} [The Internet Oracle reaches for the Xanax, the Prozac, and a glass of
} Bushmills, and downs several of each, followed by a few deep, calming
} breaths. "We were all newbies once", reads the sign on the wall.]
} If you must email a photo, convert it to a jpeg, then use an image
} editing program (like GIMP) to crop and size it. Zip it after that to
} get it even smaller. Don't send it unless the recipient knows it's
} Even nicer, don't email the photo at all. Sign up for, and then upload
} it to some free web space and just email them the url.
} [A nerve in the Oracle's cheek (I'm not saying which cheek) is starting
} to twitch a little faster.]
} If you don't know how to do any of the above, then don't send the damn
} photo until you learn.
} [Several of the priests eye the Oracle nervously, and start backing
} And tell me, please tell me, that you possess, use, and regularly
} update your virus software. And that you don't forward email without
} trimming all the previous email addresses. And that you don't
} automatically forward every last stupid joke, urban legend, and fake
} virus alert THAT ENTERS YOUR FREAKIN' MAILBOX!
} [A sudden flash of light and fire illuminates the temple, charring the
} walls, furniture, and any priests with an insufficiently fast reaction
} time. A sign stating "The Oracle is on a short, temporary vacation;
} please check back again later" is discreetly placed on what's left of
} the desk.]
} You owe the Oracle more patience with novices.