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Internet Oracularities #1213

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Internet Oracularities #1213    (60 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 07 Apr 2001 19:21:25 -0500 (EST)

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in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1213
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1213  60 votes 3cgib 2ase6 7eqd0 2ajo5 9mda6 1emf8 6fna6 3cdhf 3qp60 4akj7
1213  3.1 mean  3.4   3.2   2.8   3.3   2.7   3.2   2.9   3.5   2.6   3.2


1213-01    (3cgib dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are a -riot-! I mean it, when ever I read your words I
> laugh and laugh so much that milk I drank days before shoots out my
> nose!
>
> Have you ever had to recall an answer that contained defective parts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission
} Office of Information and Public Affairs
} Washington, DC 20207
}
} FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
} April 2, 2001                                        CONTACT: J. Random
} Incarnation
} Release # 01-666
}
} CPSC, Internet Oracle Announce Recall of Defective Answers
}
} WASHINGTON, D.C. - In cooperation with the U.S. Consumer Product Safety
} Commission (CPSC), The Internet Oracle, of Bloomington, Indiana, is
} voluntarily recalling several recent answers deemed to be "below
} average, and in some cases, just really, really, stupid".  If
} accidentally read by persons with reasonable standards of humor and good
} taste, these answers can cause disgust, nausea, and in extreme cases,
} projectile vomiting.
}
} CPSC and The Internet Oracle are not aware of any actual injuries
} involving these answers, allegations to the contrary in certain Usenet
} newsgroups notwithstanding. This recall is being conducted to prevent
} the possibility of injury, insults, and nasty letters to Stephen B.
} Kinzler.
}
} A few of the desperately pathetic answers involved are:
} Answer #QnAaqMu:  In which the question "This space intentionally left
} blank" was answered with "This answer intentionally left humorless."
} Answer #QmmaOxv: consisting of a parody of Zero Wing, set to the tune of
} "Yesterday". It will not be quoted here.
} Answer #QFjaOLp: "Top Ten Worst Times To Say "Ooops, I think I dropped
} something""
} Answer #QQRayXc: involving a bear joke shamelessly cribbed from
} rec.backcountry.
}
} Many more answers are involved in the recall, the full list of which can
} be obtained by emailing the Internet Oracle with the subject line "tell
} me why I'm doing this again?".
}
} Furthermore, the Internet Oracle has issued a formal apology for 1212-5,
} which seemed like a good idea at the time, but probably wasn't.
}
} A recall notice for THIS answer will be issued as soon as it is sent.
}
} ###
}
} You owe the Oracle a better way to do product testing than repeatedly
} crashing into a wall.


1213-02    (2ase6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Brave Oracle, I have read every digest and am blue on days
> that there is not a new one, I would be tickled pink if you would
> answer this for be;
>
> Why shouldn't I lie like crazy on a first date?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go ahead.  This is a common practice amongst the Dervishes of North
} West India.  As soon as the first date ripens on the palm and falls to
} the ground there is a major skirmish between the young men of the tribe
} to see who can lie on it first.  It certainly gets a little crazy, I
} can tell you.
}
} Other fun things with fruit can be found at numerous web sites try
} searching melons or cucumbers for instance.
}
} You owe the oracle the unexpurgated version of the Samoan banana rites
} (for anthropological study only, of course).


1213-03    (7eqd0 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > Your question was:
> >
> > > What's your definition of free?  Free as in free beer, free speech,
> > > free love, or free willy?
> >
> > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> >
> > } Free as in Fritos(R).
> > }
> > } You owe the Oracle a frosty mug, a meaningful discourse, an
> > } indication as to where hell Lisa is right now, and a nice
> > } plate of Ahi.
>
> Sorry, O Omniscient Oracle (O^3), but exactly WTF is Ahi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahi is the earlier version of abye, chronologically speaking.
} It's less formal than ahello, or agoodmorning (which is only served
} on special occations). A common treat for tourists to Australia is
} a good plateful of ag'day. Some foreigners are thought to indulge in
} such foreign treats as abonjour, however this may just be a rumour.
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology for not reading the bit of the Oracle
} FAQ where it states that every question is sent to a different person.


1213-04    (2ajo5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So I'm on a blind date with a cute 22 year old who's a first year
> law student.  I'm a 25 year old software engineer.  After a mediocre
> date, I call her and the next morning, she emails me, apologizing for
> not calling back, saying she got in late because she was studying.
> I call her that day, and she says she'll be visiting her folks this
> weekend, but to call her next week so we can get together.  I leave her
> a message the following week, and she emails me saying that because
> she's in law school and I'm in the real world, we couldn't possibly
> have enough in common?  What's up with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She's sending you signals about what she really wants.  She wants to
} be pursued.  She wants you to keep turning up everywhere she is - in
} the grocery store, at the post office, on the street where you "just
} happen" to be walking to the same place as her.  Keep up with the phone
} calls, letters, and emails.  If she asks you to stop, pleads with you
} to stop, orders you to stop, that's just part of her game.  Keep it up.
} You'll know she's _really_ playing hard to get when you get served
} with a restraining order.  Don't be fazed;  you're getting close.
}
} This is how you are destined to land the love of your life, your
} soul-mate, your cell-mate.  His name is Dwayne.
}
} You owe the Oracle her phone number.


1213-05    (9mda6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No no no! For the last time - you cut the red wire firs... *BOOM*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dang, I had no idea crimson Christmas trees were so dynamic.


1213-06    (1emf8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are methods for preventing Foot And Mouth disease from spreading?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      - NEWSFLASH - Greater Eurasia - Oracular Press Syndicate -
}
} Scientists and biologists were astonished today when it was discovered
} that the most recent livestock found to have the dreaded so-called Foot
} and Mouth disease also had internet access.
}
} "This explains a lot, actually," said one scientist who asked to remain
} anonymous.  "We've always wondered how this disease keeps popping up
} even though we kill every beast that so much as looks like it has it
} and burn the remains.  Now we know."
}
} "I didn't think nothin' of it at the time," said the farmer who housed
} the net-surfing animals.  "But come to think of it, I suppose it -was-
} a mite odd that Betsy was so keen on returning to the barn every night.
} I just never suspected she wanted to check her e-mail."
}
} Betsy wasn't the only one using the barn-based computer.  Over ninety
} animals, ranging from sheep to goats to cows and horses had been using
} the same account, running almost constantly from dusk 'til dawn.
}
} "The question that gets to me," said the farmer's wife, "is how they
} got the computer in the first place ... much less the phone line.  They
} could've ordered it over the 'net, I suppose, but it's just one of
} those chicken and the egg things, I guess."
}
} A detailed analysis of the computer reveals it's a top-of-the-line 1.3
} GHz computer with well over a full gigabyte of memory.  By looking at
} the cookies and download files, technicians have been able to ascertain
} that Foot and Mouth disease is actually a signature virus embedded in
} livestock e-mail.
}
} "They sign up for a free e-mail account," says one tech, "and before
} you know it they're getting e-mail from everywhere.  Spammers,
} webmasters of bestiality sites, that sort of thing.  It's only natural
} that sooner or later someone would end up e-mailing them this virus."
}
} Biologists aren't sure how the virus transmits from computers to
} animals, but they state that this isn't really the issue.  "The fact
} is, it happens," says one.  "And now not only do we have to destroy all
} the animals that have this disease, but every computer within a
} five-mile radius -- just to be safe, let's make that ten miles.  Yes.
} Ten miles sounds good."
}
} Officials are currently searching all previous locations of Foot and
} Mouth Disease sightings for more high-tech hardware.  Seven additional
} computers have been found, usually hidden in haylofts.


1213-07    (6fna6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  dear oracle, whose socks smell sweeter than two roses-
>
>  why must i be a teenager in love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because if you were in your twenties you'd be in lust.
} Because if you were in your thirties you'd be in wedlock.
} Because if you were in your forties you'd be in an affair.
} Because if you were in your fifties you'd be out of breath.
} Because if you were in your sixties you'd out of luck.
} Because if you were in your seventies you'd be out of it.
}
} You owe the Oracle an "In `n Out" burger.


1213-08    (3cdhf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Charles M. Hannum" <abuse@spamalicious.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yes, I'll take "Places Zadoc Cowers In" for 400, please, Alex.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's an Audio Daily Double! How much will you wager?
}
}    $500 Alex.
}
} That'll move you into first place if you can identify the cowering
} place from this recording.
}
} ~zot~
}
} >>>>>><<<<<<
} >>WHOOOF<<
} >>>>>><<<<<<
}
} araaaaaaaaaarrrghhhh!!!!!!  >FLAPPA FLAPPA FLAPPA<
} *CRASH*
} aaaaayyyyyyyeeeeeeeee!!!  ___WHOOSH____WHOOSH___
}  <SLAP>yow!<SLAP>yipe!<SLAP>aaaghhh!
} >FLAPPA FLAPPA FLAPPA<
} #SPA-LOOSH# ahhh......
} BzzzzZZZZT aaaarrghhh!! BzzzzZZZZT yyyaahhh!! BzzzzZZZZT aakk!!
}
} ...gurgle.........  ^SPLASH^ ....... gurgle......... >BLOOP<
}
}    What is under the pile of oily rags next to the electric eel tank?
}
} That's correct.  You are now in the lead with $1700.
}
}    I'll take Priestly Perversions for $100 Alex


1213-09    (3qp60 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Financially Prudent,
>
> I read today that $10 trillion dollars had been wiped off the value of
> the US stock-market in the recent declines.
>
> Where has it gone ?
> Can I have some ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You do realize, that when they say "had been wiped off", they really
} mean "had been divided between us, the CEO:s of the banks, and the
} occasional journalist who discovers our secret". Trust me, I'm
} omnipotent.
}
} So, how do you do to get some of that money? Well, there's three
} options:
}    1. Become CEO of a important bank.
} 1a. You better start this career early, in say, Kindergarten: When
} playing with the other children, insist that you should always be
} the bank and take care of their money. If they forget that they've
} given their money to you, don't tell anyone.
} 1b. 4rd Grade: Start lending your classmates money. Be sure to get a
} lot of revenue.
} 1c. College: Choose a financial college. As step 1a and b still
} applies, and to everyone, this is going to be a hell.
} 1d. Start working in a bank as a clerk. advance slowly, carefully.
} Make sure no one understands what you are doing.
} 1e. When getting higher in the bank title race, use bribes. Don't
} worry, you'll get the money back later.
} 1f. Pretty soon you'll be at the top. Remember to start early.
}    2. Become journalist.
} 2a. School: Write. A lot. If you don't get an A* in English, tell
} everyone what a bad teacher you have.
} 2b. Harass your local newspaper with articles.
} 2c. Harass the popular newspapers with articles.
} 2d. Start writing something serious.
} 2e. Get a job at a local newspaper.
} 2f. Find out about The Truth. Get bribed.
}    3. Become bank robber.
} 3a. Get a skier's mask.
} 3b. Get a gun.
} 3c. Rob.
}
} Of course, others has tried before you. Not many has succeeded. I
} wish you luck, brave mortal. Oh, and you owe the Oracle the 6
} trillions that still isn't in his possession.


1213-10    (4akj7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Charles M. Hannum" <abuse@spamalicious.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle who *KNOWS* that Gladiator never deserved "Best
> Picture"
>
> I know you're always right and I've never doubted that.  But lately,
> I've been listening to this Limbaugh guy on the AM radio...
> He seems to think he's omniscient as well.  I think he's a mortal,
> but I'm confused.  Please help me out of my intellectual dilemna.
> I was going to start thinking for myself this month, but I've decided
> it would be better to ask you instead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And it's a darn good thing you did, too. The U.S. economy would be in
} grave danger if it wasn't for people like you.
}
} For example, what would today's SUV drivers be driving instead?  Cheap
} little imported commuter cars with good gas mileage. Which would spell
} trouble for truck manufacturers, insurance companies, cattle ranchers
} (leather seats, you know), and petroleum companies.
}
} What would people be wearing these days? Sensible clothes that look
} good, fit well, last for years, and use natural fibers. Which would be
} a problem for clothing retailers, fashion designers, high tech shoe
} manufacturers, and petroleum companies.
}
} And what would people be eating? FOOD! There go the vitamin supplement
} vendors, sugar cane growers, salt mines, tap water resellers, the
} entire health care industry, and petroleum companies.
}
} As you can see, it is your patriotic duty to do what those nice people
} on the radio (and if at all possible, television) tell you to do.
} America thanks you, my friend!


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