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Internet Oracularities #1215

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Internet Oracularities #1215    (55 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 22 Apr 2001 14:48:22 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1215
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1215  55 votes cik14 2blab 07eke 3ekd5 7dj97 3ajf8 37ra8 9cdd8 7cfab 37mf8
1215  3.1 mean  2.4   3.3   3.7   3.1   2.9   3.3   3.2   3.0   3.1   3.3


1215-01    (cik14 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Will the rodents ever realize they are no longer relevant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hopefully, after the dismal failure of their last album, they've gotten
} the hint.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Motley Crue episode of Behind the
} Music.


1215-02    (2blab dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
> Your Wisdom is like grapes on the vine of life,
> except less likely to end up all squishy and infested with little fruit
> flies
>
> What is the scariest thing that you have ever done ?
>
> ---
> The Humble Supplicant.
> Asking dumb questions for over a decade.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: No doubt about that, installing Priest-cams. The
}         horror, the horror.
}
} [ The Oracle rocks back in his chair and aims a remote at
}   the screen hanging from a bracket on the wall. He clicks
}   the remote.]
}
} Priest_cam_13: Zadoc's Cell
}
}   A stark little room of gray stone, a spartan desk
}   and chair made of rough hewn logs, a bed, well a
}   stone shelf actually, covered with straw and a
}   coarse wool blanket... under which seems to be,
}   well, Zadoc. The blanket is moving, rhythmically.
}
} <click,click,click,click>
}
} Priest_cam_17: Priest's Commissary
}
}   Long dark tables in a room lit by dim bulbs hanging
}   from thread-bare wires. At one table sits Brother
}   Stenor across from Brother Xof. They are playing
}   Gin Rummy. There are using food stamps as money to
}   bet with. < click: ZOOM IN > Brother Xof is cheating.
}
} <click,click>
}
} Priest_cam_19: Priestess' Locker room
}
}   Sister Fungaroli is pumping 180 pounds on the bench
}   press. Sister Julsy is thrashing a punching bag with
}   a lethal combination of jabs and devastating upper cuts.
}   In the background Sister Caramia is fencing with Sister
}   Alyce. On the wall a lip-stick covered poster of Fabio.
}   <click: ZOOM IN> The shower room is blocked by a sheet
}   on which is scrawled: "Bad Orrie!" in Lisa's handwriting.
}
} <click,click,click,click>
}
} Priest_cam_23: Priest Locker room
}
}    Empty hollow echoing room, the floor of which is thick
}    with cigarette butts.
}
} <click,click,click,click,click,click>
}
} Priest_cam_29: Priest work cubicles.
}
}   A bank of high end computers, nearly everyone
}   of them manned by priests. <click: ZOOM IN> Screen shows
}   Quake III Arena, map Q3dm7. A shotgun wielding Brother
}   Noe is chasing a gauntlet armed Brother Lawrence down
}   the steps towards the lightening gun, which materializes
}   just as Brother Lawrence gets there, then =KABOOM=
}   Brother Gallatin drops a grenade on top of the two
}   other priests rendering them into giblets.
}
} <click,click>
}
} Prieist_cam_31: Lisa's Room
}
}  [ The Oracle turns towards the supplicant's monitor
}    and points the remote control out at you. ]
}
} <click>
}
}   [ fade to black ]


1215-03    (07eke dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Groovy Ghod - Oh Magnificent Mound of Miracles...
>
> So far I've got:
> Great Caesar's Ghost, Achille's Heel, Damocle's Sword,
> Jason's Argonaut and Pandora's Box...
>
> Now - what are *you* going to donate to the Church Jumble Sale?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes! I've been waiting for this moment! You have no idea
} the amount of rubbish I have in my attic. Junk supplicants
} send me -instead- of the tribute I asked for and all...
}
} [ Oracle stands, rips off his robe to reveal he is wearing
}   a pair of work pants, boots and a black tee shirt under-
}   neath. He winks at you. ]
}
} Work clothes, white robes attract dirt like you won't
} believe.
}
} [ Oracle tromps out into the hall and turns left. He
}   pulls a key out of his pocket and then stops at a
}   dusty wooden door, which he opens. Up some creaky
}   steps and the Oracle has led us to his attic...
}   boxes on top of boxes, cobwebs, a water cooled
}   Vickers, a t-rex skull, the obligatory dress
}   form, and a moth eaten stuffed Yeti. He opens
}   a box marked "Okayed by Lisa to toss".]
}
} Here we go, check it out.
}
} [ He holds up a ridiculously small pair of flannel
}   sleepwear covered with pictures of half-eaten
}   mice. ]
}
} The cat's pajamas.
}
} [ The Oracle lifts up a sad looking rabbit made out
}   of lint holding a cigar. ]
}
} A dust bunny from under Freud's bed.
}
} [ Next he hefts a faded yellow, badly mangled, squeaky
}   bathtub toy shaped like a mallard, but with wooden
}   shoes over its webbed feet. ]
}
} Han's Christian's ugly duckling.
}
} [ The Oracle grin's wildly as he pulls out a baggie full
}   of small rings with tiny skull shaped bells on them. ]
}
} Dead ringers. People wear them when buried to use
} to signal for help if buried prematurely.
}
} [ In rapid succession he pulls out a candle burnt at
}   both ends, the short end of a stick, an easy piece
}   of cake, someone's goat, a sleeping dog, an expandable
}   mole hill, a bloody grindstone with a bit of mustache
}   stuck to it, and then a huge rodent that is obviously
}   just waiting to do something, anything, right now. ]
}
} An eager beaver.
}
} I'll leave this box with Og by the backdoor, When can you
} come pick this stuff up?


1215-04    (3ekd5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hark, Oracle, you are in tune with nature and science equally,
>
> How can I remove this curse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, that's easy, dear supplicant!
}
} First, you have to put that enormous ruby back in the eyesocket of that
} statue of Horus where you got it in the first place.
}
} Then-- what's that? Yes, I know the curse didn't hit until /after/ you
} got home from Egypt. Sorry, but you'll have to go all the way back. And
} no, it won't work if you ship it there and have someone else put it
} back in. Has to be you. Plus, there's a few other things you have to do
} there.
}
} Give me a call when you get there, and I'll walk you through the rest
} of the steps.
}
} <Time passes.>
}
} Hello again, supplicant!
}
} Now, the first thing to do is turn the arm of the statue
} counterclockwise three times. Right, just like that.
}
} Then, put the statue back in the sarcophagus, close the lid firmly, and
} lock it with the scarab-shape key.
}
} Right, now pull that lever over there on the wall. The grey one with
} the funny cross-hatches.
}
} Hear that low rumbling? You're almost there! Now, all you have to do is
} drop your lit torch down that chute in the wall next to the levers.
}
} What? You don't have one? I didn't tell you? Oops. Well, I hope you
} find one fast, supplicant. If you don't drop a torch or something else
} burning down there in the next minute, the ceiling is going to fall
} down.
}
} What do I suggest? Well, I suppose if you were to offer me some sort of
} suitable tribute--
}
} That will do nicely! Zadoc! ZAAAAAADOOOOOOOC! Fire up the transspatial
} dislocator, there's a good toady.
}
} What was that, supplicant? The ceiling is starting to crumble
} /already/? Deary me. Well, the mechanism is quite old.
}
} Zadoc! Hurry up with--
}
} Oh, yuck. Um, never mind, Zadoc.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better sense of timing, once you reincarnate.


1215-05    (7dj97 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wonderful Counselor, Mighty Oracle, Netizen Everlasting,
>
> Where can I get a nice "Cornerstone of Third Temple" tee-shirt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, you can find those Allah over the place.  Ha ha ha.
}
} What did you expect?  You stroll into MY temple, toss off a lame
} grovel, and then go asking about some other Temple?  And not only that,
} but the Temple you ask about doesn't even exist, except as 4 tons of
} marble riding around Jerusalem in a flatbed truck. And what about the
} proposed location... Temple Mount? Temple "Mount*??? I got yer Temple
} Mount right here.
}
} And I'll tell you something else-- Allah *and* Yahweh are both getting
} mightily cheesed off about the behaviour of some you mortals. At the
} last potluck, it was all they could talk about, especially after a few
} glasses of that "say goodbye to Mr. Brain Cell" beverage that Dionysus
} calls "wine". Buddha finally got them calmed down with one of his
} meditation tapes, but let me tell you, ya'll were pretty close to the
} "end of days" right there, and it wasn't going to be particularly
} rapturous for anybody, if you get my drift.
}
} "Cornerstone of the Third Temple" my Aunt Fanny. How about "Cornerstone
} of Not Murdering Each Other Over Stupid Ancient Prophesies That Never
} Made Any Sense And Were Probably a Joke In The First Place".
}
} Yeah, yeah, I know-- that'll never fit on a tee-shirt.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new axe to grind, this one's pretty much worn
} down.


1215-06    (3ajf8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most apt and effulgent,
>
> Does insight just occur as the results of accumulating
> enough information or is something else needed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, you need to understand that insight can occur in the
} complete absence of information.  Without information, it's still
} possible to have insights such as, "I'm cold," or "Relieving myself
} on an electric fence is unpleasant."  However, you will note that
} these insights tend to be somewhat uninspired, to say the least.
} With additional information, more insights are possible; for example,
} "The cheese has gone bad," or "Hitting myself repeatedly in the
} head with a hammer is painful."  Add lots of information, and you
} can come up with insights like "My boss is a big fat dootyhead."
} But I can see that you're interested in more than that.  You want
} the kind of insight that rarely falls to the lot of ordinary humans.
} And for that, you need...
}
} [drumroll]
}
} The INSIGHT-O-MATIC!!!!!!!
}
} Yes, the patented Insight-O-Matic can answer any question and turn even
} the dullest person into a fountain of wisdom!  The Insight-O-Matic
} includes a massive database containing the collected history and
} philosophy of the entire human race from thousands of possible
} timelines, as well as our unique Complete Linguistic Interpolation and
} Complilation Heuristics Engine (C)(R)(TM)(ETC), which can produce
} everything from witty one-liners to massive meditations on any
} subject you can imagine!  Guarenteed to be stunningly intelligent
} and completely plagarism-free for 30 days from date of purchase!
} (Please allow 31 days for delivery.)  But don't take my word for it
} -- see for yourself how this amazing machine works!  I have here a
} number of questions submitted by ordinary people just like you from
} around the country.  Let's try a few of them and see just how amazing
} the Insight-O-Matic really is!
}
} > Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
}
} [long pause]
}
} } A: I refuse to answer on the grounds that that is a really bad joke.
}
} Okay, let's try another one.
}
} > Q: What is the Meaning of Life?
}
} [longer pause]
}
} } A: Forty-two.
}
} Hm, this isn't going quite as well as I'd hoped for.  Let's see...  ah,
} here's a good one!
}
} > Q: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
} > wood?
}
} [very long pause]
}
} } A: A fatal exception 0E has occurred at 0028:c0029356 in VXD VFAT(01)
} } + 0000798E.  The current application will be terminated.  Press any
} } key to terminate the current application, or press CTRL+ALT+DEL to
} } restart your computer.
}
} *Sigh*  Never mind.  The Oracle owes you a refund.


1215-07    (37ra8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  +----------------------------------------------------+
>  | Jo Supplicant                             7734     |
>  | 123 Marmot Lane                                    |
>  | Anytown, Ind.                    date _Apr_13_01_  |
>  |                                                    |
>  | Pay to                                             |
>  | order of _The_Internet_Oracle____   $ _7000.00_    |
>  |                                                    |
>  | _seventhousand_and_zero_cents_______dollars        |
>  |                                 _                  |
>  |  Bank of Foobar            /   (        /'_ _  _/  |
>  |  1984 Orwell Rd.       (_/() __)(//)/)(/( (//)/    |
>  |  Minitruth, Ind                 / /                |
>  +----------------------------------------------------+

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} +------------------------+
} |ENDORSE HERE            |
} |X______________________ |
} | Offshore Tax Shelter   |
} | Corporation d/b/a      |
} | The Internet Oracle    |
} |                        |
} |DO NOT WRITE, STAMP     |
} |OR SIGN BELOW THIS LINE |
} |RESERVED FOR BANK USE   |
} +------------------------+
} |                        |
} | 3RD NATIONAL BANK      |
} | OF DOMINICAN REPUBLIC  |
} | 3E BANCO NATIONAL      |
} | DE REPUBLICA DOMINICA  |
} | 16 AVR/APR 16 2001     |
} |                        |
} |                        |
} | Bloomington Farmers    |
} | & Merchants Trust      |
} | "Your Friendly Bank"   |
} |      Since 1916        |
} |                        |
} +------------------------+
} |   DO NOT CASH UNLESS   |
} |   SECURITY FEATURES    |
} |      ARE PRESENT       |
} |  (features are secret  |
} |  for security reasons) |
} +------------------------+


1215-08    (9cdd8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
> Why do they give me a suspension for skipping class at school?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was probably an administrative error. I'm sure if you check the Auto
} Shop, you'll probably find a jump rope.
}
} You owe The Oracle blueprints for a hopscotch board.


1215-09    (7cfab dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most venerable Oracle, tell me this:
>
> Do you want fries with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Did I ask for fries?
}
} No, I did not.  I also distinctly said "and that's all."
}
} Man, for someone with a Master's in English, you'd think they would
} understand the language.
}
} You owe the Oracle my change.


1215-10    (37mf8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Superfluous Oracle, you know the true meanings of the big
> words (like superfluous) that I parrot in hopes of sounding important.
> I even make up words like thudlicious and bramphantaceuous, because
> maybe I'll invent one that catches on, and then I'll be famous.
> Waitaminit.  I can't remember any person who's famous for inventing a
> word, except maybe Nora Webster.
>
> What do my words mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quite simple:
} 'Bramphantaceuous' - from 'bra', 'mmmm-mmmm!' and 'fantastic!'.  A
} bramphantaceuous woman is a lady whose bust is the speaker's object of
} fantasy.
}
} 'Thudlicious', on the other hand, is a word more often used by women,
} as in "He came up to me and told me he thought I was bramphantaceuous.
} Then he stood there for a full minute just staring at my chest.  I
} waited for the right moment, and then I smacked him right in the face,
} and he fell on his fat ass with a thudlicious sound!"
} Basically, "thudlicious" = a satisfying thud.
}
} You owe the Oracle Webster's Dictionary, 2200AD edition.


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