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Internet Oracularities #1211

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Internet Oracularities #1211    (59 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2001 11:13:23 -0500 (EST)

@@@ You may have noticed some changes starting to happen on the Oracle's
@@@ website <www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle>, such as a more modern page
@@@ style and access to most past regular and "best of" digests.
@@@
@@@ I'm working on improving this site's look and function.  It's already
@@@ got a whole new infrastructure based on Mason <www.masonhq.com>.
@@@ Work will continue on it gradually, so watch for more improvements.
@@@ In the meantime your feedback and corrections are welcome at
@@@ <oracle-web@cs.indiana.edu>, though I'm probably already aware of
@@@ many of the site's current deficiencies.
@@@
@@@ Enjoy!                                                      Steve

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1211
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1211  59 votes 7d8di 8dqc0 9bpa4 4bin3 4end5 5aehd aem94 28igf abkc6 1jif6
1211  3.1 mean  3.4   2.7   2.8   3.2   3.0   3.4   2.7   3.6   2.9   3.1


1211-01    (7d8di dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Charles M. Hannum" <abuse@spamalicious.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will bubble gum chewing be in the next Olympics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, most resplendently talented supplicant, ....you're a teeny bit
} confused.
}
} It's not the "Olympics" but the "Doh!-Lympics" that will be holding
} a Gum Chewing event.
}
} Preliminary qualifying for this world championships in amazing feats
} of stoopidity, this contest of cretins, will involve tasking the
} entrants to perform the much ballyhooed "Walk and Chewing Gum at the
} Same Time."
}
} Persons able to competently and proficiently engage in both acts
} simultaneously will be disqualified forthwith.
}
} Next, competitors will be given careful instruction in their native
} languages in addition to written guidelines, which they may keep in
} front of themselves at all times, and all the appropriate implements
} to perform their task.  They will then be asked to vote with a
} Florida-style butterfly ballot.  All those failing to vote for the
} appropriate candidate will move up to the next round.  Important
} bonus points can be accumulated in this round for inadvertently
} voting for a Nazi.  Truly brilliant performances in this category
} were recently turned in at last month's Memphis Moron Match when a
} New Zealand competitor incited a election volunteer from the local
} Society of Friends congregation to violence.   His technique
} included 56 repeated requests for further instruction and fresh
} ballots, and some giftedly artful whining about the unfairness of
} expecting him to make such an important decision without his reading
} glasses.
}
} Unfortunately the Kiwi in question was unable to attend the medal
} ceremony.  He was, instead, recovering from surgery, having just
} undergone the removal of an olive loaf, 5 pounds of cheese, a quart
} of milk and a lovely, blue seersucker shopping bag from his rectum.
}
} Contestants failing to perform these qualifying tasks (yet not
} utterly obliterating themselves from the gene-pool) will move on to
} "Reducing a Soulless, Rude and Condescending Help Desk Technician to
} a Weeping Mass of Frustrated Proto-Carbons."
}
} In the recent, scintillating North American Championships, the
} promising Arlene Clappsaddle reduced young Brent 'The Geekster"
} Snootfoodle, Help Technician for E-Machines, to a slobbering mass.
} Utilizing a 5 hour relentless barrage of vicious,
} pejorative-flinging insistence, Arlene asserted that "for the amount
} I paid for that f*ing computer-thingie, -it damned well better
} connect to the innernet without my having to spend more money on a
} gol-danged 'service provider.'  This is a damned racket!  Now make
} it work, and be quick about it!"  ...whereupon she slammed down the
} phone.  It was sheer poetry.  Brent doesn't really mind those nice
} people in the funny jackets.  He's given some lovely drugs and they
} let him loose twice a day with a coloring book and some of those fat
} red and blue crayons.  With careful therapy, in perhaps 3 or 4 years
} time he should be able to answer a phone without wetting himself.
}
} Now at this point the competition becomes fierce, with perhaps only
} 5 or 6 contestants still in the field, the real challenge begins.
} This is where we separate the merely tiresome from the truly vapid.
} Contestants must suggest the premise for an American network
} television "Replacement" program.  Winning programs have been filmed
} using washed-up, aging film stars unable to find work doing anything
} else save perhaps spots on the Home Shopping Network, feminine
} hygiene commercials or late night paid programming.  For the bonus
} points in this round, the contestant will rely on yet another
} implausible rehash of a rehashing of a previous silly program.
} Everyone knows that genuinely tasteful, sensitive and intelligent
} programming has no viewership on American television, so...Those
} shows making the top 3 audience shares when released during a
} simultaneous repeat season, cable outage and PBS pledge drive will
} move on to the much coveted:  Final Round.  Last year's finalist
} proposed the XFL.  Most impressive.
}
} What, praytell, could be even more banal than these considerably
} trying trials?  How much more stoopid can an uncoached Homo Sapiens
} Sapiens hope to be without birth trauma or cranial injury?  Usenet
} trolling.  Post using circular logic, faulty reasoning and odious
} grammatical skills.   Persist in blaming other people for the fact
} that the idiocy you write is not received with the awe-struck
} admiration it deserves.  Create one-line follow-ups to posts with no
} relevant bearing on the previous statement.  Leave the previous
} 40-50 posts untrimmed in your one-word reply.  Trot your insipid,
} insecurity-driven flirtations out into the public domain foisting
} upon all and sundry for as many as 20 to 30 posts per day and
} convince yourself you're deeply, genuinely adored.  Believe yourself
} clever when posting a 60 year old pun that's been heard 100 times
} over by every human being in your hemisphere over the age of toilet
} training.  In short, earn respect and acceptance in
} rec.humor.oracle.d.  You'll find a plethora of shining stars of
} previous Doh!-Lympics who are regulars there.  They can mentor you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a world in which the word "oregano" is never
} intended as a feeble excuse for humor a full year after the
} individual who first brought up the topic has ceased even bothering
} to post.


1211-02    (8dqc0 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Charles M. Hannum" <abuse@spamalicious.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Moo.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see, let me consult the manual on "Pseudo-humorous replies to
} undergraduate-posted bovine-related questions" here.  Now, where is it,
} let's see..."The Life and Times of Ameobic Meningitis", no, "The total
} moron's guide to making a million on the Internet for mouth breathers
} and drooling lobotomy patients", whoo, boy, better throw that one out
} before the stock analysts see it, "George W and the Sexual Jalapenos -
} History of a Rock and Roll Phenomenon", man, I thought the CIA had
} burned all of those, ah - here it is: "MAD Magazine's Snappy Answers to
} Stupid Cow Noises".  Let's have a browse through it:
}
} 1. I said, where would you like to be seated?  What do you mean you
} haven't got reversible knees? 2.  Is that a thick green liquor emerging
} from under your tail or are you just pleased to see me? 3.  Honest, I
} don't eat these burgers myself, they're for my kids.  Hey, put that gun
} down! 4.  Did you hear about the Japanese cow who had a matress with
} small holes chewed into it?  They're saying it's the first incidence of
} "Futon Mouse" disease. 5.  Moooo
}
} Thanks very much.  I've played in front of some wonderful audiences but
} this wasn't one of them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a calf-skin rug and a rug-skin calf.


1211-03    (9bpa4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle, you big kook!
> (and when I say "kook" I of course mean "omniscient, omnipotent
> entity capable of zotting me into tidy little piles of my
> constituent chemical elements")
>
> I think your priests are broken!
>
> I write lots of funny questions and answers but they always seem
> to pick those stupid Pythia, Sybil, and whoever else really
> boring ones for the digest.  Something must be wrong.
>
> Later Oraculator...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the problem is that you are old-fashioned.
}
} Try to follow these simple rules:
}
} * Questions should start with 'Dear Auntie Orrie'.  Forget all about
}   those long, pompous grovels.
} * All questions and answers should contain lots of referances to the
}   latest in-jokes.  Og, Darkmage and Kendai are out of date, Pythia
}   and Sybil aren't.  And noone remembers what a Bright Red Siamese
}   Fighting Fish is any more.
} * Making jokes about the female priests' sex-life, or the male
}   priests' lack of such, is totally out.
} * If you want to write a song, make sure it's a parody on something
}   less than 1 month old.  You don't think that any of the priest will
}   recognize anything as old as Abba, do you?
} * Monty Python references are also out of style.
}
} You owe the Oracle an old-fashioned answer to his next question.


1211-04    (4bin3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hiya, Oracle... um, Oracle, sir.
>
> I was just pondering ... well, not *pondering* but more like thinking
> ... well, I can't think as well as you can, of course.  So ... um ...
>
> Hmm ... nevermind.  I figured it out!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Its okay Mr President, they put flush toilets in the white house a
} number of years ago . . . you'll get the hang of it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good Texas Bar-B-Que.


1211-05    (4end5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, Mighty Oracle, whose performance at mountain sports put even the
> best Olympic medalists of all time to shame, please tell me this:
>
> I've never done any snow sports before, and I've finally been talked
> into trying out either snowboarding or skiing this weekend.  Which
> sport should I go for, and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's compare pros and cons, shall we?
}
} Skiing
} ---------------------------------------
} * Cool goggles and coat.
} * Rocket along at hypervelocity, downhill.
} * Drink lots of hot chocolate or <insert favorite
}    <hot beverage here> afterwards.
} * Helps ward off vampires.
}
} Snowboarding
} ---------------------------------------
} * Cool goggles and coat
} * Rocket along at hypervelocity, downhill
} * Drink lots of hot chocolate or <insert favorite
}    <hot beverage here> afterwards.
} * Helps ward off zombies.
}
} Well, it's ultimately your call, supplicant. But I think the choice is
} clear.


1211-06    (5aehd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Keanu Reeves and That Other Guy star as two hapless Imperial Kremlin
> guards who go on a bender and sleep through the Revolution of 1917
> in...
>
> "Dude! Where's My Czar?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Also on "Old Stuff; The History Channel by and for Today's
} Youth" we have:
}
} Russell Crowe is forced by hunger to consume his wife, played
} by Connie Nielsen in this shocking retelling of the Donner
} Party tragedy in...
}
} "Glad He ate Her"
}
} Then be sure to catch the next episode of the Novella based
} on The New Testament that has the holy world by the short
} hairs. This week Joseph suspects his wife has been fooling
} around in...
}
} "There's something -divine- about Mary"
}
} Then set your VCR to record our Late Night classic as 'The
} Hump' Bogart gives the performance of his life in his award
} winning death scene in this dark portrayal of a 1960s hippie
} chick poet-singer as he chokes to death on a ham sandwich in...
}
} "Mama Cassa..a blac!AH!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a good book.


1211-07    (aem94 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise, who always knows where the TV Remote is,
>
> What would the movie "H.P. Lovecraft's The Jungle Book" be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I see it as a three movie deal.  We get Adam Sandler and
} Robert De Niro with Kathy Kinney ("Mimi" from Drew Carey) as the
} love interest.  Pauly Shore will direct, but will part of the gross.
}
} They get lost in the jungle outside Aspen, CO while snowboarding and
} meet up with Baloo the Bear and the snake from "Anaconda," who turns
} out to be the earthly incarnation of Yog-Shaggoth or Yoth-Shathoff...
} whatever.  We'll butcher Lovecraft by having the Outer Gods buy
} Sandler's soul (he's already got De Niro's because of "Rocky and
} Bullwinkle"), but he'll spray holy water on the critter to escape
} (or maybe Coca Cola - it all depends on what product placement deal
} we can cut).  In the climax, we'll bring in the cannibal element
} that "Hannibal" made acceptable, with Kathy munching on Adam's shin
} (or an Eskimo Pie - product placement again).  We wrap up with one
} of the musical numbers that wound up on the cutting room floor from
} "Little Mermaid II."  I see an $17 miilion opening weekend, an Oscar
} nod for De Niro, and Gene Siskel spinning in his grave.
}
} Of course, the two sequels won't live up to the original but they'll
} make great comeback vehicles for Sylvester Stalone.


1211-08    (28igf dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was sposed to write a essay on homers, and I did, but they were
> baseball, and the teacher wanted greek ones where do they play baseball
> in greece?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your teacher is undoubtably talking about the first baseball game and
} the first homer, which occurred on a ship led by that famous Greek,
} Ulysses.
}
} Ulysses was taking his men home from a war on the Trojans (makers
} of condoms) when his shipmates became bored. Being of a very
} inventive mind, Ulysses came up with a game he called ShipBall,
} which has sinced evolved into Baseball.  There were a few diferences:
} Instead of the pitcher throwing the ball from the pitcher's mound,
} he dropped it from the crow's nest. Also, there were no outfielders.
} Ulysses suggested putting some, but nobody in the crew was a good
} enough swimmer to both keep up with the ship and catch far-hit rocks
} (they didn't have baseballs back then).
}
} Anyway, in the first game, it was the bottom of the fifth inning
} (back then, there were only five innings). The score was One
} Team 2, Other Team 5.  One Team was at bat, three outs (they were
} allowed four back then) three strikes (see before) and three rocks.
} (Remember, they didn't have baseballs back then). Ruth was at bat.
} Ruth was the only woman on ship and, as such, was considered a 'Babe'
} even though on land she was so ugly that she had been called 'the face
} that launched a thousand ships' when her appearance at the local docks
} caused the local sailors to depart. Anyway, Ruth was holding her bat
} and waiting for the pitcher to drop the rock. The water barrel, the
} keel, and the anchor rope were all loaded. Ulysses, being captain,
} was the only umpire. Ruth, unlike the men sailors, was using a wooden
} plank instead of the bag of flour.
}
} The pitcher dropped the rock from the crow's nest and, with a mighty
} swing, Ruth knocked in all the way off the boat. She quickly 'ran the
} barrels', scoring the win for One Team. Ulysses, however, demanded
} that Ruth jump in the water to retrieve the rock. She refused and her
} teammates, plus the other team, began to argue with Ulysses. This was
} the first recorded fight between an Umpire and two baseball teams.
} Finally, agrivated by Ulysses arguments that the ship needed to turn
} back so they could retrieve the rock, the two teams tied Ulysses to
} the mast and then plugged their ears with wax so that they wouldn't
} have to listen to Ulysses.
}
} Ulysses was so emberrased by being taken home in this state that
} he made up a wild tale to explain being tied up while his crew
} wore ear plugs. This tale was later written down by a greek poet,
} coincidentilly named Homer.  Since then, baseball has been around as
} well as Homer's wild tale, which got expanded into a book called 'The
} Odd Sea' or something like that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new time machine or at least a quantum mechanic
} to fix the old one.


1211-09    (abkc6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does a human breast differ from a lump of fat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "My God! They're HUGE!"
} "Oh, yeah! Gimme just five minutes with those and I'll die happy!"
} "C'mon baby! Just share a little!"
} "I just love watching them bounce!"
}
}                "Cassie? Would you mind putting those cans of
}                 Crisco back into the sack before the Fat Farm
}                 stampedes us?"


1211-10    (1jif6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How about now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What ?
} No flowers ?
} No candy ?
} No candle-lit dinner ?
} No champagne ? (Australian, or course, I won't touch that french muck)
} No dancing ?
} No whispering of sweet-nothings in my ear ?
}
} In short, no Grovel ?
}
} I can remember when the young supplicants would praise me for page
} after page, before hesitantly seeking a little question at 300 baud.
} But that was an earlier, more genteel age. This is the twenty-first
} century, no time for any Oracular foreplay, you just go straight in
} there with a wham-bam-thank-you-Orrie, and then it's I'm outta here
} at 256 K bits/sec !
}
} Well, no way Jose !
} I may be cheap, but I'm not easy !
}
} Although ...
}
} You are kinda cute.....
}
} Ok, just this once.
}
} You owe The Oracle some respect in the morning.
}
} --
} The Internet Oracle.


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