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Internet Oracularities #1214

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Internet Oracularities #1214    (55 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 16 Apr 2001 11:57:14 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   1214
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1214  55 votes 18hhc 3and6 18gm8 68ji4 9dka3 4ciba 2gq83 47cfh akf73 7aedb
1214  3.1 mean  3.6   3.2   3.5   3.1   2.7   3.2   2.9   3.6   2.5   3.2


1214-01    (18hhc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I have forgotten how to grovel.  Once I was good at it, but
> constant exposure to your magnelephant mind and omniscient Omniscience
> have drained away my creative juices and whatever else it was that I
> used to put into my better grovels.  So here I am, as useless as the
> third elevator in a building that doesn't have a top floor, unable
> to form a good simile or even a good smile.
>
> Please give me some good grovel hints.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}              -= The Ten Rules of Groveling =-
}
} Rule #1: A grovel is -not- mandatory. Any incarnation that
}          blasts you for not groveling is a luser.
}
} Rule #2: ThinK "amusing". I need a laugh too. "You are wiser
}          than 800 sober leprechauns minutes before the beer
}          kegs are tapped" catches my attention and makes me
}          smile.
}
} Rule #3: If your grovel goes with the question it is esthetically
}          pleasing. "Wise Oracle whose intellect towers above
}          mere mortals' like a majestic redwood tree housing a
}          bald eagle's eyrie above a dead fern covered with
}          diseased blood sucking wood ticks" works for a question
}          about shrubbery.
}
} Rule #4: Don't mention The Oracle's body parts or fluids.
}          IN PARTICULAR I get so many grovels that mention
}          my toenail clippings it is creepy. There is a
}          difference between debasing yourself and groveling.
}          I don't want to read about your musings about Oracle
}          armpit sweat, that's gross not a grovel.
}
} Rule #5: Using the same grovel over and over again is a good
}          idea if you're boring. I know to zot anything that
}          starts "Wise Oracle who always knows where the remote
}          is" on sight. You'd think Mr. F***** would learn, but
}          Noooooo.
}
} Rule #6: There is no rule number six. See, even though you
}          knew that was coming it didn't bug you. Likewise
}          "Oracle most Wise" is fine as a grovel. People
}          find comfort in predictability.
}
} Rule #7: Counter psychology is not a good idea. You don't
}          like being threatened or abused, neither do I.
}          "Answer this now and no one gets hurt" is not
}          a good grovel.
}
} Rule #8: Don't make your grovel too long. Three lines is
}          pushing it. I do the jokes. You're the straight man.
}
} Rule #9: As always; SpeLcheK and poofred yur werk.?.
}
} Rule #10: There is no need to wait for me to ask for a
}           tribute. If you wish to show up and give me
}           a dump truck full of uncut rubies even before
}           asking your question I will not complain.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hard copy of this taped to your
} refrigerator.


1214-02    (3and6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is weird, Oracle, o marvelous specimen of supreme wisdom that you
> are...  my new wireless phone works great, except when I'm at home. Is
> it supposed to be that way?  If so, why doesn't it do that at the Post
> Office, where the bill gets sent to my PO box?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, apparently you've signed up for the "Everywhere But Here" plan,
} which is common to those who don't read the fine print.
}
} The premise behind such a plan is actually quite simple: you purchased
} a cell phone because you wish to be reached at all times, even in the
} middle of the night after you've had three too many drinks and a crisis
} emerged which you don't really think is a crisis but this is what you
} picked the bloody thing up for anyway so you might as well answer it,
} and do so in a hurry because it's almost shunted over to voice mail and
} hello there herman what seems to be the problem today don't you guys
} sleep?
}
} Rather than have -that-, which makes a lot of customers cancel their
} service, many cell phone companies have decided that a person's home is
} their castle.  As such, home should be the one place where, if someone
} wants to reach you, they have to call your land-line.  In the modern
} age of cell phones, pagers, e-mail and pretty much everything
} electronic, this option never even occurs to most folks, and so you're
} able to be left alone -- and, heaven forfend, actually missed -- when
} you're home.
}
} As the saying goes: "Necessity is one phone, Utility is two, luxury is
} three, and paradise is none."
}
} You owe the Oracle a day -- no, make that a week without a single ring
} of a phone.


1214-03    (18gm8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi.. Can you tell  me what the best format is  to send a photo by email
> is.. I was told to convert photo's to JPEGs but those seem to be really
> big.. is zipping the best thing to do or is there an extension I don't
> know about that is best.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The Internet Oracle reaches for the Xanax, the Prozac, and a glass of
} Bushmills, and downs several of each, followed by a few deep, calming
} breaths. "We were all newbies once", reads the sign on the wall.]
}
} If you must email a photo, convert it to a jpeg, then use an image
} editing program (like GIMP) to crop and size it. Zip it after that to
} get it even smaller.  Don't send it unless the recipient knows it's
} coming.
}
} Even nicer, don't email the photo at all. Sign up for, and then upload
} it to some free web space  and just email them the url.
}
} [A nerve in the Oracle's cheek (I'm not saying which cheek) is starting
} to twitch a little faster.]
}
} If you don't know how to do any of the above, then don't send the damn
} photo until you learn.
}
} [Several of the priests eye the Oracle nervously, and start backing
} away.]
}
} And tell me, please tell me, that you possess, use, and regularly
} update your virus software. And that you don't forward email without
} trimming all the previous email addresses. And that you don't
} automatically forward every last stupid joke, urban legend, and fake
} virus alert THAT ENTERS YOUR FREAKIN' MAILBOX!
}
} [A sudden flash of light and fire illuminates the temple, charring the
} walls, furniture, and any priests with an insufficiently fast reaction
} time. A sign stating "The Oracle is on a short, temporary vacation;
} please check back again later" is discreetly placed on what's left of
} the desk.]
}
} You owe the Oracle more patience with novices.


1214-04    (68ji4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  q?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Decompress question:
} Oh marvellous and wondrous Oracle who sees and knows all
} including the really nifty words that mean all-seeing and
} all-knowing that escape me right now...
}
} I have this question but I'm not sure if I should ask it.
} It's not like, a QUESTION capital Q through N, not even really
} a Question but simply a relatively small question. You know?
} Should I ask the question?
}
} Uncompressed answer:
} Yes, I know and more, I know that you know that I know the question
} you really wanted to ask but didn't. Unfortunately, I can't answer
} that question even though I know the question and I know that you
} want me to answer that question and not this question because, well,
} you asked this question instead.
}
} You owe the Oracle the question.
}
} Compressed answer:
} a.


1214-05    (9dka3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SOOOO Zadoc has slipped off with his brother zodac to conspire with
> woodchucks against YOU again..
> LONG LIVE THE WOODCHUCK QUESTION!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, well Zadoc also always castles too early. Absolutely, no sense
} of strategy. Zilch. Take this woodchuck thing for example, it turns
} out he's been allied with the woodchuks for almost 10 years and he's
} like all "look at me, I'm a conspiracy expert, I'm a gonna-mess-you-up
} Oracle no-man the whole time you thought I was your yes-man."
}
} Sigh... he's almost no fun when they play the game like this so I'll
} make it little bit more interesting by letting you in on a little
} secret plan I've been working on for oh, say the last hundred and
} fifty years called oh... global warming.
}
} Yep, my fault about the car and the factories and coal plants spewing
} out ozone destroying chemicals. Just a few well placed telegraphs
} and the whole thing was set in motion and let me tell you in fifty
} years being a woodchuck with a fur coat provided by mother nature is
} going to be pretty miserable. Throw in melting polar ice caps and the
} increase in mismanagement of woodlands and you know how much woods
} going to be left around for chopping? About zero.
}
} Who's laughing now Zadoc? Sure things will be a bit miserable for
} humanity but then again that's why I decided to conspire with the
} dolphins instead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice log cabin, the value on those babies is goin'
} through the roof soon.


1214-06    (4ciba dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle wise and kind,
>
> If I eat some vegetables will I really get a desert?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you eat enough of them, definitely.  However, it's faster if you
} burn them, as is being done in Brazil.
}
} You owe the Oracle a prequel to Time Bandits.


1214-07    (2gq83 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle with shiny teeth and clean ears,
>
> Why do some birds and some tortoises live longer than humans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well let's compare the lives of these beings:
}
} Birds/Tortoises                   Humans
} ----------------------------      -----------------------------
} A life of ease swimming or        A life of ease driving to work
} flying anywhere they want.        in traffic jams with Bubba and
}                                   his road rage to work to pay
}                                   taxes to avoid the IRS.
}
} Poachers and hunters.             The CIA and the IRS.
}
} As much privacy as the            The FBI and its Carnivore
} Discovery channel allows          system, and the NSA with
} them.                             Eschelon.  Along with a slew of
}                                   private investigators, lawyers,
}                                   papparazzi, and the IRS.
}
} Wondering when the bigger         The IRS could audit any day now.
} bird or tortoise will eat
} them.
}
} So, as you can see, the reason that some birds and tortoises live
} longer is because of the IRS.  Those that don't live longer generally
} make a trip near the IRS's main office.
}
} You owe the Oracle $10,237.94 in back taxes plus penalties.


1214-08    (47cfh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wisest Oracle,
>
> How does a hydrogen bomb differ from a human?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's consult the Encyclopaedia Oracular, shall we?
}
} Hmmm......Horatio, Philosophies of......Hippogriffs.....Humpback
} Whales, Mating Practices of....
}
} Ah, here it is.
}
} Hydrogen Bomb
}
} * Can come in different shapes and sizes
} * Often Tested by their Creators in a desert
} * Have vast potential for widespread destruction
} * Elementally composed of atoms
} * Prone to lash out in violent ways
} * Horrible results if dropped from a plane
} * Require humans to reproduce
} * Made drastic changes to the landscape of Japan
} * Feared by most other lifeforms
} * Generally regarded as an indiscriminate bringer of destruction
} * Often play vital role in technothriller books/movies
} * Not allowed to be sold on E-Bay
} * Most nations have more than they can safely handle
} * Considered by many to be an example of the failure of Science
} * Can be highly unstable
} * Actually fairly easy to create more, but why would you want to?
}
} Interesting... Moving on......
}
} Humans
}
} See:  Hydrogen Bombs
}
} As you may have already surmised, a hydrogen bomb differs from a human
} in the spelling.
}
} You owe the Oracle an MP3 of "You Dropped the Bomb on Me (Baby)."


1214-09    (akf73 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most ancient and wise,
>
> What are the 11 most intelligent questions that you've
> ever been asked by supplicants?
>
> __________________________________________________
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Get email at your own domain with Yahoo! Mail.
> http://personal.mail.yahoo.com/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 11) Do you Yahoo!?
} 10) How much wood could a w..dch..k chuck if a w..dch..k
}     could chuck wood?
} 09) How can I get so-so to go out with me?
} 08) What is life?
} 07) [ various Steve Wright jokes i.e. Why do we drive on
}       parkways and park on driveways? ]
} 06) What are the 11 most intelligent....
}
} ARGH! I can.not.go.on.must.stop.must.resist.such.an.obvious.
} attempt.to.get.in.digests.with.a.formula.based.best.of.list.
}
} Snap out of it Orrie! I AM A Professional.
}
} Actually, your question for all its transparent nature
} overlooks the fact that people quit looking for intelligence
} here years ago. The TV generation wants entertainment and
} not information. Heck, we rarely get questions anymore, just
} weird phrases like "MY CAP LOCK BROKE OH NO I PANIC!". What
} pray tell does that tells us about the supplicant?
}
} Sigh.
}
} Okay, I'll lie. Here are 11 (ohh, tricky! Not ten!)
} intelligent questions I've gotten.
}
} 11) I Love Lucy, do you?
} 10) Where's the beef?
} 09) Got milk?
} .
} .
} [ fade to black ]


1214-10    (7aedb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>
>
>
>
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't care what John Cage says, this isn't music.


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