} Oh, most resplendently talented supplicant, ....you're a teeny bit
} It's not the "Olympics" but the "Doh!-Lympics" that will be holding
} a Gum Chewing event.
} Preliminary qualifying for this world championships in amazing feats
} of stoopidity, this contest of cretins, will involve tasking the
} entrants to perform the much ballyhooed "Walk and Chewing Gum at the
} Same Time."
} Persons able to competently and proficiently engage in both acts
} simultaneously will be disqualified forthwith.
} Next, competitors will be given careful instruction in their native
} languages in addition to written guidelines, which they may keep in
} front of themselves at all times, and all the appropriate implements
} to perform their task. They will then be asked to vote with a
} Florida-style butterfly ballot. All those failing to vote for the
} appropriate candidate will move up to the next round. Important
} bonus points can be accumulated in this round for inadvertently
} voting for a Nazi. Truly brilliant performances in this category
} were recently turned in at last month's Memphis Moron Match when a
} New Zealand competitor incited a election volunteer from the local
} Society of Friends congregation to violence. His technique
} included 56 repeated requests for further instruction and fresh
} ballots, and some giftedly artful whining about the unfairness of
} expecting him to make such an important decision without his reading
} Unfortunately the Kiwi in question was unable to attend the medal
} ceremony. He was, instead, recovering from surgery, having just
} undergone the removal of an olive loaf, 5 pounds of cheese, a quart
} of milk and a lovely, blue seersucker shopping bag from his rectum.
} Contestants failing to perform these qualifying tasks (yet not
} utterly obliterating themselves from the gene-pool) will move on to
} "Reducing a Soulless, Rude and Condescending Help Desk Technician to
} a Weeping Mass of Frustrated Proto-Carbons."
} In the recent, scintillating North American Championships, the
} promising Arlene Clappsaddle reduced young Brent 'The Geekster"
} Snootfoodle, Help Technician for E-Machines, to a slobbering mass.
} Utilizing a 5 hour relentless barrage of vicious,
} pejorative-flinging insistence, Arlene asserted that "for the amount
} I paid for that f*ing computer-thingie, -it damned well better
} connect to the innernet without my having to spend more money on a
} gol-danged 'service provider.' This is a damned racket! Now make
} it work, and be quick about it!" ...whereupon she slammed down the
} phone. It was sheer poetry. Brent doesn't really mind those nice
} people in the funny jackets. He's given some lovely drugs and they
} let him loose twice a day with a coloring book and some of those fat
} red and blue crayons. With careful therapy, in perhaps 3 or 4 years
} time he should be able to answer a phone without wetting himself.
} Now at this point the competition becomes fierce, with perhaps only
} 5 or 6 contestants still in the field, the real challenge begins.
} This is where we separate the merely tiresome from the truly vapid.
} Contestants must suggest the premise for an American network
} television "Replacement" program. Winning programs have been filmed
} using washed-up, aging film stars unable to find work doing anything
} else save perhaps spots on the Home Shopping Network, feminine
} hygiene commercials or late night paid programming. For the bonus
} points in this round, the contestant will rely on yet another
} implausible rehash of a rehashing of a previous silly program.
} Everyone knows that genuinely tasteful, sensitive and intelligent
} programming has no viewership on American television, so...Those
} shows making the top 3 audience shares when released during a
} simultaneous repeat season, cable outage and PBS pledge drive will
} move on to the much coveted: Final Round. Last year's finalist
} proposed the XFL. Most impressive.
} What, praytell, could be even more banal than these considerably
} trying trials? How much more stoopid can an uncoached Homo Sapiens
} Sapiens hope to be without birth trauma or cranial injury? Usenet
} trolling. Post using circular logic, faulty reasoning and odious
} grammatical skills. Persist in blaming other people for the fact
} that the idiocy you write is not received with the awe-struck
} admiration it deserves. Create one-line follow-ups to posts with no
} relevant bearing on the previous statement. Leave the previous
} 40-50 posts untrimmed in your one-word reply. Trot your insipid,
} insecurity-driven flirtations out into the public domain foisting
} upon all and sundry for as many as 20 to 30 posts per day and
} convince yourself you're deeply, genuinely adored. Believe yourself
} clever when posting a 60 year old pun that's been heard 100 times
} over by every human being in your hemisphere over the age of toilet
} training. In short, earn respect and acceptance in
} rec.humor.oracle.d. You'll find a plethora of shining stars of
} previous Doh!-Lympics who are regulars there. They can mentor you.
} You owe the Oracle a world in which the word "oregano" is never
} intended as a feeble excuse for humor a full year after the
} individual who first brought up the topic has ceased even bothering
} to post.