} That is an excellent question, supplicant. Kesten has a number of
} classes that he'll be teaching for the summer quarter. Here's a few
} HOT-110: Dealing with Horny Otters in the Wild and at Home. (5 credits,
} not transferable. Extra lab fee of 425 Quatloos to cover chemical
} supplies and video camera rental).
} COURSE DESCRIPTION: Otter mating season is almost at hand, and a lot of
} the little fuzzy buggers will hump anything they can get their
} hindquarters around. This class will cover methods of dealing with the
} problem, especially when traveling through otter-infested forests.
} Students will gain proficiency in interception, redirection, and
} deception techniques that are guaranteed to work, and provide loads of
} free entertainment besides.
} The special lab sessions will show you how to synthesize otter
} pheromones, and will also cover the best places and people to apply
} them to. Delivery methods taught include paintbrush, fake 'NicoDerm'
} patch, and paintball gun for those longer-range targets.
} (Prerequisites: A perverse desire to frustrate otters, and embarass
} public figures in the process, or instructor permission).
} PEP-212: Advanced Performing Elephant Herd (with diarrhea) Direction
} and Usenet Server Administration. (5 credits, transferable only to the
} BOFH's College of System Administration and Beer Hall. Lab fee of 500
} Quatloos covers biohazard suit, decontamination services, and shovel
} COURSE DESCRIPTION: You too can be a Usenet Systems Administrator, and
} learn to direct performing elephants in the process! Join Kesten, and
} Special Guest Instructor Gene 'Spaf' Spafford for this advanced course
} that continues where PEP-112 (Inducing Diarrhea in Large Mammals
} through Exposure to Politics) left off.
} You'll spend an exciting eight weeks learning the ins and outs of
} Usenet server administration and, in the process, will learn how to
} handle situations that are very large, noisy, awe-inspiring, difficult
} to redirect, and the source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when
} you least expect it! Just the thing to take the boredom out of those
} warm, clear, summer days!
} (Prerequisites: PEP-112. You Must Be At Least THIS Tall to take this
} course. Otherwise, one or more elephants may not see you when stepping
} backwards, and that would be most unfortunate. Ipecac syrup is NOT
} permitted in this course! All attendees will be searched. Those found
} carrying ipecac will be required to carry the entirety of Usenet on an
} 80386-25 system with 100 megabytes of disk space for three days
} ORG-110: A Beginner's Guide to Effective Groveling. (5 credits,
} transferable only to Indiana University. Additional lab fee of 250
} COURSE DESCRIPTION: Take this course, and you'll never have to worry
} about getting ZOTted again! (Well... as long as you avoid the W**dchuck
} question anyway...) Join Kesten and Special Guest Instructors Zadoc T.
} Worm and Chuck Jones for a thrilling eight weeks worth of every grovel
} imaginable (and a few more that we thought looked good, if a bit
} painful). Perfect for regular supplicants of the Internet Oracle, and
} any other cheap imitations that you may find. Amaze your Friends! Stun
} your Wife!! Scare the Blazes out of a Wombat!!! Make yourself
} irresistable to a horny otter!!!!
} Lab sessions include the use of room-sized "Twister" game pads to help
} you find just the right position to deliver that special grovel, an
} anti-hernia belt, special kneepads to give you full traction on the
} glossiest of hardwood floors, and up to two free ambulance rides to
} Jay's Memorial Emergency Room and Pagan Fertility Clinic.
} (Prerequisites: Be a glutton for punishment. Having been brought up as
} a contortionist is a plus, but not required. We'll HELP you into that
} You owe the Oracle an advanced course in Artificial Insemination of
} Large Cetaceans.