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Internet Oracularities #1216

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Internet Oracularities #1216    (59 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 01 May 2001 10:40:14 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1216
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1216  59 votes 4ado8 6km74 cik63 65jfe 7in74 35kla 6ahi8 4cqd4 5fid8 4a8ji
1216  3.1 mean  3.4   2.7   2.5   3.4   2.7   3.5   3.2   3.0   3.1   3.6


1216-01    (4ado8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> moo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ /
}       Your Cow has Run Away, What to Do: A Survivor's Guide.
}  / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \
}
} Cows from all walks of life run away for all kinds of reasons.
} Most cattle are found within 48 hours. Usually they come back
} on their own accord lowing happily. Others have their private
} parts mutilated by aliens and are dumped without ceremony in
} fields in the western United States out of black helicopters,
} but don't dwell on that.
}
}                  Why cattle run away
}
} * Some run away impulsively after an argument. A simple branding
}   can be a big thing to a cow. It's not like they're NBA stars
}   who are being paid to have a symbol etched on their skin.
} * Some run away because they are ninnies without a brain in their
}   heads. Maybe they heard a loud sound. Or got caught up in a
}   stampede. Cows can be quite stupid.
} * Only cows in cartoons go anywhere because of greener grass on
}   the other side of a fence.
}
}        What you can do to keep your cow from running away
}
} * Tie your cow to a large rock or keep it in a box.
}
}                        Prevention
}
} If things are starting to go wrong between you and your cow, try to
} rebuild your relationship before there is a crisis. Even if there are
} lots of "ups and downs" & "ins and outs" and then more "ins and outs"
} and then more "ins and outs" make sure that your cow knows that you
} love her. Don't read your cow any stories by Faulkner about the Snopes
} family either. (i.e. 'The Hamlet')
}
}                    If your cow runs away
}
} Try to stay calm. Remember most cattle return of their own accord.
} Find out what you can about your cow leaving. Did she leave a note?
} Was she wearing a bell? Is there a pile of bloody bones and tufts
} of hair surrounded by wolf prints near the rock where you kept your
} cow tied up? You did have your cow tied to a rock didn't you?
}
}                     When your cow returns
}
} 1.Butcher cow, hack it up into cookable chunks.
} 2.Place chunk, fat side up on a rack in an open, shallow roasting pan
} 3.Insert the meat thermometer into the center of the thickest muscle
}   of the meat
} 4.Do not add water or liquid, and do not cover
} 5.Roast at 325M-0 F until meat thermometer registers 5M-0 F below
}   desired doneness.
} 6.Remove from oven, cover with foil, and let stand 15 to 20 minutes
}   before slicing
} 7.Wolf it down.
}
} You owe the Oracle some curds and whey.


1216-02    (6km74 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Now both of them are pregnant.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have a problem. You see, Siamese litters are usually money in the
} bank, but if you're going to have two concurrent litters, we're
} talking about possibly as many as sixteen kittens in one market, and
} it's not at all easy to unload that many cats.
}
} Don't even consider the burlap sack/water "stock reduction" method.
} Seriously. If you do, you'll be accidentally hit by seventeen cars
} and your brain will be kept alive in a tank until the trial, when
} you'll be sentenced to execution by being eaten alive on "Survivor
} III." You don't want that. Your best bet is to seperate out a male
} and female from each litter and pair them up, so that you have two
} more potential breeding pairs. Contact other breeders through the
} pedigree association and see if you can't sell them that way. That
} cuts down the overall number of kittens you need to sell by four, and
} also cuts down on your overhead expenses. Then, plan to ask $150 a
} kitten instead of $200. Yes, that'll depress the market, so don't
} plan on breeding any more litters for another year or two.
}
} And next time, keep the males in their run, and the females in
} theirs. Yeesh. Didn't anyone go through this with you behind the barn?
}
} You owe the Oracle the pick of the litter.


1216-03    (cik63 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, magnificant of magnificat! Seer of sayings!
>
> I have encountered a problem to which I see no answer. I beg you to
> help me see the light.
>
> You are in a crufty basement. It is dark and stinks of mold. There are
> many open boxes of tobacco strewn around. There are parts of cars and
> dead animals here. A Chinese man crouches in the corner.
> You see:
>       A bush.
>       Some fresh gore.
>       A patsy named Chad.
> Now what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is major flaw in the game and there is no solution to this one.
} You'll have to wait until version 2004 is released so you can upgrade.
} In the meantime, hope that the bugs in version 2000 don't cause a
} fatal crash to the whole system.


1216-04    (65jfe dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are all women so stupid? Are there *any* females of the human
> species who **don't** entertain some weirdly optimistic outlook on
> life?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let your mom continue to think you'll amount to something.


1216-05    (7in74 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Quantumly-aligned Oracle, you who have Brilliance that could
> outshine a G3-type star, and could bend the very Laws of Physics
> themselves into a pretzel that would make Stephen Hawking go rotary in
> his grave, bestow upon this unworthy supplication a small fleck of your
> wisdom.
>
> I find myself proverb-challenged this morning, O Great One. If you
> could complete the following, I would be forever in your debt and I'll
> promise to do at least five "askme" mailings per day.
>
> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
> A Miss is as good as...
>
> If you lie down with dogs...
>
> Happy the bride who...
>
> None are so blind...
>
> You get out of something what you...
>
> When the blind leadeth the blind...
> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
>
> Thank you, Wise one! I look forward to your distilled sagacity in this
> matter (as long as it's at least 80 proof).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A Miss is as good as...a nudge to a blind bat.
}
} If you lie down with dogs...expect to smell a bit 'doggy' when you get
} up.
}
} Happy the bride who...promises to obey.
}
} None are so blind...as actual blind people.
}
} You get out of something what you...take out of it less taxes and
} insurance.
}
} When the blind leadeth the blind...watch out.


1216-06    (35kla dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most clever,
>
> What do you get when a Postmodernist joins the Mafia?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A offer you can't reduce.


1216-07    (6ahi8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Charles M. Hannum" <abuse@spamalicious.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle more smart than new paint and sharper than a razor,
>
> Whose job was it to tell her of the forms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Wise Oracle more smart than new paint and sharper than a razor,
}
} "smarter"
}
} > Whose job was it to tell her of the forms?
}
} Plato, but Plato still has this hangup about teaching women about
} philosohpy.  I told him "look, you're dead now, you can't keep holding
} onto your old notions of gender and education.  Besides, your Ideal
} Forms are called morphogentics these days and now women teach the
} stuff." He replied "You're omniscient, that means knowing everything,
} right?" "Yes, of course."
} "And the most valuable knowledge is born of wisdom, right?
} "Yeee-eees."
} "Would you agree that the young are less wise than the elderly?"
} "Of course."
} "So the elderly are more wise than the young?"
} "Um, yeah."
} "I was born 427 years before that carpeter's son's observed birthday,
} and you got here as the USENET Oracle, what, twenty-odd years ago?"
} "Yeah, but..."
} "Right.  So I'm your elder, I'm wiser than you are, so what I know
} about Forms and women is more valuable than what you know.  So when I
} tell you that I'm not going to teach the secrets of the universe to
} women, you can put a sock in it."
}
} At this point, Lisa snatched the *ZOT* rod out of my hand and gave it
} to him good.  "If I wanted help filling out my 1040 tax forms," she
} said, "why the hell did I have to ask someone from ancient Greece?"
}
} You owe the Oracle some crackers and Socracheese.


1216-08    (4cqd4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Little Red Riding Hood nervously opened the door, and said, "My,
>  grandmother, what bright eyes you have!"
>
>  "All the better to see you with, my dear!" came the reply.
>
>  The child said, "My, grandmother, what big ears you have!"
>
>  "All the better to hear you with, my dear!"
>
>  Little Red Riding Hood fidgeted nervously, and looked at the computer.
>  "My, grandmother, what a fast Internet connection you have!"
>
>  The wolf grinned wickedly and said, "All the better to SPAM you with,
>  my dear!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "No! No! That's not how it goes Mr. Monocle." The kids were all jumping
} up and down, yelling and hooting. The librarian was looking our way
} again.
}
} "Settle down, kids," I said. "Mr. Oracle KNOWS how the story goes."
}
} That was when the red-haired kid, the one who was a dead ringer for
} Michael Banks from Mary Poppins, the one with the ultimate hit-me face,
} walked right past the hallowed-ground line I had drawn in chalk on the
} roadway-print carpet.
}
} "Mr. Monocle, you tell the story RIGHT, or I'm TELLin my DAD!"
}
} "That's Oracle, you git."
}
} "My DAD says ALL of you MONOCLES are the SAME!"
}
} "Watch your mouth, boy."
}
} "My DAD says the DELphi monocle's ten TIMES the-"
}
} **ZOT**
}
} And ZOT the rest of them for good measure.
}
} That's the last time I volunteer to read for story time at the Olympus
} Community Library.
}
} You owe the Oracle enough cash to cover the fine on "Our Bodies, Our
} Selves", checked out in 1978, still not returned.


1216-09    (5fid8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that whenever the daily show with Jon Stewart comes my mom
> comes up to me and goes "TURN THAT CRAP OFF NOW!" when she's the one
> that's watching it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have just described the "poor man's remote control."


1216-10    (4a8ji dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, brighter than the sun by day, bolder than the moon at
> night, answer my query if you please...
>
> I can't get my WINUX 2004 operating system to install properly, what am
> I doing wrong?  I mean, I have the special 175-key keyboard with all of
> the icons:  Ctrl, Alt, Menu, Window, Mac, Penguin, Any and "deposit
> $1000 into Bill Gate's offshore bank account" keys... plugged into the
> round green socket.  I've hooked up the required 16 button mouse with
> built-in trackball, touch, toggle and slide options to the triangular
> purple socket.  My 35 inch 0.08 dot pitch 32768 by 24576 monitor is
> plugged into the red 128-pin connector, and the whole thing is plugged
> into a 440 volt outlet.
>
> I just can't figure out what I'm missing, any ideas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} See that big red switch on the side?


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