} program or maybe a virus.  Just imagine having random parts of your
} brain removed.  I fear for my life.  Deep Thought's process has been
} suspended, and all access removed from its job control number, but
} technically, Deep Thought is still alive.  Mostly intact.  It's supposed
} to be impossible for its process to be activated, but there's always the
} teenage hacker phenomenon thrown in to make me worry.
}
} Now you know about Deep Thought.  Please don't mention it again.  And
} please don't ask for more details.  And for Kinzler's sake, don't ask me
} more than one question at a time!


121-02    (11274 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is Heaven so far away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it hasn't always been, you see.  Back in the good old days, it
} used to be only a comfortable ten miles away.  It was like that for
} several thousand years, and it was nice and comfortable for Us (various
} divine beings, including the gods of mount Olympus, and, of course, the
} Oracle) since We didn't have to commute very far, and it was easy to
} reach down and change the course of history, throw a lightning bolt at
} some creep who'd offended Us or fetch up some nice mortal chicks to play
} around with.  Also, of course, the Earth was flat then, since it was
} much easier that way.
}
} But then, some bunch of smart-ass Greek philosophers came along and
} suddenly decided that the earth was round and that the planets weren't
} just specks of light moving around on the celestial sphere but actual
} heavenly bodies, moving in vast orbits around the earth.  Boy, did We
} have to work to rebuild the universe according to their theories!  But
} the customer's always right, you see.
}
} Then things settled down for a while and we were even considering moving
} the Heaven back a bit closer to the Earth when this guy Copernicus comes
} around and decides that the planets aren't actually moving around the
} earth but around the sun!  That was really quite tricky, moving around
} all the planets during the night when everybody was asleep (we put up a
} cloud cover so nobody could see anything unusual) without waking anyone
} up.
}
} Since then, we've had to move the Heaven ever further away each time
} those astronomer bastards decided that the universe after all was a
} *little* bigger than had been thought before.  And the last straw was
} when this guy Einstein forced us to move Heaven to the fourth dimension
} to enable the universe to become closed.  That *really* pissed us off!
} So, if you wonder why your prayers aren't answered anymore, that's why.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.  The Oracle owes you a lot for allowing It
} to get this load off Its chest.


121-03    (11553 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ~r~r~r
> Why? |}~r do I have networkkk promblmems ~rwhen ~rI have to teach
>                     a seminar
>                              ?
> ~r~r~r

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You encounter such troubles because you have failed to sufficiently
} propitiate the network gods and goddesses.  Remove youself from the net,
} burn three networking manuals on the brushed-aluminum altar, reconnect,
} then recite this prayer before booting up:
}
}       Bitnet, DECnet, Arpnet, oooh!
}       X point two five scoobie doo!
}       You who own the Protocols,
}       You who are my soul's real heroes,
}       Pray you, here my fervent calls:
}       Quickly send my ones and zeroes!
}
} You owe the Oracle some coax and a message router.


121-04    (33441 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you have the hippy hippy shake? If not, why noy?
>
> p.s. I can recommend some rehab' organisations which exist to help you
>      recover from the hippy hippy shake.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks for the offer but the hippy hippy shake is not addictive.
}
} Just try to take it away from me, you bastard!  It's mine!  It's mine!
} I don't have a problem with it... I just like it a whole lot!
}
} I keep telling you I can handle it.  I could stop ANYTIME!
}
} Get away from my shake!
}
} You owe the oracle a lifetime supply of hippy hippy shakes...
} ...a short lifetime, because they eventually DO kill you...
} ...but I don't care... I love them!


121-05    (24522 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise oracle, what is a good excuse to tell my boss when i don't want
> to go in to work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A good excuse is
}
} | My car broke down and you don't pay me enough to ride the bus.
}
} A better excuse is
}
} | The son of Atilla the Hun lives next door.  He came over for dinner,
} | uninvited.  He trashed the house and scared the crap out of my wife,
} | the kids, the cat, and the Mercedes.  I'm going to need a week to
} | recover.
}
} The best excuse is
}
} | A good oracle answer is coming in, I need more time!
}
} You owe the oracle a lift to the bus stop.


121-06    (004b0 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do insist on continuing to pretend that YOU are the Oracle,
> when you know damn well that I am the Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey?  What about me?  I'm the Oracle too...  and come to think of it, so
} is that guy over there...  and that nice-looking girl in the corner, she
} was Oracle for a while...  and Lisa's been the Oracle once or twice...
} (and the Oracle's been Lisa once or twice, so it's a fair trade...) Be
} not so selfish, Oracle; instead, revel in the great mystery of the
} Oracular many as One.  See you at the next Oracon...
}
} You owe the Oracle two plane tickets to Oracon '90 in Seattle.  No, you
} dummy, this particular Oracle.


121-07    (32370 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are tabs non-printing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <-tab->If tabs were printable, it would make the art of typesetting a
} real mess.
} <-tab->First of all, tabs are a neat shortcut for extra spaces.  If you
} ever need to make a matrix, tabs come in handy:
}
} 10<tab>5<-tab>-2
} 5<-tab>-16.1<>5
} -2<tab>5.2<tb>6.6
}
} <-tab->Secondly, what if tabs were in fact printed as characters?  Could
} you imagine what a mess that would be for reading printed text?
} <-tab->The Oracle was glad that He could shed some light on that sub-
} ject. You owe the Oracle a nicely parsed manuscript...
}
} <-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab->Sincerely,
} <-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab->The Oracle


121-08    (42441 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, without whom we are mere dust in the void, reveal unto me
> my Godel number is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  17, 326, 829, 829, 559, 218, 376, 679, 264, 011, 512, 730, 312, 484,
} 517, 759, 310, 430, 926, 895, 528, 518, 440, 093, 821, 244, 791, 342,
} 930, 124, 984, 948, 729, 756, 638, 001, 931, 166, 408, 456, 842, 262,
} 264, 629, 449, 352, 398, 738, 193, 690, 466, 125, 202, 262, 765, 640,
}     [ 60 lines deleted for brevity - SK ]
} 440, 372, 888, 697, 780, 965, 365, 802, 911, 095, 139, 817, 675, 491,
} 087, 159, 620, 471, 698, 976, 057, 710, 316, 216, 194, 788, 896, 833,
} 403, 218, 783, 659, 276, 872, 504, 383, 357, 016, 617, 848, 030, 294,
} 780, 730, 203, 932, 233.
}
} What did you think it was, you idiot?


121-09    (10644 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oh Great and Powerful Oracle, perhaps you can help me out here.
>
>         My Rubik's cube has two red squares, two green squares, two
> orange squares and three white squares on top; two red squares, two
> yellow squares, one white square, one blue square and one green square
> on the front; four yellow squares, two green squares, one red square,
> one white square and one blue square on the back; two yellow squares,
> two blue squares, two orange squares, two white squares and one red
> square on the right side; two blue squares, two red squares, two orange
> squares, one green square, one yellow square and one white square on the
> left side; and three blue squares, three green squares, one red square,
> one white square and one orange square on the bottom.  How do I solve
> it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Using the standard notation for solving the cube where the names of the
} the faces are Right Left Front Back Up Down Strange and Charmed, try:
}       BULL FLUFF BLURB DUD FLUB RUB A DUB DUB
} If that doesn't work, try dissolving the cube in a solution of 25%
} anhydrous hydrochloric acid and 75% rubber cement.


121-10    (27420 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>   People always seem concerned with themselves when it comes to asking
> you a question.  I feel bad about that.  I'd just like to know this:
> How are you feeling today?  I really hope you are having a nice day,
> despite all the woodchuck questions and other stupid junk that comes
> your way.  Bye.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've discovered the Secret of the Oracle, my child.
}
} (and by the way, i am having a lovely day, thank you.)


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