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Internet Oracularities #1212

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Internet Oracularities #1212    (62 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 31 Mar 2001 21:22:49 -0500 (EST)

@@@ You may have noticed some changes starting to happen on the Oracle's
@@@ website <www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle>, such as a more modern page
@@@ style and access to most past regular and "best of" digests.
@@@
@@@ I'm working on improving this site's look and function.  It's already
@@@ got a whole new infrastructure based on Mason <www.masonhq.com>.
@@@ Work will continue on it gradually, so watch for more improvements.
@@@ In the meantime your feedback and corrections are welcome at
@@@ <oracle-web@cs.indiana.edu>, though I'm probably already aware of
@@@ many of the site's current deficiencies.
@@@
@@@ Enjoy!                                                      Steve

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1212
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1212  62 votes 3dkh9 1dmj7 9jl94 bnf85 acie8 cko51 39ni9 3dhib 3aue5 adeh8
1212  3.0 mean  3.3   3.3   2.7   2.6   3.0   2.4   3.3   3.3   3.1   3.0


1212-01    (3dkh9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sing to the Oracle, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful
> acts, or maybe the Oracle would prefer a worshiper with a real job
> and a steady pay check!
>
> Where will be the worse places to vacation this summer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TOP TEN WORST PLAC^H^H^H^H^W^WOh no you don't.  I refuse to fall into
} that sort of trap.  You're going to deliver a semi-serious sort-of
} humourous type of answer-type thing if I have to strap down the home
} office of Delphi and beat it about the collar.  Got that?
}
} Good.
}
} Now, where were we?  Ah, yes: travel destinations.
}
} Well, the sun is definitely out.  What with the intense heat
} and^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^WDammit man, you've got to pay attention.
} None of these extra-terrestrial locales.  Even if the supplicant is an
} alien life-form, they already *know* that Mercury is hot that time of
} year, and that Pluto is only good if you've run out of suntan lotion.
} And a solar vacation is just plain impossible.  So let's try to stick
} to Earth, shall we?
}
} Now, try again.
}
} With the fall of the Fifth Reich, you might
} think^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^WNot again.  THIS Earth, THIS timeline, THIS
} reality.  No use showing off your omnipotence if you go and confuse
} everyone you talk to.
}
} One more try.
}
} Well, I don't know about places, plural, but I do know that I made a
} bad choice when I decided to take some time off to visit the Oracular
} Temple here in Indiana.  These damn priests are everywhere, and they
} barely let you finish an answer without^C^C^C^C^C^CNO CARRIER


1212-02    (1dmj7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most secretive yet oddly accessible Oracle,
>
> Can I sue Yahweh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    No, I'm afraid not.
}
}    Firstly, the navel is a design feature, not a bug. While it may only
} serve to collect lint and itch in your case, it has bought immeasurable
} pleasure to mankind when featured on the likes of, say, Jennifer Lopez.
}
}    Secondly, the appendix is a design feature, not a bug. Humanity has
} ignored the instruction "Thou shall not kill" and adopted a omnivorous
} existence. If you had been vegetarians, as the Creator commanded, it'd
} be busy breaking down cellulose. Yahweh cannot be held responsible
} for failure to operate according to instructions.
}
}    Thirdly, the arch of the foot is a design feature, not a bug. Sore
} feet forced mankind to invent chairs, which begat desks, which begat
} desk computers, which begat the Internet, which gave me a home.
} And the Oracle is the pinnacle of Yahweh's creation.
}
}    Lastly, dental caries are a design feature, not a bug. In the Old
} Testament, Yahweh was restricted to either futile pleading or striking
} people dead with thunder bolts. With the coming of the New Testament
} and modern dentistry, he can also threaten people with biting down with
} their fillings on aluminium, thus greatly increasing the flexibility
} of Divine Wrath.
}
}    I'm afraid you're out of luck. And don't even *think* of blaming
} George W Bush on the Big Kahuna - he's strictly the responsibility
} of the Other Side.


1212-03    (9jl94 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do all my good answers get ignored and all my crap answers get
> digested?  I don't get it!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not total crap.  That's what's left when it gets digested.
}
} sending parts of sentences to you in


1212-04    (bnf85 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sorry, Orrie, but your 10000 years are up, and it's my turn now.
> Please leave the premises immediately and precede to Oracular
> debriefing.  Oh, and make sure you leave Lisa.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle grins to himself. This is an old joke, but he never gets
} tired of it. With an elegant handwave, he flicks on a screen. A
} beautiful view of static appears. Slightly annoyed, the Oracle hits
} the screen twice on the side, and an image appears. A subtitle reads
} 'Alternate Future 24-G-xvwm9302-0945fct'. The scene is the High Office
} of the Oracle, but something about it is completely wrong.
}
} Maybe it's the lifesize picture of a caribou against the setting sun
} that does it. Or the beer cap collection which, having covered most of
} the console already, has started its successful conquest of the
} floorspace. It could also be the lynchmob of sizzling priests that are
} surrounding something small and shivering, cowering under the desk.
}
} "Explain yourself!" exclaims one of them, a stately priest wearing a
} headband with 'Viva Zadoc!' on it. The figure under the desk mutter
} something. "What do you MEAN, warned us about the earthquake? Any
} idiot could do that!" The victim furiously mutters something more.
} "Listen, buster, we don't CARE about your correct predictions of wars,
} famines, lottery numbers, ear and neck disease, alien invasion, Bill
} Gates' death, the rise of Atlantis, the decrease of geeks, the return
} of..." he is suddenly stopped as a door comes open with a bang. Lisa,
} voluptous as ever in a tight leather outfit, gives them all a furious
} scowl. "I'm off, then," she says, turns around, and slams the door
} behind her again. Several of the priests faint, the rest acquire
} murderous glares one would previously have assumed them incapable of.
}
} "You can't hurt me! I have the Staff of Zot! I can Zot to ashes
} whoever tries to lay hand on me," squeals the person beneath the desk.
} "Zot all you like, impostor," the spokespriest replies. "We are many,
} and have been equipped for the occasion with the power of Toz. Someone
} open the window, please."
}
} As he soars through the air, the soon-to-be-pulp asks himself how he
} could have failed. He knew everything! He had learned all possible
} futures for the next hundred years. He had memorised the fates of
} everyone with more than a 10% chance of seeking him. He had repeated
} the word 'Zot' to himself 500 times every night. What, oh what, could
} he have done wrong?
}
} The picture freezes on this face from which so many thoughts can be
} read. The Oracle chuckles. "I'm afraid the deal is impossible,
} supplicant," he says good-humouredly to the screen. "You may be
} skillful, witty and wise. But only the truly omniscient knows the way
} to Lisa's G-spot."
}
} You owe the Oracle a magnified photo of that expression. But hold the
} bottle caps, please.


1212-05    (acie8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <Casey>Think of a question, think of a question, dammit!
> <Christian> One minute, okay, jeez, I'll get one.
> <Casey> why are we here anyway, this thing is pointless
> <Christian>Listen, do you want to send him a question or not ... come
> on, it'll be funny
> <Casey> Don't write that down, your making me sound bad ... here give
> it to me
>
> <Struggle Ensues>
>
> Ah hah, now I have the keyboard ... mwahahahahahahaha
> hahaha. and I can ask anything I want .... hmmmmm
>
> Oh, I know ... how much wood could a---
>
> <Struggle Ensues>
>
> <Christian>No, don't type the woodch*ck question, it's evil in it's
> purest form, like Microsoft and MIME format
>
> <Casey> Well then, what should I ask?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} -No grovel! ZOT them! ZOT them!
} -No, make a Sybil joke!
} -What? No, that's stupid, besides I'd get dragged into that whole
}  alternate mythos thing all over again.
} -Give them a clever one-liner, like.... like... okay never mind.
} -ZOT them, I tell you!
} -Oh go ZOT yourself, you idiot.
} -Sex joke! Make a sex joke!
} -Enough with the sex jokes, what are you, twelve?
} -Look, we really ought to try and be a little funny.
} -Then YOU come up with an answer, Einstein!
} -I thought of a one-liner! Tell them it's ... no that sucks never mind
} -Make like a banana and split!
} -What? That's just incoherent.
} -All your personality disorders are belong to us!
} -That's finally dying out and you want to revive it?
} -Sex jokes are very popular, you know.
} -So? Go set up the Internet Pornacle.
} -Og bash with club!
} -There are very few extant / multi-brained Supplicants...
} -The Three Faces of Thag!
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for Multiple Incarnation Disorder.


1212-06    (cko51 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm looking for a medium term investment, and long-odds betting looks
> attractive. Could you let me in on some of the more improbable winners
> of major televised sporting events in, say, the next twenty years?
>
> SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
> only to get screwed and die in the end. - anon.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure. As you may have guessed, supplicant, the NFL is on its way out,
} to be replaced by the fresh, new XFL. Viewers decide that as long as
} they have something *new* to watch, they can put up with the ineptitude
} of the current teams, at least until the XFL gets more money and is
} able to attract the better players.
}
} By 2003, the NFL will be relegated to a sideshow on channel 1723
} (standard with the UltiMegaExpanded Viewing Package from your local
} cable company). The XFL will reorganize its teams in this year, tossing
} out a lot of the older players, the most flamboyant of whom will go on
} to make it small in the movie industry, starring in the kind of
} low-budget flicks that tend to be available in your local video store
} for a week or two, if you know where to look for them. The XFL, knowing
} the average attention span of its viewers, will reorganize its teams
} every six months, producing some interesting match-ups.
}
} The winners for each year (for the 2003-2010 period) will be:
}
}       2003: The San Francisco Raging Red Tigers
}       2004: The Austin Undertakers
}       2005: The Conestoga Catfish (who would have thought?)
}       2006: The San Francisco Raging Red Tigers
}       2007: The Dallas Hookers (the cheerleaders get their own team)
}       2008: The Salisbury Superheroes (XFL/Marvel Comics crossover year)
}       2009: The Dustin Dynamite Deathstroke
}       2010: The Klingons (XFL/WorldCon crossover year)
}
} You owe the Oracle 10% of your winnings.


1212-07    (39ni9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm interested in getting a job as a spontaneous combuster.  I've
> always thought it'd be really cool, but all my friends say it's a
> dead end job with no chance of promotion.  What are my prospects?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant... everyone that I know that has entered this job has been
} fired unexpectedly, so it's not the sort of field I'd be burning to
} get into.  Still, even the Oracle can't predict if one day this might
} explode into the hot new field of the 21st century, so if you're
} the sort that likes to take risks (and judging from that party last
} weekend, I'd stay that's a 'yes'), go for it.
}
} Oh, and watch out for the union... they're a bunch of ashholes.
}
} You owe the Oracle some charcoal and 1000 PSI's worth of pressure.


1212-08    (3dhib dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Turns out that there is a massive conspiracy against me at work.
> People are always sneering at me under cover of fake smiles, and
> making rude comments like, "Hey you, stop pinching my bottom!", or,
> "Your habitual absenteeism will get you fired someday" (why do they
> care about my religion?  Isn't that illegal?)  This recently came to
> a crisis point when my boss grumbled "working with you is a trial";
> and I'm not even a lawyer!  I'm CERTAINLY not going to give that
> moron any legal advice.
>
> The obvious conclusion, which I reached last night, is that they ...
> must ... PAAAAAAAAAAY!  So where do I go from here?  BTW, I am a
> pacifist and a vegan, so the more traditional outlets for employee
> dissatisfaction are pretty much out.
>
> Please advise.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The pacifist knows that physical pain is secondary, indeed, incidental,
} to pain of the spirit. Thus, violence is eschewed lest by inflicting
} physical pain the aggressor is more fundamentally wounded in spirit.
} Your philosophy, therefore, rather than limiting your retributive
} options, expands them immeasurably. Your belief in higher forms of
} pain gives rise to the notion that such pain might be intentionally
} inflicted. Being a disgruntled pacifist lets you skip the more mundane
} physical mayhem and move right up to doing some serious spirit harm.
}
} Feeling a lofty, condescending sort of concern for my supplicant,
} I feel compelled to warn that a consciousness of your unparalleled
} hypocrisy in disdaining physical violence while intentionally
} committing more essential offenses could inflict upon you inestimable
} remorse and self-loathing. Also, from the description of your
} interaction with co-workers, it seems that a little self-examination
} may lead you to conclude that you are already inflicting record
} amounts of spiritual harm on your colleagues, just by being you.
}
} In your case, however, self-awareness seems like a pretty remote
} danger. Here, then, are a few morsels of metaphysical meanness to
} stimulate your stunted, spiteful supplicant soul.
}
} 1) Befriend an OSHA advocate, an IRS auditor and an SEC investigator.
} (They will like you.) Commiserate with each of them,  "off the record,"
} about the business practices of your company.
}
} 2) Subscribe to all of the alt.conspiracy newsgroups, and auto-forward
} the postings to your company's Everyone list.
}
} 3) Notify your boss and the company's Safe Workplace advocate that,
} personally, you are offended by people inhaling, exhaling and blinking
} where you can see them. Frequently quote lengthy sections of the
} company's sexual harassment policy verbatim.
}
} 4) Every time someone leaves their desk, stick a post-it note on
} their monitor that says "Where have you been?" signed with the boss'
} first name. Readjust the height of their chair while you are there.
}
} 5) Use duct tape on the carpet to define your "personal space."
} Insist people get your permission before crossing it. Make sure your
} space takes up half of the adjoining hallway.
}
} 6) During lunch, pop lots of microwave popcorn and dump a little in
} everyone's garbage containers.
}
} 7) After each staff meeting, stand up, smile, throw your arms wide
} and say, "Group hug!"
}
} 8) Anonymously inform Human Resources of your department's need for
} Sensitivity Training on various topics: Halitosis, Food Phobias,
} Makeup Thickness of Choice, etc.
}
} 9) Confide the following to various colleagues: "<one co-worker>
} just told me that <another co-worker> just bought a gun! Why would
} <he/she> need one of those?"
}
} 10) Get yourself promoted to management.
}
} You owe the Oracle a photocopy of your blighted little conscience.


1212-09    (3aue5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grand Oracle, whose wit is faster than a rail gun and whose
> ideas are more weighty than a depleted uranium slug,
>
> Is organized crime better than random violence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  They both have their pros and cons. The Oracle has always been
} a fan of organized crime, ever since Alexander the Great made it
} respectable.
}  The best thing about random violence is the hours. You get to pick
} your own, and sometimes the pay is pretty good. The drawback to random
} violence is that there's no health insurance. A free agent criminal
} mastermind has to fend for him/herself, unless he/she can extort or
} threaten a doctor or hospital into treating his/her wounds.
}  Organized crime has many benefits. Health care, comraderie, good
} chances for promotion and basic group protection from other criminal
} elements. Its main drawback is angering a co-worker, which can get
} you knee-capped or dead.
}  The Oracle suggests you attend a local Crime-Fair, and speak to
} the representatives of the various factions, families and cartels who
} may offer you a career. Or you might try freelancing for awhile (try
} some B & Es, a little counterfeiting or perhaps try and get elected)
} to see if it suits you.
}  The Oracle wishes you luck in your job choice. He knows you'll do
} well.  Crime does pay. Ask any public official.


1212-10    (adeh8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Charles M. Hannum" <abuse@spamalicious.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most vigilant and scrutinizing,
>
> Which star has the best underwear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The morning star, Venus.


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