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1213, 1213-01, 1213-02, 1213-03, 1213-04, 1213-05, 1213-06, 1213-07, 1213-08, 1213-09, 1213-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are a -riot-! I mean it, when ever I read your words I > laugh and laugh so much that milk I drank days before shoots out my > nose! > > Have you ever had to recall an answer that contained defective parts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission } Office of Information and Public Affairs } Washington, DC 20207 } } FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE } April 2, 2001                                        CONTACT: J. Random } Incarnation } Release # 01-666 } } CPSC, Internet Oracle Announce Recall of Defective Answers } } WASHINGTON, D.C. - In cooperation with the U.S. Consumer Product Safety } Commission (CPSC), The Internet Oracle, of Bloomington, Indiana, is } voluntarily recalling several recent answers deemed to be "below } average, and in some cases, just really, really, stupid".  If } accidentally read by persons with reasonable standards of humor and good } taste, these answers can cause disgust, nausea, and in extreme cases, } projectile vomiting. } } CPSC and The Internet Oracle are not aware of any actual injuries } involving these answers, allegations to the contrary in certain Usenet } newsgroups notwithstanding. This recall is being conducted to prevent } the possibility of injury, insults, and nasty letters to Stephen B. } Kinzler. } } A few of the desperately pathetic answers involved are: } Answer #QnAaqMu:  In which the question "This space intentionally left } blank" was answered with "This answer intentionally left humorless." } Answer #QmmaOxv: consisting of a parody of Zero Wing, set to the tune of } "Yesterday". It will not be quoted here. } Answer #QFjaOLp: "Top Ten Worst Times To Say "Ooops, I think I dropped } something"" } Answer #QQRayXc: involving a bear joke shamelessly cribbed from } rec.backcountry. } } Many more answers are involved in the recall, the full list of which can } be obtained by emailing the Internet Oracle with the subject line "tell } me why I'm doing this again?". } } Furthermore, the Internet Oracle has issued a formal apology for 1212-5, } which seemed like a good idea at the time, but probably wasn't. } } A recall notice for THIS answer will be issued as soon as it is sent. } } ### } } You owe the Oracle a better way to do product testing than repeatedly } crashing into a wall.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Brave Oracle, I have read every digest and am blue on days > that there is not a new one, I would be tickled pink if you would > answer this for be; > > Why shouldn't I lie like crazy on a first date?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go ahead.  This is a common practice amongst the Dervishes of North } West India.  As soon as the first date ripens on the palm and falls to } the ground there is a major skirmish between the young men of the tribe } to see who can lie on it first.  It certainly gets a little crazy, I } can tell you. } } Other fun things with fruit can be found at numerous web sites try } searching melons or cucumbers for instance. } } You owe the oracle the unexpurgated version of the Samoan banana rites } (for anthropological study only, of course).

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > Your question was: > > > > > What's your definition of free?  Free as in free beer, free speech, > > > free love, or free willy? > > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > > > } Free as in Fritos(R). > > } > > } You owe the Oracle a frosty mug, a meaningful discourse, an > > } indication as to where hell Lisa is right now, and a nice > > } plate of Ahi. > > Sorry, O Omniscient Oracle (O^3), but exactly WTF is Ahi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahi is the earlier version of abye, chronologically speaking. } It's less formal than ahello, or agoodmorning (which is only served } on special occations). A common treat for tourists to Australia is } a good plateful of ag'day. Some foreigners are thought to indulge in } such foreign treats as abonjour, however this may just be a rumour. } } You owe the Oracle an apology for not reading the bit of the Oracle } FAQ where it states that every question is sent to a different person.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So I'm on a blind date with a cute 22 year old who's a first year > law student.  I'm a 25 year old software engineer.  After a mediocre > date, I call her and the next morning, she emails me, apologizing for > not calling back, saying she got in late because she was studying. > I call her that day, and she says she'll be visiting her folks this > weekend, but to call her next week so we can get together.  I leave her > a message the following week, and she emails me saying that because > she's in law school and I'm in the real world, we couldn't possibly > have enough in common?  What's up with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She's sending you signals about what she really wants.  She wants to } be pursued.  She wants you to keep turning up everywhere she is - in } the grocery store, at the post office, on the street where you "just } happen" to be walking to the same place as her.  Keep up with the phone } calls, letters, and emails.  If she asks you to stop, pleads with you } to stop, orders you to stop, that's just part of her game.  Keep it up. } You'll know she's _really_ playing hard to get when you get served } with a restraining order.  Don't be fazed;  you're getting close. } } This is how you are destined to land the love of your life, your } soul-mate, your cell-mate.  His name is Dwayne. } } You owe the Oracle her phone number.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No no no! For the last time - you cut the red wire firs... *BOOM*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dang, I had no idea crimson Christmas trees were so dynamic.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are methods for preventing Foot And Mouth disease from spreading?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      - NEWSFLASH - Greater Eurasia - Oracular Press Syndicate - } } Scientists and biologists were astonished today when it was discovered } that the most recent livestock found to have the dreaded so-called Foot } and Mouth disease also had internet access. } } "This explains a lot, actually," said one scientist who asked to remain } anonymous.  "We've always wondered how this disease keeps popping up } even though we kill every beast that so much as looks like it has it } and burn the remains.  Now we know." } } "I didn't think nothin' of it at the time," said the farmer who housed } the net-surfing animals.  "But come to think of it, I suppose it -was- } a mite odd that Betsy was so keen on returning to the barn every night. } I just never suspected she wanted to check her e-mail." } } Betsy wasn't the only one using the barn-based computer.  Over ninety } animals, ranging from sheep to goats to cows and horses had been using } the same account, running almost constantly from dusk 'til dawn. } } "The question that gets to me," said the farmer's wife, "is how they } got the computer in the first place ... much less the phone line.  They } could've ordered it over the 'net, I suppose, but it's just one of } those chicken and the egg things, I guess." } } A detailed analysis of the computer reveals it's a top-of-the-line 1.3 } GHz computer with well over a full gigabyte of memory.  By looking at } the cookies and download files, technicians have been able to ascertain } that Foot and Mouth disease is actually a signature virus embedded in } livestock e-mail. } } "They sign up for a free e-mail account," says one tech, "and before } you know it they're getting e-mail from everywhere.  Spammers, } webmasters of bestiality sites, that sort of thing.  It's only natural } that sooner or later someone would end up e-mailing them this virus." } } Biologists aren't sure how the virus transmits from computers to } animals, but they state that this isn't really the issue.  "The fact } is, it happens," says one.  "And now not only do we have to destroy all } the animals that have this disease, but every computer within a } five-mile radius -- just to be safe, let's make that ten miles.  Yes. } Ten miles sounds good." } } Officials are currently searching all previous locations of Foot and } Mouth Disease sightings for more high-tech hardware.  Seven additional } computers have been found, usually hidden in haylofts.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  dear oracle, whose socks smell sweeter than two roses- > >  why must i be a teenager in love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because if you were in your twenties you'd be in lust. } Because if you were in your thirties you'd be in wedlock. } Because if you were in your forties you'd be in an affair. } Because if you were in your fifties you'd be out of breath. } Because if you were in your sixties you'd out of luck. } Because if you were in your seventies you'd be out of it. } } You owe the Oracle an "In `n Out" burger.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yes, I'll take "Places Zadoc Cowers In" for 400, please, Alex.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's an Audio Daily Double! How much will you wager? } }    $500 Alex. } } That'll move you into first place if you can identify the cowering } place from this recording. } } ~zot~ } } >>>>>><<<<<< } >>WHOOOF<< } >>>>>><<<<<< } } araaaaaaaaaarrrghhhh!!!!!!  >FLAPPA FLAPPA FLAPPA< } *CRASH* } aaaaayyyyyyyeeeeeeeee!!!  ___WHOOSH____WHOOSH___ }  <SLAP>yow!<SLAP>yipe!<SLAP>aaaghhh! } >FLAPPA FLAPPA FLAPPA< } #SPA-LOOSH# ahhh...... } BzzzzZZZZT aaaarrghhh!! BzzzzZZZZT yyyaahhh!! BzzzzZZZZT aakk!! } } ...gurgle.........  ^SPLASH^ ....... gurgle......... >BLOOP< } }    What is under the pile of oily rags next to the electric eel tank? } } That's correct.  You are now in the lead with $1700. } }    I'll take Priestly Perversions for $100 Alex

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Financially Prudent, > > I read today that $10 trillion dollars had been wiped off the value of > the US stock-market in the recent declines. > > Where has it gone ? > Can I have some ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You do realize, that when they say "had been wiped off", they really } mean "had been divided between us, the CEO:s of the banks, and the } occasional journalist who discovers our secret". Trust me, I'm } omnipotent. } } So, how do you do to get some of that money? Well, there's three } options: }    1. Become CEO of a important bank. } 1a. You better start this career early, in say, Kindergarten: When } playing with the other children, insist that you should always be } the bank and take care of their money. If they forget that they've } given their money to you, don't tell anyone. } 1b. 4rd Grade: Start lending your classmates money. Be sure to get a } lot of revenue. } 1c. College: Choose a financial college. As step 1a and b still } applies, and to everyone, this is going to be a hell. } 1d. Start working in a bank as a clerk. advance slowly, carefully. } Make sure no one understands what you are doing. } 1e. When getting higher in the bank title race, use bribes. Don't } worry, you'll get the money back later. } 1f. Pretty soon you'll be at the top. Remember to start early. }    2. Become journalist. } 2a. School: Write. A lot. If you don't get an A* in English, tell } everyone what a bad teacher you have. } 2b. Harass your local newspaper with articles. } 2c. Harass the popular newspapers with articles. } 2d. Start writing something serious. } 2e. Get a job at a local newspaper. } 2f. Find out about The Truth. Get bribed. }    3. Become bank robber. } 3a. Get a skier's mask. } 3b. Get a gun. } 3c. Rob. } } Of course, others has tried before you. Not many has succeeded. I } wish you luck, brave mortal. Oh, and you owe the Oracle the 6 } trillions that still isn't in his possession.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle who *KNOWS* that Gladiator never deserved "Best > Picture" > > I know you're always right and I've never doubted that.  But lately, > I've been listening to this Limbaugh guy on the AM radio... > He seems to think he's omniscient as well.  I think he's a mortal, > but I'm confused.  Please help me out of my intellectual dilemna. > I was going to start thinking for myself this month, but I've decided > it would be better to ask you instead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And it's a darn good thing you did, too. The U.S. economy would be in } grave danger if it wasn't for people like you. } } For example, what would today's SUV drivers be driving instead?  Cheap } little imported commuter cars with good gas mileage. Which would spell } trouble for truck manufacturers, insurance companies, cattle ranchers } (leather seats, you know), and petroleum companies. } } What would people be wearing these days? Sensible clothes that look } good, fit well, last for years, and use natural fibers. Which would be } a problem for clothing retailers, fashion designers, high tech shoe } manufacturers, and petroleum companies. } } And what would people be eating? FOOD! There go the vitamin supplement } vendors, sugar cane growers, salt mines, tap water resellers, the } entire health care industry, and petroleum companies. } } As you can see, it is your patriotic duty to do what those nice people } on the radio (and if at all possible, television) tell you to do. } America thanks you, my friend!