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Internet Oracularities #1217

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Internet Oracularities #1217    (46 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 10 May 2001 15:01:17 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1217
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1217  46 votes 4j8d2 6dh82 4dh93 6ae97 0aha9 25jb9 17gf7 7cf66 67dc8 05eed
1217  3.1 mean  2.8   2.7   2.9   3.0   3.4   3.4   3.4   2.8   3.2   3.8


1217-01    (4j8d2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and mighty Oracle who would never steer a humble supplicant wrong
> with bad advice, please condescend to answer my foolish and meaningless
> question:
>
> Have they gathered enough evidence to convict yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ The Oracle sits behind the bench wearing a powdered white
}   wig, black robes and a pair of dark sunglasses. Before him
}   stands the prosecuting attorney, who through the miracle
}   of a text based medium frequented by science fiction fans
}   and techs, happens to also be the Oracle. The Prosecuting
}   Attorney Oracle (PAO) is wearing a dark sharkskin suit and
}   orange tie. Behind the PAO is Lisa is a hot, hot mini-skirt
}   leaning against one stack of the hundreds of cardboard boxes
}   that fill the courtroom. ]
}
} PAO: You honor I have in these boxes countless gazillions
}      of pointless inane non-questions from the defendant...
}
} [ The PAO whirls and points to a bound and gagged teen
}   strapped to a chair. ]
}
} PAO: The Infamous Supplicant "F"! He of .msn and hotmail
}      and juno! He of the cowbirding instant resubmit! He
}      of the. . .
}
} Judge: There's just one Supplicant "F"?
}
} PAO: Well, no, but this guy was handy.
}
} Supplicant F: Hmph!HMPH!HM!HMPH!HMPH!
}
} Judge: Order in the court!
}
} Lisa: I'd like to order a martini.
}
} [ THe Judge pulls off his sunglasses and replaces them
}   with a Groucho Marx pair of glasses with a black
}   mustache attached. ]
}
} Judge: Counselor, I order that your assistant see me
}        in my private chambers now. Privately.
}
} Lisa: Hee-hee.
}
} [ Lisa and Judge vanish quickly through a side door. ]
}
} PAO: That's the twenty-fifth recess those two have taken
}      today.
}
} Supplicant F: Hmphft!Hmpft!
}
} PAO: Might as well take a two hour lunch. Or two.
}
} [ PAO leaves the courtroom. ]
}
} Supplicant F: Hmph!Hmpfff!


1217-02    (6dh82 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who wowed them at the palace,
>
> I understand you have access to a joke so funny it can kill a man.
>
> I would prefer not to hear it, but I would like to know it's history.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The book "Infinite Jest" covers the whole 'killer joke' angle
} quite well already, just as the book "Snowcrash" deals with
} a fatal idea, (in Sumerian only), that kills as well.
}
} As the Oracle is no mere rehasher of already done to death
} routines please allow me to extrapolate and enlighten you as
} to the origin of a class of jokes that has thrilled folks as
} divergent as innocent children and drunken men with bad credit.
}
} Yes, I do in deed speak of the "Knock, Knock" joke. "Knockers",
} as they are affectionately known by joke aficionados are not as
} old as other jokes, i.e. 'Bar Jokes' and "Foul or Egg" jokes,
} yet no lassie alive will deny that "Knockers" have pleased many
} a man.
}
} Few people realize the entire "Knock, knock" genre of jokes is
} base on Act II, Scene III of MacBeth in which a Porter attempts
} to cheer up MacBeth with a series of impromptu "Knock Knock"
} jokes. [0]
}
} %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
}
} [knocking within. Enter a Porter]
}
} Porter:
}
} Knock, knock! Beelzebub? Beelzebub who?
} Beelzebub your lord of the flies is open!
} Bwhahahahahahhahaha?
} No my Lord? Oh thou shall like this one then.
}
} Knock, knock! Who's there? Faith, here's an equivocator!
} Faith, here's an equivocator who? Equivocator? Why
} I hardly even knew her my gracious lordship!
} Bwhahahahahahaha....
} No? Fear not, I have millions of them!
}
} Knock, knock! Who's there? An English tailor.
} An English tailor who? An English tailor,
} can this be the one whose hose I used today
} to warm the three weird sisters' cold ol' chests?
} For naught is colder, save a well digger's...
} No my lord? To the punch not got had I, Oh.
} Well I go, you were a singularly
} lovely audience, happy hour is next!
} Anon, anon! I pray you, remember the porter.
}
} %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
}
} [0] Check it out via an online copy, this is a true fact,
} well just sort of, but it oughta be totally true.
}
} Note: Some folios have here the line; "Who's there?" shouted
} from below the stage after the second "knock" in the first
} line of the above passage. While it seems to us moderns that
} a 'Who's there?' is needed, it is debatable if Shakespeare
} would have felt so too. On the other hand the call of
} 'Who's there?' from 'below', so to speak, is an ironic
} twist considering the topic that The Bard would have no
} doubt smiled at its inclusion.
}
} You owe the Oracle a familiar cat.


1217-03    (4dh93 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady, would you marry me
>  anyway?? Would you have my baby??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you really nailed me with that one.
} I'll have to take it up with the board first.
} Mind, I don't say I don't want to screw you.
} I know you are a real stud.
} I'm old, that is why I don't simply bolt at this.
} I saw it coming for a long time, you know.
} Still, this could also simply be a drill.
} Take two aspirin and axe me again tomorrow, eh?


1217-04    (6ae97 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  what class will Kesten! be teaching?
>
>  your humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       That is an excellent question, supplicant. Kesten has a number of
} classes that he'll be teaching for the summer quarter. Here's a few
} samples.
}
} HOT-110: Dealing with Horny Otters in the Wild and at Home. (5 credits,
} not transferable. Extra lab fee of 425 Quatloos to cover chemical
} supplies and video camera rental).
}
} COURSE DESCRIPTION: Otter mating season is almost at hand, and a lot of
} the little fuzzy buggers will hump anything they can get their
} hindquarters around. This class will cover methods of dealing with the
} problem, especially when traveling through otter-infested forests.
} Students will gain proficiency in interception, redirection, and
} deception techniques that are guaranteed to work, and provide loads of
} free entertainment besides.
}
} The special lab sessions will show you how to synthesize otter
} pheromones, and will also cover the best places and people to apply
} them to. Delivery methods taught include paintbrush, fake 'NicoDerm'
} patch, and paintball gun for those longer-range targets.
} (Prerequisites: A perverse desire to frustrate otters, and embarass
} public figures in the process, or instructor permission).
}
} PEP-212: Advanced Performing Elephant Herd (with diarrhea) Direction
} and Usenet Server Administration. (5 credits, transferable only to the
} BOFH's College of System Administration and Beer Hall. Lab fee of 500
} Quatloos covers biohazard suit, decontamination services, and shovel
} rental).
}
} COURSE DESCRIPTION: You too can be a Usenet Systems Administrator, and
} learn to direct performing elephants in the process! Join Kesten, and
} Special Guest Instructor Gene 'Spaf' Spafford for this advanced course
} that continues where PEP-112 (Inducing Diarrhea in Large Mammals
} through Exposure to Politics) left off.
}
} You'll spend an exciting eight weeks learning the ins and outs of
} Usenet server administration and, in the process, will learn how to
} handle situations that are very large, noisy, awe-inspiring, difficult
} to redirect, and the source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when
} you least expect it! Just the thing to take the boredom out of those
} warm, clear, summer days!
}
} (Prerequisites: PEP-112. You Must Be At Least THIS Tall to take this
} course. Otherwise, one or more elephants may not see you when stepping
} backwards, and that would be most unfortunate. Ipecac syrup is NOT
} permitted in this course! All attendees will be searched. Those found
} carrying ipecac will be required to carry the entirety of Usenet on an
} 80386-25 system with 100 megabytes of disk space for three days
} straight).
}
} ORG-110: A Beginner's Guide to Effective Groveling. (5 credits,
} transferable only to Indiana University. Additional lab fee of 250
} Quatloos).
}
} COURSE DESCRIPTION: Take this course, and you'll never have to worry
} about getting ZOTted again! (Well... as long as you avoid the W**dchuck
} question anyway...) Join Kesten and Special Guest Instructors Zadoc T.
} Worm and Chuck Jones for a thrilling eight weeks worth of every grovel
} imaginable (and a few more that we thought looked good, if a bit
} painful). Perfect for regular supplicants of the Internet Oracle, and
} any other cheap imitations that you may find. Amaze your Friends! Stun
} your Wife!! Scare the Blazes out of a Wombat!!! Make yourself
} irresistable to a horny otter!!!!
}
} Lab sessions include the use of room-sized "Twister" game pads to help
} you find just the right position to deliver that special grovel, an
} anti-hernia belt, special kneepads to give you full traction on the
} glossiest of hardwood floors, and up to two free ambulance rides to
} Jay's Memorial Emergency Room and Pagan Fertility Clinic.
}
} (Prerequisites: Be a glutton for punishment. Having been brought up as
} a contortionist is a plus, but not required. We'll HELP you into that
} box!)
}
} You owe the Oracle an advanced course in Artificial Insemination of
} Large Cetaceans.


1217-05    (0aha9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Imposing Oracle who can pull strings and get things done,
>
> How much longer until I get a life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has considered your supplication and offers the following:
}
} Hmmmm ... I know I have those formulas around here somewhere.    Ahhh,
} yes ... here they are.
}
} If you have not developed a life at this point, here is how you can
} determine when you will actually get one.
}
} Take your current age and divide it by 10 ...
}
} Add one year for every TV series you can't do without.  Add an extra
} six months for every "reality-based" series  (Survivor, Temptation
} Island, etc.   This is because of the 'vicarious living' factor that
} must be accounted for.  Don't even ask me about daily soaps.)
}
} What is your TV reception like:
} No TV -  Subtract two years
} Antenna / tower -  No change
} Cable -  Add six months
} Satellite / home theater -  Add one year
}
} Add an extra year if you have a satellite / home theater setup and
} brag about it.
}
} For every day in the last month when you decided to try a new
} activity:
}     - Subtract three months if your friends had to drag you into it,
} kicking and screaming
}     - Subtract six months if you showed any amount of enthusiasm when
} your friends invited you
}     - Subtract one year if it was your idea and an extra six months
} for every couch-potato friend you convinced to join you.
}
} For every time you've agreed to work overtime on the weekend or more
} than one hour of overtime during the week:
}     - Add three months if it was for the money
}     - Add six months if it was to kiss up to the boss
}     - Add one year if it was because you enjoyed it
}
} Subtract one year for every friend with whom you regularly spend time
} (away from work).
}
} In the past year, for every time you've used a cell phone:
} In a restaurant  -    Add six months
} In a movie theater  -  Add a year
} While driving -  Add two years and hope you live that long
}
} Add one year for every Internet newsgroup you participate in, add one
} year.  (Two years for regular RHOD participation.)
} Add an extra six months for every time you've been AHBOU'd.   (One
} year for every Oracle Digest entry published)
}
} Subtract six months if you don't understand anything in the above
} paragraph.
}
} Describe your current status:
} Happily married / happily single -  Subtract one year
} Not happy but trying to change -  Subtract six months
} Just wishing -  Add one year
}
} For every promise you've made to yourself in the past year:
}     -  Subtract six months for every one you've kept
}     -  Add one year for every one you haven't
}
} For every promise you've made to someone else in the past year:
}     -  Subtract six months for every one you've kept
}     -  Add one year for every one you haven't
}
} There you have it ... the short version, anyway.    If you came out to
} less than two years, you're doing good.   Anything over five and some
} serious work is needed.
}
} You owe the oracle a Caribbean cruise and a mallet specially designed
} for smashing cell phones ....


1217-06    (25jb9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and generally benevolent Oracle, please help me.
>
> I can't seem to get motivated to do actual work while I am in my
> cubicle. My boss seems to think this is a problem.  How can I correct
> this situation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has never meet some one that does actual work in a
} cubicle, nor I bet has you boss of coworkers. What are you
} trying to do? Get everyone fired?
}
} Look, the idea at any cubicle farm is to -look- like you're
} working. Not to do actual work. You are merely there so the
} boss can walk through from time to time with dignitaries in tow
} so they can both glance at you and your peers and nod sagely.
}
} Here's some things you should be doing instead of actual
} work:
}
} * Email everyone you know two to three times a day. Don't
}   just forward joke lists. But send them graphs depicting
}   your daily coffee consumption rates and disposal of same
}   broken down into ten minute increments. The chart looks
}   real good to people walking by.
}
} * Xerox all pieces of paper you get and staple them together.
}   Two hours later pull them apart and throw the copy away.
}
} * Get CNN running muted in a window in the corner of your
}   screen, but be listening over your phone headset to "on-hold"
}   muzak from some "too busy to deal with people" company, phone
}   companies themselves are good for hours of such music. Every-
}   time the music and CNN seem to be on a similar wavelength
}   quickly type up a short memo about it & post it to alt.test.
}
} * Always look at web pages' source code for two minutes before
}   foraging on. Even the most unwork related pornography site
}   looks like work when you're perusing the source code.
}
} * Any questions you get asked over the phone or in email, you
}   should forward to The Oracle.
}
} * You can kill many an hour by pulling the cover off of your
}   computer and taking the video card out and putting it back
}   again. Just be sure and look angry as you do this or others
}   will stop and ask you to come do the same for their computers.
}   Never volunteer to go do so. Those slackers need do their own
}   work instead of expecting you to bail them out all the time.
}
} You owe the Oracle an "Oracle of the Month" plaque.


1217-07    (17gf7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most magnificent, who gets up before the early bird has a
> chance at the worm, who sees into the darkest tunnel, tell me:
>
> We know what they did in Sodom, but what did they do in Gomorrah?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top Ten Reasons Gomorrah got the fire and brimstone treatment:
}
} 10.   Bactrian camels have two humps.  Dromedary camels have one hump.
}      Gomorran camels were just humped.  Constantly.
} 9.    It is a little known fact that the largest law school in
}      existence in those days was built in Gomorrah.
} 8.    Their traffic lights were timed just perfectly to go red just as
}      you got to each intersection.
} 7.    Four words:  Supplemental city income tax.
} 6.    Inhabitants always telling God, "Sodom's your favorite city!
}      Just because that snotty kid nephew of Abraham's lives there!  When
}      are we going to get the same kind of attention you give Sodom?  I
}      mean, we're reprobates and whoremongers too, you know!  Why
}      doesn't anyone care if *we* have 10 righteous people within our
}      borders?  EQUALITY WITH SODOM NOW!"
} 5.    Experimenting with first sanitary sewer system before discovering
}      combustible properties of methane.
} 4.    Had cold-war program of MAD-TP (Mutually Assured Destruction by
}      Total Perversion) that got out of hand.
} 3.    Cheated on their bid to host the 2004 BC Olympiad.
} 2.    Freak time/space continuum accident resulted in 89% of Scuds Irag
}      launched during Desert Storm landing in downtown Gomorrah.
}
} AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON Gomorrah is a smoldering ruin unknown to
} modern civilization but by the tale of its downfall?
}
} 1.    In ancient times, was host city for Annual Woodchuck Wood
}      Chucking Convention.


1217-08    (7cf66 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you Yahoo?
>
> __________________________________________________
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Yahoo! Auctions - buy the things you want at great prices
> http://auctions.yahoo.com/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, only idiots and other yahoos do that.  Lisa, being enlightened,
} uses Google.  I, being omniscient, don't need a search engine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a catchy advertising slogan that will make people
} want to be associated with idiots.com.


1217-09    (67dc8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do buses allways come in threes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene 1
} A misty moore, somewhere in the british isles.
}
} Bus 1: Hubble Bubble, toil and trouble
} Bus 2: Services slashed, fares double,
} Bus 3: Schedules change, deliveries muddle ...
}
} etc ... etc...
}
} Bus 3: When shall we three meet again ?
} Bus 1: At the basingstoke roundabout, in peak hour, and all three will
} get flat tyres.
}
} (maniacal laughter.....)
}
} You owe The Oracle some eye of newt.


1217-10    (05eed dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Why does my cat spend so much time studying detailed maps of Stonehenge

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because your cat is an alien life form.  Don't be alarmed!  All felines
} are of alien origin.  They arrived on earth after their spaceship
} crashed while chasing intergalactic field mice from Stavromula Beta.
}
} As most cat owners are aware, the ancient Egyptians used to revere cats
} as deities, and in fact the cats used Egypt for their first major
} attempt at returning to the stars.  This explains the purpose of the
} Great Pyramids, although their exact function in returning cats to
} space is still known only to cats and the Oracle.  And since you didn't
} ask about *that*, I don't have to tell you.  So nyah.  At any rate,
} when it became clear that the Pyramid Scheme, as it came to be called,
} was not going to work out, the cat leadership decided to look for
} another tribe of primitive humans to serve as cheap labor.
}
} In the British Isles, they found a group of nature-worshipping druids
} and in true feline fashion set to work ingratiating themselves.  They
} rubbed up against the druid's legs, batted balls of yarn about, and
} climbed up on the druids laps and purred loudly and affectionately.  In
} no time at all, the druids were completely in thrall to the powerful
} aliens.  The cats then instructed the druids to build Stonehenge, again
} for the purpose of returning the cats to their home on Stavromula Beta.
}
} The project was nearing completion, and we might be a cat-less society
} today, had it not been for the actions of one unknown druid. She
} introduced cats to the wild mint known as "Nepeta Cataria," or more
} commonly, "catnip." The cats in charge of the project promptly went on
} a bender that lasted four months, and by then the whole idea of
} returning to Stavromula Beta, which *definitely* does not have catnip,
} seemed rather silly.  The cats split up, spreading across the globe and
} insinuating themselves into the private residences of humans
} everywhere.
}
} To answer your question specifically, your cat is poring over the
} detailed maps of Stonehenge in an attempt to see if the ancient device
} could be completed and used to send all of Earth's dogs somewhere
} else--perhaps to the center of the star Betelgeuse.  Hey, it may be
} your cuddly fuzzy-wuzzy kittykins on the outside, but hidden inside
} that furry exterior is the crafty, calculating mind of an alien.  Think
} about *that* next time the cat is staring at you in the shower.
}
} You owe the oracle a collar with a little bell on it.  Lisa loves those
} things.


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